This is the part where I say, I love you.990Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj3DDMtHCgG
I open my mouth, draw in a deep breath, and am promptly knocked unconscious by a delicate china coffee cup disagreeing with my temple. I'm not sure which one shattered first.
Sometimes, I wonder what my life would be like if it were a story.990Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXqgMSchHHA
First of all, it would be far more interesting; after all, stories are rarely as boring as my daily routine.990Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE8bJGNEgiu
It goes a bit like this: I wake up at six, I brush my teeth, make breakfast (usually cereal, leftovers from takeaway the night before, or Gladys'), catch an update on the radio, and - oh, stuff it. Even I don't want to hear about that.990Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6EbvzPwLRc
Secondly, I wouldn't always be so bloody miserable. Protagonists in books are hardly ever miserable, and I hope that someday I could amount to something more than the minor character 'annoyed guy across the street', no?990Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt3iI1EAm94
Thirdly, I should have had a happy ending by now.990Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRXRKr5Oxri
I mean, seriously, I'm twenty-nine. And as everyone knows, the age of thirty is practically death. I live alone in a small apartment, have a crummy office job, and really not much else. Oh - I'm also in love. But since when has that turned out well in stories? Like, look at that Romeo guy. I think he dies or something.990Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBLMm3ZmDBJ
So honestly, I don't have much going for me, for my life. All my friends (ha! friends) guilt trip me about how lucky I am, but to be blunt I can't help feel every morning and every night that I'm on the short end of the straw. You know, the short side of the bendy straw that gets chewed on and spat out.990Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOy1c8IEuGt
My mum unfortunately knows this too. She moved into the apartment next to mine to 'keep an eye' on me, to 'lend a hand if you need'. Now in the evenings I'm serenaded by the sweet sounds of her explosive diarrhoea. I'll be filing a thin wall complaint when I get the chance.990Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIKEkD42ldT
Day in, day out, this is my life.990Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡit84RUPkyk
So when is my story going to start?
This is the part where the boy escapes on a Unicorn.990Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMiVvkGjQOE
My favorite haunt is a tidy little coffee shop on the corner between work and home called Gladys'. The food is good, the coffee is great, and the service is stunning, thanks to a magnificent woman by the name of Ellie. I've memorized her time schedule and make sure to check in when she's around, which is why I'm an hour late to work every Monday and Thursday. Gorgeous brown eyes, little chocolate beads they are, and hair like a preened horse mane, which I assure you is a compliment of the highest degree. Her voice is just heavenly, although I do admit I've only ever heard her say 'The usual? Coming right up!'. She wears a lovely china bracelet too, little swirls of blue on white that she fiddles with constantly. I find it rather endearing.990Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCi3ebUpDcf
It was a fine Saturday - of course it had to be a Saturday that was ruined. You see, I always like to watch Ellie make my coffee - I assume it's because I become slightly mentally unhinged when I am around her. This time, however, I could not enjoy my morning drink due to a particularly disturbing young man.990Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZJJI0QvM7P
Now, he was clearly a criminal of some sort, despite looking no older than nineteen. Heavy leather jacket, metal studded jeans, and a swagger that exuded sheer unjustified arrogance. I noticed him approaching the counter just as I was taking the first sip of my extra hot coffee.990Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrLjHWE7DJ3
'A piece of toast thanks.' He orders.990Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHs50xCsiu0
'...just toast?' God her voice sounds so soft I could sleep in it.990Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyzB1WSomP7
'Yes. Just. Toast.' His, on the other hand, was so rough I could feel his vocal chords being sanded down as he spoke.990Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG1nEkBh3CX
I watch Ellie as she slips the slice of bread into the toaster, the way her curved finger pushes down the lever. The way she drums her fingers nervously as she waits. Why nervously?990Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFs42A9mbro
ping!990Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOQ7DyO9DHt
'Here you are.' She doesn't look him in the eye as she hands over a plate with a single slice of toast. 'Your toast.'990Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡag7qrd4qb5
He doesn't touch it. 'No, Ellie, I've been thinking about those things you said to me - about how I'm too young, how I'm too, what, immature and irresponsible - and I've decided that no, you're toast.'990Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKIXcD6v1UW
A question mark hangs in the air. 'Jonas, what do you mean?' She knows this ugly specimens?990Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKSYKi0S1rZ
'Look.' He picks up the toast, and in one gloved hand, crumbles it into dust that falls meekly onto the counter. 'That's what I'm going to do to you for breaking my heart.' He storms out of Gladys', and, angered by the look of upset on Ellie's pretty face, I make quick pursuit with my coffee in hand.990Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWVALNBHmev
'Hey! Hey, you!' He stops and turns around at the sound of my call.990Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJkX25XR1P6
'What do you want?' He snarls.990Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlmvCkhiet8
'I want you to keep your dirty fingers off that girl!' I snap at him in a feeble attempt at intimidation.990Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡba1t6s2BZk
'No no no. That's not how it works. A girl turns down the Jonas Jones on a date, they pay the price.' An infuriating sneer, one clearly tempting me to make a move - and that is an offer I'm not going to turn down. I put my extra hot coffee to better use and throw the entire thing into his face, spoon and all.990Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2Ens2DYEjS
'AIEEEE! You're crazy, man!' His shocked eyes stare at me in disbelief, the attack having startled him enough to turn and flee. I watch as he rounds the corner and clambers onto his motorcycle - a painfully pink hunk of metal with the word Unicorn plastered on the side in blue and white.990Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUxlXdaFLCc
Smooth.
This is the part where I try Robin Hood on my mother, an adventurous position to put myself in which involves feeling around the front of her dress.990Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMpS4AMaFBs
My obsession with dear Ellie grows, as does my need to see her happy, after the strange encounter with Jonas Jones. I brainstorm gift ideas - she seems awfully fond of the unconventional china bracelet.990Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYHlVAI1EUz
My own mother happens to be quite the china connoisseur - her collection of bits and bobs all on display in an IKEA cabinet in her apartment.990Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5P3hEI79JT
Now, my average job of tedium was never going to pay for such dainty things, nor, I suppose, will Ellie's, so I felt no moral wrongness in the notion of pulling a Robin Hood on my mum and donating some china pieces to someone who no doubt needs them more. Ahem.
The heist begins with inviting my mum one meter down the corridor to have a 'life chat' with me, a strange ritual which she usually enforces on me once a month. Five laxative pills dissolved into the hot chocolate I've made so lovingly for her.990Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQpJIckU1hC
I bear through the grueling first few minutes of the talk in which she tells me to 'assess where I want to be in three years' but, much to my pleasure, the rant is prematurely interrupted by a rather rude anatomical sound which I won't indulge with a description.990Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJGXnyNAWZW
'Dear me!' She hobbles toward my bathroom, but I stop her -990Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt0jhDxcFIR
'The flush doesn't work.' I smile.990Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlDsOPFR5zN
'Oh, dear, dear, dear!' She's hunched over, and she can't reach into the front pocket of her dress - in which lie her room keys.990Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlXiBQjWzx7
'Would you like me to unlock your apartment for you?'990Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1788I4ng5e
'Please!'990Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAWg61RCVCf
What happened next was unpleasant but necessary. Suffice to say, I retrieved the keys from their storage place, remarkably near my birth place.990Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQdWGuVknBJ
The moment the door to her room was open, she hurried into the bathroom and locked the door - without thinking to show me out first.990Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRHbtxOmYOJ
I collect in a bag the nicest of her china collection - IKEA cabinets don't have much security. An assortment of cups and plates and animals, carefully picked to match the color scheme of Ellie's bracelet. Lovely.990Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs23JYKsftO
I leave the keys on dear mother's bedside table, and quickly desert the premises. The unfortunate woman's bowel structure combined with the help I had given to her digestive system meant that she should be occupied for a while.
This is the part where I abandon my preconceptions of love, abandon my apartment, and abandon my sanity in general.990Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFx1zVRAyow
I decided I would not return to the apartment. Mum would surely kill me, or worse. So instead, it being a Monday morning, I headed down to Gladys' with a bag going chinkle chinkle tied in red ribbon and a notetag with 'For Ellie' in my finest cursive. Which isn't very fine, mind you, but it's the thought that counts.990Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU5objupVcm
Gladys' was not the most active of places, and it was not difficult to wait for a moment when no one was looking to place the bag on the counter.990Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8P2aIBxGD9
I sit, and wait, and watch. Could it be that this might win her heart?990Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSLKFBC82C4
She sees the bag, looks around confusedly, and opens it there on the counter. She gasps, looks around confusedly again, and closes the bag before placing it on the shelf beside her.990Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjWXtL3zsN1
I walk up to the counter.990Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgFHQgRjVoP
'The usual?' Angelic.990Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgnVjkNZkvx
'Not quite.' I say. In fact, I decide to abandon all of the usual. I wouldn't be showing up to work today, I wouldn't be doing anything of the sort I usually do.990Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrmwTNmUFIR
Forget everything. This is the part where I say, I love you.990Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQKoHSVShlv
I open my mouth, draw in a deep breath, and am promptly knocked unconscious by a delicate china coffee cup disagreeing with my temple. I'm not sure which one shattered first.
This is the part where I emerge victorious from a deathly battle against cute fluffy creatures.990Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjhxntsR3TZ
'owwwww...' I rise from the floor with a grunt. Above me stands Jonas Jones, and his band of delinquents. I note the bag of china in his hands - the bloody nerve of him.990Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ01m6dzWUO6
'If the JONAS JONES isn't good enough for someone, no one is!' He booms.990Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFDR6fKJJ4q
'Leave her out of this!' I protest, noticing Ellie cowering in the corner of the cafe, the few other people inside watching the course of events with an excited but strangely detached interest. 'Let's take this outside.'990Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFukISnCsjF
'Let's go, big boy.' He cracks his knuckles.
RABBIT. UNICORN. PUG. They stand by their named motorcycles, Jonas in the center. 'Rabbit' was a tall and scrawny pimply fellow, whereas 'Pug' was a much more rotund beast, but just as unattractive as the former. To be honest, I couldn't catch the resemblance between Jonas and a unicorn, though.990Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoMlGGlehVM
'You boys are going to leave Ellie alone. And her gifts.' Upon feeling a twinge of pain, I quickly added 'And me.'990Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFQ2NMhUaDl
'Make us.' Rabbit pulls out a knife from his pocket.990Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPtzV4Hkfc9
'Now now, let's play fair - ' but my protest is cut off halfway through by a scream that made the windows of the cafe shake dangerously, threatening to shatter.990Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwtC1G9PwKH
'WHEEERE IIIIIIS MYYYY CHIIIIIIIIIINAAAAAAAAAAA?!?!?!'990Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNndPw7Arm8
I run into the shop, but the gang is stunned still - and I watch as my mother appears over the horizon, face inflamed red like a microwaving tomato ready to burst.990Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIr1ztxDSUC
She looks at the bag in Jonas' hands.990Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtkeWH6uOXM
Jonas looks down at the bag in his hands.990Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuC227EyyxW
Pug grabs the bag and hides it behind his back.990Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDkY9k4iJGW
Mother morphs into her final form and unleashes her rage.990Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcUT5Dqm8OQ
'AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!' I can't tell among the carnage who the sound is coming from, but I don't care - I turn around to face Ellie, and I grab her hands.990Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEtXbWN6sjz
'Ellie.' I say, eyes staring into hers.990Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJeIHxPLlbr
'Yes?'990Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSoUbiGT3ey
This is the part.990Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA2XM2G7N0Z
'I...'990Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDNjQLJybxh
'Yes?'990Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkiyJONHVKD
'Ellie, I luh. I lughhhh. I, I, I lughhhhhhhh - '990Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ24cL7D858Q
'Oh, shut up.' She lunges forwards and places her lips on mine, and the people in the cafe cheer, drowning out the noise of the scene outside.990Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtlchbYCbMp
And so it is, that my story ends here for you, and just begins for me, with an unexpected kiss and a declaration of love.990Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSzvV3JEO8d
I even think that mother might approve.990Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡey1TTAM4IM
This, my friend, is the part where you stop reading.
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