My wife and I were going through a divorce so I went over to the house trying to sort our joint possessions.
"Okay, sweetheart, since the court awarded you the house and the barn. We have six lawn chairs and I'm taking half of them." 152Please respect copyright.PENANAJelDIoIsxT
Also, some of the folding tables, "I'm taking my tools, and the loveseat. Cuz, I sure don't want anybody making love to you on my love seat!"152Please respect copyright.PENANAVXVmSm2TQN
(I look around for more things, we lived on a farm and had some barnyard animals.)152Please respect copyright.PENANAmqyPHtkVfr
"Let's see, I need at least 50 head of cows, 15 horses, oh, and around 30 chickens and ducks."152Please respect copyright.PENANA0SYAIwNtnL
Hmm... 152Please respect copyright.PENANAozXyyGG71Y
Oh yeah, and my dog Rex of course. "Here boy, come over here you mutt, you mangy critter..." Okay, I need the dog house and the 50 lb bag of dog food. 152Please respect copyright.PENANAcSHlzNjnAs
Yeah, the divorce court ordered that I get half of the heavy farming equipment. 152Please respect copyright.PENANAwQMXFFlJ3U
"You can have have all the adult toys."152Please respect copyright.PENANASASYBZfD0j
Except for the pecker enhancer!152Please respect copyright.PENANA1cYmPkZL9w
"That's all I need..."152Please respect copyright.PENANABGZZPIsccC
"Wait!"152Please respect copyright.PENANAjIl1CzfVId
I glance at my wife's body "Didn't I buy those boobies?" She said, "Well honey, yes you did." What about it?152Please respect copyright.PENANAqxQxKTRwhZ
I said, "Sarah, I brought them big boobies, you can't have them!" 152Please respect copyright.PENANAqUF1awbOlU
Sarah said, "Keith, what's wrong with you, are you crazy!" 152Please respect copyright.PENANA4txYPMe1fk
(Still staring at her, I notice a dragon tatoo under her tight, revealing shorts)152Please respect copyright.PENANAffxKRotiTH
"Hold on, wait, one dawg gone minute!"152Please respect copyright.PENANAitDH15rbMt
"Didn't I pay for that tattoo on your butt?"152Please respect copyright.PENANABgQoa8Z75p
That cost me $100!
Sarah said, "Yes, so what!" What you're going to do about it Jack!152Please respect copyright.PENANA8igU5uzhIZ
Keith said, "My name ain't Jack, Missy!" And what about your $3000 butt injections?152Please respect copyright.PENANA5EcZKRa1si
"Sarah, I'm still paying for that big booty. Nobody can touch that booty until it's paid off!"
Orders are, nobody can see the great booty, Not nobody, not no how!152Please respect copyright.PENANAJNzvDTKc7n
"Um...Keith? Said Sarah, you are quoting 152Please respect copyright.PENANAK50tb3eviN
'The Wizard Of Oz.'
I know that I yelled,
but I can't get no satisfaction. I can't get no satisfaction. "Cause I try, and I try, and I try, and I try." I can't get no, oh no, no, no...152Please respect copyright.PENANAcPaX4LgBxY
Ah, hey, hey, hey, that's what I say...152Please respect copyright.PENANALgnzDJJWmB
"Keith?" Now you're quoting, 'The Rolling Stones.' "How come when you're angry you152Please respect copyright.PENANAAhwn92fSQx
quote everybody?"
I know that Sarah but I need compensation! Let's see, the breast implants were $5,000.152Please respect copyright.PENANAScElBU17pE
Plus, umm... an additional $3000 for the butt injections and the $100 dollar Dragon tatoo.152Please respect copyright.PENANA3hK9O14zOf
"Oh, and that thousand pack of 'Now and Later' candy!"152Please respect copyright.PENANA22CvAsCsKp
(Sarah laughs)152Please respect copyright.PENANAK4FcUNrhCe
Keith, that line is from the movie, "The Cook Out."152Please respect copyright.PENANAVy45RP4Plx
"Gosh Darn!"152Please respect copyright.PENANAwSVq26GSCK
Woman, you owe me over $8,000 cash money on the line...152Please respect copyright.PENANA1PeXuR2n1O
Sarah exclaimed, "Well don't hold your breath cuz I ain't paying you nothing Jack!" "Honey, I said, quit calling me Jack. Is that your new boyfriend's name?" 152Please respect copyright.PENANA1j0WtSXRAN
Sarah, "Yeah, and he's hung like a mule!" No, like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. And I don't have to hunt in the dark for his pecker. (Sarah snickers)152Please respect copyright.PENANAmxc18lUWvS
Keith, "Oh yeah, I bet when you're making love and he's going down, he can hear his own voice echo!"152Please respect copyright.PENANAy7Kl92xXH1
Hello~hello~hello~hello...
Hah! 152Please respect copyright.PENANAmGE5auhF7A
Sarah, crieds, "Okay, now that's hitting below the belt."152Please respect copyright.PENANAZb4NZCIRI8
You know you love my love thing! But Keith, you are a boring lover. 152Please respect copyright.PENANAirGTYfCWJ4
That's how I fell into the arms of another lover. Do you recall when I said, "Give it to me! Give it to me!" I yelled. "I'm so wet and hot, give it to me now!" And you gave me an umbrella.152Please respect copyright.PENANAMuDLquiYPL
Keith, "Okay, I see you got jokes honey...152Please respect copyright.PENANAQaBq3LNaBO
Here's one, "What makes a pecker and Rubik's Cube similar?"152Please respect copyright.PENANA8t0KWSEwTk
(Sarah says what)152Please respect copyright.PENANAnj8HviXW2v
"The more you play with it, the harder it gets."152Please respect copyright.PENANAOrEQfJJP5l
(he laughs and Sarah winks)152Please respect copyright.PENANApSYOUUYAJL
Sarah, "Hey, I got one, 152Please respect copyright.PENANAfD5EJetOZr
"A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about fifteen minutes, the tired man finally gets up and says,
"Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" 152Please respect copyright.PENANApXZaVJa9TX
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"152Please respect copyright.PENANAKpeIihiSsG
(Keith laughs hard)152Please respect copyright.PENANAqVHdWaAzT1
"Okay, that was pretty good honey." Keith says, "But, hey I got a bunch of them!"152Please respect copyright.PENANAZ4C63A4uvJ
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.152Please respect copyright.PENANAf0deeCpv1y
(Sarah giggles, Keith is on a roll)152Please respect copyright.PENANA0Ac48jMS3o
Honey,152Please respect copyright.PENANAlDzUK6498w
"Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? 152Please respect copyright.PENANAQtBDCId7SD
Sarah grins, "Okay, I give up." Who?152Please respect copyright.PENANARtCQoTtfjK
The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts on his weiner!152Please respect copyright.PENANAYpDhLtb6mV
(Sarah giggles, slapping her thigh)152Please respect copyright.PENANASFNuzULquX
Keith says,152Please respect copyright.PENANAJ8Ehrgh8d8
"What do a woman and a bar have in common?152Please respect copyright.PENANAeDyxoi2XIl
Liquor in the front, poker in the back."152Please respect copyright.PENANA6eE6cAHuhE
(Sarah laughs, smiles and then gives Keith a big hug)152Please respect copyright.PENANAFQWx6RVJ9z
Keith, "Aww, Sarah, you know I still love you and you'll always be my best friend. Just forget about the $8000. 152Please respect copyright.PENANAXCdpBaP0iv
Keith's wife, Sarah, had always been both amused and exasperated by his constant jokes. Every morning, as she sipped her coffee, Keith would appear grinning with a mischievous smile and say, "What do you call a cow with no legs?"152Please respect copyright.PENANATOrydfxU9K
"Ground beef!"152Please respect copyright.PENANAB0c4345B0m
Sarah would roll her eyes and chuckle, unable to resist her husband's infectious laughter.152Please respect copyright.PENANAcyogpsObat
Their children, Lily and Max, inherited their father's sense of humor. They would eagerly gather around him, waiting for his daily dose of laughter. 152Please respect copyright.PENANAmDAzjfMa6u
Keith would gather them close and say, "What do lawyers wear to court?" 152Please respect copyright.PENANAmX5T9BGZeT
Lawsuits.152Please respect copyright.PENANA1mTZ8PMda9
Lily and Max would burst into fits of giggles, just begging for more jokes until their sides hurt.152Please respect copyright.PENANAoHTfU9PfJ4
Keith's friends knew him as the 152Please respect copyright.PENANANHlc4ydse2
Clown Jester of Bakersville.152Please respect copyright.PENANAR4ZrMoFH3Y
Whenever they needed a good laugh, they would seek him out. One evening, during a gathering at their favorite local pub, Keith got up and proclaimed, 152Please respect copyright.PENANAPYCmL4A1yD
"Why did the scarecrow always win an award?"152Please respect copyright.PENANANlFApFA7SP
Because he was so outstanding in his field!152Please respect copyright.PENANAjpV6FKyw9b
The entire pub erupted with laughter, and he basked in the joy of making others smile.152Please respect copyright.PENANAEhcb7T7xOO
His love for jokes extended beyond his family and friends. Keith would seize any golden opportunity to entertain unsuspecting strangers.152Please respect copyright.PENANAotDG8VviSt
While waiting in line at the grocery store, he would strike up conversations with fellow shoppers and unleash a pun-filled tirade. 152Please respect copyright.PENANAUr99yS34re
The cashiers, at first dreading the line of customers Keith held up, would eventually find themselves laughing along with the rest of the store.152Please respect copyright.PENANAWaXJURgGOG
Keith's reputation as the "Jokester Extraordinaire"152Please respect copyright.PENANAaBXBwBx0Lc
Spread throughout Bakersville. People began inviting him to events just to ensure a fun-filled atmosphere.152Please respect copyright.PENANAQ0Iy3Br2AE
Whether it was just a birthday party, or community gathering, even a solemn occasion. Keith's corny jokes managed to uplift everyone's spirits.152Please respect copyright.PENANAohXQTtbT0r
One day, the Mayor of Bakersville decided to organize a grand comedy festival. Of course, Keith was naturally the first person he invited to perform. The festival was a great, riotous success, with the entire town doubled over with laughter. 152Please respect copyright.PENANAvFN0vlzSCR
Keith took center stage, he was telling joke after joke, pun after pun, and the crowd couldn't get enough. It was a night of sheer hilarity, leaving everyone in stitches.152Please respect copyright.PENANAQ5j5hqYk1j
His wife, Sarah, was used to his jokes by now. 152Please respect copyright.PENANAZntYnFhzuY
Having heard them all before, many times.152Please respect copyright.PENANA9WA0uLK7hm
She would just smile politely and laugh occasionally, but normally she would roll her eyes and shake her head. She loved Keith, but sometimes she wished he would tone down his jokes a bit.
His children, Lilly and Max, were also familiar with his jokes. They had grown up listening to them every day. They would sometimes laugh at his jokes, but mostly they would groan and cringe. They loved Keith, but sometimes they wished he would stop embarrassing them with his jokes.152Please respect copyright.PENANAW8keS2bcdB
His friends, Mike and Tom, were also aware of his jokes. They had known him since college and had endured his jokes for years. They would sometimes chuckle at his jokes, but mostly they would ignore them or change the subject. 152Please respect copyright.PENANA82Xb2ECPfD
They liked Keith, but sometimes they wished he would be a little more serious with his jokes.152Please respect copyright.PENANAj4XEnUEoSH
But Keith didn't care what anyone thought of his jokes. He loved telling them and he thought they were hilarious. 152Please respect copyright.PENANAbkjxTAwjRp
He believed that laughter was the best medicine and that everyone needed a good joke to brighten their day. He never missed an opportunity to crack a joke, no matter how corny or inappropriate it was.152Please respect copyright.PENANAl5Z9INclcp
One day, Keith decided to go to a comedy club for a night out. He had always wanted to try stand-up comedy and he thought he had what it took to make people laugh. He signed up for an open mic night and prepared some of his best jokes.152Please respect copyright.PENANAnqcunYAKZN
He arrived at the comedy club and was greeted by the host.152Please respect copyright.PENANAE4UttArXKK
"Hi, I'm here for the open mic night," Keith said.152Please respect copyright.PENANAmvGe0QNs6l
"Sure, just write your name on this list and wait for your turn," the host said.152Please respect copyright.PENANAB9D3bFLV5K
Keith wrote down his name and looked at the list. He saw that there were about ten other comedians before him.152Please respect copyright.PENANACJ50DKgz9G
He walked over to the bar and ordered a drink. He sipped it slowly and watched the other comedians perform.152Please respect copyright.PENANAMJybZduvHu
He saw some of them get laughs, others get boos and some silence.152Please respect copyright.PENANAy27wkNvKmm
He rehearsed his jokes in his head and smiled to himself.152Please respect copyright.PENANAhED7aTq2Al
(When he got on stage he said)
Hello people, I'm Keith, and I hope to entertain you tonight. "How many of you like to help people, said Keith?"
(The audience clapped)152Please respect copyright.PENANAdJrTUQexeQ
Keith: "Well I do too, I walked into my bank today and an old lady asked me to help check her balance."
So I pushed her over!152Please respect copyright.PENANARiLtf0QSg3
(audience chuckles)152Please respect copyright.PENANA9lwkFIkTp9
Keith: "Yeah, three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf."152Please respect copyright.PENANAUBuLBesInk
I haven't heard from him since.152Please respect copyright.PENANAufnDbYmuOV
Keith: (feeling the crowd) "My wife says I'm getting fatter, but in my defence, I've had a lot on my plate recently."152Please respect copyright.PENANAgaxAIXgLO0
"Hey people, my dog is a genius... I asked him what is two minus two, and he said nothing.152Please respect copyright.PENANAKSQcjAmHAv
(audience laughing)152Please respect copyright.PENANALnr5JtaCuv
Keith: "You know the other day, my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I accidentally passed her the glue stick." 152Please respect copyright.PENANAxgi3JFOsEw
She still isn't talking to me.152Please respect copyright.PENANAqi1xaATQ6S
(Keith smiles)152Please respect copyright.PENANAGJ1LNAGaBz
Keith: "Just the other day I stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and the guy says: 'Well, Once upon a time there was a lobster...'152Please respect copyright.PENANANrYwyq067J
Keith: "Yeah, some people can be so uptight you know, my female neighbor always suntans topless, my wife is quite against it, 152Please respect copyright.PENANAfXnHlAEea8
but I am on the fence!152Please respect copyright.PENANAWlT7SeWn6O
(audience laughing hard)152Please respect copyright.PENANAIulYG8sdA1
[He gets on a roll]152Please respect copyright.PENANAsPQL1M4NSd
"Hey, I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes." 152Please respect copyright.PENANAema0oO0G7v
She gave me a hug!152Please respect copyright.PENANAzlQiLoQqAB
"Yeah folks, today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face."
"My parents are the worst."152Please respect copyright.PENANAKl6F3sxK4J
Hey!152Please respect copyright.PENANAVfp6D3uhRT
What is the worst combination of illnesses?152Please respect copyright.PENANAlcTchAFSbE
"Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where."152Please respect copyright.PENANAS3JO7C5L83
You know what? My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
"Guess who came crawling back?"152Please respect copyright.PENANAJpe49K6ahU
For you gals out there, "What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?"152Please respect copyright.PENANAoNaPxnFCuC
They just give you a bra and say,
"Here, fill this out."152Please respect copyright.PENANAB4K30LRUY0
How do you get a squirrel to like you?152Please respect copyright.PENANAmVEeF99Hhp
Act like a nut.152Please respect copyright.PENANA0aVab0txfY
My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.152Please respect copyright.PENANAPtX4WHOqQt
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.152Please respect copyright.PENANAzdO7EADG59
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.152Please respect copyright.PENANAApgi9ATSG8
I went to a psychic the other day and knocked on her front door. She yelled: 'Who is it?' 152Please respect copyright.PENANADNx8qDdRix
So I Left.152Please respect copyright.PENANAxpxd3vo7Da
People, I was in a casino yesterday and a couple of cows were smoking weed and playing poker.152Please respect copyright.PENANAGNnXpdoYMv
"The steaks were pretty high!"152Please respect copyright.PENANA1mYVFMPQwA
"Well, that's all I have for you tonight ladies and I hope gentlemen."152Please respect copyright.PENANA4nFY86Ia5U
Goodnight!"152Please respect copyright.PENANA5xFC9wC7eX
(Dave exited the stage to thunderous applause)152Please respect copyright.PENANAzW7jpY7XZu
He went home happier152Please respect copyright.PENANAvEXyOmwvPo
than he ever
Dreamed!152Please respect copyright.PENANAbm5LcB6s25
152Please respect copyright.PENANArcVZP0HwdN
© Charles Kemp
ns 172.69.59.23da2