I feel myself wringing my hands in my lap while pretending to focus on the untouched margarita sitting directly in front of me. My leggings are becoming frayed and I decide to mentally pick off the fuzzy bits so that maybe, just maybe, I can relax.412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn5geJp4ViP
It doesn’t work, so I decide to try to count the seeds floating around in my strawberry margarita before I realize how ridiculous I’m being. 412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAYkdVniwDG
It’s New Year’s Eve!412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2N0qKL8mK3
Wynn is emphatic as ever—her arms are outstretched as she explains how big the rat family she saw in the subway was. I decide to focus on her and get out of my own head.412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMRwFleaqPm
“I’m talking HUGE. And they were kinda cute! I thought about taking one home, actually. But I didn’t want to break up the family, and c’mon. Who needs four rats?”412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdinY3mlqO5
Our friend group groans in unison and I think that’s my cue. I grab my hefty margarita and stand, opting for the balcony to grab some fresh air and to not think about rat families.412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjK2t5vYOLe
“Rozz? Don’t think you’re about to leave us to deal with Wynn’s stories!” Mira shouts as I make my way around the bar. I turn around and shoot her smile and yell back, “I wouldn’t dream of it!”412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeOG1fu36yl
My margarita sloshes in my hand as I expertly navigate through the crowd and fight not to look for you-know-who.412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpSbI8IKm7c
Wait. I guess you don’t know. 412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiiEzaHhFsu
I’m new to this storytelling thing, so be patient with me! He’s kinda the reason I’m so in my own head tonight. I was just expecting things to go so differently and here I am—going into the new year being the same ball of trepidation and anxiety. I want to be different. I want to be bold and confident. Wynn, Mira, all of my friends really, are go-getters. Confidence oozes off of them in vibrant waves while my insecurities feel glued to my skin.412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGyFpMuxXhG
I’m outside before I realize it, my inner dialogue navigating me better than any auto pilot ever could. The railing of the balcony is adorned with fairy lights and I take extra care to lean my elbow in a vacant space before peering over the edge.412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8JpW2YIGQd
We’re on the 16th floor and I feel like I can see the world’s perimeter from here. Something about being up high on New Year’s Eve night while being romantically depressed feels oddly magical. I feel like if I were to jump, I’d float.412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAaCmtJYxGD
God, what the hell am I thinking?412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfnOyTkRQS4
I close my eyes and take a giant sip of my drink. Clearly I’m in need. Why did I reschedule my appointment with my therapist? Maybe—412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkJvGNFJ8Ga
412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7xBXDS9rto
“Rozz, Rozz, Rozz. I’ve found you.”412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3tjJ5Lg1Im
I inhale and keep it there, shutting my eyes even tighter. I’m not ready. God, I’m not ready at all. My anxiety is so deep and palpable that I can see it melting into my skin in layers. 412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhvnMD7uJ2E
Why did I come here?412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg3Iu7hDHjk
I’m so pathetic. He’s my light, my lantern. I look to him even knowing he’s way too hot for me to touch and come out unscathed.412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPFHy551d6Y
I reach for him knowing that my hand will forever be outstretched, waiting for the warmth that only he can bring. I’m nothing more than a moth predestined to a scorching, unremarkable death.412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdZUjdjpGZY
I force the exhale out, plaster on a fake smile and turn around.412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡePdQg63bzq
“So you have! You've been having fun, Ezra?”412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqbk7mgEBDt
My voice comes out unnaturally high pitched and squeaky and I groan inwardly. I’ve got to get myself under control.412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPJ1y3Atxn0
Ezra leans against the balcony next to me, beer in tow, regarding me with a look I’m pretty unfamiliar with. After demanding eye contact with a gaze that could pierce any barrier, he finally speaks.412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡArzRusTwQq
“You’ve been avoiding me, Rozz.”412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgT5bpst8Ou
Fuck.412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcmH96KpJb9
Always to the point, that Ezra. I’d been avoiding the fucker all night and of course he notices. Why does it matter anyway? The rumor mill (my friends) definitely said that Nadia had kissed him and he seemed pretty into it. What else did we have to discuss?412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvUk7BbJvKM
We’re just friends, anyway. Always have been. Always will be. I’m the one that messed up and fell in love. I didn’t want this.412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡofYMBZwtaG
My hand finds itself back on my leggings, plucking away.. I watch as his eyes follow the movement. I try to focus on the strawberry flavor of the margarita that’s still on my tongue. It’s my favorite one, I think. 412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI5eCAfyCqL
What do I even say back?412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6RnEQGyoxI
Lie?412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhvP8CRSSlM
“What? I’d never.”412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfFksHApsHU
I smile and push the straw out of the way to guzzle my drink. I need the extra fuel. Yum, more strawberries.412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCpH6tUI283
Ezra smiles lazily and takes a sip of his beer.412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFywnbMn0kZ
“I gotta say. Lying and then chugging your drink doesn’t really sell it. Maybe workshop that for next time.”412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡapm4E5z5Kf
Okay, so lying didn’t work.412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ73Dm4KLD0W
I almost choke on my drink as laughter erupts from me and I punch him in the shoulder.412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAwy9x3uPL7
“Here’s a thought. You could’ve just let the lie fly?”412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡopgyfMD8rv
He chuckles and adjusts his glasses before regarding me more seriously once more.412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBG6wkeK07f
“Or you could not lie to me? What’s going on?”412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOI6Zbev3j5
The way his voice drips with concern for me makes my heart pulse and ache. My eyes focus on his lips for a moment before flickering back up to his eyes. He has no idea how emotionally devastated I am and his genuine concern is making me want to vomit. Or maybe it was the margarita. 412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC6Ey2d6p7d
I can’t take it.412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsdrMFulltY
My drink now completely empty, I begin to make my way back inside. The sudden movement causes warmth to go to my tummy and fog to my brain. Oh god, I’m buzzed. I can’t be alone with him like this.412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDlCRnSBevE
“Why don’t we get more drinks? Also the countdown will probably–”412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYwSRFbBlIT
I’m cut off by him wrapping his hand around my forearm and gently pulling me toward him.412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAkp4PGk9lt
“We can do the countdown out here.”412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcqDVnspDQn
Oh, he’s definitely been drinking. He’s never been this forward before. 412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQjisD11yed
I swallow.412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7yUZXsptFV
“Just the two of us?”412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDXZnWn7u13
“Is being alone with me suddenly so bad?”412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAXw9cz98l8
“How many beers have you had, Ezra?”412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU4JNaEu04Y
“Why does it matter?”412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv4GIK2TLRN
I can smell him and I feel my eyes fight to flutter close. Shit.412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlNAYI80kf7
He repositions his hand further down my arm and grabs my hand. I guess he thinks I’m going to make a run for it.412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc7XxljxXL4
“Okay, okay. It doesn’t matter. But since we’re out here, how are you? How have things been with–”412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj0RLS9ED5C
“Rozzlyn.”412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9PPQz3DntT
The way he says my name makes my entire body tingle. It was almost a whisper, a secret that wrapped around only us and made me fall even further.412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcWfguy8uTz
I lick my lips out of nervousness and watch as his eyes follow my tongue.412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp13TGGQMGf
Jesus Christ.412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEKiGtR5Pbk
Why isn’t he looking for Nadia?412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiwCIVBQcJH
“Ezra, I just..I can’t talk about it with you.”412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4IzTUSFQGm
His eyebrows furrow.412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw7mLO1AYas
“Why not? We’ve always talked about everything. Why is this different?”412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCbmFdoehxP
“Because this is about you and it’s my problem to deal with.”412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiJJ0oEaKlA
“What does that mean?”412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOoaU7QwohM
“Where’s Nadia?”412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5j9QEsxDZ8
I regret it as soon as I ask. I couldn’t help myself. Nadia is a damn scab that I can’t not pick, knowing the wound will only deepen because of it.412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr4mmvZFUFA
Ezra genuinely looks surprised and for some reason, it makes me irritated.412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwJU36rMXeT
“What? Why are you asking about Nadia so suddenly? And why would I know?”412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8pzBJ32Y5D
I can’t hide my irritation at this point so I huff and step away from his grasp.412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtRhpmnd24G
“Isn’t she your girlfriend? Or do you just kiss anybody?”412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvbVYx4h9O1
I’m becoming uglier and uglier and I hate myself. I feel the warmth of the margarita loosening my lips and at this point, I just want another one. I might as well drown in my desolation.412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCWXTyXzIyF
It’s all I’m worth.412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDpfm3pqHYF
I’m spiraling so fast but I encourage it. I feel the familiar black hole of despair starting at my feet to engulf me whole and I close my eyes and prepare to be overtaken. I will never be good enough for Ezra, for anyone. I don’t even like myself. I pretend to be charming, to be bubbly, to be mentally well, just so that no one finds out the truth. 412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOFM8FFm9FI
I’m empty.412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5XWPWUg2aC
The black hole reaches my arms at this point and I smile sadly. I’ll just mentally retreat back into my familiar nothingness. I finally feel at peace about all of this. 412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQL5N2APvXk
Before the black hole gets to my neck, I feel Ezra slowly cradle my face and look at me like he sees me. His thumbs are wiping at my cheeks and I realize I’m crying. He tilts his head and leans his forehead against mine.412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdxOJD2IpZl
“You stupid, stupid woman.”412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBjzs285TL7
His lips marry mine and time stops. There is no bar, there is no balcony, there is no Nadia. 412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhzaR58QUwf
The black hole begins to retreat and my heartbeat is echoing in my ears.412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWabiYYcXgW
Is this real?412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYpXzmnheFi
He pulls away but our noses are still touching.412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ14B1SWStLv
“You don’t have the right to be jealous, Rozz. I’ve been in love with you for years and now you decide to be jealous of Nadia of all people? She kissed me and I pushed her away. You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting just to be seen by you. I notice when you try out a new lotion, when you fixate on a new favorite color, when you’re in a depressive spiral…”412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJYhHAriMSd
I’m still too speechless to speak, but I feel my hands warm up with embarrassment. I should really call my therapist…412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡme5uD4Wh4Z
He leans forward and marries our lips again, this time for much longer. I can’t hide my eagerness and I nip, lick and bite at him until he groans. His arms wrap around my sides, tickling the skin under my sweater and I lean further into him. Our tongues take turns exploring the other’s mouth in long, languid, licks.412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVLrOkngOID
“You’re making me love strawberries, Rozz…” 412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWVFGvsuXPx
I pull away and bury my face in my hands.412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkodhvRHVkL
“I can’t believe you…feel the same way..”412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNQMkfBIHoz
Ezra pulls my hands away and looks at me while chuckling.412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJwm2qsRKrW
“I felt this way first. I've just been waiting for you to love me back.”412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMoZIrhbGze
We hear people beginning to countdown and I look at my phone.412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8pWZv7zp3A
“11:59. I love you back, Ezra. I love you so much, it hurts.”412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFaclbJ8ijE
Everyone shouts “HAPPY NEW YEAR!”412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBqh81Q2iOt
I wrap my hands around his neck and I promise myself that I will kiss him until I die.412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi7BIzUke9C
I’ve never wanted anything more.
412Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzghAi1Is98
