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My wife and I were going through a divorce so I went over to the house trying to sort our joint possessions.
"Okay, sweetheart, since the court awarded you the house and the barn. We have six lawn chairs and I'm taking half of them." 472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡof3zxL98XG
Also, some of the folding tables, "I'm taking my tools, and the loveseat. Cuz, I sure don't want anybody making love to you on my love seat!"472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡETcsP7d6jW
(I look around for more things, we lived on a farm and had some barnyard animals.)472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH7B7Ul8cMg
"Let's see, I need at least 50 head of cows, 15 horses, oh, and around 30 chickens and ducks."472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNKNHHUyZHm
Hmm... 472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1VXBTlZIz0
Oh yeah, and my dog Rex of course. "Here boy, come over here you mutt, you mangy critter..." Okay, I need the dog house and the 50 lb bag of dog food. 472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ01toHcRzR6
Yeah, the divorce court ordered that I get half of the heavy farming equipment. 472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3ShhqcMy7v
"You can have have all the adult toys."472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqE7Igq34Sd
Except for the pecker enhancer!472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5x5NRAmkUi
"That's all I need..."472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdOBquJkE8d
"Wait!"472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWFjzCvJP3X
I glance at my wife's body "Didn't I buy those boobies?" She said, "Well honey, yes you did." What about it?472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxMf5cOFfY9
I said, "Sarah, I brought them big boobies, you can't have them!" 472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC2zZZKMT0S
Sarah said, "Keith, what's wrong with you, are you crazy!" 472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqAg4SDeBv0
(Still staring at her, I notice a dragon tatoo under her tight, revealing shorts)472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ6zRHYhtth
"Hold on, wait, one dawg gone minute!"472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPjGvhSTQUS
"Didn't I pay for that tattoo on your butt?"472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2c0gZePaCv
That cost me $100!
Sarah said, "Yes, so what!" What you're going to do about it Jack!472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhjLGAK4rKu
Keith said, "My name ain't Jack, Missy!" And what about your $3000 butt injections?472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ76Gw54DHHA
"Sarah, I'm still paying for that big booty. Nobody can touch that booty until it's paid off!"
Orders are, nobody can see the great booty, Not nobody, not no how!472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0GxkghyJHe
"Um...Keith? Said Sarah, you are quoting 472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3ETOVWcNSs
'The Wizard Of Oz.'
I know that I yelled,
but I can't get no satisfaction. I can't get no satisfaction. "Cause I try, and I try, and I try, and I try." I can't get no, oh no, no, no...472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEEPZyrvLfK
Ah, hey, hey, hey, that's what I say...472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvLFMxnBFk8
"Keith?" Now you're quoting, 'The Rolling Stones.' "How come when you're angry you472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJnaVzBnoYi
quote everybody?"
I know that Sarah but I need compensation! Let's see, the breast implants were $5,000.472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXf94HiVzH4
Plus, umm... an additional $3000 for the butt injections and the $100 dollar Dragon tatoo.472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqJQ5JbV2OX
"Oh, and that thousand pack of 'Now and Later' candy!"472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmJvYsm3agB
(Sarah laughs)472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKoZUCpe5qD
Keith, that line is from the movie, "The Cook Out."472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpI3UKpZdse
"Gosh Darn!"472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv9SoivCE9V
Woman, you owe me over $8,000 cash money on the line...472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL32KA3sjpK
Sarah exclaimed, "Well don't hold your breath cuz I ain't paying you nothing Jack!" "Honey, I said, quit calling me Jack. Is that your new boyfriend's name?" 472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8VwTKcNsEr
Sarah, "Yeah, and he's hung like a mule!" No, like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. And I don't have to hunt in the dark for his pecker. (Sarah snickers)472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZaDvVTNV0O
Keith, "Oh yeah, I bet when you're making love and he's going down, he can hear his own voice echo!"472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQic7besbdN
Hello~hello~hello~hello...
Hah! 472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFnrEmojj25
Sarah, crieds, "Okay, now that's hitting below the belt."472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlPXnNJ7STg
You know you love my love thing! But Keith, you are a boring lover. 472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoIYNpWZa8c
That's how I fell into the arms of another lover. Do you recall when I said, "Give it to me! Give it to me!" I yelled. "I'm so wet and hot, give it to me now!" And you gave me an umbrella.472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡolksnMZ0MP
Keith, "Okay, I see you got jokes honey...472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoCcTIMnUce
Here's one, "What makes a pecker and Rubik's Cube similar?"472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaXEfQCEJ00
(Sarah says what)472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb6nY6f2vjo
"The more you play with it, the harder it gets."472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ751n5oFiSo
(he laughs and Sarah winks)472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcmyJNEKDjY
Sarah, "Hey, I got one, 472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBMXEJnu3zX
"A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about fifteen minutes, the tired man finally gets up and says,
"Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" 472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY0EhK7wSqa
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTZvxz3OZLY
(Keith laughs hard)472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGUG5Bwb9Ae
"Okay, that was pretty good honey." Keith says, "But, hey I got a bunch of them!"472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAaQTC6gl9m
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaIDODBVnGL
(Sarah giggles, Keith is on a roll)472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwjNyYjVbpO
Honey,472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq16u3gfUmF
"Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? 472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwy3GoZMkiO
Sarah grins, "Okay, I give up." Who?472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiNqVDJA6c9
The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts on his weiner!472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU3XUN7ihKi
(Sarah giggles, slapping her thigh)472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDnP29TBFwL
Keith says,472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRb7cLBwYDi
"What do a woman and a bar have in common?472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF46YDdkYtk
Liquor in the front, poker in the back."472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx3RFXkOkWI
(Sarah laughs, smiles and then gives Keith a big hug)472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBbgzRdOzUR
Keith, "Aww, Sarah, you know I still love you and you'll always be my best friend. Just forget about the $8000. 472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ12eurs3mqx
Keith's wife, Sarah, had always been both amused and exasperated by his constant jokes. Every morning, as she sipped her coffee, Keith would appear grinning with a mischievous smile and say, "What do you call a cow with no legs?"472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnzbrT80VAp
"Ground beef!"472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfHXrIWAh9c
Sarah would roll her eyes and chuckle, unable to resist her husband's infectious laughter.472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxJhWbsacQ6
Their children, Lily and Max, inherited their father's sense of humor. They would eagerly gather around him, waiting for his daily dose of laughter. 472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoQzH7Diq0d
Keith would gather them close and say, "What do lawyers wear to court?" 472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4C9IqaESSS
Lawsuits.472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRK0cMFtdrH
Lily and Max would burst into fits of giggles, just begging for more jokes until their sides hurt.472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPJk32Jhm7i
Keith's friends knew him as the 472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg9AeNspkYl
Clown Jester of Bakersville.472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFRwuEbVQdX
Whenever they needed a good laugh, they would seek him out. One evening, during a gathering at their favorite local pub, Keith got up and proclaimed, 472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4Ig8UVKFTJ
"Why did the scarecrow always win an award?"472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTDdkfHJi6D
Because he was so outstanding in his field!472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoddnBW79BB
The entire pub erupted with laughter, and he basked in the joy of making others smile.472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU62bpHXEPc
His love for jokes extended beyond his family and friends. Keith would seize any golden opportunity to entertain unsuspecting strangers.472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzTd45Rau4n
While waiting in line at the grocery store, he would strike up conversations with fellow shoppers and unleash a pun-filled tirade. 472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIjw12pa4Pr
The cashiers, at first dreading the line of customers Keith held up, would eventually find themselves laughing along with the rest of the store.472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqloZ0Svdr3
Keith's reputation as the "Jokester Extraordinaire"472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLmIjeRCNPY
Spread throughout Bakersville. People began inviting him to events just to ensure a fun-filled atmosphere.472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl7LqWny2Wk
Whether it was just a birthday party, or community gathering, even a solemn occasion. Keith's corny jokes managed to uplift everyone's spirits.472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhlvTMm5SEC
One day, the Mayor of Bakersville decided to organize a grand comedy festival. Of course, Keith was naturally the first person he invited to perform. The festival was a great, riotous success, with the entire town doubled over with laughter. 472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJUX43HGZ8g
Keith took center stage, he was telling joke after joke, pun after pun, and the crowd couldn't get enough. It was a night of sheer hilarity, leaving everyone in stitches.472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMaeAbrwauZ
His wife, Sarah, was used to his jokes by now. 472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ3dZBpceQc
Having heard them all before, many times.472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ32UpmfHwql
She would just smile politely and laugh occasionally, but normally she would roll her eyes and shake her head. She loved Keith, but sometimes she wished he would tone down his jokes a bit.
His children, Lilly and Max, were also familiar with his jokes. They had grown up listening to them every day. They would sometimes laugh at his jokes, but mostly they would groan and cringe. They loved Keith, but sometimes they wished he would stop embarrassing them with his jokes.472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrUEQosgGpQ
His friends, Mike and Tom, were also aware of his jokes. They had known him since college and had endured his jokes for years. They would sometimes chuckle at his jokes, but mostly they would ignore them or change the subject. 472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBLAE2qaokE
They liked Keith, but sometimes they wished he would be a little more serious with his jokes.472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxyLKZztO3Z
But Keith didn't care what anyone thought of his jokes. He loved telling them and he thought they were hilarious. 472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdbdiBtgdlW
He believed that laughter was the best medicine and that everyone needed a good joke to brighten their day. He never missed an opportunity to crack a joke, no matter how corny or inappropriate it was.472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlm4gur8OPq
One day, Keith decided to go to a comedy club for a night out. He had always wanted to try stand-up comedy and he thought he had what it took to make people laugh. He signed up for an open mic night and prepared some of his best jokes.472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF6lB42WTna
He arrived at the comedy club and was greeted by the host.472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPcjX4bYL8z
"Hi, I'm here for the open mic night," Keith said.472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBUutlJLXds
"Sure, just write your name on this list and wait for your turn," the host said.472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPHEzPqrIbX
Keith wrote down his name and looked at the list. He saw that there were about ten other comedians before him.472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1bZ1hVEDfU
He walked over to the bar and ordered a drink. He sipped it slowly and watched the other comedians perform.472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHHxo8fgp38
He saw some of them get laughs, others get boos and some silence.472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPhnG9iYdLy
He rehearsed his jokes in his head and smiled to himself.472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtZe2qsz1sc
(When he got on stage he said)
Hello people, I'm Keith, and I hope to entertain you tonight. "How many of you like to help people, said Keith?"
(The audience clapped)472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIk6U7jZEDH
Keith: "Well I do too, I walked into my bank today and an old lady asked me to help check her balance."
So I pushed her over!472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgN8zaYUguf
(audience chuckles)472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡekudEf2WA3
Keith: "Yeah, three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf."472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSKdAHNbe9w
I haven't heard from him since.472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTOeUVVtcNW
Keith: (feeling the crowd) "My wife says I'm getting fatter, but in my defence, I've had a lot on my plate recently."472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHjtKPlH4pG
"Hey people, my dog is a genius... I asked him what is two minus two, and he said nothing.472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7GaiaiFOqH
(audience laughing)472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKvF6IIyam9
Keith: "You know the other day, my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I accidentally passed her the glue stick." 472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0cX977W9oi
She still isn't talking to me.472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6KZVQaS4XM
(Keith smiles)472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9lqbuFdnT9
Keith: "Just the other day I stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and the guy says: 'Well, Once upon a time there was a lobster...'472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsR02rv8voN
Keith: "Yeah, some people can be so uptight you know, my female neighbor always suntans topless, my wife is quite against it, 472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdAIBlO8UfN
but I am on the fence!472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKMr3FEJAy5
(audience laughing hard)472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6LHVJPPCHH
[He gets on a roll]472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwKSwhaqMwF
"Hey, I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes." 472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9HKZOK9KzY
She gave me a hug!472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJMT6rSCtvm
"Yeah folks, today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face."
"My parents are the worst."472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPkiYyIL28A
Hey!472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPBacOwIPoC
What is the worst combination of illnesses?472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQDbbSGx1Gg
"Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where."472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU0KbuxXDyZ
You know what? My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
"Guess who came crawling back?"472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2PCVQveT0E
For you gals out there, "What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?"472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWfm5Upy5sb
They just give you a bra and say,
"Here, fill this out."472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN4JYgrKVhA
How do you get a squirrel to like you?472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG0kFXoAuSm
Act like a nut.472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHH9KGI2d9l
My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy7mCHTqUxU
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡST01xFgjjS
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPm4VXSYzc3
I went to a psychic the other day and knocked on her front door. She yelled: 'Who is it?' 472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgclEFtAsWp
So I Left.472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTwrq4docuO
People, I was in a casino yesterday and a couple of cows were smoking weed and playing poker.472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9WstGbpJG6
"The steaks were pretty high!"472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGDtanwZFEI
"Well, that's all I have for you tonight ladies and I hope gentlemen."472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0NXLIvCX17
Goodnight!"472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsn06hAJLAp
(Dave exited the stage to thunderous applause)472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFgYgNaFuaf
He went home happier472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtLkokUUZ79
than he ever
Dreamed!472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡooDXbkj1SM
472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVR3l6x0UtZ
© Charles Kemp
ns216.73.216.197da2
