I feel myself wringing my hands in my lap while pretending to focus on the untouched margarita sitting directly in front of me. My leggings are becoming frayed and I decide to mentally pick off the fuzzy bits so that maybe, just maybe, I can relax.326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1spJrAoZ4w
It doesn’t work, so I decide to try to count the seeds floating around in my strawberry margarita before I realize how ridiculous I’m being. 326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0WBctOPNIi
It’s New Year’s Eve!326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6025hh3mbL
Wynn is emphatic as ever—her arms are outstretched as she explains how big the rat family she saw in the subway was. I decide to focus on her and get out of my own head.326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgtrmoP1yQA
“I’m talking HUGE. And they were kinda cute! I thought about taking one home, actually. But I didn’t want to break up the family, and c’mon. Who needs four rats?”326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDbbaSRukFD
Our friend group groans in unison and I think that’s my cue. I grab my hefty margarita and stand, opting for the balcony to grab some fresh air and to not think about rat families.326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQLXA3gA7tK
“Rozz? Don’t think you’re about to leave us to deal with Wynn’s stories!” Mira shouts as I make my way around the bar. I turn around and shoot her smile and yell back, “I wouldn’t dream of it!”326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFPx3nSHNPd
My margarita sloshes in my hand as I expertly navigate through the crowd and fight not to look for you-know-who.326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRmFAz75dR6
Wait. I guess you don’t know. 326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRvU5moc0X7
I’m new to this storytelling thing, so be patient with me! He’s kinda the reason I’m so in my own head tonight. I was just expecting things to go so differently and here I am—going into the new year being the same ball of trepidation and anxiety. I want to be different. I want to be bold and confident. Wynn, Mira, all of my friends really, are go-getters. Confidence oozes off of them in vibrant waves while my insecurities feel glued to my skin.326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTS7hFJaL1C
I’m outside before I realize it, my inner dialogue navigating me better than any auto pilot ever could. The railing of the balcony is adorned with fairy lights and I take extra care to lean my elbow in a vacant space before peering over the edge.326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBRJbTASpNt
We’re on the 16th floor and I feel like I can see the world’s perimeter from here. Something about being up high on New Year’s Eve night while being romantically depressed feels oddly magical. I feel like if I were to jump, I’d float.326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn6YXiByOT8
God, what the hell am I thinking?326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9Muyr3Vj7n
I close my eyes and take a giant sip of my drink. Clearly I’m in need. Why did I reschedule my appointment with my therapist? Maybe—326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2KMmE5DXkr
326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzzxhtOeNWT
“Rozz, Rozz, Rozz. I’ve found you.”326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFOdHro65mz
I inhale and keep it there, shutting my eyes even tighter. I’m not ready. God, I’m not ready at all. My anxiety is so deep and palpable that I can see it melting into my skin in layers. 326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmaN2mcN1jU
Why did I come here?326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbDah0AZDg7
I’m so pathetic. He’s my light, my lantern. I look to him even knowing he’s way too hot for me to touch and come out unscathed.326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYZccnuxR3Y
I reach for him knowing that my hand will forever be outstretched, waiting for the warmth that only he can bring. I’m nothing more than a moth predestined to a scorching, unremarkable death.326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqC4IRyXr4B
I force the exhale out, plaster on a fake smile and turn around.326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE418ijjIrg
“So you have! You've been having fun, Ezra?”326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhDJW3ZjyuH
My voice comes out unnaturally high pitched and squeaky and I groan inwardly. I’ve got to get myself under control.326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeFieW92uz1
Ezra leans against the balcony next to me, beer in tow, regarding me with a look I’m pretty unfamiliar with. After demanding eye contact with a gaze that could pierce any barrier, he finally speaks.326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXvlC756i8l
“You’ve been avoiding me, Rozz.”326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfjDYgngDgf
Fuck.326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdAS0TpJyjH
Always to the point, that Ezra. I’d been avoiding the fucker all night and of course he notices. Why does it matter anyway? The rumor mill (my friends) definitely said that Nadia had kissed him and he seemed pretty into it. What else did we have to discuss?326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNrZVHJPtIe
We’re just friends, anyway. Always have been. Always will be. I’m the one that messed up and fell in love. I didn’t want this.326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBYJC9cLmF3
My hand finds itself back on my leggings, plucking away.. I watch as his eyes follow the movement. I try to focus on the strawberry flavor of the margarita that’s still on my tongue. It’s my favorite one, I think. 326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmFrSQK37Yo
What do I even say back?326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2mA27qnShV
Lie?326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSXXP1yVYg0
“What? I’d never.”326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOuCzENIu5L
I smile and push the straw out of the way to guzzle my drink. I need the extra fuel. Yum, more strawberries.326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMPUHzk2iY3
Ezra smiles lazily and takes a sip of his beer.326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0pNq1C7SHq
“I gotta say. Lying and then chugging your drink doesn’t really sell it. Maybe workshop that for next time.”326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFRhlp22gY5
Okay, so lying didn’t work.326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6MtpPg7zUC
I almost choke on my drink as laughter erupts from me and I punch him in the shoulder.326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ2ieEpGIAR
“Here’s a thought. You could’ve just let the lie fly?”326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvMstIakcRR
He chuckles and adjusts his glasses before regarding me more seriously once more.326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDaxRjX0mLH
“Or you could not lie to me? What’s going on?”326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdun57wlVsD
The way his voice drips with concern for me makes my heart pulse and ache. My eyes focus on his lips for a moment before flickering back up to his eyes. He has no idea how emotionally devastated I am and his genuine concern is making me want to vomit. Or maybe it was the margarita. 326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr1DYiYOBhf
I can’t take it.326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1tJJljjpdh
My drink now completely empty, I begin to make my way back inside. The sudden movement causes warmth to go to my tummy and fog to my brain. Oh god, I’m buzzed. I can’t be alone with him like this.326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNpQ3MqMrU1
“Why don’t we get more drinks? Also the countdown will probably–”326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv6eqY5T65u
I’m cut off by him wrapping his hand around my forearm and gently pulling me toward him.326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF6pueRSwLo
“We can do the countdown out here.”326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGZHapXIYBJ
Oh, he’s definitely been drinking. He’s never been this forward before. 326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdDLQONsWfX
I swallow.326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiWTwOzqiKS
“Just the two of us?”326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSgLgz3Cf6E
“Is being alone with me suddenly so bad?”326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKsj1evIDu9
“How many beers have you had, Ezra?”326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzek3hJmD7I
“Why does it matter?”326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7OJgTEZdFf
I can smell him and I feel my eyes fight to flutter close. Shit.326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ747oazfYA6
He repositions his hand further down my arm and grabs my hand. I guess he thinks I’m going to make a run for it.326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRBzh9RY65B
“Okay, okay. It doesn’t matter. But since we’re out here, how are you? How have things been with–”326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO1ZQy67VaB
“Rozzlyn.”326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDp2qQnq5ey
The way he says my name makes my entire body tingle. It was almost a whisper, a secret that wrapped around only us and made me fall even further.326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZvvl6LjAxi
I lick my lips out of nervousness and watch as his eyes follow my tongue.326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6GtLxIbA79
Jesus Christ.326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNDkkCgxpFC
Why isn’t he looking for Nadia?326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgDSXgQUcYc
“Ezra, I just..I can’t talk about it with you.”326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpLOM8pyOG8
His eyebrows furrow.326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoZ8vP19Np6
“Why not? We’ve always talked about everything. Why is this different?”326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPc9yQrZthb
“Because this is about you and it’s my problem to deal with.”326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtMYrIeHvgx
“What does that mean?”326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJxDaBSgVVR
“Where’s Nadia?”326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAmQdCtguyh
I regret it as soon as I ask. I couldn’t help myself. Nadia is a damn scab that I can’t not pick, knowing the wound will only deepen because of it.326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNto4KLtQhf
Ezra genuinely looks surprised and for some reason, it makes me irritated.326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsaxQ19XCgS
“What? Why are you asking about Nadia so suddenly? And why would I know?”326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5JZPr3764z
I can’t hide my irritation at this point so I huff and step away from his grasp.326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5rYXKXuBsp
“Isn’t she your girlfriend? Or do you just kiss anybody?”326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcJQL7tMzgk
I’m becoming uglier and uglier and I hate myself. I feel the warmth of the margarita loosening my lips and at this point, I just want another one. I might as well drown in my desolation.326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡny7V7iLLMJ
It’s all I’m worth.326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK81Pgng6tN
I’m spiraling so fast but I encourage it. I feel the familiar black hole of despair starting at my feet to engulf me whole and I close my eyes and prepare to be overtaken. I will never be good enough for Ezra, for anyone. I don’t even like myself. I pretend to be charming, to be bubbly, to be mentally well, just so that no one finds out the truth. 326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq9KInefYku
I’m empty.326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUjSKT4P4qD
The black hole reaches my arms at this point and I smile sadly. I’ll just mentally retreat back into my familiar nothingness. I finally feel at peace about all of this. 326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSoldnJ0AKg
Before the black hole gets to my neck, I feel Ezra slowly cradle my face and look at me like he sees me. His thumbs are wiping at my cheeks and I realize I’m crying. He tilts his head and leans his forehead against mine.326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLYjEz56UMU
“You stupid, stupid woman.”326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2oTr4Csw1Y
His lips marry mine and time stops. There is no bar, there is no balcony, there is no Nadia. 326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMwwoXPWY8U
The black hole begins to retreat and my heartbeat is echoing in my ears.326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKD76Mndamq
Is this real?326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSpvPOzIyFz
He pulls away but our noses are still touching.326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0MGy3zbI1U
“You don’t have the right to be jealous, Rozz. I’ve been in love with you for years and now you decide to be jealous of Nadia of all people? She kissed me and I pushed her away. You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting just to be seen by you. I notice when you try out a new lotion, when you fixate on a new favorite color, when you’re in a depressive spiral…”326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4b7cKNyTCT
I’m still too speechless to speak, but I feel my hands warm up with embarrassment. I should really call my therapist…326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpaqmO0G42Z
He leans forward and marries our lips again, this time for much longer. I can’t hide my eagerness and I nip, lick and bite at him until he groans. His arms wrap around my sides, tickling the skin under my sweater and I lean further into him. Our tongues take turns exploring the other’s mouth in long, languid, licks.326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEVAUpgrgeU
“You’re making me love strawberries, Rozz…” 326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuoYXhnrvZX
I pull away and bury my face in my hands.326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0u6zZwTPJf
“I can’t believe you…feel the same way..”326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr0T0KtZATP
Ezra pulls my hands away and looks at me while chuckling.326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAAbIv7fOxo
“I felt this way first. I've just been waiting for you to love me back.”326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHEoYdndN5y
We hear people beginning to countdown and I look at my phone.326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpc3rBU5aFB
“11:59. I love you back, Ezra. I love you so much, it hurts.”326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRzqFMcOU6y
Everyone shouts “HAPPY NEW YEAR!”326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2iI2y9k1IT
I wrap my hands around his neck and I promise myself that I will kiss him until I die.326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡacWveVfOrt
I’ve never wanted anything more.
326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJaoUNdt7SN
