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My wife and I were going through a divorce so I went over to the house trying to sort our joint possessions.
"Okay, sweetheart, since the court awarded you the house and the barn. We have six lawn chairs and I'm taking half of them." 379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxg3RscIPm4
Also, some of the folding tables, "I'm taking my tools, and the loveseat. Cuz, I sure don't want anybody making love to you on my love seat!"379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhF57EOgtSZ
(I look around for more things, we lived on a farm and had some barnyard animals.)379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGeul2PjeJc
"Let's see, I need at least 50 head of cows, 15 horses, oh, and around 30 chickens and ducks."379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTFRHL1ZKje
Hmm... 379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpBQ9W5QMGR
Oh yeah, and my dog Rex of course. "Here boy, come over here you mutt, you mangy critter..." Okay, I need the dog house and the 50 lb bag of dog food. 379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi1rplRj5Mr
Yeah, the divorce court ordered that I get half of the heavy farming equipment. 379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkWsj10FOL2
"You can have have all the adult toys."379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu2HYJS4j6N
Except for the pecker enhancer!379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6ZIvamdhDI
"That's all I need..."379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsxxolxEJpy
"Wait!"379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZchAqInKG7
I glance at my wife's body "Didn't I buy those boobies?" She said, "Well honey, yes you did." What about it?379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2mWHB1pFvV
I said, "Sarah, I brought them big boobies, you can't have them!" 379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhlBNOf1mBr
Sarah said, "Keith, what's wrong with you, are you crazy!" 379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzHLgtM2O6N
(Still staring at her, I notice a dragon tatoo under her tight, revealing shorts)379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiIFwiXchNn
"Hold on, wait, one dawg gone minute!"379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvvSjKkRvF5
"Didn't I pay for that tattoo on your butt?"379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxn8gv6blts
That cost me $100!
Sarah said, "Yes, so what!" What you're going to do about it Jack!379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBhjVjTyRq4
Keith said, "My name ain't Jack, Missy!" And what about your $3000 butt injections?379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRj6pg46TSa
"Sarah, I'm still paying for that big booty. Nobody can touch that booty until it's paid off!"
Orders are, nobody can see the great booty, Not nobody, not no how!379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡalsWldCSzX
"Um...Keith? Said Sarah, you are quoting 379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP8Avdi6dC4
'The Wizard Of Oz.'
I know that I yelled,
but I can't get no satisfaction. I can't get no satisfaction. "Cause I try, and I try, and I try, and I try." I can't get no, oh no, no, no...379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYQtM2KimJW
Ah, hey, hey, hey, that's what I say...379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAgYlyLXBPI
"Keith?" Now you're quoting, 'The Rolling Stones.' "How come when you're angry you379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3PmLDnSbxe
quote everybody?"
I know that Sarah but I need compensation! Let's see, the breast implants were $5,000.379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuoTqGwb0Xa
Plus, umm... an additional $3000 for the butt injections and the $100 dollar Dragon tatoo.379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ56WmaCMXHS
"Oh, and that thousand pack of 'Now and Later' candy!"379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb9iOKZ8QyC
(Sarah laughs)379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH20akvJjEl
Keith, that line is from the movie, "The Cook Out."379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxfeiNCoXxf
"Gosh Darn!"379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB2XsCVdoiV
Woman, you owe me over $8,000 cash money on the line...379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxw2NrRvYEd
Sarah exclaimed, "Well don't hold your breath cuz I ain't paying you nothing Jack!" "Honey, I said, quit calling me Jack. Is that your new boyfriend's name?" 379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV2Kupr0Yre
Sarah, "Yeah, and he's hung like a mule!" No, like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. And I don't have to hunt in the dark for his pecker. (Sarah snickers)379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaqDFwcMvrL
Keith, "Oh yeah, I bet when you're making love and he's going down, he can hear his own voice echo!"379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3Taz5dVdK5
Hello~hello~hello~hello...
Hah! 379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6Zg8U4IXZp
Sarah, crieds, "Okay, now that's hitting below the belt."379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdfN1BdpxZS
You know you love my love thing! But Keith, you are a boring lover. 379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ21fGO0IJun
That's how I fell into the arms of another lover. Do you recall when I said, "Give it to me! Give it to me!" I yelled. "I'm so wet and hot, give it to me now!" And you gave me an umbrella.379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaXvTzvGT5e
Keith, "Okay, I see you got jokes honey...379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjdIBujbgHw
Here's one, "What makes a pecker and Rubik's Cube similar?"379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfRXd70yy4L
(Sarah says what)379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsa71w046JB
"The more you play with it, the harder it gets."379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXOG4TA0Huo
(he laughs and Sarah winks)379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF9CbiYHnyj
Sarah, "Hey, I got one, 379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGINXOWx4BR
"A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about fifteen minutes, the tired man finally gets up and says,
"Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" 379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2quZAE4535
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBJIQGgYJL8
(Keith laughs hard)379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsP2RWZf0Ol
"Okay, that was pretty good honey." Keith says, "But, hey I got a bunch of them!"379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfHV6pOTyYu
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaH2x8hTiJR
(Sarah giggles, Keith is on a roll)379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrzaTD9mAE3
Honey,379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkuTCCBSCgi
"Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? 379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1tj9Q5aEgh
Sarah grins, "Okay, I give up." Who?379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE9W10oEGRc
The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts on his weiner!379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXzZQYDfToL
(Sarah giggles, slapping her thigh)379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡULxd6p37E5
Keith says,379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡekJkVbNkC4
"What do a woman and a bar have in common?379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡupVZ3f0WzG
Liquor in the front, poker in the back."379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvJNi8NT0b3
(Sarah laughs, smiles and then gives Keith a big hug)379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNXVqRXdS1b
Keith, "Aww, Sarah, you know I still love you and you'll always be my best friend. Just forget about the $8000. 379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh0DjkB70b2
Keith's wife, Sarah, had always been both amused and exasperated by his constant jokes. Every morning, as she sipped her coffee, Keith would appear grinning with a mischievous smile and say, "What do you call a cow with no legs?"379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡstLBD8NbR8
"Ground beef!"379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqLI8x9etvd
Sarah would roll her eyes and chuckle, unable to resist her husband's infectious laughter.379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm9CHzZAuaA
Their children, Lily and Max, inherited their father's sense of humor. They would eagerly gather around him, waiting for his daily dose of laughter. 379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCebThnEEGK
Keith would gather them close and say, "What do lawyers wear to court?" 379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGqK3yifEx6
Lawsuits.379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL35AxjDdZp
Lily and Max would burst into fits of giggles, just begging for more jokes until their sides hurt.379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡApwS3m7hix
Keith's friends knew him as the 379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV0XG5tlc7T
Clown Jester of Bakersville.379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4PDRyvOexq
Whenever they needed a good laugh, they would seek him out. One evening, during a gathering at their favorite local pub, Keith got up and proclaimed, 379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhCdOvECe6Y
"Why did the scarecrow always win an award?"379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBpbCObsStg
Because he was so outstanding in his field!379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡELN9x9YQRk
The entire pub erupted with laughter, and he basked in the joy of making others smile.379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWo9GwoskSO
His love for jokes extended beyond his family and friends. Keith would seize any golden opportunity to entertain unsuspecting strangers.379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS1n0izL6QU
While waiting in line at the grocery store, he would strike up conversations with fellow shoppers and unleash a pun-filled tirade. 379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSwMK37bTZH
The cashiers, at first dreading the line of customers Keith held up, would eventually find themselves laughing along with the rest of the store.379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIoSNt2QkPE
Keith's reputation as the "Jokester Extraordinaire"379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwBxtYtSEM2
Spread throughout Bakersville. People began inviting him to events just to ensure a fun-filled atmosphere.379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7kXcQzZWzt
Whether it was just a birthday party, or community gathering, even a solemn occasion. Keith's corny jokes managed to uplift everyone's spirits.379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhk9KMYwzzs
One day, the Mayor of Bakersville decided to organize a grand comedy festival. Of course, Keith was naturally the first person he invited to perform. The festival was a great, riotous success, with the entire town doubled over with laughter. 379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0SfcMgg3CL
Keith took center stage, he was telling joke after joke, pun after pun, and the crowd couldn't get enough. It was a night of sheer hilarity, leaving everyone in stitches.379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc50BbBTLti
His wife, Sarah, was used to his jokes by now. 379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEKZ5Hqee1a
Having heard them all before, many times.379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwp0u8pUeHp
She would just smile politely and laugh occasionally, but normally she would roll her eyes and shake her head. She loved Keith, but sometimes she wished he would tone down his jokes a bit.
His children, Lilly and Max, were also familiar with his jokes. They had grown up listening to them every day. They would sometimes laugh at his jokes, but mostly they would groan and cringe. They loved Keith, but sometimes they wished he would stop embarrassing them with his jokes.379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGRS2smrMaZ
His friends, Mike and Tom, were also aware of his jokes. They had known him since college and had endured his jokes for years. They would sometimes chuckle at his jokes, but mostly they would ignore them or change the subject. 379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡArwtvbITDQ
They liked Keith, but sometimes they wished he would be a little more serious with his jokes.379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCQj3LinOGh
But Keith didn't care what anyone thought of his jokes. He loved telling them and he thought they were hilarious. 379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMFsbaK5HEg
He believed that laughter was the best medicine and that everyone needed a good joke to brighten their day. He never missed an opportunity to crack a joke, no matter how corny or inappropriate it was.379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuegwkXtIBY
One day, Keith decided to go to a comedy club for a night out. He had always wanted to try stand-up comedy and he thought he had what it took to make people laugh. He signed up for an open mic night and prepared some of his best jokes.379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuXLT2dBxG5
He arrived at the comedy club and was greeted by the host.379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPxQAC6RvbF
"Hi, I'm here for the open mic night," Keith said.379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVWO4trIoMv
"Sure, just write your name on this list and wait for your turn," the host said.379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrfkrXDpOba
Keith wrote down his name and looked at the list. He saw that there were about ten other comedians before him.379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa9mkfcBH3E
He walked over to the bar and ordered a drink. He sipped it slowly and watched the other comedians perform.379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkUlq5nt1y5
He saw some of them get laughs, others get boos and some silence.379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXwdwtOSGjQ
He rehearsed his jokes in his head and smiled to himself.379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhsgAROtyKS
(When he got on stage he said)
Hello people, I'm Keith, and I hope to entertain you tonight. "How many of you like to help people, said Keith?"
(The audience clapped)379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5ZVICmoKi7
Keith: "Well I do too, I walked into my bank today and an old lady asked me to help check her balance."
So I pushed her over!379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrF4JB4qGLX
(audience chuckles)379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcDDfDVEStS
Keith: "Yeah, three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf."379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJnbJeAjneX
I haven't heard from him since.379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR3OL4jLfoV
Keith: (feeling the crowd) "My wife says I'm getting fatter, but in my defence, I've had a lot on my plate recently."379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhY04lYomUu
"Hey people, my dog is a genius... I asked him what is two minus two, and he said nothing.379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡedk6APAsR6
(audience laughing)379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWp0sVJZYtb
Keith: "You know the other day, my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I accidentally passed her the glue stick." 379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM0YpQuIWzx
She still isn't talking to me.379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0XwrJ0gXbz
(Keith smiles)379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDnjuBrzvxJ
Keith: "Just the other day I stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and the guy says: 'Well, Once upon a time there was a lobster...'379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYCmNgyi5g7
Keith: "Yeah, some people can be so uptight you know, my female neighbor always suntans topless, my wife is quite against it, 379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF9YUQfehdH
but I am on the fence!379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtjyXUm8ZxR
(audience laughing hard)379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgWN36bAGOY
[He gets on a roll]379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf7D8iHSHBC
"Hey, I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes." 379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuDR7W7sEc2
She gave me a hug!379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOsg0xmhv6f
"Yeah folks, today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face."
"My parents are the worst."379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFGA6M2MrQE
Hey!379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9XAz10HlVE
What is the worst combination of illnesses?379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfABht6gd9V
"Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where."379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjC4HeinJFB
You know what? My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
"Guess who came crawling back?"379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9NLJT33wUr
For you gals out there, "What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?"379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWIrMeHhOgm
They just give you a bra and say,
"Here, fill this out."379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUedVBWwjPh
How do you get a squirrel to like you?379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMhsgtoKb57
Act like a nut.379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQQ2AF64kA5
My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyg8BAeOnd0
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHHLDWPys0X
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJTrW8BknVB
I went to a psychic the other day and knocked on her front door. She yelled: 'Who is it?' 379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS8DdP5ngzl
So I Left.379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxJVq18Imyt
People, I was in a casino yesterday and a couple of cows were smoking weed and playing poker.379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡogRN9S544y
"The steaks were pretty high!"379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV9UcQqmZCw
"Well, that's all I have for you tonight ladies and I hope gentlemen."379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfyIjilxCeF
Goodnight!"379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGr3N3zCoQ0
(Dave exited the stage to thunderous applause)379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGg4DBCQvRp
He went home happier379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX3fVnEMg3P
than he ever
Dreamed!379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRBKIgzJroy
379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHIOxYikqgz
© Charles Kemp
ns18.117.230.210da2
