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My wife and I were going through a divorce so I went over to the house trying to sort our joint possessions.
"Okay, sweetheart, since the court awarded you the house and the barn. We have six lawn chairs and I'm taking half of them." 439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgqUTCe3vib
Also, some of the folding tables, "I'm taking my tools, and the loveseat. Cuz, I sure don't want anybody making love to you on my love seat!"439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLNwV9oYCdW
(I look around for more things, we lived on a farm and had some barnyard animals.)439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEpfke7rXkv
"Let's see, I need at least 50 head of cows, 15 horses, oh, and around 30 chickens and ducks."439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIKjqVLXoOL
Hmm... 439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVI3mzobjLm
Oh yeah, and my dog Rex of course. "Here boy, come over here you mutt, you mangy critter..." Okay, I need the dog house and the 50 lb bag of dog food. 439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwsCycShUAu
Yeah, the divorce court ordered that I get half of the heavy farming equipment. 439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEdQVgUueRV
"You can have have all the adult toys."439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTRgxITShyw
Except for the pecker enhancer!439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuexUT4iQfQ
"That's all I need..."439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAVrXspbFBN
"Wait!"439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ68O7ER9f1P
I glance at my wife's body "Didn't I buy those boobies?" She said, "Well honey, yes you did." What about it?439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5LoLhSa5vR
I said, "Sarah, I brought them big boobies, you can't have them!" 439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdST5X5GyGT
Sarah said, "Keith, what's wrong with you, are you crazy!" 439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAGxEF16PL4
(Still staring at her, I notice a dragon tatoo under her tight, revealing shorts)439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ54GtbaZXJe
"Hold on, wait, one dawg gone minute!"439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡknL4SL3UIb
"Didn't I pay for that tattoo on your butt?"439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡquQQKeYQ8Y
That cost me $100!
Sarah said, "Yes, so what!" What you're going to do about it Jack!439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcSZsb5WPQ1
Keith said, "My name ain't Jack, Missy!" And what about your $3000 butt injections?439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuE9DjuqK2v
"Sarah, I'm still paying for that big booty. Nobody can touch that booty until it's paid off!"
Orders are, nobody can see the great booty, Not nobody, not no how!439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu1oejrhFWr
"Um...Keith? Said Sarah, you are quoting 439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡREQGzO46Fi
'The Wizard Of Oz.'
I know that I yelled,
but I can't get no satisfaction. I can't get no satisfaction. "Cause I try, and I try, and I try, and I try." I can't get no, oh no, no, no...439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQc1CMAJKvW
Ah, hey, hey, hey, that's what I say...439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVYq2AILyIR
"Keith?" Now you're quoting, 'The Rolling Stones.' "How come when you're angry you439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPpHnfcWJGE
quote everybody?"
I know that Sarah but I need compensation! Let's see, the breast implants were $5,000.439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgzqPNTq28k
Plus, umm... an additional $3000 for the butt injections and the $100 dollar Dragon tatoo.439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg6I7C4CqjL
"Oh, and that thousand pack of 'Now and Later' candy!"439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3n22YuNT7r
(Sarah laughs)439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuPuRx47RvS
Keith, that line is from the movie, "The Cook Out."439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMBewllSNWi
"Gosh Darn!"439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0qEDdz7ugP
Woman, you owe me over $8,000 cash money on the line...439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7FnkeqgeBY
Sarah exclaimed, "Well don't hold your breath cuz I ain't paying you nothing Jack!" "Honey, I said, quit calling me Jack. Is that your new boyfriend's name?" 439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNnhHCjw6RO
Sarah, "Yeah, and he's hung like a mule!" No, like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. And I don't have to hunt in the dark for his pecker. (Sarah snickers)439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0Lx1ucZXLI
Keith, "Oh yeah, I bet when you're making love and he's going down, he can hear his own voice echo!"439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPkxmX9MruD
Hello~hello~hello~hello...
Hah! 439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVjntQd8ZiD
Sarah, crieds, "Okay, now that's hitting below the belt."439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPJ9AR02bt3
You know you love my love thing! But Keith, you are a boring lover. 439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2iXb2b1Dya
That's how I fell into the arms of another lover. Do you recall when I said, "Give it to me! Give it to me!" I yelled. "I'm so wet and hot, give it to me now!" And you gave me an umbrella.439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2nOKD3TOoU
Keith, "Okay, I see you got jokes honey...439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ71gGe1QnQM
Here's one, "What makes a pecker and Rubik's Cube similar?"439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEmFB6hbNww
(Sarah says what)439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6FZQ4pKsmu
"The more you play with it, the harder it gets."439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG8AeSyBU5u
(he laughs and Sarah winks)439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv7h6DX3Ozg
Sarah, "Hey, I got one, 439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMQjVrJzT4M
"A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about fifteen minutes, the tired man finally gets up and says,
"Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" 439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdmAKERNjfR
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXdZr23e1j1
(Keith laughs hard)439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ93Ke2twron
"Okay, that was pretty good honey." Keith says, "But, hey I got a bunch of them!"439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu8YyLZ3zVm
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4kzOSrvMiy
(Sarah giggles, Keith is on a roll)439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡehCvUYgZkU
Honey,439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2WgBvSxj3w
"Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? 439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKO4NPN31pi
Sarah grins, "Okay, I give up." Who?439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvjTyn72fY6
The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts on his weiner!439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvf7YRT8b4F
(Sarah giggles, slapping her thigh)439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAoG7lqmYWh
Keith says,439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjm9B5lNrPN
"What do a woman and a bar have in common?439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡACE04MKCAP
Liquor in the front, poker in the back."439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfREURO8ANK
(Sarah laughs, smiles and then gives Keith a big hug)439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYdQ6NVxBE6
Keith, "Aww, Sarah, you know I still love you and you'll always be my best friend. Just forget about the $8000. 439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkcrtwau4C9
Keith's wife, Sarah, had always been both amused and exasperated by his constant jokes. Every morning, as she sipped her coffee, Keith would appear grinning with a mischievous smile and say, "What do you call a cow with no legs?"439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTSNC0Rg2x2
"Ground beef!"439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeWhKTPgZSt
Sarah would roll her eyes and chuckle, unable to resist her husband's infectious laughter.439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6VYw7KLUjl
Their children, Lily and Max, inherited their father's sense of humor. They would eagerly gather around him, waiting for his daily dose of laughter. 439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ2GWOh19L1
Keith would gather them close and say, "What do lawyers wear to court?" 439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNCBmTPmBkc
Lawsuits.439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0dBRdijrlJ
Lily and Max would burst into fits of giggles, just begging for more jokes until their sides hurt.439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7eIg0mGQEi
Keith's friends knew him as the 439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXzaqIDrchV
Clown Jester of Bakersville.439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJoQA0RXvUe
Whenever they needed a good laugh, they would seek him out. One evening, during a gathering at their favorite local pub, Keith got up and proclaimed, 439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwZsEr3mMAm
"Why did the scarecrow always win an award?"439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMwGgGnT6Sa
Because he was so outstanding in his field!439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNU12nMghHA
The entire pub erupted with laughter, and he basked in the joy of making others smile.439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1f0FnvxZkV
His love for jokes extended beyond his family and friends. Keith would seize any golden opportunity to entertain unsuspecting strangers.439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJUqzOD3oMm
While waiting in line at the grocery store, he would strike up conversations with fellow shoppers and unleash a pun-filled tirade. 439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2PUw9i5ZkF
The cashiers, at first dreading the line of customers Keith held up, would eventually find themselves laughing along with the rest of the store.439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNCH373KiaK
Keith's reputation as the "Jokester Extraordinaire"439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8Y0Bho6aO0
Spread throughout Bakersville. People began inviting him to events just to ensure a fun-filled atmosphere.439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrBQMD3PtP5
Whether it was just a birthday party, or community gathering, even a solemn occasion. Keith's corny jokes managed to uplift everyone's spirits.439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1MaoWO5bA2
One day, the Mayor of Bakersville decided to organize a grand comedy festival. Of course, Keith was naturally the first person he invited to perform. The festival was a great, riotous success, with the entire town doubled over with laughter. 439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjqngf2MHcB
Keith took center stage, he was telling joke after joke, pun after pun, and the crowd couldn't get enough. It was a night of sheer hilarity, leaving everyone in stitches.439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡavt7vIXnnZ
His wife, Sarah, was used to his jokes by now. 439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡezlK5MPWnQ
Having heard them all before, many times.439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMSWOJ4iUwl
She would just smile politely and laugh occasionally, but normally she would roll her eyes and shake her head. She loved Keith, but sometimes she wished he would tone down his jokes a bit.
His children, Lilly and Max, were also familiar with his jokes. They had grown up listening to them every day. They would sometimes laugh at his jokes, but mostly they would groan and cringe. They loved Keith, but sometimes they wished he would stop embarrassing them with his jokes.439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp79TnQIZQr
His friends, Mike and Tom, were also aware of his jokes. They had known him since college and had endured his jokes for years. They would sometimes chuckle at his jokes, but mostly they would ignore them or change the subject. 439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHvjSZDNMj6
They liked Keith, but sometimes they wished he would be a little more serious with his jokes.439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ30rtTsHvuc
But Keith didn't care what anyone thought of his jokes. He loved telling them and he thought they were hilarious. 439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSBgsOHYSaU
He believed that laughter was the best medicine and that everyone needed a good joke to brighten their day. He never missed an opportunity to crack a joke, no matter how corny or inappropriate it was.439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtjZMBfiIOM
One day, Keith decided to go to a comedy club for a night out. He had always wanted to try stand-up comedy and he thought he had what it took to make people laugh. He signed up for an open mic night and prepared some of his best jokes.439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoEfWJzktlr
He arrived at the comedy club and was greeted by the host.439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkV7hnhLFpp
"Hi, I'm here for the open mic night," Keith said.439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUYIhnWR2Fl
"Sure, just write your name on this list and wait for your turn," the host said.439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJSRiq55xCj
Keith wrote down his name and looked at the list. He saw that there were about ten other comedians before him.439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ81rGvqkDAI
He walked over to the bar and ordered a drink. He sipped it slowly and watched the other comedians perform.439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCwlUvh76bn
He saw some of them get laughs, others get boos and some silence.439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJOhOaOFmIr
He rehearsed his jokes in his head and smiled to himself.439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXRT3D37CML
(When he got on stage he said)
Hello people, I'm Keith, and I hope to entertain you tonight. "How many of you like to help people, said Keith?"
(The audience clapped)439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnhl30rWW9g
Keith: "Well I do too, I walked into my bank today and an old lady asked me to help check her balance."
So I pushed her over!439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ92QzLBYPNJ
(audience chuckles)439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC9DHWUzmN1
Keith: "Yeah, three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf."439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmprWDyjTNI
I haven't heard from him since.439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhUhoOtzxX5
Keith: (feeling the crowd) "My wife says I'm getting fatter, but in my defence, I've had a lot on my plate recently."439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT3h7KZdzBM
"Hey people, my dog is a genius... I asked him what is two minus two, and he said nothing.439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP4UlZAMDS5
(audience laughing)439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPjAFRGHWo5
Keith: "You know the other day, my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I accidentally passed her the glue stick." 439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtELk6Lk9LQ
She still isn't talking to me.439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7v03ZjHOSa
(Keith smiles)439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeMeZMGE4SL
Keith: "Just the other day I stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and the guy says: 'Well, Once upon a time there was a lobster...'439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2E4btqTFmp
Keith: "Yeah, some people can be so uptight you know, my female neighbor always suntans topless, my wife is quite against it, 439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGl2ATN1OJN
but I am on the fence!439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ92CwZ6mwTT
(audience laughing hard)439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2LjWgZiPyt
[He gets on a roll]439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxg8yGteoR8
"Hey, I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes." 439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMbP0EkceE6
She gave me a hug!439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO2hh9DWT0q
"Yeah folks, today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face."
"My parents are the worst."439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbBBNydxlPB
Hey!439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3OyHuKGJrs
What is the worst combination of illnesses?439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGI3QjBgcg7
"Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where."439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWgwIwObwEl
You know what? My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
"Guess who came crawling back?"439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ33J6FTMrNs
For you gals out there, "What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?"439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiJq4YEAhZJ
They just give you a bra and say,
"Here, fill this out."439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIcqHOTyNnw
How do you get a squirrel to like you?439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH9bUasFE4l
Act like a nut.439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡObfEPvflKg
My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqQHlZUVlLv
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKm7A5Cs0uX
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWccTN7Sivx
I went to a psychic the other day and knocked on her front door. She yelled: 'Who is it?' 439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6DXxQGeAMS
So I Left.439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi5qaGHxSdv
People, I was in a casino yesterday and a couple of cows were smoking weed and playing poker.439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOQB4bLNvSP
"The steaks were pretty high!"439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlWU7xEv1mS
"Well, that's all I have for you tonight ladies and I hope gentlemen."439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNu5wkVgZZ7
Goodnight!"439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZJXyPTVn9n
(Dave exited the stage to thunderous applause)439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoMRzL3ks5y
He went home happier439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1sNdkApYaR
than he ever
Dreamed!439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPwo9UBT7W7
439Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDICQ0LI7Wu
© Charles Kemp
ns3.17.164.48da2
