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My wife and I were going through a divorce so I went over to the house trying to sort our joint possessions.
"Okay, sweetheart, since the court awarded you the house and the barn. We have six lawn chairs and I'm taking half of them." 405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtTmE9fIunE
Also, some of the folding tables, "I'm taking my tools, and the loveseat. Cuz, I sure don't want anybody making love to you on my love seat!"405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6mm1vbHu4q
(I look around for more things, we lived on a farm and had some barnyard animals.)405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6J1icoN39y
"Let's see, I need at least 50 head of cows, 15 horses, oh, and around 30 chickens and ducks."405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡazLCFvgImH
Hmm... 405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaA8eY9I7WF
Oh yeah, and my dog Rex of course. "Here boy, come over here you mutt, you mangy critter..." Okay, I need the dog house and the 50 lb bag of dog food. 405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ88RIze8LJ
Yeah, the divorce court ordered that I get half of the heavy farming equipment. 405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnvima2KNAV
"You can have have all the adult toys."405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1fBJ7O0Yiw
Except for the pecker enhancer!405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6t1hzlpwP5
"That's all I need..."405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOUdNaRabSd
"Wait!"405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQaJCSYHwyj
I glance at my wife's body "Didn't I buy those boobies?" She said, "Well honey, yes you did." What about it?405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJuKtKflfYP
I said, "Sarah, I brought them big boobies, you can't have them!" 405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAsnXqkm4Pu
Sarah said, "Keith, what's wrong with you, are you crazy!" 405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyZwClcWfqa
(Still staring at her, I notice a dragon tatoo under her tight, revealing shorts)405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxeiVO9kFOn
"Hold on, wait, one dawg gone minute!"405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf28WCz9mdf
"Didn't I pay for that tattoo on your butt?"405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt8Z0BIqK1Q
That cost me $100!
Sarah said, "Yes, so what!" What you're going to do about it Jack!405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYvjEQE8sFk
Keith said, "My name ain't Jack, Missy!" And what about your $3000 butt injections?405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKjryRDraU1
"Sarah, I'm still paying for that big booty. Nobody can touch that booty until it's paid off!"
Orders are, nobody can see the great booty, Not nobody, not no how!405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDRKJxWbg2d
"Um...Keith? Said Sarah, you are quoting 405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMSDzi0rcvj
'The Wizard Of Oz.'
I know that I yelled,
but I can't get no satisfaction. I can't get no satisfaction. "Cause I try, and I try, and I try, and I try." I can't get no, oh no, no, no...405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1q4Icu65mZ
Ah, hey, hey, hey, that's what I say...405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfCEcpe1uXV
"Keith?" Now you're quoting, 'The Rolling Stones.' "How come when you're angry you405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGGsgckv13C
quote everybody?"
I know that Sarah but I need compensation! Let's see, the breast implants were $5,000.405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnQiYNNvIQR
Plus, umm... an additional $3000 for the butt injections and the $100 dollar Dragon tatoo.405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG5go1C4Kti
"Oh, and that thousand pack of 'Now and Later' candy!"405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ067rGRqszK
(Sarah laughs)405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXOxrbUTBLz
Keith, that line is from the movie, "The Cook Out."405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZDKa3rMbRP
"Gosh Darn!"405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe6xVN68Os1
Woman, you owe me over $8,000 cash money on the line...405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVPc8uvALYo
Sarah exclaimed, "Well don't hold your breath cuz I ain't paying you nothing Jack!" "Honey, I said, quit calling me Jack. Is that your new boyfriend's name?" 405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5020PcmqBH
Sarah, "Yeah, and he's hung like a mule!" No, like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. And I don't have to hunt in the dark for his pecker. (Sarah snickers)405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBpU5zWgMst
Keith, "Oh yeah, I bet when you're making love and he's going down, he can hear his own voice echo!"405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMBzZWB1krx
Hello~hello~hello~hello...
Hah! 405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPXLf1hJb68
Sarah, crieds, "Okay, now that's hitting below the belt."405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNSxSJHRkx1
You know you love my love thing! But Keith, you are a boring lover. 405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvPW8WvbHdT
That's how I fell into the arms of another lover. Do you recall when I said, "Give it to me! Give it to me!" I yelled. "I'm so wet and hot, give it to me now!" And you gave me an umbrella.405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVB60elqBKU
Keith, "Okay, I see you got jokes honey...405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡihnl3PANpr
Here's one, "What makes a pecker and Rubik's Cube similar?"405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdVI0QEXda8
(Sarah says what)405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMABJOaOWof
"The more you play with it, the harder it gets."405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV4xkElPaLW
(he laughs and Sarah winks)405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMGpd1ohCGm
Sarah, "Hey, I got one, 405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYkonTOcTLQ
"A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about fifteen minutes, the tired man finally gets up and says,
"Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" 405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡknXxq7T9Gf
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGkQKuLKLXG
(Keith laughs hard)405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJc8gCK7OMQ
"Okay, that was pretty good honey." Keith says, "But, hey I got a bunch of them!"405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd1Y3dNPq5W
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKXsBBYrd3G
(Sarah giggles, Keith is on a roll)405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpQidkDDmvc
Honey,405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX5NQ7QeHgu
"Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? 405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4tpFmkM5b5
Sarah grins, "Okay, I give up." Who?405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2p7Fz5AS8q
The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts on his weiner!405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdA8Vun06PP
(Sarah giggles, slapping her thigh)405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyYdXekF00e
Keith says,405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3Q4yPYI1qX
"What do a woman and a bar have in common?405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ14SLS14L5M
Liquor in the front, poker in the back."405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrbF30hsunf
(Sarah laughs, smiles and then gives Keith a big hug)405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXqcJUovvfW
Keith, "Aww, Sarah, you know I still love you and you'll always be my best friend. Just forget about the $8000. 405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpTIz2zsIcU
Keith's wife, Sarah, had always been both amused and exasperated by his constant jokes. Every morning, as she sipped her coffee, Keith would appear grinning with a mischievous smile and say, "What do you call a cow with no legs?"405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1mwE3UdgHX
"Ground beef!"405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPoiG5qLDWT
Sarah would roll her eyes and chuckle, unable to resist her husband's infectious laughter.405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqm7uf6EqlE
Their children, Lily and Max, inherited their father's sense of humor. They would eagerly gather around him, waiting for his daily dose of laughter. 405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfLMkAOk7ky
Keith would gather them close and say, "What do lawyers wear to court?" 405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdW6vbMf3C3
Lawsuits.405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMl1T5JxJvD
Lily and Max would burst into fits of giggles, just begging for more jokes until their sides hurt.405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdxtbcwGTUR
Keith's friends knew him as the 405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡufCmU2GlPv
Clown Jester of Bakersville.405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJHeQXItlFR
Whenever they needed a good laugh, they would seek him out. One evening, during a gathering at their favorite local pub, Keith got up and proclaimed, 405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBXgKdnA1Wq
"Why did the scarecrow always win an award?"405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZDN6m43kkY
Because he was so outstanding in his field!405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1H9qXATvtr
The entire pub erupted with laughter, and he basked in the joy of making others smile.405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLmzdmGVduy
His love for jokes extended beyond his family and friends. Keith would seize any golden opportunity to entertain unsuspecting strangers.405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3YHA8UZo3n
While waiting in line at the grocery store, he would strike up conversations with fellow shoppers and unleash a pun-filled tirade. 405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb06c5tnXvh
The cashiers, at first dreading the line of customers Keith held up, would eventually find themselves laughing along with the rest of the store.405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIeAsMmKMAQ
Keith's reputation as the "Jokester Extraordinaire"405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUMjglmwvrT
Spread throughout Bakersville. People began inviting him to events just to ensure a fun-filled atmosphere.405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ85HOV0dgAr
Whether it was just a birthday party, or community gathering, even a solemn occasion. Keith's corny jokes managed to uplift everyone's spirits.405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjzMCiC61Zy
One day, the Mayor of Bakersville decided to organize a grand comedy festival. Of course, Keith was naturally the first person he invited to perform. The festival was a great, riotous success, with the entire town doubled over with laughter. 405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvsqfqXQxXg
Keith took center stage, he was telling joke after joke, pun after pun, and the crowd couldn't get enough. It was a night of sheer hilarity, leaving everyone in stitches.405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2TLUdLTPhh
His wife, Sarah, was used to his jokes by now. 405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlkGkFgZvDb
Having heard them all before, many times.405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuT7fsDEd9R
She would just smile politely and laugh occasionally, but normally she would roll her eyes and shake her head. She loved Keith, but sometimes she wished he would tone down his jokes a bit.
His children, Lilly and Max, were also familiar with his jokes. They had grown up listening to them every day. They would sometimes laugh at his jokes, but mostly they would groan and cringe. They loved Keith, but sometimes they wished he would stop embarrassing them with his jokes.405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXmvhWxGTv2
His friends, Mike and Tom, were also aware of his jokes. They had known him since college and had endured his jokes for years. They would sometimes chuckle at his jokes, but mostly they would ignore them or change the subject. 405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ23oNZQt02B
They liked Keith, but sometimes they wished he would be a little more serious with his jokes.405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyy7TbzbTmU
But Keith didn't care what anyone thought of his jokes. He loved telling them and he thought they were hilarious. 405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4hHYPPvU9J
He believed that laughter was the best medicine and that everyone needed a good joke to brighten their day. He never missed an opportunity to crack a joke, no matter how corny or inappropriate it was.405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ42hDF7m8jX
One day, Keith decided to go to a comedy club for a night out. He had always wanted to try stand-up comedy and he thought he had what it took to make people laugh. He signed up for an open mic night and prepared some of his best jokes.405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ17Yj2AjlrC
He arrived at the comedy club and was greeted by the host.405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsx7bFwwzc4
"Hi, I'm here for the open mic night," Keith said.405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3Du6k3bvQF
"Sure, just write your name on this list and wait for your turn," the host said.405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeJT3aXJtal
Keith wrote down his name and looked at the list. He saw that there were about ten other comedians before him.405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeO92VyDHae
He walked over to the bar and ordered a drink. He sipped it slowly and watched the other comedians perform.405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrxeyxBCTf9
He saw some of them get laughs, others get boos and some silence.405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRDN4yfMbcw
He rehearsed his jokes in his head and smiled to himself.405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIQqigC8bqT
(When he got on stage he said)
Hello people, I'm Keith, and I hope to entertain you tonight. "How many of you like to help people, said Keith?"
(The audience clapped)405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcWilm2PFoL
Keith: "Well I do too, I walked into my bank today and an old lady asked me to help check her balance."
So I pushed her over!405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaHOPgAAfn1
(audience chuckles)405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM3Tx7YNwVm
Keith: "Yeah, three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf."405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDxYMoVVLTd
I haven't heard from him since.405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgkLIS2FQ5M
Keith: (feeling the crowd) "My wife says I'm getting fatter, but in my defence, I've had a lot on my plate recently."405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSFezUCY4W4
"Hey people, my dog is a genius... I asked him what is two minus two, and he said nothing.405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVEYtJxVUK8
(audience laughing)405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡChbTMrMk3P
Keith: "You know the other day, my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I accidentally passed her the glue stick." 405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkIVWViM7zU
She still isn't talking to me.405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG4TPqozvXy
(Keith smiles)405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeHOiLs7LbH
Keith: "Just the other day I stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and the guy says: 'Well, Once upon a time there was a lobster...'405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwPGRxq8LZv
Keith: "Yeah, some people can be so uptight you know, my female neighbor always suntans topless, my wife is quite against it, 405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD4GQxPQWmE
but I am on the fence!405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtJelBBHeAC
(audience laughing hard)405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8G676hcj0V
[He gets on a roll]405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8xAj5CdAcS
"Hey, I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes." 405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSgR7zlv98F
She gave me a hug!405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1HNe0PR7DY
"Yeah folks, today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face."
"My parents are the worst."405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvPmtKujix5
Hey!405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJSQpxjfN10
What is the worst combination of illnesses?405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6i71ziGxuQ
"Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where."405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhDy4QIKoIg
You know what? My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
"Guess who came crawling back?"405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0vLS3zF9Uf
For you gals out there, "What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?"405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAWUxY6e0Zx
They just give you a bra and say,
"Here, fill this out."405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOvO3hAxeCS
How do you get a squirrel to like you?405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy8PqowFe7o
Act like a nut.405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPTZWq1D1Vb
My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnmzpZcNNng
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFx7um9lyMH
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJrGqtUHjAx
I went to a psychic the other day and knocked on her front door. She yelled: 'Who is it?' 405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZL1JmMbOfM
So I Left.405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW3eCl1gBoC
People, I was in a casino yesterday and a couple of cows were smoking weed and playing poker.405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMkhN3mbLxW
"The steaks were pretty high!"405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4mYYbnQDsI
"Well, that's all I have for you tonight ladies and I hope gentlemen."405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ33zZkVOmEd
Goodnight!"405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3Ix969cZaX
(Dave exited the stage to thunderous applause)405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSHHOIFXgqS
He went home happier405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXqSWkps71z
than he ever
Dreamed!405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFAFuxn5TYC
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡho4TbI7YAS
© Charles Kemp
ns3.21.168.253da2
