x
（寫於2016年10月6日，也是我的二十六歲生日正日）79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJzqfLn8Q5p
Lately I’ve been, I’ve been losing sleep79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ510X15Z1aM
Dreaming about the things that we could be79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZNao6A5KMV
But, baby I’ve been, I’ve been praying hard79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlFuGPh4evv
Said no more counting dollars, we’ll be counting stars79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB77dNSUTP4
Yeah, we’ll be counting stars79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBHywlb3C4i近來，我睡得愈來愈少79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL0mVSEuAPR
總是夢想我們可能成為的人79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7WTdG9XpaU
但，寶貝啊，我也很努力的在禱告79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOV6wg17cGB
祈禱我們不用再數算金錢，而是在數算星星79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQYWuRGpBJv
對，我們要數星星
今日，我26歲了。
26年前早上9時，母親剖腹生產。聯合醫院產房醫生和護士就如工廠的熟練技工一樣，把我從充滿羊水的子宮中拿出，過程快速利索。剖腹是事前預約好的，動刀程序是標準的，一些都在計劃之中。
同期，有一宗震撼世界的新聞，是世界始料未及的。
1989年6月4日，北京血流成河，肝腦塗地的是莘莘學子的屍體，急忙逃離中國國境的是記者，連關員都催促記者趕快帶著真相離開，將這件事象徵中國政治氣候急遽收緊的凶訊公諸於世。
距離九七移交，還有七八年的時間。
在我仍然慒懂無知的幼年時期，香港就在恐共與仇共的情緒之下，無奈地迎向這無法逃避的命運。
年歲稍長，中國於我還只是個模糊的概念，但在社會化和大眾媒體渲染的過程下，我知道了自己是香港人，也沾染了香港人比大陸人優越的意識。
記得中學時期曾讀過呂中文集，有一位中六七的Prefect 師姐寫過一篇文章，說自己以身為中國人為榮，並在聽到同學拒絕承認自己身為中國人而感到憤怒。當時我並未有太大感觸，只是覺得對文章內容不敢苟同。
03年，沙士。
自回歸以來，香港人從未試過如此害怕疫症，也從未試過如此團結。謝婉雯醫生的殉職，一方面令香港人恐懼，另一方面也令香港人重新思考人生中真正重要的事物為何。這一條寶貴的性命刺激人們的反思，說不定比後來的雷曼債劵和歐債危機更多也更深刻。
「我實實在在的告訴你們，一粒麥子不落在地裡死了，仍舊是一粒，若是死了，就結出許多子粒來。」－《約翰福音》12:24
03年時，我只是中二生。沙士於我而言，除了是一個新聞事件，就是一個四週的假期。當年的中學生，擔心會考高考和上大學還比較多。
I see this life like a swinging vine,79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOC2G4VI32A
Swing my heart across the line79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdwgS9OZwFc
In my face is flashing signs,79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfDt9MGwuRO
Seek it out and ye shall find.我看這種人生就像在搖擺的籐枝，79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCpd1TVYouI
讓我的心也想要過界，79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3PpaSlLvYb
在我面前就是閃亮的招牌：79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJTZ4ffNmfr
「尋求它就必得著」
就在會考與高考期間，老師和媒體都如此灌輸我們：你們要上大學，在公開試考個好成績就可以！要成功而圓滿的人生，就一定要讀好書，將來找一份好工作！
我們當時如此聽信，也努力的準備考試。
高考過後，各人入讀不同的大學，社會就開始傳出大學生貶值的新聞。畢業生月入愈來愈低，內地生來港得到的資源似乎愈來多，我們本地香港人卻漸漸地被邊緣化。
我們感覺被騙了。
Old but I’m not that old79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ9WGUo9kWD
Young but I’m not that bold79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2Hi4ypmYGZ
And I don’t think the world is sold79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5sQQ5pRbcG
I’m just doing what we’re told年長，但不年老；79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLfO8vEzw4o
年輕，但不輕狂。79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw3znYSSDeE
我不覺世界都能用作買賣，79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3lq6OSIb5K
我只是跟著世界對我們說的去做
2012年，國民教育令全城熱鬧哄哄，「黃之鋒」和「學民思潮」成為關鍵字。
港英時代的去政治化教育，來到這年反而引發了泛政治化的社會風潮。不知何故，我心中想起了另一段聖經經文：
「你們不要想我來是叫地上太平；我來並不是叫地上太平，乃是叫地上動刀兵。79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqUFvaoxNa1
因為我來是叫人與父親生疏，女兒與母親生疏，媳婦與婆婆生疏。79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7J8hlbIMBv
人的仇敵就是自己家裏的人。79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrSpy1RauCM
愛父母過於愛我的，不配作我的門徒；愛兒女過於愛我的，不配作我的門徒；79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE4bzt7bEsr
不背著他的十字架跟從我的，也不配作我的門徒。79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡslbXKeoEOc
得著生命的，將要失喪生命；為我失喪生命的，將要得著生命。」－《馬太福音》10:34-37
終於，來到2014年的雨傘運動。79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJvYpBZPTCk
於我而言，這是香港歴史的轉捩點。這是公民覺醒的事件，是撕裂社會和教會的時刻，也是香港人不能不正視社會不義的關鍵事件。79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFNch2ZRiws
在我人生最後一個暑假，進入了解放軍駐港部隊的新圍軍營，學到了步操、軍體拳和榮譽感。本應將我教育成愛國愛港畢業生的軍訓，劫吊詭地教會了我以身為香港人為榮。
在我遊走佔領區時，看到金鍾夏愨村的公民教室、露天補習室、連儂牆、公共漂書櫃，各式街頭雨傘藝術品，放在政府總部公廁內的各種洗髮水、牙膏和女性用品，這些種種都反映了我們身為香港人的公民素質。打從出生以來，我的這份香港人身份榮譽感從未如此高漲過。
I I I I feel something so right by doing the wrong thing79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3THHNYvKj8
And I I I I feel something so wrong by doing the right thing在做「錯」事時，我我我我居然感到如此正確；79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9KMbZYDZiV
在做「正確」之事時，我我我我居然又感到如此錯誤I could lie, couldn’t I, couldn’t I?79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnw56IZ6Cak
Everything that kills me makes me feel alive.其實我可以說謊騙自己，對罷？對罷？79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡON0BuyBuqB
但會害死我的東西卻令我感到活著！
好些前輩如程翔、劉進圖和刑福增等都是（或曾經是）「大中華膠」，擁護中國和她的歴史和文化等等。作為六四後出生一代，我無法明白那種對中國的美好嚮往，但至少對「文化中國」不感到強烈抗拒。然而若論到「政治中國」，恐怕除了社會上的少數權貴階級，就沒有多少人會由衷喜歡。
政治中國令我對中國人身份引以為恥，所以我寧可說「華人」也不願說出「中國人」三字。
是掙扎，也是呼召
處身歴史的洪流中，掙扎是如此真實，生命的重量也是幾近不能承受。
除了時政，物欲橫流、紙醉金迷的消費主義，幻變的職場，可望不可即的樓價，人世間的聚合散離等等，無一不是拉扯著我們的生命，甚至扯得支離破碎。
在這破碎而迷失的世代中，世界對我們的呼聲始終不減。79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk3pawKyRLH
梁家麟院長在《關於基督徒，我們說的是⋯》一書中推薦序中，寫道：「每一代都要有人起來宣告耶穌是主」，但也嚴嚴的澄清有些責任只能由這一代自己負責。79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKSDaX2gv1P
I feel her love79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNKmFFvaevT
And I feel it burn down this river every time79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjMmA2aPN4o
Hope is our four-letter word, make that money watch it burn我感受到她的愛，79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6U9b6TcOkM
我每次都感受到它會燒掉這道洪流；79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFVaBp5umVC
「希望」是我們的字詞，賺了的錢又眼巴巴看著錢燒掉
我們這一代，看得見希望嗎？在這彎曲悖謬的世代，我們知道自己當行之事為何嗎？
我們這一代，知道我們要負起的責任是甚麼嗎？
身為基督門徒，我思想基督在十架上的垂死景象：雙手被釘在十架上不能動彈，每吸一口氣都痛不欲生，身上連一塊遮羞布都沒有，是完全赤身在公眾眼前的全然軟弱。面對幻變人生的我們，也能在衪身上看到自己面對幻變人生的真實本我：軟弱、受限，對一切世事都沒有多少能力去操控。
Lately I’ve been, I’ve been losing sleep79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhJlO1hA2CR
Dreaming about the things that we could be79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZHMEgUh0t2
But, baby I’ve been, I’ve been praying hard79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfsiGpdvQSh
Said no more counting dollars, we’ll be counting stars79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAM1PipadFl
Yeah, we’ll be counting stars近來，我睡得愈來愈少79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPahrpRUrHK
總是夢想我們可能成為的人79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBNgjm00jpm
但，寶貝啊，我也很努力的在禱告79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyIwMQgdg57
祈禱我們不用再數算金錢，而是在數算星星79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGDGY5dVQNi
對，我們要數星星
誠然，我們已經過了可以悠閒數算星星的階段。
但，也不要只顧著數算自己口袋有多少錢。
要記住我們當行之事。79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwUa8E7oamB
是的，要緊記我們的責任。79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡktP7MoztCS
ns18.216.64.93da2“Counting Stars” by OneRepublic79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU9j1xByPb0
Lately I’ve been, I’ve been losing sleep79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6U08DhjZQA
Dreaming about the things that we could be79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQVi4z9wcH0
But, baby I’ve been, I’ve been praying hard79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLR7MAWmKPT
Said no more counting dollars, we’ll be counting stars79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡptVnAZu7Gx
Yeah, we’ll be counting starsI see this life like a swinging vine,79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNPmDCicZn5
Swing my heart across the line79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXpuinUSZSL
In my face is flashing signs,79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOa50khteYj
Seek it out and ye shall find.Old but I’m not that old79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfpy3wvr2cT
Young but I’m not that bold79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX3JpVwe8JZ
And I don’t think the world is sold79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy3zuPu5LqV
I’m just doing what we’re toldI I I I feel something so right by doing the wrong thing79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5vj1LKuz7I
And I I I I feel something so wrong by doing the right thingI could lie, couldn’t I, couldn’t I?79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNSaWiWsp9O
Everything that kills me makes me feel alive.Lately I’ve been, I’ve been losing sleep79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAZ2BdAkSKW
Dreaming about the things that we could be79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5wvrW3H9B2
Baby I’ve been, I’ve been praying hard79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxAObM1rlVg
Said no more counting dollars, we’ll be counting stars79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqESKjuDriO
Lately I’ve been, I’ve been losing sleep79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjarmE4TmPy
Dreaming about the things that we could be79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ0aLTwnXaR
But, baby I’ve been, I’ve been praying hard79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNKozGPuR9X
Said no more counting dollars, we’ll be-we’ll be counting starsYe-e-yeah
I feel her love79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5PXHi9VAE5
And I feel it burn down this river every time79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ39V2UHH5Sw
Hope is our four-letter word, make that money watch it burnOld but, I’m not that old79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkMgGFQnGBi
Young, but I’m not that bold79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR8gXvHzHDb
And I don’t think the world is sold79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBXZVRkdulv
I’m just doing what we’re toldAnd I I I I feel something so wrong by doing the right thing79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡliKLaIQ09t
I could lie, couldn’t I, couldn’t I?79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4gnlkloinK
Everything that drowns me makes me wanna flyLately I’ve been, I’ve been losing sleep79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdRyIJT6DRy
Dreaming about the things that we could be79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX3VlSjLxj6
Baby I’ve been, I’ve been praying hard79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ89aRT1VEG4
Said no more counting dollars, we’ll be counting stars79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe65pSAx8KC
Lately I’ve been, I’ve been losing sleep79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIVO7ox4xjN
Dreaming about the things that we could be79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYURfJWg927
But, baby I’ve been, I’ve been praying hard79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpzavG0qIqA
Said no more counting dollars, we’ll be-we’ll be counting starsOh, take that money watch it burn,79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡndtSbSzKxj
Sing in the river the lessons I learned79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN7lfz3OA1i
Take that money watch it burn,79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqxIps4RVaA
Sing in the river the lessons I learned79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx8Os3TBFCD
Take that money watch it burn,79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbKw9ycIReR
Sing in the river the lessons I learned79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfPdrLFLPgK
Take that money watch it burn,79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa0zgOadvA6
Sing in the river the lessons I learnedEverything that kills me makes me feel alive79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcnOnWBXt3Z
Lately I’ve been, I’ve been losing sleep79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvIpJLO4N5I
Dreaming about the things that we could be79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbnpIHwUVC8
Baby I’ve been, I’ve been praying hard79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDOfZGVCiKX
Said no more counting dollars, we’ll be counting stars79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkAbsUQcbk0
Lately I’ve been, I’ve been losing sleep79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiw9KNG3oZI
Dreaming about the things that we could be79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmvSokJFpn3
But, baby I’ve been, I’ve been praying hard79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ56MmCV2mK
Said no more counting dollars, we’ll be-we’ll be counting starsTake that money watch it burn,79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbRIhr84Mca
Sing in the river the lessons I learned79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGt8KXnmSCV
Take that money watch it burn,79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNjRIQHw4zc
Sing in the river the lessons I learned79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsoiZWPjakO
Take that money watch it burn,79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV7W3IMaXNY
Sing in the river the lessons I learned79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqveFPmBlX2
Take that money watch it burn,79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7EMvx19i13
Sing in the river the lessons I learned79Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbl2jgXRWcp
