有傑去世後,我時常把錄音帶放在身旁。住院期間,我除了自怨自艾,其餘時間則放在打盹和聆聽錄音帶的琴聲。稚嫩的琴聲有不少沙石,旋律斷斷續續,生硬且不流𣈱,但這始終是他竭盡全力為我演奏的樂章。如果有傑仍在世,我會指導他去精進琴藝,改正不足之處。209Please respect copyright.PENANAY4QyIKr4hi
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只是……世上沒有「如果」。錄音帶已無緣記錄有傑更動聽的琴聲,琴聲定格在他十歲的時光。如果我沒有解僱教鋼琴的陳老師;如果我有關注他的精神健康;如果我沒有處處將他和有俊比較……一切是否就能改寫?
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千愁萬緒在腦中打轉,揮之不去。
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想著想著,我不知不覺在錄音帶的催眠下入睡。
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我做了個美夢。
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夢醒後,我淚流不止。
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夢中,一切如錄音帶倒溯重播,我回到了父子最後對話的那刻。有傑依舊低著頭,無助地道歉著。這次,我沒有冷漠地離開,而是緊緊抱住他。他嚇了一跳,困惑地望著淚流滿面的我。
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這次,我選擇了不同的路。不再逼他學不想學的鋼琴;不再把他與有俊比較;不再把對「有傑」這名字的期望放在他身上。
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這次,他長大成人。在大學的畢業舞台上,穿著學士服,臉上露出和煦的笑容,眼中不再有恐懼與自卑,取而代之的是希望和自信。
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夢境戛然而止,是那麼美好又虛渺……睜眼一看,有傑不在我身邊,我失神地呢喃:「也是」。世上沒有「如果」。若然有,亦只存在於夢中。我無法改變過去,就只能沉溺在虛幻的夢中嗎?遺憾已經夠多,還要一錯再錯嗎?現在我能做些甚麼來彌補過去的錯誤?那怕微不足道,也勝過空想的夢。
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