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Three Years Later…
Keegan
It’s been three years since Blue was taken away from me. Three agonizingly long years. But it’s almost over now.190Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF68HTokaZ8
It could have been a lot longer. Blue was originally sentenced to eight years in prison. Eight years. Just thinking about that now makes my stomach drop.190Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU5dolYSLbw
I cried out when the sentence was read in the courtroom. Like a fool, I screamed at the panel that convicted him. I screamed at the judge. I couldn’t control myself. The sentence seemed so unfair, so pointless.190Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMrIYstaWIN
Naturally, I was thrown out by the bailiff. So I didn’t even get to say goodbye to Blue before he was taken away.190Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ62BTwEmFTz
Devastated, I went home to my room at the ranch. I curled up into a ball on my bed and stayed that way for the next week.190Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9VnysxnlW9
I didn’t bathe; I barely ate. I just wanted to sleep all the time, to dream that Blue was right next to me, tangled up with me.190Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2b5VcULX0O
I didn’t want to see or speak to anyone. I was mad at the Army, mad at the world, mad at God.190Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnRc72feGUP
Most of all, I was so goddamn angry at myself. If I hadn’t written everything down in my journal, none of this would’ve happened.190Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWTi4jO9HHl
I didn’t see any way to go on. Not without Blue. Not for eight years, without Blue.190Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTGUFAZgSrd
When I finally emerged from my self-pitying coccoon and started acting somewhat sane, Virginia gave me the letter from Blue.190Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKfexymed5P
He’d intended for me to have it right away. But Holmlund was worried how it would affect me. So he gave the letter to my grandmother and asked her to give it to me when she thought the time was right.190Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhlKHqsiEIn
I was pissed that she held it for so long. More than pissed. I was fucking furious at both her and Holmlund. How dare they make that decision?190Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL68Hgkywjw
I screamed at my grandmother. I told her she had no right to withhold the letter from me. I stormed out of the house and into the barn, saddled Okie and took off at a gallop with the letter still unopened in my jeans pocket.190Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGEHFtaMJsS
I didn’t read it until I reached the cabin. I went up to the loft, to the bed where I’d spent so many nights with Blue, ripped open the letter, and read it through, slowly, three times.190Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVl9gAjp1zh
Then I cried for what felt like forever.190Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOC699mdGnv
But after that, I got angry at Blue. I mean, I understood what he was trying to do. He was thinking of me, of what he thought was best for me.
But did he really think I would just walk away and forget I ever knew him? Did he really think I could do that?190Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhLrLg7I7RJ
By the time I headed back toward the house, it was dusk. I took it slow, giving Okie his lead, moving at a gentle pace through the dark. I cried a little more, thinking about my romantic ride through the darkness with Blue several months ago. It seemed like another lifetime, when we did that.190Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzksM9VC6FO
But I also started thinking about something Holmlund told me earlier when he called to check on me and Virginia literally had to force the phone into my hand.190Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4XXfmugWSj
“Keegan,” Holmlund said, “do you remember I told you the day the verdict was read that it wasn’t the end, that I still had some tricks up my sleeve?190Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKakXUdl1tc
I didn’t answer: I just stood there silently, sulking like a baby. But I was listening.190Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ09159hZBD
Holmlund went on, telling me about the Army Clemency and Parole Board.190Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMJchDBWZxY
“After nine months, Blue can request clemency from the board. That means his sentence could be set aside completely or at least reduced, if we can convince the board that he deserves it.”190Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG4A87OHqai
And that lit a little flame of hope inside me. Clemency. If anybody deserves clemency, it is Blue Daniels.190Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuvtoea6yGf
First though, we had to get through the initial nine months.190Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEWkDNBURcC
It took two months before I was allowed to visit Blue at Fort Leavenworth in Kansas. That’s because at first, he wouldn’t sign the permission form to have me cleared to come to the prison.190Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7l13m6swVa
He wouldn’t even make the collect call to the ranch that he was allowed once a week. He called his mother, but not me.190Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4IbHNhkCwN
He was applying tough love, I guess. He wanted me to do what he’d asked me to do in the letter. He wanted me to walk away.190Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0FsWWFSY1g
But I was not going anywhere. And I was going to make Blue talk to me.190Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFKe6a7HhMj
So I drove to Tulsa, to his mom’s house. A sympathetic Maria had told me when he was supposed to call her, and when he did, she answered and then handed the phone to me, walking away to give us some privacy.190Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNn5Q5WrszA
I just stood there for a minute, holding the phone, debating what to say.190Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtDlruvuaNE
“Hello?” I heard Blue say. “Mama?”190Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqKfWLZtW0O
Then I exploded. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”190Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0G4UM2302m
Silence on the other end. And then, finally, his voice, weak and uncertain. “Keegan?”190Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrTQC9sslNm
“Answer my question!” I snapped. “What is wrong with you? What do you think you’re doing, cutting me out like this? Do you know what it’s doing to me, Blue? Do you?”190Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWsnfhA8daj
He didn’t answer, so I barreled on.190Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRjFuRaZBnL
“How dare you send me a letter like that and then just expect me to walk away. Like I could even do that. What the hell were you thinking, huh? And, then, then, you pull this crap of not letting me come see you, not calling me?”190Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpLsTElpmlW
He was still not responding, and I was working myself into a frenzy.190Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsv8yQexgw5
“You’re just a . . . a stubborn jackass! I’m not going anywhere, do you understand me? You are stuck with me. If I have to drive up to that prison and stand outside all day, every day, ‘til you sign that form, I’ll do it. You are not getting rid of me that easy. So don’t even think I’m walking away from you!”190Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzielvCEC0F
Still, there was silence. I began to wonder if he’d hung up. But listening closer, I could hear his shallow breathing. The kind of breaths you take when you’re crying.190Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwl0aTFYM7c
“For God’s sake, Blue, say something!”190Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZqkH0ukeYF
There was another long pause. “Eight years is too long, Keegan,” he finally said, sighing, his voice small and miserable. “It’s just too long. I can’t let you wait around for me, don’t you get that? I can’t do it.”190Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡafAdTbfly8
“You have no choice. Do you get that, Blue? You. Have. No. Choice.”190Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiJSbWmQJSz
My body couldn’t decide at that moment whether to start screaming again or break down crying.190Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH1jWTt1ixG
“I’m waiting.” Now I'm half shouting and half crying. “And you are not shutting me out!"190Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEkGFkIl5Wr
I let my words hang there a moment. Then I went on a tad more calmly.190Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiU2gxtCdl0
"Besides, it won’t be eight years. Don’t you remember the clemency board Holmlund talked about? We already have a plan on that. So don’t think you’re getting rid of me. I told you, I will come up to that prison and stand outside of it every fucking day until you let me in. And I mean it!”190Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFQYdpA2yLf
He did eventually sign the form, and Maria and I started taking turns driving up to see Blue. And he started calling me at the ranch as often as he could.190Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrHzOpV0hDA
It wasn’t nearly enough. But it was better than nothing.190Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbkSeDxc3tv
And that’s where Blue's music started to help. It was out there, being consumed, being shared, moving hearts and minds. Frasier Bryson was doing everything in his power to tell Blue's story, to advocate for him.190Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡISYDG9G5F9
At the same time, Virginia was pulling political strings, calling in favors.190Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzEs3HLpsrJ
All of us—me, Holmlund, Virginia, Maria, Bryson —threw ourselves into the effort to get clemency for Blue.190Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSCXngrFDwS
His conviction generated headlines around the world, and we did everything possible to keep his name and face and cause in the public eye for those nine long months before he could apply.190Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlj5CwyTlGH
And public opinion started to change. You could feel it.190Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDeFv8l8t7e
I mean, there were still plenty of haters out there. I tried to avoid seeing the venom online. We still had to be careful with our own security.190Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc4BZYW6UDn
But by the time Holmlund filed an appeal with the clemency board, public sympathy for Blue seemed at an all-time high.190Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSNYtLzAM6Q
And when the board met, Cunny’s mom miraculously showed up to speak on Blue’s behalf, saying she believed clemency was what her son would want.190Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7jmTDphlYk
Blue broke down and sobbed as she spoke. So did I.190Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg3L1yI6dId
Even with all that, though, it took almost a year. The board dithered and delayed its decision. Holmlund said there must have been some strong opposition to granting Blue clemency.190Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB9ybtwMzm4
But finally—finally—we got word he would be released just after his three-year incarceration date.190Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLHqXVepOr1
And now, I’m on the highway, almost to the Leavenworth exit. I’m going to pick him up, bring him home to the ranch.190Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC9VlK2QFE9
Maria was kind enough to let me come by myself, to give us a little time alone together. She’s waiting at the ranch for him, along with Bryson.190Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMRAvgSfUxj
They’re a couple now. I guess when they met, they made an instant connection. Kind of like me and Blue.190Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKjzpuOrVwX
They were scared to tell Blue about it at first. They didn’t know how he’d react. But he’s been okay with it. In fact, I think he’s thrilled.190Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnzW38b6fRR
“Who would have thought?” he laughed in our last phone call. “Bryson and my mom.”190Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfq9VQ32S9K
I’m beyond excited to get Blue out of prison. My body and my soul have ached for him every day, every second, that’s he been away. I’ve driven myself crazy thinking about what he’s gone through at Leavenworth.190Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyqke9S9yXu
I can’t wait for him to touch me, hold me, make love to me. I want him to be rough and tender and crazed with passion and wild with adoration, all at the same time.190Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNCEHsxq0MQ
But I’m also nervous about our reunion. About how it will be between us. Three years is a long time, and inevitably, we’ve both changed.190Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHXQTXTSbod
Blue’s sadder, more introspective. I can see it in his eyes when I visit, hear it in his words.190Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJEP5wNQYtb
He’s been a model prisoner, teaching music classes to inmates, writing more songs. He’s a better, stronger person now, I think.190Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjuPJL2Dxk7
I’ve changed, too. At least I hope I have. The last three years have helped me grow up.190Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOSw2kgp0TR
I’ve spent a lot of my time with my grandmother, helping care for her. That nagging cough that’s dogged her was diagnosed as lung cancer not long after Blue’s conviction.190Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEquq1Ipkfc
Just when it felt like we were getting closer, building the kind of relationship we should have had all along, I may be about to lose her.190Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrx6q0fwbf7
I don’t know how much longer she has. The doctors say probably not more than a year. But they don’t understand what a tough old bird Virginia Cooke is. She may surprise us all.190Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo6Gjte8IMb
She’s still prickly, still regularly gets under my skin. But I understand her a lot better now.190Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlbPmJskSgN
I’m about to finish my degree at OU. I couldn’t bring myself to go back to Ikana, assuming they’d have let me come back. It just wouldn’t be the same.190Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVzjhhJdtQf
And I’ve applied for law school. Not because my grandmother wanted it, but because, after what we’ve experienced, I’m a lot more interested in becoming a lawyer than I ever thought I’d be.190Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBbxR2zRWPy
I might still go into journalism. But I like the idea of having a law degree as well.190Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyIC9ULco76
In a surprising turn of events, my brother is now a student at Ikana. Buick is apparently breaking hearts all over campus.190Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpMOzzbm9S5
But that’s another story.190Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHEfQv4pumz
I see the Leavenworth sign up ahead and turn on my signal.190Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYeA6hhBTqq
“I’m almost there, Blue,” I say. “I’m almost there.”190Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzbuWNEpGmV
~~~
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Interested in Keegan’s sexy brother Buick? He's got a searing story of his own that will start soon here on Penana! Be sure to follow me so you don't miss You Belong to Me. 😊
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