I feel myself wringing my hands in my lap while pretending to focus on the untouched margarita sitting directly in front of me. My leggings are becoming frayed and I decide to mentally pick off the fuzzy bits so that maybe, just maybe, I can relax.379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡamIPvT6MAl
It doesn’t work, so I decide to try to count the seeds floating around in my strawberry margarita before I realize how ridiculous I’m being. 379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡav0x6jQWVj
It’s New Year’s Eve!379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUKHtv1OmGS
Wynn is emphatic as ever—her arms are outstretched as she explains how big the rat family she saw in the subway was. I decide to focus on her and get out of my own head.379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTqfMrH3frW
“I’m talking HUGE. And they were kinda cute! I thought about taking one home, actually. But I didn’t want to break up the family, and c’mon. Who needs four rats?”379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg2fVtXaBlu
Our friend group groans in unison and I think that’s my cue. I grab my hefty margarita and stand, opting for the balcony to grab some fresh air and to not think about rat families.379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB95zSfGYpt
“Rozz? Don’t think you’re about to leave us to deal with Wynn’s stories!” Mira shouts as I make my way around the bar. I turn around and shoot her smile and yell back, “I wouldn’t dream of it!”379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIUwvSFtEN4
My margarita sloshes in my hand as I expertly navigate through the crowd and fight not to look for you-know-who.379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5S7MF3NG2b
Wait. I guess you don’t know. 379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBnO41fLxtw
I’m new to this storytelling thing, so be patient with me! He’s kinda the reason I’m so in my own head tonight. I was just expecting things to go so differently and here I am—going into the new year being the same ball of trepidation and anxiety. I want to be different. I want to be bold and confident. Wynn, Mira, all of my friends really, are go-getters. Confidence oozes off of them in vibrant waves while my insecurities feel glued to my skin.379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ4hjG64IjD
I’m outside before I realize it, my inner dialogue navigating me better than any auto pilot ever could. The railing of the balcony is adorned with fairy lights and I take extra care to lean my elbow in a vacant space before peering over the edge.379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0UYYnq4DTp
We’re on the 16th floor and I feel like I can see the world’s perimeter from here. Something about being up high on New Year’s Eve night while being romantically depressed feels oddly magical. I feel like if I were to jump, I’d float.379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxldINhtDoY
God, what the hell am I thinking?379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXWyGh2Rr7k
I close my eyes and take a giant sip of my drink. Clearly I’m in need. Why did I reschedule my appointment with my therapist? Maybe—379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSLCEMi1sHu
379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi98Szw8Ot0
“Rozz, Rozz, Rozz. I’ve found you.”379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2fbSq0dwnr
I inhale and keep it there, shutting my eyes even tighter. I’m not ready. God, I’m not ready at all. My anxiety is so deep and palpable that I can see it melting into my skin in layers. 379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmMc8pBi7gw
Why did I come here?379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW6uGjF7p62
I’m so pathetic. He’s my light, my lantern. I look to him even knowing he’s way too hot for me to touch and come out unscathed.379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSNmzivbo77
I reach for him knowing that my hand will forever be outstretched, waiting for the warmth that only he can bring. I’m nothing more than a moth predestined to a scorching, unremarkable death.379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2RXOIBcPmL
I force the exhale out, plaster on a fake smile and turn around.379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡShL1SZfsk6
“So you have! You've been having fun, Ezra?”379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe31lJPJIBs
My voice comes out unnaturally high pitched and squeaky and I groan inwardly. I’ve got to get myself under control.379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm5tuV2uDHQ
Ezra leans against the balcony next to me, beer in tow, regarding me with a look I’m pretty unfamiliar with. After demanding eye contact with a gaze that could pierce any barrier, he finally speaks.379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeCYAQlOat5
“You’ve been avoiding me, Rozz.”379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv08A8E6hPa
Fuck.379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQNkvH8kNDH
Always to the point, that Ezra. I’d been avoiding the fucker all night and of course he notices. Why does it matter anyway? The rumor mill (my friends) definitely said that Nadia had kissed him and he seemed pretty into it. What else did we have to discuss?379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYr5t5QIPdX
We’re just friends, anyway. Always have been. Always will be. I’m the one that messed up and fell in love. I didn’t want this.379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfMy4b50sSq
My hand finds itself back on my leggings, plucking away.. I watch as his eyes follow the movement. I try to focus on the strawberry flavor of the margarita that’s still on my tongue. It’s my favorite one, I think. 379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYe61f0Ydki
What do I even say back?379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡob2pT9kVul
Lie?379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxYpZbjmpze
“What? I’d never.”379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiW6iux5I6Y
I smile and push the straw out of the way to guzzle my drink. I need the extra fuel. Yum, more strawberries.379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6tyzyyy84x
Ezra smiles lazily and takes a sip of his beer.379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBxniKXldTE
“I gotta say. Lying and then chugging your drink doesn’t really sell it. Maybe workshop that for next time.”379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrvukbqbDwW
Okay, so lying didn’t work.379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaeyI8eCl3p
I almost choke on my drink as laughter erupts from me and I punch him in the shoulder.379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzamGyrKgVm
“Here’s a thought. You could’ve just let the lie fly?”379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzARyX8QEUE
He chuckles and adjusts his glasses before regarding me more seriously once more.379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK93xRgU1Rh
“Or you could not lie to me? What’s going on?”379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN5VJgeK29n
The way his voice drips with concern for me makes my heart pulse and ache. My eyes focus on his lips for a moment before flickering back up to his eyes. He has no idea how emotionally devastated I am and his genuine concern is making me want to vomit. Or maybe it was the margarita. 379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdLXu5hOzFh
I can’t take it.379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcYWcOmrvPW
My drink now completely empty, I begin to make my way back inside. The sudden movement causes warmth to go to my tummy and fog to my brain. Oh god, I’m buzzed. I can’t be alone with him like this.379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSXrN8LyXr4
“Why don’t we get more drinks? Also the countdown will probably–”379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD8zXRon3b4
I’m cut off by him wrapping his hand around my forearm and gently pulling me toward him.379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUVTMEfu6bi
“We can do the countdown out here.”379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbymAyVghrY
Oh, he’s definitely been drinking. He’s never been this forward before. 379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQvac3j0kRp
I swallow.379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdbsoQQnYz6
“Just the two of us?”379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZipvQa9Uxy
“Is being alone with me suddenly so bad?”379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA7BdHMupzP
“How many beers have you had, Ezra?”379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDQa2GqgNXT
“Why does it matter?”379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTgZzV6avCf
I can smell him and I feel my eyes fight to flutter close. Shit.379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1gP2T1IRXt
He repositions his hand further down my arm and grabs my hand. I guess he thinks I’m going to make a run for it.379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWGoGsk05Nr
“Okay, okay. It doesn’t matter. But since we’re out here, how are you? How have things been with–”379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkONqMfarG4
“Rozzlyn.”379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDdvMX92yHo
The way he says my name makes my entire body tingle. It was almost a whisper, a secret that wrapped around only us and made me fall even further.379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI6tuXKl2B0
I lick my lips out of nervousness and watch as his eyes follow my tongue.379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhkJfZCTUeD
Jesus Christ.379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQfr19Mj0c1
Why isn’t he looking for Nadia?379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNrxfX0g4Dd
“Ezra, I just..I can’t talk about it with you.”379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2gbe515fqc
His eyebrows furrow.379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZjmJwrNAHE
“Why not? We’ve always talked about everything. Why is this different?”379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe2w9yQfax3
“Because this is about you and it’s my problem to deal with.”379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ60G2akyBAs
“What does that mean?”379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz28kFspqaU
“Where’s Nadia?”379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVsK9I5cfJT
I regret it as soon as I ask. I couldn’t help myself. Nadia is a damn scab that I can’t not pick, knowing the wound will only deepen because of it.379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡloJ45qr5Av
Ezra genuinely looks surprised and for some reason, it makes me irritated.379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHiZdGtSQ55
“What? Why are you asking about Nadia so suddenly? And why would I know?”379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUKUOZAb2zt
I can’t hide my irritation at this point so I huff and step away from his grasp.379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPoo4N2fMMX
“Isn’t she your girlfriend? Or do you just kiss anybody?”379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7K8ctutVjh
I’m becoming uglier and uglier and I hate myself. I feel the warmth of the margarita loosening my lips and at this point, I just want another one. I might as well drown in my desolation.379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVdb02ihRBR
It’s all I’m worth.379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcK3XRDro4J
I’m spiraling so fast but I encourage it. I feel the familiar black hole of despair starting at my feet to engulf me whole and I close my eyes and prepare to be overtaken. I will never be good enough for Ezra, for anyone. I don’t even like myself. I pretend to be charming, to be bubbly, to be mentally well, just so that no one finds out the truth. 379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuowGSV9vIr
I’m empty.379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfnsQ2KZ6RE
The black hole reaches my arms at this point and I smile sadly. I’ll just mentally retreat back into my familiar nothingness. I finally feel at peace about all of this. 379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjkpFGMsupf
Before the black hole gets to my neck, I feel Ezra slowly cradle my face and look at me like he sees me. His thumbs are wiping at my cheeks and I realize I’m crying. He tilts his head and leans his forehead against mine.379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpcUzAd4EZt
“You stupid, stupid woman.”379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEgWyu5fsUj
His lips marry mine and time stops. There is no bar, there is no balcony, there is no Nadia. 379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKolAfHhR7D
The black hole begins to retreat and my heartbeat is echoing in my ears.379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu7iatbpg64
Is this real?379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOtQymxfM0k
He pulls away but our noses are still touching.379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIvYydWEL7S
“You don’t have the right to be jealous, Rozz. I’ve been in love with you for years and now you decide to be jealous of Nadia of all people? She kissed me and I pushed her away. You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting just to be seen by you. I notice when you try out a new lotion, when you fixate on a new favorite color, when you’re in a depressive spiral…”379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKNO2aBeRKh
I’m still too speechless to speak, but I feel my hands warm up with embarrassment. I should really call my therapist…379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3LFngTYJiW
He leans forward and marries our lips again, this time for much longer. I can’t hide my eagerness and I nip, lick and bite at him until he groans. His arms wrap around my sides, tickling the skin under my sweater and I lean further into him. Our tongues take turns exploring the other’s mouth in long, languid, licks.379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzDvVcU93lM
“You’re making me love strawberries, Rozz…” 379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡizqIw4Bihj
I pull away and bury my face in my hands.379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnsHOyhsQtB
“I can’t believe you…feel the same way..”379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlK4PWQNJVb
Ezra pulls my hands away and looks at me while chuckling.379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnrpmQker70
“I felt this way first. I've just been waiting for you to love me back.”379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbT1JIG8NVg
We hear people beginning to countdown and I look at my phone.379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWSZLmWqyu2
“11:59. I love you back, Ezra. I love you so much, it hurts.”379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeO3nCrigdW
Everyone shouts “HAPPY NEW YEAR!”379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfLgkDZd8LB
I wrap my hands around his neck and I promise myself that I will kiss him until I die.379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK4hCeX4WUL
I’ve never wanted anything more.
379Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTnQFXXJfdY
