Sacristan
"'Di ka na kasi dapat sumama! Tignan mo, maputik! Maraming tao!"
I rolled my eyes for the nth time. He's been lecturing me simula pa no'ng bumaba kami ng sasakyan. Alam ko namang inuunahan niya lang ako. Akala niya siguro magrereklamo ako. It wasn't as if the first time. Nakapunta naman na 'ko rito. I have already forseen this. Walking in cramped spaces, inhaling the stench of animals' flesh, messing up my shoes with mud-spattered surface, lahat! In-expect ko na 'to! 'Di na bago!
"Don't change the topic here! I'm asking you, why the hell did you drag me away from Margarette?!"
"Hahanapin nga ni Tatay si Garette! Tsaka pwede ba? Calm down! Ilalabas muna kita rito!"
"Sinabi ko bang gusto kong lumabas?!"
Sandali siyang huminto. Pagod niya akong tinignan na parang nakakaubos ako ng energy. Buntong-hininga lang ang tugon niya sa 'kin, hinigpitan ang kapit sa wrist ko. Umikot muli ang mga mata ko. I don't know what he wanted to prove sa paghila-hila niya sa 'kin. Hindi niya na 'ko pinansin. He just kept on saying "Makikiraan po" to all people who were blocking the way.
Sa totoo lang, hindi ang paligid ang nakaka-stress. Kun'di siya. Naiistress ako sa kaniya!
Since we went out of the car, Jehoram didn't leave our side. Sabi niya, bibili lang daw siya ng karne. Wala naman akong pake. Kay Margarette lang ako bumuntot. Kaso nabili niya na at lahat ang kailangan, nakasunod pa rin siya sa 'min.
"Ma-paralyze 'yang mata mo. Kanina pa ikot nang ikot," sabi niya kanina habang nilalagay sa weighing scale ang mga sibuyas. Halos siya na rin ang namalengke para sa 'min. Nahiya pa siyang sabihin na bumalik na kami sa sasakyan at siya na ang bahala.
"Bakit ba kasi buntot ka nang buntot?"
"It's hard to go around here kapag gan'tong oras, you know. Tsaka... marami kayang nanghahablot diyan. Look. They are gawking at you. Kapag nasa gan'tong lugar ka kasi, don't wear anything na mapang-akit sa mga mata." Inabot niya ang bayad sa lalaki at kinuha ang plastik ng mga sibuyas. Matapos ay inakbayan niya si Margarette. Ngumiti siya rito. "'Di ba, Garette?"
And in a double quick time, Margarette's face transformed to a ripened tomato.
Jehoram insisted na sasamahan niya raw kami. Hinayaan ko na. He was treading on our heels like we're some sort of prominent people needing a bulwark.
Tama siya. I could notice some people who were turning their heads on me and doing double take. Siguro nga dahil sa suot ko. I was wearing a split neck blouse and a denim pants. Makinang rin ang pares ng hikaw at kwintas ko. Compare to the get up of the people around, I didn't blend. Pero ito ang casual wear ko. Bahala nga sila diyan.
Instead of bothering myself, pinanatili ko na lang ang mga mata ko kay Margarette. I was afraid that she might get lost in my sight. Between the two of us, she was more familiar sa lugar na 'to. And once my eyes lose her, I'll literally get lost too.
Sabagay. Nasa likuran naman si Jehoram. Sabi nga niya, he got our backs. Siguraduhin niya lang.
I halted when an old woman fell on the wet surface. Sa tapat ko pa. The plastic bags that she was holding fell with her. I stepped backward when people started to gather around the fainted woman.
Nag-angat ako ng tingin. Halos mahimatay din ako upon realizing na 'di ko na makita si Margarette. I turned my back from the panicking crowd and a sigh of relief slipped away nang makita ko si Jehoram. I could see from his eyes his earnestness to help the old woman pero nang magtagpo ang mga mata namin, he was drawn back by confusion. Para siyang nalilito na 'di malaman ang gagawin. His eyes shifted from me, to the old woman, and back to my eyes again.
"Tabi! Tabi! Tumabi kayo diyan!"
I turned my head to find out what was about to come. I saw a man carrying a huge wooden crate of vegetables on his shoulders. Papunta siya sa direksyon namin. He was in a hurry. And since people were jammed sa masikip na space, mahihirapan itong dumaan. Another man was carrying the fainted woman on his arms. And if ever, magbabanggaan pa ang dalawang lalaki.
Everything was making me lightheaded. The incoherent noises of the people wasn't even helping. Nilibot ko ang mga mata ko, looking for any space to breathe. Lalakad na sana 'ko but before I could move, I felt a massive arm enveloped my waist. I flinched as I bumped to someone's hard-rock chest. Nag-angat ako ng tingin, nahuli ang mga mata ni Jehoram.
My heart race faster when I realized that his face was just an inch away from mine
I don't know for how long we're standing close and staring deeply to each other's soul. I just felt him pushing me closer to him, not even breaking the stares. I grasped.
Ako na ang unang nag-iwas ng tingin. I was scared. The abnormal pace of my heart was creeping the hell out of me.
Siguro, he felt that I was quite uncomfortable, kaya niluwagan niya ang pagkakahawak sa balakang ko. But he didn't leave it there. Buti na lang, kahit papa'no, I had the chance to barely pull away.
"Let's go back?"
Alanganin akong nag-angat ng tingin sa mga mata niya.
"How about Margarette? We can't just leave her here."
I felt his hand made a gentle caress on my back. It sent me goosebumps! It was like... a horse making a strenuous gallop inside my chest. Sinulyapan ko siya. He was just normal. Parang wala lang sa kaniya. Napapikit ako.
I hate it.
I don't like the way my body was reacting too much to his meaningless touch.
"Let me make a call."
I took the chance para tuluyang lumayo. He was holding three plastics on his left hand, cellphone naman sa kabila. I just stayed beside him, fondling the diamonds of my matinee necklace.
"Tay... Balik na po kami diyan..." His eyes laid on me. "Hindi pa po. Nahiwalay sa 'min si Garette 'e. Ang dami kasing tao..."
My lips parted as he held my wrist. He pushed me closer to him. Naroon na naman ang pag-init ng pisngi ko. Pasimple ko siyang tinignan. Tulad kanina, parang wala lang din 'yon sa kaniya.
"'Yun na nga po 'e, baka hanapin na rin sila sa mansion. Pwede po bang pakihanap si Garette, Tay? Ibabalik ko na diyan si Ma'am..."
Hindi ko na nasundan ang pag-uusap nila ni Mang Diego. The next thing I knew, he was already pulling me away from the suffocating place. Nagpumiglas ako. I was worried kay Margarette. Hindi kami pwedeng lumabas nang wala siya. We should help Mang Diego. Paano kung magkasalisihan sila?
Kaso parang bingi si Jehoram.
'Di niya 'ko pinansin hanggang sa makarating kami sa parking space. I immediately saw our Chevrolet. Sinalubong kami kaagad ni Mang Diego.
"Natawagan ko na si Margarette. Nasa bilihan daw siya ng mga gulay. Puntahan ko lang, baka marami ng bitbit 'e." He tapped Jehoram's shoulder bago kami nilampasan.
Jehoram just gave his father a nod. Hatak-hatak niya pa rin ako. Hindi na ako umangal. Nandito na kami 'e, ano pang magagawa ko? He opened the door of the Chevrolet for me, motioning me to slide myself inside. I just sighed and gave up.
"Sabay ka sa 'min pauwi?"
He shook his head, pinalitaw ang mga dimples. "May dadaanan pa 'ko."
Tumango ako at hindi na siya pinilit. Baka sabihin niya pa, feel na feel ko siyang kasama. Hindi kaya. Ang weird nga ng tingin ko sa sarili ko kapag kasama ko siya. Ang weird din kasi niyang tao. Ang weird ng mga kilos niya. Pati ng mga sinasabi niya.
Nilaylay ko ang mga paa ko sa labas, nakaharap sa pinto. Siya naman, nakasandal sa door frame. Pinagkalaruan ng kamay niya ang hawak na cellphone. Napangiti ako. It was a Nokia mobile. 'Yung may keypad.
"Pa'no pala kayo nagkakilala ni Margarette?"
Napabaling siya sa 'kin. Ngumiti ulit. He crossed his massive arms and chuckled like something tickled his tummy.
"'Yung pinsan niya kasi, ex-girlfriend ng kaibigan ko. Conservative sila pareho. Either kasama ako ni Miguel sa date, or kasama ni Reign si Garette. Tapos one time, sabay kaming pinasama nung mag-ex. I met her. Si Garette din nagsabi sa 'kin na naghahanap kayo ng driver."
"Bakit si Mang Diego pinag-apply mo?" I smiled teasingly. "Di ka marunong magdrive 'no?"
"Marunong kaya!" I narrowed my eyes like I didn't believe him. Dead-set naman siyang patunayan na marunong talaga siya kaya OA siyang tumango with enlarging eyes. "Marunong! Driver ako ng delivery truck dati. Kaso matagal na 'yun. Sa Ilocos pa kami nakatira."
"Taga-Ilocos ka?" I was suprised. "Bakit kayo lumipat dito?"
His brows elevated when sadness crossed his eyes. Mapait siyang ngumiti, iniwas sa 'kin ang tingin. He clicked his tongue.
"Akala ko kasi makakapagcollege ako 'e. Kaso..."
Tumango ako. I understand if he didn't want to tell. There were really some part of ourlives that no one could touch. Mga hindi pwedeng sabihin. Say, hindi natin kaya. Kaso nakakalungkot talaga. How I wished na lahat ng tao, regardless of their status in life, may equal rights para makapag-aral. Everyone deserves it. Gusto ko sanang i-suggest kay Dad na maggrant kami ng scholarship kaso feeling ko, hindi ito ang right time. We weren't even in good terms. Kaya nga ang plano ko, kay Levi na lang ako hihingi ng tulong paggising niya.
"How old are you na nga, Jehoram?"
Bumalik naman ang kinang sa mga mata niya. He grinned. He's at it again. Obviously.
"Old talaga?"
"Oh 'e 'di 'young! How young are you, Jehoram?"
"Akala ko 'di ka interested?"
I scowled at him. Ayan na naman siya sa pang-aasar niya. Ang hilig niya talagang manira ng mood. The conversation was almost good. Almost. Not until he ruined it. Sa inis ko, umayos ako ng upo at pinasok ang mga paa ko.
"'Wag na nga! Bwiset ka talaga!"
He laughed. Nakuha pa niyang guluhin ang buhok ko.
"I'm 24, miss. Kung interesado ka rin sa number ko-"
I immediately punched his arm "Ang kapal ng mukha mo!"
And by that remark, he dissolved into laughter. I glared at him once more, mas masama this time. Halos maningkit na ang nga mata niya sa sobrang pagtawa. Nakakainis! Mapasukan sana ng langaw 'yang bibig niya!
Wait... 24 na siya? Mas bata lang kay Kuya ng one year. He finished high school, gustong magcollege. Hindi pa naman siguro huli para bumalik siya sa school. Besides, he seemed really dedicated. Minsan. Kasi madalas, para siyang 14 years old sa paningin ko. Masyadong maligalig.
"Akala ko ba coincidence lang ang lahat?"
'Di ko na namalayan ang pagdating nina Margarette. She had her arms crossed and her brows in deep furrows. Nakangiwi siya kay Jehoram na hindi maampat sa pagtawa. Nang napansin na nakatingin kami sa kaniya, he tried to soothe himself down. Binati niya si Margarette at tinanong kung okay lang ito. Ang babae, nalimutan ata na dapat bad mood siya. She was now having a silly conversation with Jehoram like she didn't try to hide from him earlier. Hindi rin naman nagtagal. Matapos ipasok ni Mang Diego ang mga pinamili, umalis na rin kami. Jehoram refused to go with us. 'Di na namin pinilit. Bahala siya sa buhay niya.
Ate Faye:
Sorry, I haven't read your message last night. Anyway, Grandma's out with her colleagues. Mamayang hapon ata ang balik.
Tita Martha:
Blaire, Mama's not here. Bibisita ka ba?
I was on the dining hall that morning, nagreply si Ate Faye at Tita. Upon reading their texts, minadali ko na ang pagkain. When Madame Eliza wasn't around, it was an opportunity for me para bisitahin si Levi. Sabi ni Ate Faye, hindi pa raw niya alam kung kailan ang balik ni Madame Eliza sa Canada. Siguro... kapag nagkaro'n daw ng progress sa kondisyon ni Levi. After all, he was the reason kung bakit siya umuwi rito. Tulad ko. And based on my conversation with Doctor Tolentino, matatagalan pa 'yon.
Nagpasalamat ako kay Ate at Tita, informing them na pupuntahan ko si Levi. Hindi na nagreply si Tita. Ang sabi naman ni Ate Faye, sasabihan niya na lang ako kapag nakauwi na ng mansion si Madame Eliza.
After taking a warm bath, lumabas na 'ko ng kwarto. But upon swinging the door open, natigilan ako. Standing there was my brother. Sa postura niya, halatang nagitla rin siya. His hand was in a ball of fist, umaamba ng pagkatok. Our eyes met. Pareho kaming natigilan. Unlike the usual days, he wasn't in his clean suit. He was wearing a white shirt which he tucked inside a drawstring trouser. Basa rin ang buhok niya, halatang bagong ligo.
"Kuya..." I almost whispered.
I'll be very frank. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko siya pakikitunguhan. I don't even know how to feel. Fine, Chelzie guilt-tripped me. And I was. Fine too, na pareho kaming may mali. We both bursted out na naging super insensitive na kami sa feelings ng isa't isa. I slapped him. He left me with hurtful remarks. Dapat ko bang ipakita na guilty ako? Paano?
"Kanina ka pa diyan?"
His lips parted a bit. May gusto atang sabihin. Kaso ilang segundo na siyang nakatitig sa 'kin. Kumunot ang noo ko. I thought he has something to say, pero pinagdiin niya lang ulit ang mga labi niya. He's confusing as he was. He was being so vague.
"Kuya?"
He sighed, shaking his head. "Ngayon lang."
Ngumiti ako. "I'll go ahead. Meals are served already. Kumain ka muna bago pumasok."
Hindi niya 'ko pinigilan nang lampasan ko siya. And I have to admit, nadismaya ako. Slightly. I was quite expecting him to do the other way around. Pero sobra na ata 'yon. Maybe... I was really the one who should do the humbling.
"Blaire, sandali lang!"
Hindi pa man ako nakakababa, natigilan na ako. Mariin akong pumikit, praying that this will turn out well. I don't want to have another petty squabble with him. Not this time.
Nilingon ko siya ulit, wearing that awkward smile.
"Yes, kuya?"
"A-Are you up to somewhere?"
I nodded. "Pupuntahan ko si Levi."
In a snap, his expression changed. Biglang... dumilim.
"You'll what?"
"I'm about to visit Levi, Kuya. Pupunta akong ospital."
"How about Madame Eliza? You know-"
"That she loathed me. She doesn't want me for her grandson. She doesn't like to see me. Yes. Alam ko 'yon."
"Then-"
"But," I cut him off, may diin. "You also know that when it comes to Levi, no one can stop me. If I managed to disobey Dad, ngayon pa ba ako matatakot sa iba?"
"Blaire..."
I nodded. "She was out for business with her team. Ayaw ko pa rin naman ng gulo. I made sure na wala siya r'on at sisiguraduhin ko ring aalis ako bago siya dumating."
His face softened. "Blaire, please..."
"Kuya, look. I had enough with our argument last time. I was guilty. But please? Let's tone down muna..." He bowed his head down. Ngumiti ako at humakbang palapit. I held him on his shoulders, nag-angat siya ng tingin. "I know it isn't easy. We're both at fault. And I know we're both sorry. We'll try to fix this, okay? Pero hindi madali. For the mean time... habang hindi pa tayo totally maayos, can we just... reconcile and avoid arguments like this?"
For a moment, he's deeply staring at me like he was able to read what was going on inside my head. Bakas ang pagod sa mga mata niya. I smiled, assuring him that we'll be fine. He grasped for air and hardly blew it out.
"Okay, let me offer you a ride."
Hindi na ako nagmatigas. Kakasabi ko lang na gusto kong magkasundo kami. At least, iwasan muna namin ang pagkontra sa isa't isa. The damage was done. Apektado ako, apektado siya, si Chelzie, pati ang mga tao sa paligid namin. Sabi ko nga, it is hard to take back the words that are already said. We can't undo what happened. Hindi naman siya basta-basta mabubura. The best thing we could do is to make-up for it. To try. Para linisin ang kalat at ayusin ang nasira. Pero tulad nga ng sabi ko, it wasn't easy.
While we were inside his Bugatti Veyron, silence reigned over us. Ang sabi ko sa sarili ko, hindi ako magsasalita hangga't hindi niya 'ko kakausapin. We can't just pretend as if we're good. Obvious naman na hindi. Pero mas okay na 'to. Kaysa naman nagtatalo kami.
"Sumama ka raw sa palengke kahapon?" he broke the silence.
I took a glance of him. "Yeah, I got bored, so..."
Hindi na siya nagsalita. I suddenly want to know what he was thinking. I know he was just refraining himself from giving comments. Gusto ko tuloy malaman kung okay lang ba sa kaniya 'yon o hindi.
Levi was alone inside his room. Tita Martha left a note na babalik din siya. That time, kasama na niya si Madame Eliza. Tulad ni Ate Faye, she assured me na itetext niya 'ko 'pag papunta na sila. That will serve as my cue to leave. Tulad ko, kilala rin nila si Madame. We all knew na hindi niya palalampasin ang pagkakataon na hindi ako makausap. Baka nga hindi lang usap. Iniiwasan lang din siguro nila Tita na magpang-abot kami sa harap ni Levi.
Sinulit ko ang oras sa pagkausap, paghaplos, at pagtitig kay Levi. I missed him so much. Nakakadurog ng puso para sa 'kin na uuwi akong ganito. I spent my two years wanting to see him without barriers. Palagi na lang kasing may screen na pumapagitan sa 'ming dalawa. How cruel it was na ngayong nasa harap ko na siya, gan'to naman ang kalagayan niya.
Nakatulugan ko ang pagbabantay kay Levi. It was 3 in the afternoon nang magtext si Ate Faye. Nasa mansion na raw ang Lola niya. I prepared myself to leave. Nakigamit muna ako ng banyo para maghilamos. Tita Martha was my signal. Nang magtext siya, that was the indication na kailangan ko na talagang umalis.
'Di ko alam kung kailan ulit ako makakabalik. It was true na hindi pa ako handang harapin si Madame. But it was more than true na hindi ko siya matatakasan. I have to be prepared. Sabi ko kay Kuya, I shouldn't be scared. Kasi kung nasuway ko si Dad, bakit ako kakabahan kay Madame?
Pero alam kong kalokohan lang 'yon.
Sa negosyo, kay Dad ako nanliliit. Pero pagdating kay Levi, alam kong si Madame Eliza ang magpapalambot sa tuhod ko. She's always scary. Noon, hindi. She's so kind, parang Lola ko na rin. Kaso para sa kaniya, I was only Levi's best friend. I shouldn't cross the line. Dahil hindi ako si Thaliya. I can't give her the kind of reputation she wants.
Reputation, power, and wealth- funny how it can change people. And even funnier how it can destroy relationships.
I caged myself inside my haven since I went home. Lumabas daw si Kuya kasama si Chelzie. They took a break from work. Bailey's with his groupmates. Super ingay nila sa sala kaya pinaakyat sila ni Manang Beth sa library. They were reviewing daw. Final defense na kasi nila this Friday. Nakuha ko pa silang gawan ng brownies. I wished them good luck and even gave them some tips. 'Di ko nga alam kung saan ko nakuha ang mga pinagsasabi ko. When I was in their shoes, halos masuka rin ako sa kaba.
I fell asleep the same afternoon. Nagising lang ako dahil sa tawag ni Mommy. She didn't prolong the call. May dinner pa daw siya kasama ang isang college friend. Kinamusta niya lang naman kami. She enthusiatically reported too na na-iclose niya na ang deal with Oroscos, gaya ng gusto ni Daddy. I guess she'll be home, kung 'di bukas, sa susunod na araw. I was excited to see her kaso nga lang, bigla kong naalala si Daddy. I don't think alam na ni Mommy ang tungkol sa hindi niya pag-uwi. Sobrang pagpipigil ang ginawa ko para hindi masabi sa kaniya. Knowing Dad, ayaw niyang pinapangunahan siya. So I did what I have to. I kept mum and let Dad explain everything to her.
"Okay na daw kayo?" tanong sa 'kin ni Chelzie.
Kuya Zuriel brought her here after their so-called date. I was currently brushing my teeth samantalang siya, walang hiyang nakatayo sa pintuan at pinapanood ako.
I gargled my mouth with warm water and threw it out.
"Kanino mo naman nalaman 'yan?" tanong ko habang binabanlawan ang bibig.
"Kanino pa ba? 'E 'di sa kuya mo, duh!"
Natigilan ako. Kuya told her that?
Binalikan ko ang naging pag-uusap namin kanina. He insisted to drive me on my way to St. Joseph. Kinausap niya rin ako casually sa sasakyan. Hinayaan niya rin ako na bumisita kay Levi, though I knew that in the deepest core of his soul, ayaw niya talaga.
"He even told me that he offered you a ride. See? I told you, Blaire. He really cares for you."
If it was my old naive mindset, iisipin ko na si Chelzie ang dahilan kung bakit niya ginawa 'yon. He wanted her to stop worrying and quit involving herself. Kaso nakakasawa nang maging pessimist. I just realized, hindi naman nakakatulong ang pagiging nega para mabawasan ang problema ko. So if it was really for Chelzie or not, bahala na. At least, we're improving.
"Okay naman na kayo, 'di ba?"
I closed the faucet and grabbed my clean towel. I wiped it to my face while trying my best to make her understand what was really happening.
"We're civil. Pero nag-usap kami kanina. I told him we'll reconcile. Or at least, minimize the disagreement. As much as possible sana. Ang pangit naman kasi na hindi na nga kami gaanong nag-uusap, tapos kapag nag-uusap kami, nagtatalo pa."
I threw the towel inside the laundry basket and went out. She walked behind me.
"Tama rin naman. But how I wish na maging okay na talaga kayo. 'Yung as in, wala na talagang gap. Mas okay 'yon 'di ba?"
"But we can't force it, you know. Hindi naman 'yun basta-basta lang na porque sinabing okay na, move on na, gano'n na talaga. It takes time-"
"And effort," she interrupted. "Nag-eeffort naman ba kayo para magkaayos?"
Natigilan ako. Effort? Paanong effort? Do I have to act bane in his ass everyday? Bibili ako ng cake with apology note? Magluluto ako tapos kunwari siya ang gusto kong unang humusga? Hindi ko alam. I don't even know kung anong gusto niya. Si Chelzie? Ibabalot ko? I don't really know. Ni kiliti nga niya hindi ko alam kung saan.
"See? Hindi enough na nagpromise lang kayo sa isa't isa that you will minimize the disagreement. Ano? Kapag nagtatalo lang ba kayo nag-uusap? And now that you swore to reconcile, hindi niyo na kakausapin ang isa't isa?"
Kumuha ako ng suklay at naupo sa ox chair. Agad sumabog ang buhok ko nang tumapat ako sa bintana. The night air was between warm and cold. Na-miss ko tuloy ang snow sa Seoul. Winter pa man din ngayon doon.
"Hindi naman sa gano'n... I mean." I tried to think of any logic para depensahan ang sarili ko. At the end, I sighed, tama siya. "I'll try."
She clicked her tongue. "You have to." Naupo siya sa dulo ng kama ko. "Alam niyo, para na 'kong sirang plaka. Bakit hindi na lang natin papuntahin dito si Zuriel para magkaro'n kayo ng open forum? Ako na ang counselor, dali. Tutal lahat naman ng sinasabi ko sa 'yo, sinabi ko na rin sa kaniya. Paulit-ulit lang ako, girl."
"Open forum? Kadiri ka."
"Anong kadiri do'n? Magsasabi lang naman kayo ng hinanakit sa isa't isa. Walang samaan ng loob. Real talk lang. Para naman maintindihan niyo ang isa't isa. Kasi alam mo, pansin ko sa inyong magkakapatid? Kulang kayo sa communication. Nakukumpleto lang ata kayo kapag may special gatherings. Sige nga, when was the last time na kumain kayong tatlo nang sabay?"
Umiwas ako ng tingin. May punto na naman siya. But there was a reason behind it. Valid naman. Magkakaiba kami ng schedule. When I was in college, hectic ang schedule ko. Hindi ako nakakasabay kumain sa kanila. And Kuya was busy too, lalo na no'ng grumaduate siya. I can only see Dad sa bahay siguro... trice a week? Twice? Palagi siyang nasa ibang lugar. Si Mommy, kung hindi nauutusang makipagmeet sa kung sino-sinong tao, she's with her friends. Same goes with Bailey. Kung 'di busy sa school, he'd rather be with friends. Walang nagbago kahit pagkagraduate ko. We're always like that. Lalo pa pag-alis ko.
"Kahit two years ago, Blaire. Hindi nangyari 'yon."
She stood up para bunutin ang phone ko sa charger. She then walked back to bed, plumped herself down, and unlocked my phone. I rolled my eyes when she started to take selfies like she owned every inch of it.
"No offense ah. Pero kung may pamilya lang ako? Naku, ayokong magaya sa inyo."
She kept on taking selfies. Mapait akong ngumiti.
It is true that there are really some parts of ourlives that no one could touch. Some untold stories that we never want to bring up. 'Yung mga bahagi ng buhay natin na gusto na lang natin burahin. And I really feel grateful dahil may taong pinagkatiwala 'yon sa 'kin. She made me an exception to no one. Now... I was carrying a part of her skeleton and I will always feel obliged to share the burden with her.
Nakarinig ako bigla ng kaluskos sa baba. Carrying the pleats between my brows, sinilip ko iyon. There, I saw a silhouette of a girl, hiding behind the tall grass. Naka-arko ang likod nito, may sinisilip na kung ano... o kung sino?
Umuwang ang bibig ko.
Si Margarette.
I followed her line of vision. Halos malaglag ako pababa nang makita kung sino. She was gazing at Jehoram who was actually talking to Bailey. May kasama rin silang isang babae. They were laughing at each other na parang matagal na silang magkakakilala. Bailey seemed comfortable with him. He even tapped Jehoram's shoulder. The girl's mouth was blabbering and they looked interested. Kung 'di ako nagkakamali, kagrupo siya ni Bailey
"Huy! Para kang nakakita ng multo diyan!" Napatingin ako kay Chelzie. Binitiwan niya ang cellphone ko, may balak pang lumapit. "Kulang na lang tumalon ka pababa. Ano bang meron? Patingin nga!"
Nanlaki ang mga mata ko. Before she could come near, maagap ko nang sinara ang bintana at kurtina. Hindi ko rin alam kung bakit. Adrenaline rush?
Chelzie's chinky eyes became narrower. "My bestfriend looks like a badass criminal caught in a crime scene. Bakit kaya?" She surveyed my face, tapos ang bintana.
"What are you saying?" I laughed, pero mas napansin niya ata ang pagiging uneasy ko. "You know what? I think Kuya's looking for you na. You should go."
"If he really is looking for me-"
And her mouth hang open nang may kumatok sa pinto. She groaned, napabuga naman ako ng hangin. It was a relief. Kaya naman kinuha ko ang opportunity para makatakas sa kaniya. I hate being interrogated. Lalo na sa mga bagay na 'di naman big deal. Bahala siyang 'di makatulog sa kakaisip.
Kuya Zuriel invited me for dinner. Kasama raw si Bailey at ang groupmates nito. I was about to decline dahil gusto ko nang magpahinga, but Chelzie won't stop nagging. Kinurot pa niya 'ko sa tagiliran dahil ang arte ko raw. Kulang na lang magkatotoo ang sinabi ni Jehoram. My eyes getting paralyzed sa kakaikot. I racked my head.
So I had no choice but to nod. She rejoiced, nginitian lang ako ni Kuya. Maybe it isn't bad. Kasama si Bailey. I'll take the chance para patunayan kay Chelzie that we're all good. Kahit busy.
But I never knew that it was going to be a day full of regrets.
Upon reaching the dining hall, I froze. Hindi dahil sa napakaraming putahe, kun'di dahil sa isang pamilyar na lalaki. I never thought he would stay. Akala ko... dumaan lang siya. Tapos pauwi na. Then there he was, laughing his heart out habang nag-aagawan ang mga bata sa atensyon niya.
"Wag po kayong ganiyan, Kuya! Hindi na yan makakatulog mamaya."
"Worse, baka hindi na makapag-aral yan! Naku Christine ah, ayaw naming bumagsak."
"Ate Blaire!"
They were all engaged sa sariling conversation. Si Keith lang ang nakapansin sa 'kin. Ang lakas ng pagsigaw niya, napabaling tuloy sila sa gawi namin. I averted my gaze from the people in the dining table. Tinuon ko na lang kay Kuya Zuriel. He held his fiancee's waist, tapos pinaghila pa ng upuan. The girls giggled. Ngumiti naman nang matamis si Chelzie. Umikot ang mga mata ko. Gustong-gusto rin.
"Hi..."
I blinked, nabigla sa presensya ni Jehoram. He was standing in front of me. Too close. Nakakailang. Nginitian niya 'ko bago siya lumayo nang kaunti, lumapit sa mesa. 'Di ko alam kung anong ekspresyon ang dapat kong suotin. Sabi ko na. Dapat talaga, nagkulong na lang ako sa k'warto.
Jehoram tugged off a chair for me. Kung kanina, kinilig ang mga babae sa gesture ni Kuya, natulala naman sila ngayon. At hindi lang ang mga babae, kun 'di pati si Kuya. Confused ang mga mukha ng groupmates ni Bailey. Pati mga lalaki. Si Bailey naman, nakakunot ang noo. Nagpapalit-palit sa 'min ni Jehoram ang tingin. Chelzie was looking at me. Sa 'kin lang. She even had the guts to grin like she found everything so amusing.
Christine's laugh broke the silence. Nakilala ko na siya. Siya 'yung kasama nina Jehoram kanina.
"Ano ba kayo? Ganiyan lang talaga si Kuya Ram! Gentleman talaga!"
My eyes shifted to Jehoram whose cheeks turned red. Yumuko siya, tinatago ang pamumula. But Bailey's groupmates were keen. They kept on teasing him, mas pinamulahan tuloy siya.
Naupo na 'ko sa tabi ni Chelzie. Christine was right. We shouldn't be affected by his gestures. Normal na 'yon. Gentleman talaga siya, fine. Napangiwi ako. If I wasn't named Madison Blaire, baka isa rin ako sa mga babaeng pwedeng ma-misinterpret ang kilos niya. Buti na lang. 'Di naman ako gano'n kababaw.
Disadvantage na rin siguro. They were often misunderstood. When the man was too gentle, girls wouldn't be able to figure out if she was really a rare gem to him or she's just one of those common stones he was treating like a precious one. Kasi ang mga gentleman, walang pinipili. Kahit anong klaseng babae ka. Kahit maghubad ka pa sa harap niya. He will always find you precious. At the same time, gentlemen were vague. Confusing.
Habang kumakain, patuloy pa rin ang kulitan nila. They kept on teasing Jehoram. Kahit minsan, pansin ko na ang nonesense na ng mga batang 'to. Mga nagpapapansin na lang.
He was on my left, sa kanan ko si Chelzie. Nakangising-aso pa rin ang babae. Napansin na siya ni Kuya Zuriel kasi as in, mukha na talaga siyang ewan. Everytime naman na magtatama ang mga mata namin, nang-aasar ang tingin niya. She was driving me nuts, really.
"You didn't tell me you're close with him..." she whispered.
My eyes grew wider. Nilingon ko si Chelzie. She was pretending to be busy sa pag-iislice ng beef. Suot pa rin niya ang nakakairitang ngisi. Don't get me wrong, I love seeing her happy but seriously, I hate how her smiles were poking mullock at me!
Sa inis, marahas kong tinapakan ang isang paa niya sa ilalim ng mesa.
"Ouch!"
Her shrieked caught the attention of everyone, lalo na ang kay Kuya. Pangiwi-ngiwi tuloy siya, cursing me under her breath.
"Are you okay?" Dinaluhan siya ni Kuya.
"Y-Yes. May kumagat lang na langgam sa binti ko." She secretly threw daggers at me.
Inirapan ko siya. I wasn't raised stupid. Alam ko 'yang ginagawa niya. If she was trying to tease me sa lalaking ito, she must stop it. I was already engaged and being linked to someone I barely knew wasn't funny!
After the embarrasing ruckus that Chelzie made, everything went back to normal. O baka ako lang ang hindi. I was uneasy. Halos hindi mapakali ang paa ko sa ilalim ng mesa. Gusto ko nang umakyat. I hate the way how observant Bailey was. Hindi man lang siya nag-effort na itago ang curiosity niya. Talagang obvious siya kung makatingin. Hindi ko alam kung ako lang ba, or ramdam din ni Jehoram 'yon. Pero tingin ko hindi. He even had the belly to put rice on my plate.
"I'm on a diet." I frowned.
Stubborn him, hindi niya ako pinakinggan. Nakipag-asaran lang siya sa groupmates ni Bailey. Parang sila lang ang nag-eenjoy sa dinner na 'to. Tsaka si Chelzie na rin. Sumulyap ako kay Kuya. Halos mabuwal ako sa kinauupuan ko. He was looking on my plate. Na parang may mali. Tapos nag-angat siya sa 'kin ng tingin. He smiled.
I wasn't feeling good about it. Alam ko kung anong iniisip nila. They putting malice between me and Jehoram. Parang pinupulupot ang mga bituka ko. It was as if... accusing me of cheating. Na parang... they were having an inkling na pwede ngang gano'n. And I hate the feeling. A big part of me hated it kapag nagiging sakim sa reputasyon ang pamilya ko. But this was way different. Ayokong may nag-iisip sa 'kin ng gano'n. Kahit pa hinala lang. It doesn't feel good.
I gulped the water. Bibilisan ko na lang ang pagkain. Then I'll excuse myself. Gusto ko nang magpahinga.
"You seem so close with these kids, Jehoram. Do you know each other?"
Jehoram was about to answer my Kuya's query, kung 'di lang humalakhak si Christine.
"Actually, ako lang po talaga ang kilala ni Kuya Ram. He's just so friendly kaya they clicked na rin."
"Oh! So you're close with Jehoram? Why? Is he a close relative or what?" Chelzie included herself to the conversation.
"Hindi po!" Christine chuckled. "The truth is, bestfriend po si Kuya Ram ng Ate ko. Madalas po kasi akong sinasama ni Ate Daisy sa church nila kaya 'yun... nakilala ko po si Kuya Ram."
"Church?"
She nodded. "Sa church po."
"Wow! If that's the case," Chelzie looked at me. "Sobrang close pala ng Ate mo at nitong si Jehoram to the point na sabay pa silang nagsisimba."
Christine laughed again. "I will not deny the fact the they are close to each other because they really are. Hindi nga lang po sabay na nagsisimba. They also love serving the Almighty together. That's their common denominator."
"What do you mean?" Kunot ang noo ni Bailey.
He, then, fixed his gaze at me. Pinaglalaruan niya ang baso ng tubig. Si Kuya naman, nakatuon lang ang mga mata sa plato, pero alam kong nakikinig siya. Chelzie's eyes were shifting, minsan kay Christine, o kaya kay Jehoram, madalas sa 'kin. Halos hindi ako makalunok. When I took a quick look sa kaliwa ko, naintindihan ko na kung bakit.
The confused faces...
It was because of him. He was looking at me. Intently. Na para bang... inaabangan niya ang reaksyon ko.
And that's when I felt my heart dancing... it was bouncing to an unfamiliar rhythm, to a song it wasn't used to.
"Ate Daisy is a choir member. Mahilig talaga siyang kumanta, lahat kaya niya, kahit ano! She's really a Goddess of worship songs. Tsaka si Ate... naniniwala siya na bigay daw ni God ang talent niya. Kaya 'yun. She's using her voice to serve Him. Si Kuya Ram naman," she smiled sweetly to him, "Kuya Ram is a sacristan. Palagi silang magkasama ni Ate. They're both good at it. Like my Ate, Kuya Ram serves God whole-heartedly, passionately, and he's really really proud of it."
My jaw dropped. Seconds weren't enough to process what she just have said. I can't even take my eyes off of her. Hindi ko magawang kumurap.
Christine's eyes were fixed on mine. She smiled. Like she wanted to pierce every word to my mind.
"See? Ate Daisy and Kuya Ram are really perfect for each other."
Yeah, right.
My heart was dancing explosively on a damn dangerous fire.
***
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If we live, we live to the Lord. And if we die, we die to the Lord. Therefore, whether we live or die, we are the Lord's.
