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No Plagiarism!8xykBkfYCzgzl5484m7lposted on PENANA 兩年半前8964 copyright protection361PENANAPjRTuuMQad 維尼
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「林寒玉,你──你怎麼還活著!」謝雪痕死死地盯著他,忽然咧起半邊嘴冷笑。「呵,活過來又如何,那我就再次打斷你的靈筋,讓你生不如死。」8964 copyright protection361PENANAhnLPNS9CRI 維尼
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回應他的是玉川劍與玄鐵鍊錚然相擊。8964 copyright protection361PENANAXdW1wUwqHg 維尼
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纏鬥了一會,他見他護甲裡面裹著層層繃帶,每甩一次玄鐵鍊時都滲出污血,卻無知無覺,猜想定必喝過大量瓊漿抑制痛感,不禁皺眉:好端端的一個人,怎會被雲宮弄成這樣……謝雪痕作惡再多,仍是師兄的小兒子……師兄臨死前將遺孤托付於他……他得想個辦法制住人再慢慢教訓……8964 copyright protection361PENANAxhnntMvyJe 維尼
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他見對方劍勢稍緩,整個人撞過去,要將他玄甲和玄鐵鍊上塗的腐血和蝕心蠱傳過去。8964 copyright protection361PENANAIXDHhLkKso 維尼
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謝鳴淵大叫一聲「師尊躲開」。8964 copyright protection361PENANAPgkpvK6mbW 維尼
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林寒玉的神色一變,瞇起了眼,威壓與玄冰焰同時迸發出來。8964 copyright protection361PENANAWh2m4qClhC 維尼
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他一劍將謝雪痕一邊肩胛刺了個對穿,劍上燃起青白色的火,一路順著劍身燒過去。365Please respect copyright.PENANAbuCaMzCHCy
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玄鐵鍊和玄鐵甲熔化了,毒血煉化了,他整個人裹在玄鐵熔漿和玄冰焰裡,摔落雪地,翻滾慘嚎。8964 copyright protection361PENANACvfYHFChjw 維尼
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評語:8964 copyright protection361PENANAn1giN8sZm9 維尼
1. 像在寫平鋪直敍的概論,雖然滿腦子都是燃得不行的畫面,但寫出來就是乾巴巴的某武器與某武器相擊,「纏鬥一會」輕輕帶過,危機出現有人大叫閃開,然後就直接跳到勝負結果,節奏生硬8964 copyright protection361PENANAgw3xNLeaHk 維尼
2. 0特效音效,完全沒有任何畫面感和感官刺激可言8964 copyright protection361PENANAM4PZwu2OSS 維尼
3. 很多的「他」,分不清誰是誰8964 copyright protection361PENANA9xB188ozsW 維尼
4. 最致命的一點,主角爆發的原因與力度沒有好好寫出來,應該要好好扣緊人設,這才能令讀者信服8964 copyright protection361PENANAUFlkLb3W8B 維尼
5. 標點用錯了,問號和感嘆號用不好,還特別喜歡在一大段裡用……來分隔內心想法,明明分段就好了8964 copyright protection361PENANAx5k13FcJZg 維尼
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兩年半後重修是這樣的:8964 copyright protection361PENANAi5kdYmYlTG 維尼
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「林寒玉,你──你怎麼還活著?」8964 copyright protection361PENANAhlIej0PlwH 維尼
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謝雪痕死死地盯著他,獨眼迸出寒芒,忽然咧起半邊嘴冷笑起來,和半邊修羅面具的獰笑表情一模一樣,在鳥背上一甩長長的玄鐵鍊。8964 copyright protection361PENANATjRgRDF0oF 維尼
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「呵,活過來又如何?那我就再次打斷你的靈筋,讓你生不如死!」8964 copyright protection361PENANAGUGjLuJ3c0 維尼
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回應他的是如潮水般暴漲的戰意,玉川劍光芒大盛,與玄鐵鍊錚然相擊。8964 copyright protection361PENANAJc3WCKAWZW 維尼
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「噹!」8964 copyright protection361PENANAsMWjTuZbOF 維尼
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讓人牙酸的磨擦聲並沒有響起,因為林寒玉根本不會留機會給謝雪痕用玄鐵鍊纏住劍身──8964 copyright protection361PENANA4YPMbB7Dib 維尼
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事實上,那條純玄鐵打造的鎖鍊也無法纏住玉川劍。玉川劍以玄冰焰淬煉而成,煉成之時灌注了玄冰寒玉的烈怒,為誅邪而生,早已不是普通的靈劍,劍身和環繞劍身的劍芒都至為鋒利,與玄鐵鍊正面交擊一回,已經在鍊上割出了一道缺口!8964 copyright protection361PENANAwEyiT0QGwl 維尼
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兩人一擊即分,在空中拉開一段距離。8964 copyright protection361PENANA4V1CGhNLPM 維尼
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林寒玉既然出手,哪裡還會給他還手的機會?不見他如何動作,只見狂風裹著一個白色身影,二丈距離轉瞬即至,玉川劍一聲雷鳴般的劍嘯,人與劍挾著寒徹肺腑的冷風,再度如閃電般襲至!8964 copyright protection361PENANAUEkrqyqn5V 維尼
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好快的劍!8964 copyright protection361PENANAZtFAcGHAnT 維尼
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謝雪痕獨眼瞳孔一縮,再度橫鍊格檔,同時一側身,正要反手還擊──8964 copyright protection361PENANAOb9mawEKzS 維尼
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林寒玉如影隨形,玉川劍隨他心意而動,第三劍已經呼嘯而至!8964 copyright protection361PENANAV3597EB4Ns 維尼
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謝雪痕不得不應,不得不擋,如此一路退一路擋,哪裡擋得住迅捷無倫的心劍?他閃身躲避,身上玄鐵甲仍被劍氣波及,霎時多了數道裂痕。8964 copyright protection361PENANA6oJaF3qRnQ 維尼
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纏鬥了一會,林寒玉見他護甲裡面裹著層層繃帶,每甩一次玄鐵鍊,新傷舊傷都滲出更多污血,卻仍恍若無知無覺,猜想定必喝過大量瓊漿抑制痛感,不禁皺了皺眉。8964 copyright protection361PENANAwyzUeKhClp 維尼
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好端端的一個人,怎會被雲宮弄成這樣?8964 copyright protection361PENANAmlLWlfeF0D 維尼
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謝雪痕作惡再多,仍是師兄的小兒子,師兄臨死前將遺孤托付於他,他就不能隨意開殺戒,得想個辦法制住人再慢慢教訓。8964 copyright protection361PENANAYHaOVQSUT3 維尼
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謝雪痕見林寒玉劍勢稍緩,抓緊機會整個人直撞過去,要將他玄甲和玄鐵鍊上塗的腐血和蝕心蠱傳過去!8964 copyright protection361PENANAtMj7z2kDAb 維尼
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「師尊快躲開!」謝鳴淵在不遠處與宋慧一起戰鬥,不時分心看林寒玉幾眼,見謝雪痕欲近身投毒,馬上大喊出聲。8964 copyright protection361PENANAuJ9U7pQavz 維尼
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林寒玉之前中了蝕心蠱、又泡在化血池裡,到底有多痛,謝鳴淵與他共情時早體會過了,心知肚明,可不想讓他師尊再經歷一次!8964 copyright protection361PENANADEqvAN2bgr 維尼
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腥風撲鼻,林寒玉的神色一變,危險地瞇起了一雙丹鳳眼,無可匹敵的靈力威壓與玄冰焰同時迸發出來。8964 copyright protection361PENANA62V9OsBoca 維尼
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「豎子敢爾!」8964 copyright protection361PENANAJ83kDpyN8m 維尼
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誕生於玄冰最深處的玄冰寒玉,經歷千萬年的重壓方成冰中之眼,天然的威壓不可小覷。兩人附近的妖化雪鴞都紛紛發出悲鳴墜落,包括謝雪痕那隻純白無斑的妖鴞,也一改兇惡的神態,恐慌地撲騰著雙翼,卻無論如何都扛不住鋪天蓋地的巨壓,半路已然沒了聲息!8964 copyright protection361PENANAif5EK3zUM4 維尼
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謝雪痕揮動玄鐵鍊,一蹬,止住跌勢,棄了座騎,要再拚著騰空一擊!8964 copyright protection361PENANAmOBycGyZNC 維尼
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林寒玉手一招,玉川劍就從空中急掠而下,將謝雪痕一邊肩胛刺了個對穿,劍上燃起青白色的怪火,在低沉的轟鳴聲中一路順著劍身燒過去。8964 copyright protection361PENANA48RSEBOJhp 維尼
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玄鐵鍊和玄鐵甲霎那間熔化,毒血被煉化得乾乾淨淨,謝雪痕臉上的修羅面具也頃刻化灰,整個人裹在玄鐵熔漿和玄冰焰裡,燃燒著墜落在雪地上,不住地翻滾慘嚎。8964 copyright protection361PENANAmWW5AC9456 維尼
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努力改善了動作戲這個短板,動♂作♂戲也隨之改善了呢(笑)8964 copyright protection361PENANAfaRFsskfBk 維尼
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