I feel myself wringing my hands in my lap while pretending to focus on the untouched margarita sitting directly in front of me. My leggings are becoming frayed and I decide to mentally pick off the fuzzy bits so that maybe, just maybe, I can relax.388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw7VIzhFuth
It doesn’t work, so I decide to try to count the seeds floating around in my strawberry margarita before I realize how ridiculous I’m being. 388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXPgFo2JtIw
It’s New Year’s Eve!388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH02hovzKPC
Wynn is emphatic as ever—her arms are outstretched as she explains how big the rat family she saw in the subway was. I decide to focus on her and get out of my own head.388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj0KueFcaNN
“I’m talking HUGE. And they were kinda cute! I thought about taking one home, actually. But I didn’t want to break up the family, and c’mon. Who needs four rats?”388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA8bZY2oPVo
Our friend group groans in unison and I think that’s my cue. I grab my hefty margarita and stand, opting for the balcony to grab some fresh air and to not think about rat families.388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFnEO7o4XmQ
“Rozz? Don’t think you’re about to leave us to deal with Wynn’s stories!” Mira shouts as I make my way around the bar. I turn around and shoot her smile and yell back, “I wouldn’t dream of it!”388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT9Eqe8KkbS
My margarita sloshes in my hand as I expertly navigate through the crowd and fight not to look for you-know-who.388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGEvAlUcN99
Wait. I guess you don’t know. 388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSW43Yixez6
I’m new to this storytelling thing, so be patient with me! He’s kinda the reason I’m so in my own head tonight. I was just expecting things to go so differently and here I am—going into the new year being the same ball of trepidation and anxiety. I want to be different. I want to be bold and confident. Wynn, Mira, all of my friends really, are go-getters. Confidence oozes off of them in vibrant waves while my insecurities feel glued to my skin.388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYHYd5pzCRZ
I’m outside before I realize it, my inner dialogue navigating me better than any auto pilot ever could. The railing of the balcony is adorned with fairy lights and I take extra care to lean my elbow in a vacant space before peering over the edge.388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ7FvMI84Ws
We’re on the 16th floor and I feel like I can see the world’s perimeter from here. Something about being up high on New Year’s Eve night while being romantically depressed feels oddly magical. I feel like if I were to jump, I’d float.388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt1wHqeNHLo
God, what the hell am I thinking?388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ2FRLI9cQq
I close my eyes and take a giant sip of my drink. Clearly I’m in need. Why did I reschedule my appointment with my therapist? Maybe—388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrZrIGbOEeA
388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGlizTrbuKi
“Rozz, Rozz, Rozz. I’ve found you.”388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFTYrICHVeH
I inhale and keep it there, shutting my eyes even tighter. I’m not ready. God, I’m not ready at all. My anxiety is so deep and palpable that I can see it melting into my skin in layers. 388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhKC7uTWew5
Why did I come here?388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoH482dBKVB
I’m so pathetic. He’s my light, my lantern. I look to him even knowing he’s way too hot for me to touch and come out unscathed.388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡalIbEUqLHw
I reach for him knowing that my hand will forever be outstretched, waiting for the warmth that only he can bring. I’m nothing more than a moth predestined to a scorching, unremarkable death.388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRaQPvcnoTp
I force the exhale out, plaster on a fake smile and turn around.388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj6f4xSQS5W
“So you have! You've been having fun, Ezra?”388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNOuCMXuW4Y
My voice comes out unnaturally high pitched and squeaky and I groan inwardly. I’ve got to get myself under control.388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6scTyAQ3B3
Ezra leans against the balcony next to me, beer in tow, regarding me with a look I’m pretty unfamiliar with. After demanding eye contact with a gaze that could pierce any barrier, he finally speaks.388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZBA9xbkFzm
“You’ve been avoiding me, Rozz.”388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi1eUNkME9j
Fuck.388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfmQOwcyArq
Always to the point, that Ezra. I’d been avoiding the fucker all night and of course he notices. Why does it matter anyway? The rumor mill (my friends) definitely said that Nadia had kissed him and he seemed pretty into it. What else did we have to discuss?388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSCjFZJ9eEr
We’re just friends, anyway. Always have been. Always will be. I’m the one that messed up and fell in love. I didn’t want this.388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeYeTws2HWp
My hand finds itself back on my leggings, plucking away.. I watch as his eyes follow the movement. I try to focus on the strawberry flavor of the margarita that’s still on my tongue. It’s my favorite one, I think. 388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYDQlBuhyl2
What do I even say back?388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRLdbLfPXtc
Lie?388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbE05sA1WSg
“What? I’d never.”388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjRmXHsRaQd
I smile and push the straw out of the way to guzzle my drink. I need the extra fuel. Yum, more strawberries.388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsLk1W9Sp4L
Ezra smiles lazily and takes a sip of his beer.388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfT6QBNaH7r
“I gotta say. Lying and then chugging your drink doesn’t really sell it. Maybe workshop that for next time.”388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaupUu9ZFOR
Okay, so lying didn’t work.388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjAN1fSHhRa
I almost choke on my drink as laughter erupts from me and I punch him in the shoulder.388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxZ7gW69Rjm
“Here’s a thought. You could’ve just let the lie fly?”388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwTdUTpCVfG
He chuckles and adjusts his glasses before regarding me more seriously once more.388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP84Oy9Kwa0
“Or you could not lie to me? What’s going on?”388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpH3GzIKjQq
The way his voice drips with concern for me makes my heart pulse and ache. My eyes focus on his lips for a moment before flickering back up to his eyes. He has no idea how emotionally devastated I am and his genuine concern is making me want to vomit. Or maybe it was the margarita. 388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCywQhv40Fw
I can’t take it.388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC3jFq21U9z
My drink now completely empty, I begin to make my way back inside. The sudden movement causes warmth to go to my tummy and fog to my brain. Oh god, I’m buzzed. I can’t be alone with him like this.388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq4Rr5q7lcw
“Why don’t we get more drinks? Also the countdown will probably–”388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1o1EJi7FVU
I’m cut off by him wrapping his hand around my forearm and gently pulling me toward him.388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDbqeAXVCxr
“We can do the countdown out here.”388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzvUlnqBKiB
Oh, he’s definitely been drinking. He’s never been this forward before. 388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3ahaaM9jHj
I swallow.388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjoR68vQzpc
“Just the two of us?”388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU2DHWTXdtQ
“Is being alone with me suddenly so bad?”388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrR3c47oOyG
“How many beers have you had, Ezra?”388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg9SwdhbRFg
“Why does it matter?”388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFyM7hCqjJx
I can smell him and I feel my eyes fight to flutter close. Shit.388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiaVEXDxntk
He repositions his hand further down my arm and grabs my hand. I guess he thinks I’m going to make a run for it.388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqUyMrjWVRp
“Okay, okay. It doesn’t matter. But since we’re out here, how are you? How have things been with–”388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjVflDWGvoN
“Rozzlyn.”388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmM519lXtiX
The way he says my name makes my entire body tingle. It was almost a whisper, a secret that wrapped around only us and made me fall even further.388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRA1ml3wz7Z
I lick my lips out of nervousness and watch as his eyes follow my tongue.388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF5gxSpDTRO
Jesus Christ.388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVfirdAIMCy
Why isn’t he looking for Nadia?388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMIOjNmWbOS
“Ezra, I just..I can’t talk about it with you.”388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZFPTZ9GSC3
His eyebrows furrow.388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmHzVvrkjth
“Why not? We’ve always talked about everything. Why is this different?”388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkpU9yQUFGE
“Because this is about you and it’s my problem to deal with.”388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDeTEwYDi9t
“What does that mean?”388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqcWjIzU1lW
“Where’s Nadia?”388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMHCGOcm0nX
I regret it as soon as I ask. I couldn’t help myself. Nadia is a damn scab that I can’t not pick, knowing the wound will only deepen because of it.388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcoFFLBPeDu
Ezra genuinely looks surprised and for some reason, it makes me irritated.388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4hDormZEj8
“What? Why are you asking about Nadia so suddenly? And why would I know?”388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv1tW1FVfm7
I can’t hide my irritation at this point so I huff and step away from his grasp.388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTL3rntvll0
“Isn’t she your girlfriend? Or do you just kiss anybody?”388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRFvggyebuY
I’m becoming uglier and uglier and I hate myself. I feel the warmth of the margarita loosening my lips and at this point, I just want another one. I might as well drown in my desolation.388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4NyNqNozNu
It’s all I’m worth.388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgz2p0Zvk1n
I’m spiraling so fast but I encourage it. I feel the familiar black hole of despair starting at my feet to engulf me whole and I close my eyes and prepare to be overtaken. I will never be good enough for Ezra, for anyone. I don’t even like myself. I pretend to be charming, to be bubbly, to be mentally well, just so that no one finds out the truth. 388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz2h0xQkFyY
I’m empty.388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaymriimD0h
The black hole reaches my arms at this point and I smile sadly. I’ll just mentally retreat back into my familiar nothingness. I finally feel at peace about all of this. 388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5L3gL1WnmA
Before the black hole gets to my neck, I feel Ezra slowly cradle my face and look at me like he sees me. His thumbs are wiping at my cheeks and I realize I’m crying. He tilts his head and leans his forehead against mine.388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu1g1kUlWlG
“You stupid, stupid woman.”388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvoO5ojwNtO
His lips marry mine and time stops. There is no bar, there is no balcony, there is no Nadia. 388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWdDn5cJLOy
The black hole begins to retreat and my heartbeat is echoing in my ears.388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjUeoH9vnlq
Is this real?388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXibeAbRt8u
He pulls away but our noses are still touching.388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhnJemluiNL
“You don’t have the right to be jealous, Rozz. I’ve been in love with you for years and now you decide to be jealous of Nadia of all people? She kissed me and I pushed her away. You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting just to be seen by you. I notice when you try out a new lotion, when you fixate on a new favorite color, when you’re in a depressive spiral…”388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3B6rB1WiRP
I’m still too speechless to speak, but I feel my hands warm up with embarrassment. I should really call my therapist…388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3hbYRQwA4D
He leans forward and marries our lips again, this time for much longer. I can’t hide my eagerness and I nip, lick and bite at him until he groans. His arms wrap around my sides, tickling the skin under my sweater and I lean further into him. Our tongues take turns exploring the other’s mouth in long, languid, licks.388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFytcVng7cA
“You’re making me love strawberries, Rozz…” 388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8RcJ9ssTY9
I pull away and bury my face in my hands.388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaEKp0EsSGr
“I can’t believe you…feel the same way..”388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTMhup1WLPn
Ezra pulls my hands away and looks at me while chuckling.388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkCyqVwBHdz
“I felt this way first. I've just been waiting for you to love me back.”388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRskYbC8Dtg
We hear people beginning to countdown and I look at my phone.388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzCP5oRXSZG
“11:59. I love you back, Ezra. I love you so much, it hurts.”388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOspaIVByrQ
Everyone shouts “HAPPY NEW YEAR!”388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK3LHGpiedh
I wrap my hands around his neck and I promise myself that I will kiss him until I die.388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqMlTXSnfO4
I’ve never wanted anything more.
388Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgJOLCAbm9Q
