Doctors' offices have always made me immensely uncomfortable. You never get through immediately; there's always a fifteen minute and up waiting period.934Please respect copyright.PENANA8g9khhu5HS
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In that amount of time, someone as imaginative as myself can think a vast number of ways in which something could be severely wrong with me, because you're never at the doctor if you're alright.934Please respect copyright.PENANAEOm2JGdp1a
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Today, however, I'm at the doctor's office and I'm almost sure that there's nothing physically wrong with me.934Please respect copyright.PENANA7DAPzFNt2R
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It's what's inside of me that's the problem.934Please respect copyright.PENANAgki7GPZm3T
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You see, I made the brilliant decision to have unprotected sex, which has landed me here, in a doctor's office, wanting to "make sure" that I'm actually pregnant, as if three positive pregnancy tests aren't proof enough. 934Please respect copyright.PENANA3Rvm2aYVSR
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Despite the knowledge that it is highly unlikely that I am not pregnant, I still hope; and with that hope comes nervousness.934Please respect copyright.PENANAO7fsCmdg1k
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My palms are clammy and I'm constantly alternating between bouncing my knees and tapping my feet against the tiled floor. The receptionist is looking at me with a concerned expression, as if expecting me to have a full blown panic attack, and to be honest, I'm somewhere pretty near to that.934Please respect copyright.PENANAh4TnmUr6hH
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In an attempt to calm myself, I pull out my phone and play Candy Crush. It doesn't help. 934Please respect copyright.PENANAdPYz13GlOZ
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I plug in my earphones and try to listen to some music, but after two minutes, I realise that I don't even know what the hell I'm listening to; it could be classical music, or rap music. I wouldn't know.934Please respect copyright.PENANAU6gxO92sc7
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I rip out the earbuds in frustration, and lean back in my chair, closing my eyes.934Please respect copyright.PENANAbuab0X7M1L
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"Miss, would you like some water?" the receptionist asks, startling me.934Please respect copyright.PENANAlavucv0dxY
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In my fit of irritation, I forgot that she was there.934Please respect copyright.PENANAatwF95aIB6
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"Yes, thank you," I reply in what I hope is a calm voice, but even to my own ears, it sounds harsh.934Please respect copyright.PENANAboxUieceSU
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She dips below the desk and comes back up with a small unopened bottle of water.934Please respect copyright.PENANAYOKJqqVjpJ
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"Thank you," I say to her, as she passes me the bottle.934Please respect copyright.PENANAts0cNIQymT
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"You're welcome," is her reply. She looks as if she wants to say more, but she's cut off by the ringing of her phone.934Please respect copyright.PENANAdyrQHQ2IMp
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She picks it up, and has the briefest of conversations, before saying, "Dr.Davidson is ready to see you now.934Please respect copyright.PENANAXu4aa08asu
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*•*•*•*934Please respect copyright.PENANAFvrE9j9n1H
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I'm shaking like a colt trying to walk for the first time.934Please respect copyright.PENANAxD5gajM8WX
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"Sit," the doctor insists, pretending not to notice my nervousness.934Please respect copyright.PENANAowe0wvZSdv
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"So, tell me exactly what's going on," he says, looking me in the face.934Please respect copyright.PENANAm5bSx2vHJh
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"I fucked without a condom, and now I think I'm pregnant."934Please respect copyright.PENANAdBv3m44T4A
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"Okay," he replies, completely unfazed by my bluntness. "Lets find out," he says, sounding like Dora the Explorer.934Please respect copyright.PENANAKdCB2263LI
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And for some reason, on some level, I don't want to explore this, because it feels as if not investing it will make the problem sublime and diffuse, but I know it won't.934Please respect copyright.PENANAgsb8fOM5J2
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"Put this on, and change," the doctor tells me, handing me the gown that patients use to cover themselves.934Please respect copyright.PENANAH0ddSUglie
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He does an overall examination before the test, but to be honest, I'm not there; I tell him "no" when he asks if I'm experiencing pain during the breast and pelvic examinations, but apart from that, I'm gone.934Please respect copyright.PENANA9MvHyWVn2e
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"Okay. It's too early to see the baby doing an external ultrasound, so I'm going to have to do a trans-vaginal ultrasound."934Please respect copyright.PENANA4XrUzaMOuo
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All I hear is the word "ultrasound"; my heart beat skyrockets.934Please respect copyright.PENANAH5kxAiMWLc
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He must be misreading my expression, because he suddenly try's to reassure me.934Please respect copyright.PENANAUSwXoz3SYz
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"It won't be painful—"934Please respect copyright.PENANAuBsgn4shbg
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"That's not it. I don't want a baby,"934Please respect copyright.PENANA1FBZSe1sKL
I reply, and god does it feel good to finally say those words out loud to someone.934Please respect copyright.PENANAkVYwIKQKoW
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I've thought them many times, but there's this sense of release that comes with saying it out loud, like taking a shit after holding it in for an entire day (if you're one of those people who finds shitting in public to be absolutely terrifying, such as yours truly).934Please respect copyright.PENANAT9hHCjOfrk
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He gives me a sympathetic look, but says nothing, and for that I'm grateful.934Please respect copyright.PENANApyM9xMItnN
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What would he say? 'It's okay'? 'You'll be a great mother'? 934Please respect copyright.PENANAJn3Mkk9btF
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I hate it when people know absolutely nothing about you, but suddenly become your personal counsellor once they hear a sentence of your life. If I were the kind of person to divulge my personal information and feelings, then maybe, I'd take their advice, but since you they nothing about me, it's just annoying.934Please respect copyright.PENANAtLzAzHhY8b
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He's talking to me now, preparing for the ultrasound and telling me what will happen, but I can't concentrate on what he's saying.934Please respect copyright.PENANAeO3izcSCqj
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However, as I feel the cold probe enter me, it feels so... final. Like the final nail to my coffin.934Please respect copyright.PENANALQfofjwQXT
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This is it.934Please respect copyright.PENANABSwJreiXXR
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He turns off the light so that he can see the image on the ultrasound screen, and that screen is now the only major source of light in the room, begging to be looked at, but I can't do it.934Please respect copyright.PENANATpVfgSBYNs
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"Well..." Dr. Davidson says, sounding surprised, but not in a good way.934Please respect copyright.PENANAlc2Am2rhDT
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I start to shake, trembling so hard that the paper covering the cot on which I am laying begins to rattle loudly.934Please respect copyright.PENANApYEfIipN1M
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"Miss Quinn, the good news is, you're not pregnant", he says.934Please respect copyright.PENANAxMjw9PbE5G
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I freeze.934Please respect copyright.PENANAj9ujR5XOaH
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Then I breathe.934Please respect copyright.PENANAvo8lJPnXqa
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I let out a loud breath of relief, as relief is my automatic response to hearing something like that in a situation like this.934Please respect copyright.PENANAfgEAoEt4iZ
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However, as soon as that breath is released, I 934Please respect copyright.PENANAMObhCYp45o
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1) remember that Dr. Davidson seems unpleasantly surprised, 934Please respect copyright.PENANAzRRStONqVY
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2) realise that he said "the good news is"; that means that there's bad news, too, and934Please respect copyright.PENANAbAObHw7O2c
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3)realise that he is still inspecting my insides with the probe, frowning at the screen.934Please respect copyright.PENANA5p3OLC1cRm
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Something isn't right.934Please respect copyright.PENANA60jb61Iloz
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"Dr. Davidson, what's wrong?" I ask, sounding like a nervous wreck all over again.934Please respect copyright.PENANACjEMudMoit
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He continues to look at the screen, and I can see that he knows exactly what is wrong with me; it's just one of those moments in which you try to figure out how to phrase something in the best way possible so as to lessen the blow.934Please respect copyright.PENANACLeFJiaUUk
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He sighs, and pulls the probe out, then switches off the machine.934Please respect copyright.PENANAHHCBJ89iX9
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"Your condition is in no way life-threatening, Miss Quinn," he states, it might just cause complications in the future."934Please respect copyright.PENANAkz8D8ntMeR
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"Do you mind telling me what my condition is, before I shit myself?" I snarl as he turns on the light and hands me a wad of tissue paper.934Please respect copyright.PENANADDu7tCx7KB
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His lips twitch. 934Please respect copyright.PENANAKT3xWMjRet
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"You've been nothing but nervous since you stepped into my office. I said that so that you wouldn't shit yourself."934Please respect copyright.PENANAXlXHN7MrTg
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Through my nervousness I have to smile at him.934Please respect copyright.PENANAudEP1Miki4
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"Okay so what do I have?"934Please respect copyright.PENANAj2NB9rPMok
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"Miss Quinn, you have fibroids."934Please respect copyright.PENANAo9vGSw9ZTH
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