Trigger warning: Mentions of homophobia and mild violence.
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lizzy williams:
Hey I have strict parents so try not to send stuff like that without asking if I’m pos but yeah I am lol
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She had replied within seconds.
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ash:
sorry! whats pos mean?
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I was at a church activity and I was hiding in the bathroom while the other girls were out playing basketball. I knew I should be out there trying to make friends but I was just so tired of having a full day of dealing with humans. Again. Besides, I didn’t fit in at church here. I didn’t fit in anywhere that wasn’t Atlanta.
But weren’t you always lying about your s xuality back home? Weren’t you always pretending you were neurotypical?
That voice in my head had a point.
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lizzy williams:
Parent over shoulder. Basically when my parents are looking and I can’t delete my texts.
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ash:
oh ok gotcha. well we should talk more, i have never met anyone like me before
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Nick hadn’t replied yet, but Adam and I had been chatting about his job and how my old life had been in Georgia. I hadn’t told him I was a lesbian yet because it turns it he was also a member of our church. And I wasn’t ready to deal with any homophobia today. Coming out was a lot easier with people who weren’t religious. But my fellow Mormons? It was difficult. You never knew how they would react. I closed my eyes for a second, remembering how Amanda had said she would rather die than have another girl have a crush on her, how my ex Jenny got punched when she first came out and how the other girls shunned her from the dressing room. What if people here responded in the same way?
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lizzy williams:
Ok :) see ya tmr
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* * *
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ash:
i miss the fall colors most of all. summer here is almost over and the colorful leaves arent as obvious as they were in georgia.
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I stared at my phone before deleting the message. I needed to stop texting Jenny. She never replied.
Jenny and I got together in secret. I wasn’t ready to be out to anyone, not after seeing how she was treated. She was patient but eventually it wasn’t enough. And she got tired of worrying about my anxiety and depression.
I wasn’t enough for her.
And I promised myself that I would do my best to never fall in love with a girl again. Because I knew I would never be enough for anybody.
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* * *
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“How are you, Ash?” Dr. Coleman asked. “Been feeling any better?”
“Yeah,” I lied. “Yeah I think so.”517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLhj43TSwVD
“Getting adjusted to your new school?”
“I’m trying.”
“Any friends at school yet?”
“I’m working on it,” I replied with a small smile.
Dr. Coleman raised an eyebrow but didn’t say anything about it. “Found a new therapist yet? Do we need to change your meds?”
“No,” I lied. I tried not to squirm thinking about the medication. The false reality it seemed to provide. “I think I’m okay.”
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