I feel myself wringing my hands in my lap while pretending to focus on the untouched margarita sitting directly in front of me. My leggings are becoming frayed and I decide to mentally pick off the fuzzy bits so that maybe, just maybe, I can relax.350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ56OMOwe5x0
It doesn’t work, so I decide to try to count the seeds floating around in my strawberry margarita before I realize how ridiculous I’m being. 350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmooOmDjkft
It’s New Year’s Eve!350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS1yDZwcasG
Wynn is emphatic as ever—her arms are outstretched as she explains how big the rat family she saw in the subway was. I decide to focus on her and get out of my own head.350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpwhRNeKAiN
“I’m talking HUGE. And they were kinda cute! I thought about taking one home, actually. But I didn’t want to break up the family, and c’mon. Who needs four rats?”350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz42gs7UnDM
Our friend group groans in unison and I think that’s my cue. I grab my hefty margarita and stand, opting for the balcony to grab some fresh air and to not think about rat families.350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGzGdWvTGH3
“Rozz? Don’t think you’re about to leave us to deal with Wynn’s stories!” Mira shouts as I make my way around the bar. I turn around and shoot her smile and yell back, “I wouldn’t dream of it!”350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGvnGHqo7Y0
My margarita sloshes in my hand as I expertly navigate through the crowd and fight not to look for you-know-who.350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRBDAjV5KVe
Wait. I guess you don’t know. 350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEouqpaK85D
I’m new to this storytelling thing, so be patient with me! He’s kinda the reason I’m so in my own head tonight. I was just expecting things to go so differently and here I am—going into the new year being the same ball of trepidation and anxiety. I want to be different. I want to be bold and confident. Wynn, Mira, all of my friends really, are go-getters. Confidence oozes off of them in vibrant waves while my insecurities feel glued to my skin.350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnLyQI7riBR
I’m outside before I realize it, my inner dialogue navigating me better than any auto pilot ever could. The railing of the balcony is adorned with fairy lights and I take extra care to lean my elbow in a vacant space before peering over the edge.350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBK9fb1znXF
We’re on the 16th floor and I feel like I can see the world’s perimeter from here. Something about being up high on New Year’s Eve night while being romantically depressed feels oddly magical. I feel like if I were to jump, I’d float.350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP2bGfl31Oa
God, what the hell am I thinking?350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQj4UJ2ViJB
I close my eyes and take a giant sip of my drink. Clearly I’m in need. Why did I reschedule my appointment with my therapist? Maybe—350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB4ZSMWB1pz
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC0l7LhRvJa
“Rozz, Rozz, Rozz. I’ve found you.”350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrSDuMnN82c
I inhale and keep it there, shutting my eyes even tighter. I’m not ready. God, I’m not ready at all. My anxiety is so deep and palpable that I can see it melting into my skin in layers. 350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHAk49PQdHE
Why did I come here?350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8tva2SiG8c
I’m so pathetic. He’s my light, my lantern. I look to him even knowing he’s way too hot for me to touch and come out unscathed.350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpQXWMFQHIu
I reach for him knowing that my hand will forever be outstretched, waiting for the warmth that only he can bring. I’m nothing more than a moth predestined to a scorching, unremarkable death.350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ14AeCc8C07
I force the exhale out, plaster on a fake smile and turn around.350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFU4tC8PVeY
“So you have! You've been having fun, Ezra?”350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPkkGnfqtEd
My voice comes out unnaturally high pitched and squeaky and I groan inwardly. I’ve got to get myself under control.350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuCvZFiN1nt
Ezra leans against the balcony next to me, beer in tow, regarding me with a look I’m pretty unfamiliar with. After demanding eye contact with a gaze that could pierce any barrier, he finally speaks.350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvQGvuAeTU3
“You’ve been avoiding me, Rozz.”350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlpfL3178G4
Fuck.350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMA2cUHxhXv
Always to the point, that Ezra. I’d been avoiding the fucker all night and of course he notices. Why does it matter anyway? The rumor mill (my friends) definitely said that Nadia had kissed him and he seemed pretty into it. What else did we have to discuss?350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc8cNSGLskx
We’re just friends, anyway. Always have been. Always will be. I’m the one that messed up and fell in love. I didn’t want this.350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMXO9fQOcgQ
My hand finds itself back on my leggings, plucking away.. I watch as his eyes follow the movement. I try to focus on the strawberry flavor of the margarita that’s still on my tongue. It’s my favorite one, I think. 350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsY9SM3unmv
What do I even say back?350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSnFcJpyzyx
Lie?350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡywci7TAxzF
“What? I’d never.”350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNkMJfw74EH
I smile and push the straw out of the way to guzzle my drink. I need the extra fuel. Yum, more strawberries.350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjCuHV9o7sY
Ezra smiles lazily and takes a sip of his beer.350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHrJglMXTJq
“I gotta say. Lying and then chugging your drink doesn’t really sell it. Maybe workshop that for next time.”350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1sbr5aJSHr
Okay, so lying didn’t work.350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSShJJbtbUo
I almost choke on my drink as laughter erupts from me and I punch him in the shoulder.350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnRo5YwlnfX
“Here’s a thought. You could’ve just let the lie fly?”350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy568HutDIT
He chuckles and adjusts his glasses before regarding me more seriously once more.350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhTaR0Sxlm9
“Or you could not lie to me? What’s going on?”350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡurH7v0zAU3
The way his voice drips with concern for me makes my heart pulse and ache. My eyes focus on his lips for a moment before flickering back up to his eyes. He has no idea how emotionally devastated I am and his genuine concern is making me want to vomit. Or maybe it was the margarita. 350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7Fgqx2QQiS
I can’t take it.350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUOl0U6BQxI
My drink now completely empty, I begin to make my way back inside. The sudden movement causes warmth to go to my tummy and fog to my brain. Oh god, I’m buzzed. I can’t be alone with him like this.350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9I4quAl7cK
“Why don’t we get more drinks? Also the countdown will probably–”350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNPDrkW8q4M
I’m cut off by him wrapping his hand around my forearm and gently pulling me toward him.350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqDI2zF6nzu
“We can do the countdown out here.”350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9FXMHc6C81
Oh, he’s definitely been drinking. He’s never been this forward before. 350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9luo02WMeh
I swallow.350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjcuL3tmJP9
“Just the two of us?”350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4FOde0RPe9
“Is being alone with me suddenly so bad?”350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAcrWSpe6yG
“How many beers have you had, Ezra?”350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIhdRtLILx8
“Why does it matter?”350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt6NxvtLE18
I can smell him and I feel my eyes fight to flutter close. Shit.350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr4W8RyzWVj
He repositions his hand further down my arm and grabs my hand. I guess he thinks I’m going to make a run for it.350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡurL5rogs0v
“Okay, okay. It doesn’t matter. But since we’re out here, how are you? How have things been with–”350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzrA3YayuDy
“Rozzlyn.”350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡskV2Ua8d03
The way he says my name makes my entire body tingle. It was almost a whisper, a secret that wrapped around only us and made me fall even further.350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1objLEU2w5
I lick my lips out of nervousness and watch as his eyes follow my tongue.350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCxyD4iujuP
Jesus Christ.350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtm8Kmggpat
Why isn’t he looking for Nadia?350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLiNmTIu9T3
“Ezra, I just..I can’t talk about it with you.”350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqzDVb1MH1V
His eyebrows furrow.350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1rQKheEJsk
“Why not? We’ve always talked about everything. Why is this different?”350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm7px7BxjjB
“Because this is about you and it’s my problem to deal with.”350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY8P1dj9xsa
“What does that mean?”350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQcEoQWphXL
“Where’s Nadia?”350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ84aQY4FpOy
I regret it as soon as I ask. I couldn’t help myself. Nadia is a damn scab that I can’t not pick, knowing the wound will only deepen because of it.350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwsy8P19BH5
Ezra genuinely looks surprised and for some reason, it makes me irritated.350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUzsOTivX4U
“What? Why are you asking about Nadia so suddenly? And why would I know?”350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLil4vqs06F
I can’t hide my irritation at this point so I huff and step away from his grasp.350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl3grj9RXE9
“Isn’t she your girlfriend? Or do you just kiss anybody?”350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5n0TOvFJSb
I’m becoming uglier and uglier and I hate myself. I feel the warmth of the margarita loosening my lips and at this point, I just want another one. I might as well drown in my desolation.350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq06iv2HWLK
It’s all I’m worth.350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRiwrv69pfC
I’m spiraling so fast but I encourage it. I feel the familiar black hole of despair starting at my feet to engulf me whole and I close my eyes and prepare to be overtaken. I will never be good enough for Ezra, for anyone. I don’t even like myself. I pretend to be charming, to be bubbly, to be mentally well, just so that no one finds out the truth. 350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ5JjIn30LG
I’m empty.350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2pjqVRF4wi
The black hole reaches my arms at this point and I smile sadly. I’ll just mentally retreat back into my familiar nothingness. I finally feel at peace about all of this. 350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt3ZuMZXsCp
Before the black hole gets to my neck, I feel Ezra slowly cradle my face and look at me like he sees me. His thumbs are wiping at my cheeks and I realize I’m crying. He tilts his head and leans his forehead against mine.350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAmARmBaguq
“You stupid, stupid woman.”350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqULhYz3cJc
His lips marry mine and time stops. There is no bar, there is no balcony, there is no Nadia. 350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgGU1wYPD7m
The black hole begins to retreat and my heartbeat is echoing in my ears.350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxtKibsHcfQ
Is this real?350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQK40FC8Nxg
He pulls away but our noses are still touching.350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXyABfpuk2i
“You don’t have the right to be jealous, Rozz. I’ve been in love with you for years and now you decide to be jealous of Nadia of all people? She kissed me and I pushed her away. You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting just to be seen by you. I notice when you try out a new lotion, when you fixate on a new favorite color, when you’re in a depressive spiral…”350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL6EE0cSuvl
I’m still too speechless to speak, but I feel my hands warm up with embarrassment. I should really call my therapist…350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIWeLl0Uxqd
He leans forward and marries our lips again, this time for much longer. I can’t hide my eagerness and I nip, lick and bite at him until he groans. His arms wrap around my sides, tickling the skin under my sweater and I lean further into him. Our tongues take turns exploring the other’s mouth in long, languid, licks.350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhVRd9jkBva
“You’re making me love strawberries, Rozz…” 350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfGaARfbvo4
I pull away and bury my face in my hands.350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo22RFwMiGu
“I can’t believe you…feel the same way..”350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnFxENiLe0K
Ezra pulls my hands away and looks at me while chuckling.350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsRtEXf9QUG
“I felt this way first. I've just been waiting for you to love me back.”350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrTyOUXn09x
We hear people beginning to countdown and I look at my phone.350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPFrzZDZVqX
“11:59. I love you back, Ezra. I love you so much, it hurts.”350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnfurYvypMG
Everyone shouts “HAPPY NEW YEAR!”350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0XJ8wHaWIe
I wrap my hands around his neck and I promise myself that I will kiss him until I die.350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNWMOHOjduF
I’ve never wanted anything more.
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡihDKzMfzoh
