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My wife and I were going through a divorce so I went over to the house trying to sort our joint possessions.
"Okay, sweetheart, since the court awarded you the house and the barn. We have six lawn chairs and I'm taking half of them." 501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2agsIty2gz
Also, some of the folding tables, "I'm taking my tools, and the loveseat. Cuz, I sure don't want anybody making love to you on my love seat!"501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtCJ513mBTI
(I look around for more things, we lived on a farm and had some barnyard animals.)501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYgmkNV87wH
"Let's see, I need at least 50 head of cows, 15 horses, oh, and around 30 chickens and ducks."501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGByv7yGY98
Hmm... 501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNhBDJe2KkE
Oh yeah, and my dog Rex of course. "Here boy, come over here you mutt, you mangy critter..." Okay, I need the dog house and the 50 lb bag of dog food. 501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCGTe57EZem
Yeah, the divorce court ordered that I get half of the heavy farming equipment. 501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN0PiZV7Bye
"You can have have all the adult toys."501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRMcf2CEIDM
Except for the pecker enhancer!501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIH7RvJowHa
"That's all I need..."501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgCZMpBSZ5A
"Wait!"501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3PXc2Hr4Ji
I glance at my wife's body "Didn't I buy those boobies?" She said, "Well honey, yes you did." What about it?501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKBf6EXstJ2
I said, "Sarah, I brought them big boobies, you can't have them!" 501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjxq84bz20g
Sarah said, "Keith, what's wrong with you, are you crazy!" 501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3obyD0Xkdn
(Still staring at her, I notice a dragon tatoo under her tight, revealing shorts)501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFLI4bGSWMq
"Hold on, wait, one dawg gone minute!"501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5938UG7PPT
"Didn't I pay for that tattoo on your butt?"501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ25tXkoBaVf
That cost me $100!
Sarah said, "Yes, so what!" What you're going to do about it Jack!501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJkATuIaAWX
Keith said, "My name ain't Jack, Missy!" And what about your $3000 butt injections?501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlynaFYP3bN
"Sarah, I'm still paying for that big booty. Nobody can touch that booty until it's paid off!"
Orders are, nobody can see the great booty, Not nobody, not no how!501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhExROrVphc
"Um...Keith? Said Sarah, you are quoting 501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2I3Vj3ZPpF
'The Wizard Of Oz.'
I know that I yelled,
but I can't get no satisfaction. I can't get no satisfaction. "Cause I try, and I try, and I try, and I try." I can't get no, oh no, no, no...501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ88UsdnPRSK
Ah, hey, hey, hey, that's what I say...501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcTnkrlRobm
"Keith?" Now you're quoting, 'The Rolling Stones.' "How come when you're angry you501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOzygVthOTQ
quote everybody?"
I know that Sarah but I need compensation! Let's see, the breast implants were $5,000.501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIddjygnLZG
Plus, umm... an additional $3000 for the butt injections and the $100 dollar Dragon tatoo.501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPyxHvGKpsG
"Oh, and that thousand pack of 'Now and Later' candy!"501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡumEdjGVcxv
(Sarah laughs)501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUMyiwojdYv
Keith, that line is from the movie, "The Cook Out."501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg3nqamT2L5
"Gosh Darn!"501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF3fGfjvnyA
Woman, you owe me over $8,000 cash money on the line...501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQxCTaCNmRL
Sarah exclaimed, "Well don't hold your breath cuz I ain't paying you nothing Jack!" "Honey, I said, quit calling me Jack. Is that your new boyfriend's name?" 501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTBQRhxtu3v
Sarah, "Yeah, and he's hung like a mule!" No, like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. And I don't have to hunt in the dark for his pecker. (Sarah snickers)501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRU3KWxOmGI
Keith, "Oh yeah, I bet when you're making love and he's going down, he can hear his own voice echo!"501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp9SiECFDTf
Hello~hello~hello~hello...
Hah! 501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU30VAgAwd4
Sarah, crieds, "Okay, now that's hitting below the belt."501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhJNGAAv5yd
You know you love my love thing! But Keith, you are a boring lover. 501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuWxRNRGtbs
That's how I fell into the arms of another lover. Do you recall when I said, "Give it to me! Give it to me!" I yelled. "I'm so wet and hot, give it to me now!" And you gave me an umbrella.501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGCNOZYcH10
Keith, "Okay, I see you got jokes honey...501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX2keA9LDQ5
Here's one, "What makes a pecker and Rubik's Cube similar?"501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡchALim12E8
(Sarah says what)501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVHsB98HjHf
"The more you play with it, the harder it gets."501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4MJAjJbHRZ
(he laughs and Sarah winks)501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPrt9eZGoQi
Sarah, "Hey, I got one, 501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvD7aXGwkvf
"A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about fifteen minutes, the tired man finally gets up and says,
"Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" 501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxdwEhkeuSY
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUwzlWOnrUW
(Keith laughs hard)501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2BO3HYROFc
"Okay, that was pretty good honey." Keith says, "But, hey I got a bunch of them!"501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcj0HvAJL5u
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡft5Ll5WqUK
(Sarah giggles, Keith is on a roll)501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2SQLIZFp0n
Honey,501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd9CXdBUQWE
"Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? 501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAqC1iitq6E
Sarah grins, "Okay, I give up." Who?501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSi9YNaDOjU
The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts on his weiner!501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ67jbYIMWVV
(Sarah giggles, slapping her thigh)501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqmk251Bpf3
Keith says,501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOJ3ST48Fbi
"What do a woman and a bar have in common?501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCwzIzcfx1x
Liquor in the front, poker in the back."501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvdO08I8j2b
(Sarah laughs, smiles and then gives Keith a big hug)501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbcCeeCoRU9
Keith, "Aww, Sarah, you know I still love you and you'll always be my best friend. Just forget about the $8000. 501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKP469T5rjM
Keith's wife, Sarah, had always been both amused and exasperated by his constant jokes. Every morning, as she sipped her coffee, Keith would appear grinning with a mischievous smile and say, "What do you call a cow with no legs?"501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQKZpJVZNrj
"Ground beef!"501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCqjYB2Qct2
Sarah would roll her eyes and chuckle, unable to resist her husband's infectious laughter.501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqiHQmJizu8
Their children, Lily and Max, inherited their father's sense of humor. They would eagerly gather around him, waiting for his daily dose of laughter. 501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBmOOnD1q1I
Keith would gather them close and say, "What do lawyers wear to court?" 501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDyoKVzRjZ8
Lawsuits.501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHFgzySPHtI
Lily and Max would burst into fits of giggles, just begging for more jokes until their sides hurt.501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH3D5ECG1mm
Keith's friends knew him as the 501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAwlH5QmhuS
Clown Jester of Bakersville.501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxvfY4Fnurb
Whenever they needed a good laugh, they would seek him out. One evening, during a gathering at their favorite local pub, Keith got up and proclaimed, 501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK6Knwrg1Os
"Why did the scarecrow always win an award?"501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIGKQfwwrQX
Because he was so outstanding in his field!501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHJZQ5ckAtn
The entire pub erupted with laughter, and he basked in the joy of making others smile.501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7WqinZiW9W
His love for jokes extended beyond his family and friends. Keith would seize any golden opportunity to entertain unsuspecting strangers.501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbyfbTJoJxt
While waiting in line at the grocery store, he would strike up conversations with fellow shoppers and unleash a pun-filled tirade. 501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmCdhfDL2q8
The cashiers, at first dreading the line of customers Keith held up, would eventually find themselves laughing along with the rest of the store.501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1DGgcEqKkA
Keith's reputation as the "Jokester Extraordinaire"501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlaSa8orcRw
Spread throughout Bakersville. People began inviting him to events just to ensure a fun-filled atmosphere.501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvN2sYWdft0
Whether it was just a birthday party, or community gathering, even a solemn occasion. Keith's corny jokes managed to uplift everyone's spirits.501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBSooe29tin
One day, the Mayor of Bakersville decided to organize a grand comedy festival. Of course, Keith was naturally the first person he invited to perform. The festival was a great, riotous success, with the entire town doubled over with laughter. 501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJelWGgHKmP
Keith took center stage, he was telling joke after joke, pun after pun, and the crowd couldn't get enough. It was a night of sheer hilarity, leaving everyone in stitches.501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr0Tk0d7oPc
His wife, Sarah, was used to his jokes by now. 501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡILrejhlQT2
Having heard them all before, many times.501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnCWXIjLmt5
She would just smile politely and laugh occasionally, but normally she would roll her eyes and shake her head. She loved Keith, but sometimes she wished he would tone down his jokes a bit.
His children, Lilly and Max, were also familiar with his jokes. They had grown up listening to them every day. They would sometimes laugh at his jokes, but mostly they would groan and cringe. They loved Keith, but sometimes they wished he would stop embarrassing them with his jokes.501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwJ6s5fdyXJ
His friends, Mike and Tom, were also aware of his jokes. They had known him since college and had endured his jokes for years. They would sometimes chuckle at his jokes, but mostly they would ignore them or change the subject. 501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCwS4B1A0Xm
They liked Keith, but sometimes they wished he would be a little more serious with his jokes.501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvPfS9T0FcQ
But Keith didn't care what anyone thought of his jokes. He loved telling them and he thought they were hilarious. 501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsSu0XIiGd7
He believed that laughter was the best medicine and that everyone needed a good joke to brighten their day. He never missed an opportunity to crack a joke, no matter how corny or inappropriate it was.501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq3bcAXlxci
One day, Keith decided to go to a comedy club for a night out. He had always wanted to try stand-up comedy and he thought he had what it took to make people laugh. He signed up for an open mic night and prepared some of his best jokes.501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo1LTGVBAxW
He arrived at the comedy club and was greeted by the host.501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTGufFV4ni4
"Hi, I'm here for the open mic night," Keith said.501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfcy9uIo0JR
"Sure, just write your name on this list and wait for your turn," the host said.501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMEYPxj6tYO
Keith wrote down his name and looked at the list. He saw that there were about ten other comedians before him.501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIviKMq0izr
He walked over to the bar and ordered a drink. He sipped it slowly and watched the other comedians perform.501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCFviBryRLY
He saw some of them get laughs, others get boos and some silence.501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQLs4Xr7S4Z
He rehearsed his jokes in his head and smiled to himself.501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuRKbJi8lGD
(When he got on stage he said)
Hello people, I'm Keith, and I hope to entertain you tonight. "How many of you like to help people, said Keith?"
(The audience clapped)501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUqStrwZrfj
Keith: "Well I do too, I walked into my bank today and an old lady asked me to help check her balance."
So I pushed her over!501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDLyLJ7xsv5
(audience chuckles)501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLV8vfJQu1D
Keith: "Yeah, three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf."501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZupET4Yj4J
I haven't heard from him since.501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmAVA2lODQf
Keith: (feeling the crowd) "My wife says I'm getting fatter, but in my defence, I've had a lot on my plate recently."501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtiyECMD8QH
"Hey people, my dog is a genius... I asked him what is two minus two, and he said nothing.501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW0elC8xtoj
(audience laughing)501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkuh8fOjlbS
Keith: "You know the other day, my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I accidentally passed her the glue stick." 501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTUlYcHwnRJ
She still isn't talking to me.501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdeEu4if9hX
(Keith smiles)501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0PEp0xXtgB
Keith: "Just the other day I stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and the guy says: 'Well, Once upon a time there was a lobster...'501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ67tL0MoULI
Keith: "Yeah, some people can be so uptight you know, my female neighbor always suntans topless, my wife is quite against it, 501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsGJCtjcxvd
but I am on the fence!501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf6znfdJ3QT
(audience laughing hard)501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhpUt4anFLY
[He gets on a roll]501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ55ZyrrGdKe
"Hey, I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes." 501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMsDbCMyEoR
She gave me a hug!501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2clZ0mDTZt
"Yeah folks, today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face."
"My parents are the worst."501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH9R12k2MnP
Hey!501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ06hNJCZTVO
What is the worst combination of illnesses?501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrobyjbnJY3
"Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where."501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeg7FerVBfI
You know what? My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
"Guess who came crawling back?"501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4pXxbkOI4d
For you gals out there, "What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?"501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl4IqLBrXLm
They just give you a bra and say,
"Here, fill this out."501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCUPpvLNAwr
How do you get a squirrel to like you?501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUspDSsCsvl
Act like a nut.501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvrRF3no5Rf
My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7KRHdQFbU4
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdxqPvF7GkM
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwEGHSNTkdt
I went to a psychic the other day and knocked on her front door. She yelled: 'Who is it?' 501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzbdvHXOv81
So I Left.501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5zOPQRHm8S
People, I was in a casino yesterday and a couple of cows were smoking weed and playing poker.501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6PviA8ck4p
"The steaks were pretty high!"501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5DFTfcYZyb
"Well, that's all I have for you tonight ladies and I hope gentlemen."501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZsK7Q5tY3Z
Goodnight!"501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJMHwlYzUJf
(Dave exited the stage to thunderous applause)501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb74kTteuiw
He went home happier501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU4cOY42GxD
than he ever
Dreamed!501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuOZDgdPdqK
501Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlkwMEheP4A
© Charles Kemp
ns216.73.216.6da2
