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My wife and I were going through a divorce so I went over to the house trying to sort our joint possessions.
"Okay, sweetheart, since the court awarded you the house and the barn. We have six lawn chairs and I'm taking half of them." 502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVn3NifNCVH
Also, some of the folding tables, "I'm taking my tools, and the loveseat. Cuz, I sure don't want anybody making love to you on my love seat!"502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDLKoQcoMr8
(I look around for more things, we lived on a farm and had some barnyard animals.)502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO35S4zsrQM
"Let's see, I need at least 50 head of cows, 15 horses, oh, and around 30 chickens and ducks."502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQvJQzlg9HZ
Hmm... 502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2grDG1JOYP
Oh yeah, and my dog Rex of course. "Here boy, come over here you mutt, you mangy critter..." Okay, I need the dog house and the 50 lb bag of dog food. 502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAfvX3xtOfn
Yeah, the divorce court ordered that I get half of the heavy farming equipment. 502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU7Y38wvy22
"You can have have all the adult toys."502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMs143F8M6N
Except for the pecker enhancer!502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSZlSNaQpzw
"That's all I need..."502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLXE6KsmmNa
"Wait!"502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgBUbvfqcHN
I glance at my wife's body "Didn't I buy those boobies?" She said, "Well honey, yes you did." What about it?502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMlk8fx36jY
I said, "Sarah, I brought them big boobies, you can't have them!" 502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRlbBku5gNU
Sarah said, "Keith, what's wrong with you, are you crazy!" 502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiRIcF5Zizr
(Still staring at her, I notice a dragon tatoo under her tight, revealing shorts)502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrNXsymvGbI
"Hold on, wait, one dawg gone minute!"502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXf6YNRWIEh
"Didn't I pay for that tattoo on your butt?"502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡitTxEpby9B
That cost me $100!
Sarah said, "Yes, so what!" What you're going to do about it Jack!502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDqVEp6qGZ1
Keith said, "My name ain't Jack, Missy!" And what about your $3000 butt injections?502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXGiQYPQx8Q
"Sarah, I'm still paying for that big booty. Nobody can touch that booty until it's paid off!"
Orders are, nobody can see the great booty, Not nobody, not no how!502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXHEjR97ioG
"Um...Keith? Said Sarah, you are quoting 502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXokcYQCR4i
'The Wizard Of Oz.'
I know that I yelled,
but I can't get no satisfaction. I can't get no satisfaction. "Cause I try, and I try, and I try, and I try." I can't get no, oh no, no, no...502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu2tO27wVW6
Ah, hey, hey, hey, that's what I say...502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIE6HgkAIZD
"Keith?" Now you're quoting, 'The Rolling Stones.' "How come when you're angry you502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡphkV0esskZ
quote everybody?"
I know that Sarah but I need compensation! Let's see, the breast implants were $5,000.502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBXMFTZLjcL
Plus, umm... an additional $3000 for the butt injections and the $100 dollar Dragon tatoo.502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgW7ofhq2gG
"Oh, and that thousand pack of 'Now and Later' candy!"502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaGbqp0A4aw
(Sarah laughs)502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI9fhm7qHpm
Keith, that line is from the movie, "The Cook Out."502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ69S80I1wii
"Gosh Darn!"502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA0gI06Yoxd
Woman, you owe me over $8,000 cash money on the line...502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjKNtEOsvM8
Sarah exclaimed, "Well don't hold your breath cuz I ain't paying you nothing Jack!" "Honey, I said, quit calling me Jack. Is that your new boyfriend's name?" 502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYP6UtUjuvK
Sarah, "Yeah, and he's hung like a mule!" No, like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. And I don't have to hunt in the dark for his pecker. (Sarah snickers)502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡci5VFZAw01
Keith, "Oh yeah, I bet when you're making love and he's going down, he can hear his own voice echo!"502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi7MDrd7q8g
Hello~hello~hello~hello...
Hah! 502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtQ3br2UtTQ
Sarah, crieds, "Okay, now that's hitting below the belt."502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFQwmNlSZgq
You know you love my love thing! But Keith, you are a boring lover. 502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9KZ3XiLcDW
That's how I fell into the arms of another lover. Do you recall when I said, "Give it to me! Give it to me!" I yelled. "I'm so wet and hot, give it to me now!" And you gave me an umbrella.502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa5psVulnq4
Keith, "Okay, I see you got jokes honey...502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbxe6xuXRex
Here's one, "What makes a pecker and Rubik's Cube similar?"502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtkjMz2C1nX
(Sarah says what)502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1JO0zHYvHW
"The more you play with it, the harder it gets."502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVPm15snSBJ
(he laughs and Sarah winks)502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr3dlquEFC6
Sarah, "Hey, I got one, 502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdCEQ3JMtWY
"A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about fifteen minutes, the tired man finally gets up and says,
"Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" 502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLzcRVKdgcC
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfA6ejj1yDS
(Keith laughs hard)502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC6bGzR21Y3
"Okay, that was pretty good honey." Keith says, "But, hey I got a bunch of them!"502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRv0KHWnq6f
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrl7BfYwikO
(Sarah giggles, Keith is on a roll)502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7yOP4jdSMx
Honey,502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzxC1h9xull
"Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? 502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt5nxCYTiQN
Sarah grins, "Okay, I give up." Who?502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpRrZSKf2vN
The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts on his weiner!502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ473GXkibDR
(Sarah giggles, slapping her thigh)502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡido3jdzOS0
Keith says,502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5OkfHFJRoo
"What do a woman and a bar have in common?502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvtDDcY19kJ
Liquor in the front, poker in the back."502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5WAIpa6z9K
(Sarah laughs, smiles and then gives Keith a big hug)502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDytAdfxpiz
Keith, "Aww, Sarah, you know I still love you and you'll always be my best friend. Just forget about the $8000. 502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbT8p0aUzz6
Keith's wife, Sarah, had always been both amused and exasperated by his constant jokes. Every morning, as she sipped her coffee, Keith would appear grinning with a mischievous smile and say, "What do you call a cow with no legs?"502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFT9oLhd0wU
"Ground beef!"502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuWM3bsMI9U
Sarah would roll her eyes and chuckle, unable to resist her husband's infectious laughter.502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtRUaMf3NhW
Their children, Lily and Max, inherited their father's sense of humor. They would eagerly gather around him, waiting for his daily dose of laughter. 502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMHb2vklkTN
Keith would gather them close and say, "What do lawyers wear to court?" 502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzTEwIWXu44
Lawsuits.502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPTU7JTZmK3
Lily and Max would burst into fits of giggles, just begging for more jokes until their sides hurt.502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUS1hqYoM9T
Keith's friends knew him as the 502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSNVSo3x7bY
Clown Jester of Bakersville.502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo39TUPQRUK
Whenever they needed a good laugh, they would seek him out. One evening, during a gathering at their favorite local pub, Keith got up and proclaimed, 502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTPtObQ21nD
"Why did the scarecrow always win an award?"502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPG3NQaIPpl
Because he was so outstanding in his field!502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjS4ZtL1BSD
The entire pub erupted with laughter, and he basked in the joy of making others smile.502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9zOUeJDab9
His love for jokes extended beyond his family and friends. Keith would seize any golden opportunity to entertain unsuspecting strangers.502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOoohUTrVLb
While waiting in line at the grocery store, he would strike up conversations with fellow shoppers and unleash a pun-filled tirade. 502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1GfIpWcLSB
The cashiers, at first dreading the line of customers Keith held up, would eventually find themselves laughing along with the rest of the store.502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnZaHwxM21k
Keith's reputation as the "Jokester Extraordinaire"502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPmP2P1eIbE
Spread throughout Bakersville. People began inviting him to events just to ensure a fun-filled atmosphere.502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4HQ0x0yPUw
Whether it was just a birthday party, or community gathering, even a solemn occasion. Keith's corny jokes managed to uplift everyone's spirits.502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRDVa6z9uND
One day, the Mayor of Bakersville decided to organize a grand comedy festival. Of course, Keith was naturally the first person he invited to perform. The festival was a great, riotous success, with the entire town doubled over with laughter. 502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx4s9gu0GyT
Keith took center stage, he was telling joke after joke, pun after pun, and the crowd couldn't get enough. It was a night of sheer hilarity, leaving everyone in stitches.502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkEwQXaeUvs
His wife, Sarah, was used to his jokes by now. 502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTtcTf1m7w5
Having heard them all before, many times.502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8mVax3Qv3q
She would just smile politely and laugh occasionally, but normally she would roll her eyes and shake her head. She loved Keith, but sometimes she wished he would tone down his jokes a bit.
His children, Lilly and Max, were also familiar with his jokes. They had grown up listening to them every day. They would sometimes laugh at his jokes, but mostly they would groan and cringe. They loved Keith, but sometimes they wished he would stop embarrassing them with his jokes.502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAtSrNaFTJk
His friends, Mike and Tom, were also aware of his jokes. They had known him since college and had endured his jokes for years. They would sometimes chuckle at his jokes, but mostly they would ignore them or change the subject. 502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbJyeJRxZNN
They liked Keith, but sometimes they wished he would be a little more serious with his jokes.502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz9FM9h99o5
But Keith didn't care what anyone thought of his jokes. He loved telling them and he thought they were hilarious. 502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9EXddjb0xZ
He believed that laughter was the best medicine and that everyone needed a good joke to brighten their day. He never missed an opportunity to crack a joke, no matter how corny or inappropriate it was.502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2yESyDZDMO
One day, Keith decided to go to a comedy club for a night out. He had always wanted to try stand-up comedy and he thought he had what it took to make people laugh. He signed up for an open mic night and prepared some of his best jokes.502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxxWMNgNGv7
He arrived at the comedy club and was greeted by the host.502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMhazuxv1un
"Hi, I'm here for the open mic night," Keith said.502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvDrBI2EPxD
"Sure, just write your name on this list and wait for your turn," the host said.502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbT72t3pQlg
Keith wrote down his name and looked at the list. He saw that there were about ten other comedians before him.502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhkdy0e4b4Z
He walked over to the bar and ordered a drink. He sipped it slowly and watched the other comedians perform.502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXYBWmOvusN
He saw some of them get laughs, others get boos and some silence.502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9cUj2oa3ww
He rehearsed his jokes in his head and smiled to himself.502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOMORJz9EIV
(When he got on stage he said)
Hello people, I'm Keith, and I hope to entertain you tonight. "How many of you like to help people, said Keith?"
(The audience clapped)502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWsJQ90I7A8
Keith: "Well I do too, I walked into my bank today and an old lady asked me to help check her balance."
So I pushed her over!502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB29xOBDSff
(audience chuckles)502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9GxwwpEzUJ
Keith: "Yeah, three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf."502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcgxU7IHl9j
I haven't heard from him since.502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJX4MW5RypH
Keith: (feeling the crowd) "My wife says I'm getting fatter, but in my defence, I've had a lot on my plate recently."502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4wZX79Lmwu
"Hey people, my dog is a genius... I asked him what is two minus two, and he said nothing.502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpXEwqmfAYs
(audience laughing)502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCLcVD7UK9v
Keith: "You know the other day, my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I accidentally passed her the glue stick." 502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVb08VGCKbG
She still isn't talking to me.502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUnnlgXWgAU
(Keith smiles)502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoooh31odGg
Keith: "Just the other day I stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and the guy says: 'Well, Once upon a time there was a lobster...'502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtjVgBB89Wq
Keith: "Yeah, some people can be so uptight you know, my female neighbor always suntans topless, my wife is quite against it, 502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzeWb6mBoWd
but I am on the fence!502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv8j7cCIZ40
(audience laughing hard)502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMecURMY9Wi
[He gets on a roll]502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtWR18yXOnD
"Hey, I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes." 502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGNQvSQtTVQ
She gave me a hug!502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTUy7kJdc5y
"Yeah folks, today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face."
"My parents are the worst."502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh4a1hoqf7V
Hey!502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVHBE5E05Ay
What is the worst combination of illnesses?502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡerGXR8gNhc
"Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where."502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZaI9tGyC9g
You know what? My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
"Guess who came crawling back?"502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF084vnJEIk
For you gals out there, "What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?"502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdDnZchNMmF
They just give you a bra and say,
"Here, fill this out."502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvvAThRwSey
How do you get a squirrel to like you?502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsN41emA0rz
Act like a nut.502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5hxfu5BmRR
My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQMGSofKUxu
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlijC0ux7Kj
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpN1rl0hNYy
I went to a psychic the other day and knocked on her front door. She yelled: 'Who is it?' 502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOWDjbdImTw
So I Left.502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡynt94JdeI5
People, I was in a casino yesterday and a couple of cows were smoking weed and playing poker.502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡejcKfr6heJ
"The steaks were pretty high!"502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ697uBXITQV
"Well, that's all I have for you tonight ladies and I hope gentlemen."502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRpm60WTWnV
Goodnight!"502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhjrPCcffRh
(Dave exited the stage to thunderous applause)502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpzm8bExTN0
He went home happier502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡit7uJm5bOk
than he ever
Dreamed!502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3CtBDzuc8g
502Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ17jPxQHt7G
© Charles Kemp
ns216.73.216.6da2
