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Three Years Later…
Keegan
It’s been three years since Blue was taken away from me. Three agonizingly long years. But it’s almost over now.166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbaXgyRyX7g
It could have been a lot longer. Blue was originally sentenced to eight years in prison. Eight years. Just thinking about that now makes my stomach drop.166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDrxZLENyFY
I cried out when the sentence was read in the courtroom. Like a fool, I screamed at the panel that convicted him. I screamed at the judge. I couldn’t control myself. The sentence seemed so unfair, so pointless.166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdVhI2UU7si
Naturally, I was thrown out by the bailiff. So I didn’t even get to say goodbye to Blue before he was taken away.166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3ckuvOUM7r
Devastated, I went home to my room at the ranch. I curled up into a ball on my bed and stayed that way for the next week.166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡifYHRnutgH
I didn’t bathe; I barely ate. I just wanted to sleep all the time, to dream that Blue was right next to me, tangled up with me.166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrLf4YfdQmo
I didn’t want to see or speak to anyone. I was mad at the Army, mad at the world, mad at God.166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgxez9fyIzt
Most of all, I was so goddamn angry at myself. If I hadn’t written everything down in my journal, none of this would’ve happened.166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX8htpRMibM
I didn’t see any way to go on. Not without Blue. Not for eight years, without Blue.166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkPqNTqfoUU
When I finally emerged from my self-pitying coccoon and started acting somewhat sane, Virginia gave me the letter from Blue.166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo1d8gRhcHH
He’d intended for me to have it right away. But Holmlund was worried how it would affect me. So he gave the letter to my grandmother and asked her to give it to me when she thought the time was right.166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡowaczhaZ0q
I was pissed that she held it for so long. More than pissed. I was fucking furious at both her and Holmlund. How dare they make that decision?166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlXF4RgozJU
I screamed at my grandmother. I told her she had no right to withhold the letter from me. I stormed out of the house and into the barn, saddled Okie and took off at a gallop with the letter still unopened in my jeans pocket.166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0nuovQDZG3
I didn’t read it until I reached the cabin. I went up to the loft, to the bed where I’d spent so many nights with Blue, ripped open the letter, and read it through, slowly, three times.166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSrOEGFg14H
Then I cried for what felt like forever.166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4QHzw6YXgn
But after that, I got angry at Blue. I mean, I understood what he was trying to do. He was thinking of me, of what he thought was best for me.
But did he really think I would just walk away and forget I ever knew him? Did he really think I could do that?166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡErG14qeatU
By the time I headed back toward the house, it was dusk. I took it slow, giving Okie his lead, moving at a gentle pace through the dark. I cried a little more, thinking about my romantic ride through the darkness with Blue several months ago. It seemed like another lifetime, when we did that.166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYrMFvmoz9z
But I also started thinking about something Holmlund told me earlier when he called to check on me and Virginia literally had to force the phone into my hand.166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfH1Udsyybt
“Keegan,” Holmlund said, “do you remember I told you the day the verdict was read that it wasn’t the end, that I still had some tricks up my sleeve?166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoLhk1pXwJK
I didn’t answer: I just stood there silently, sulking like a baby. But I was listening.166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpzzR34JVlD
Holmlund went on, telling me about the Army Clemency and Parole Board.166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSH6nUFzVTD
“After nine months, Blue can request clemency from the board. That means his sentence could be set aside completely or at least reduced, if we can convince the board that he deserves it.”166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK82YcdUoc1
And that lit a little flame of hope inside me. Clemency. If anybody deserves clemency, it is Blue Daniels.166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡak0PAMCUEY
First though, we had to get through the initial nine months.166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXpAa3gVdv3
It took two months before I was allowed to visit Blue at Fort Leavenworth in Kansas. That’s because at first, he wouldn’t sign the permission form to have me cleared to come to the prison.166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKu7EOJoW0i
He wouldn’t even make the collect call to the ranch that he was allowed once a week. He called his mother, but not me.166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSXb9FwwFDJ
He was applying tough love, I guess. He wanted me to do what he’d asked me to do in the letter. He wanted me to walk away.166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwdZw387KQM
But I was not going anywhere. And I was going to make Blue talk to me.166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhoiahkoBin
So I drove to Tulsa, to his mom’s house. A sympathetic Maria had told me when he was supposed to call her, and when he did, she answered and then handed the phone to me, walking away to give us some privacy.166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRGp4QLsvuY
I just stood there for a minute, holding the phone, debating what to say.166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHOR3blEF9O
“Hello?” I heard Blue say. “Mama?”166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoyHASsdK5A
Then I exploded. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd6LoF0lMxv
Silence on the other end. And then, finally, his voice, weak and uncertain. “Keegan?”166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbgDYqTXRZe
“Answer my question!” I snapped. “What is wrong with you? What do you think you’re doing, cutting me out like this? Do you know what it’s doing to me, Blue? Do you?”166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUmKJnczrmQ
He didn’t answer, so I barreled on.166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP1F9TMoi9o
“How dare you send me a letter like that and then just expect me to walk away. Like I could even do that. What the hell were you thinking, huh? And, then, then, you pull this crap of not letting me come see you, not calling me?”166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL4GsjOiv1z
He was still not responding, and I was working myself into a frenzy.166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXNjFl0zNQR
“You’re just a . . . a stubborn jackass! I’m not going anywhere, do you understand me? You are stuck with me. If I have to drive up to that prison and stand outside all day, every day, ‘til you sign that form, I’ll do it. You are not getting rid of me that easy. So don’t even think I’m walking away from you!”166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJZfrOhnxuA
Still, there was silence. I began to wonder if he’d hung up. But listening closer, I could hear his shallow breathing. The kind of breaths you take when you’re crying.166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ083m95mHIs
“For God’s sake, Blue, say something!”166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8dhPXKPwel
There was another long pause. “Eight years is too long, Keegan,” he finally said, sighing, his voice small and miserable. “It’s just too long. I can’t let you wait around for me, don’t you get that? I can’t do it.”166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb8XtAp67mJ
“You have no choice. Do you get that, Blue? You. Have. No. Choice.”166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡokfrkS7058
My body couldn’t decide at that moment whether to start screaming again or break down crying.166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2N964D1Ya5
“I’m waiting.” Now I'm half shouting and half crying. “And you are not shutting me out!"166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoUc5kqTpel
I let my words hang there a moment. Then I went on a tad more calmly.166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6rdoDqcx1r
"Besides, it won’t be eight years. Don’t you remember the clemency board Holmlund talked about? We already have a plan on that. So don’t think you’re getting rid of me. I told you, I will come up to that prison and stand outside of it every fucking day until you let me in. And I mean it!”166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGO6F6dVPZH
He did eventually sign the form, and Maria and I started taking turns driving up to see Blue. And he started calling me at the ranch as often as he could.166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ5TvKcG4fF
It wasn’t nearly enough. But it was better than nothing.166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqsYufMUxte
And that’s where Blue's music started to help. It was out there, being consumed, being shared, moving hearts and minds. Frasier Bryson was doing everything in his power to tell Blue's story, to advocate for him.166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsJgytMbCXf
At the same time, Virginia was pulling political strings, calling in favors.166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZh743FQVJH
All of us—me, Holmlund, Virginia, Maria, Bryson —threw ourselves into the effort to get clemency for Blue.166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSQ6VcvvrLt
His conviction generated headlines around the world, and we did everything possible to keep his name and face and cause in the public eye for those nine long months before he could apply.166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS8Tva4jqiN
And public opinion started to change. You could feel it.166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAl3XAEbAok
I mean, there were still plenty of haters out there. I tried to avoid seeing the venom online. We still had to be careful with our own security.166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc2cgXb1ELd
But by the time Holmlund filed an appeal with the clemency board, public sympathy for Blue seemed at an all-time high.166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSWQCwNXnuc
And when the board met, Cunny’s mom miraculously showed up to speak on Blue’s behalf, saying she believed clemency was what her son would want.166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA8CcjrXJKQ
Blue broke down and sobbed as she spoke. So did I.166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI11xv5TMht
Even with all that, though, it took almost a year. The board dithered and delayed its decision. Holmlund said there must have been some strong opposition to granting Blue clemency.166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdkjQyCS4Yq
But finally—finally—we got word he would be released just after his three-year incarceration date.166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfP4d0wNK7q
And now, I’m on the highway, almost to the Leavenworth exit. I’m going to pick him up, bring him home to the ranch.166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPHxFNzxgCc
Maria was kind enough to let me come by myself, to give us a little time alone together. She’s waiting at the ranch for him, along with Bryson.166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCERIa232eS
They’re a couple now. I guess when they met, they made an instant connection. Kind of like me and Blue.166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ4YLbzzWps
They were scared to tell Blue about it at first. They didn’t know how he’d react. But he’s been okay with it. In fact, I think he’s thrilled.166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ82VKE9dzbB
“Who would have thought?” he laughed in our last phone call. “Bryson and my mom.”166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAHZgMUxNoj
I’m beyond excited to get Blue out of prison. My body and my soul have ached for him every day, every second, that’s he been away. I’ve driven myself crazy thinking about what he’s gone through at Leavenworth.166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpO1R2kDrY6
I can’t wait for him to touch me, hold me, make love to me. I want him to be rough and tender and crazed with passion and wild with adoration, all at the same time.166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPTqLbQwrcd
But I’m also nervous about our reunion. About how it will be between us. Three years is a long time, and inevitably, we’ve both changed.166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7NWEvsJNe1
Blue’s sadder, more introspective. I can see it in his eyes when I visit, hear it in his words.166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4MR39vdFgb
He’s been a model prisoner, teaching music classes to inmates, writing more songs. He’s a better, stronger person now, I think.166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvI3pCVvgix
I’ve changed, too. At least I hope I have. The last three years have helped me grow up.166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAQ8Z9RwprT
I’ve spent a lot of my time with my grandmother, helping care for her. That nagging cough that’s dogged her was diagnosed as lung cancer not long after Blue’s conviction.166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRUI5w1PNm8
Just when it felt like we were getting closer, building the kind of relationship we should have had all along, I may be about to lose her.166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsD9fxFPkmQ
I don’t know how much longer she has. The doctors say probably not more than a year. But they don’t understand what a tough old bird Virginia Cooke is. She may surprise us all.166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkpQUJ6zwrM
She’s still prickly, still regularly gets under my skin. But I understand her a lot better now.166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlnse5kcDuo
I’m about to finish my degree at OU. I couldn’t bring myself to go back to Ikana, assuming they’d have let me come back. It just wouldn’t be the same.166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcjFJoaPUKY
And I’ve applied for law school. Not because my grandmother wanted it, but because, after what we’ve experienced, I’m a lot more interested in becoming a lawyer than I ever thought I’d be.166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVHAYs78Yk5
I might still go into journalism. But I like the idea of having a law degree as well.166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0XTCHsVKt6
In a surprising turn of events, my brother is now a student at Ikana. Buick is apparently breaking hearts all over campus.166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN3fA3zvRfu
But that’s another story.166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKgq5kMm7Q0
I see the Leavenworth sign up ahead and turn on my signal.166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJI2FPBQYRh
“I’m almost there, Blue,” I say. “I’m almost there.”166Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJBdwyKFiBs
~~~
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Interested in Keegan’s sexy brother Buick? He's got a searing story of his own that will start soon here on Penana! Be sure to follow me so you don't miss You Belong to Me. 😊
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