I feel myself wringing my hands in my lap while pretending to focus on the untouched margarita sitting directly in front of me. My leggings are becoming frayed and I decide to mentally pick off the fuzzy bits so that maybe, just maybe, I can relax.327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz6AjK8eJkJ
It doesn’t work, so I decide to try to count the seeds floating around in my strawberry margarita before I realize how ridiculous I’m being. 327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdCG4w6BryK
It’s New Year’s Eve!327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaXmUYvyFDr
Wynn is emphatic as ever—her arms are outstretched as she explains how big the rat family she saw in the subway was. I decide to focus on her and get out of my own head.327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQetutN6zZL
“I’m talking HUGE. And they were kinda cute! I thought about taking one home, actually. But I didn’t want to break up the family, and c’mon. Who needs four rats?”327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw5wJ0XU2Bk
Our friend group groans in unison and I think that’s my cue. I grab my hefty margarita and stand, opting for the balcony to grab some fresh air and to not think about rat families.327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMq6BQQLS2q
“Rozz? Don’t think you’re about to leave us to deal with Wynn’s stories!” Mira shouts as I make my way around the bar. I turn around and shoot her smile and yell back, “I wouldn’t dream of it!”327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW7w0sW6RLk
My margarita sloshes in my hand as I expertly navigate through the crowd and fight not to look for you-know-who.327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9sVxF80Xqx
Wait. I guess you don’t know. 327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH3pLNWsUAj
I’m new to this storytelling thing, so be patient with me! He’s kinda the reason I’m so in my own head tonight. I was just expecting things to go so differently and here I am—going into the new year being the same ball of trepidation and anxiety. I want to be different. I want to be bold and confident. Wynn, Mira, all of my friends really, are go-getters. Confidence oozes off of them in vibrant waves while my insecurities feel glued to my skin.327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPpYZd3ZLjc
I’m outside before I realize it, my inner dialogue navigating me better than any auto pilot ever could. The railing of the balcony is adorned with fairy lights and I take extra care to lean my elbow in a vacant space before peering over the edge.327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOkB4bHE3jJ
We’re on the 16th floor and I feel like I can see the world’s perimeter from here. Something about being up high on New Year’s Eve night while being romantically depressed feels oddly magical. I feel like if I were to jump, I’d float.327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGg2IXVi7x1
God, what the hell am I thinking?327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtrmLNADMCh
I close my eyes and take a giant sip of my drink. Clearly I’m in need. Why did I reschedule my appointment with my therapist? Maybe—327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoAfibgaTWi
327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDBFQLc7SXE
“Rozz, Rozz, Rozz. I’ve found you.”327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzOhi93i7Cg
I inhale and keep it there, shutting my eyes even tighter. I’m not ready. God, I’m not ready at all. My anxiety is so deep and palpable that I can see it melting into my skin in layers. 327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaX1CWiOfKW
Why did I come here?327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCDHjlGV0L7
I’m so pathetic. He’s my light, my lantern. I look to him even knowing he’s way too hot for me to touch and come out unscathed.327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJcZm1FLhr7
I reach for him knowing that my hand will forever be outstretched, waiting for the warmth that only he can bring. I’m nothing more than a moth predestined to a scorching, unremarkable death.327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrvlA4JJmxd
I force the exhale out, plaster on a fake smile and turn around.327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsG0cdYSX0q
“So you have! You've been having fun, Ezra?”327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgkWlmwxsaD
My voice comes out unnaturally high pitched and squeaky and I groan inwardly. I’ve got to get myself under control.327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0P2Xjr1NO1
Ezra leans against the balcony next to me, beer in tow, regarding me with a look I’m pretty unfamiliar with. After demanding eye contact with a gaze that could pierce any barrier, he finally speaks.327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbjdhHw6qKW
“You’ve been avoiding me, Rozz.”327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMGV7ycbeAz
Fuck.327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm985ECxs54
Always to the point, that Ezra. I’d been avoiding the fucker all night and of course he notices. Why does it matter anyway? The rumor mill (my friends) definitely said that Nadia had kissed him and he seemed pretty into it. What else did we have to discuss?327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd3ljM5VW6b
We’re just friends, anyway. Always have been. Always will be. I’m the one that messed up and fell in love. I didn’t want this.327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeZaULdjBFO
My hand finds itself back on my leggings, plucking away.. I watch as his eyes follow the movement. I try to focus on the strawberry flavor of the margarita that’s still on my tongue. It’s my favorite one, I think. 327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHwN0R26Oxd
What do I even say back?327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEGI4QZk7oG
Lie?327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ26EMw67L0T
“What? I’d never.”327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI9uy0qfhHQ
I smile and push the straw out of the way to guzzle my drink. I need the extra fuel. Yum, more strawberries.327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOZLHE0gXzD
Ezra smiles lazily and takes a sip of his beer.327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS9QWcUT3TI
“I gotta say. Lying and then chugging your drink doesn’t really sell it. Maybe workshop that for next time.”327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk7o5WpMt7P
Okay, so lying didn’t work.327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCOYjBfI19u
I almost choke on my drink as laughter erupts from me and I punch him in the shoulder.327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPqAxkhi7N0
“Here’s a thought. You could’ve just let the lie fly?”327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpddPxzwo5H
He chuckles and adjusts his glasses before regarding me more seriously once more.327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8zzj3KvWzD
“Or you could not lie to me? What’s going on?”327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1ft85zhGOw
The way his voice drips with concern for me makes my heart pulse and ache. My eyes focus on his lips for a moment before flickering back up to his eyes. He has no idea how emotionally devastated I am and his genuine concern is making me want to vomit. Or maybe it was the margarita. 327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrcPIzb5n70
I can’t take it.327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡunaCRaNiTk
My drink now completely empty, I begin to make my way back inside. The sudden movement causes warmth to go to my tummy and fog to my brain. Oh god, I’m buzzed. I can’t be alone with him like this.327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡne3JfSIkQo
“Why don’t we get more drinks? Also the countdown will probably–”327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiQudUNYbnr
I’m cut off by him wrapping his hand around my forearm and gently pulling me toward him.327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡewmU6XP942
“We can do the countdown out here.”327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQNxaTBXSzb
Oh, he’s definitely been drinking. He’s never been this forward before. 327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNJyzxcHO7y
I swallow.327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJBQrvcgY8r
“Just the two of us?”327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXOm0WJAooe
“Is being alone with me suddenly so bad?”327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKnHMWMwieu
“How many beers have you had, Ezra?”327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtItRvOtnVG
“Why does it matter?”327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6BJFyAiV40
I can smell him and I feel my eyes fight to flutter close. Shit.327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5df50r4UZs
He repositions his hand further down my arm and grabs my hand. I guess he thinks I’m going to make a run for it.327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrSVpWojc2H
“Okay, okay. It doesn’t matter. But since we’re out here, how are you? How have things been with–”327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqAFn1HCJBp
“Rozzlyn.”327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhBhisXon85
The way he says my name makes my entire body tingle. It was almost a whisper, a secret that wrapped around only us and made me fall even further.327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJCXFLxa3Fw
I lick my lips out of nervousness and watch as his eyes follow my tongue.327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeQSdn75eVN
Jesus Christ.327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK4H4OxnoKX
Why isn’t he looking for Nadia?327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaxDrK7fTlW
“Ezra, I just..I can’t talk about it with you.”327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡok94ztwn38
His eyebrows furrow.327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHJwlGSrQSb
“Why not? We’ve always talked about everything. Why is this different?”327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLJuKygRtHj
“Because this is about you and it’s my problem to deal with.”327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcE0rBAuHhn
“What does that mean?”327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvsyyLnYDfq
“Where’s Nadia?”327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡckKIhFqtAB
I regret it as soon as I ask. I couldn’t help myself. Nadia is a damn scab that I can’t not pick, knowing the wound will only deepen because of it.327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCHO4o2DmOH
Ezra genuinely looks surprised and for some reason, it makes me irritated.327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdi74M5XoRX
“What? Why are you asking about Nadia so suddenly? And why would I know?”327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs6qUd9wARp
I can’t hide my irritation at this point so I huff and step away from his grasp.327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfztfePyEJR
“Isn’t she your girlfriend? Or do you just kiss anybody?”327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQApF6BPvU7
I’m becoming uglier and uglier and I hate myself. I feel the warmth of the margarita loosening my lips and at this point, I just want another one. I might as well drown in my desolation.327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq4wsRDtggi
It’s all I’m worth.327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXTrmMT79ld
I’m spiraling so fast but I encourage it. I feel the familiar black hole of despair starting at my feet to engulf me whole and I close my eyes and prepare to be overtaken. I will never be good enough for Ezra, for anyone. I don’t even like myself. I pretend to be charming, to be bubbly, to be mentally well, just so that no one finds out the truth. 327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMw0FsjLS2f
I’m empty.327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4vmb0Hi0Fb
The black hole reaches my arms at this point and I smile sadly. I’ll just mentally retreat back into my familiar nothingness. I finally feel at peace about all of this. 327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx74bdw7KPl
Before the black hole gets to my neck, I feel Ezra slowly cradle my face and look at me like he sees me. His thumbs are wiping at my cheeks and I realize I’m crying. He tilts his head and leans his forehead against mine.327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLnM85giaY9
“You stupid, stupid woman.”327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSu8kaR8kIa
His lips marry mine and time stops. There is no bar, there is no balcony, there is no Nadia. 327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLYdAzbnT7h
The black hole begins to retreat and my heartbeat is echoing in my ears.327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUmftU6AuAO
Is this real?327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIXJgNhCkrk
He pulls away but our noses are still touching.327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOatSAg9FAC
“You don’t have the right to be jealous, Rozz. I’ve been in love with you for years and now you decide to be jealous of Nadia of all people? She kissed me and I pushed her away. You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting just to be seen by you. I notice when you try out a new lotion, when you fixate on a new favorite color, when you’re in a depressive spiral…”327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGPQz6S7Aov
I’m still too speechless to speak, but I feel my hands warm up with embarrassment. I should really call my therapist…327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5TbRv1Blt1
He leans forward and marries our lips again, this time for much longer. I can’t hide my eagerness and I nip, lick and bite at him until he groans. His arms wrap around my sides, tickling the skin under my sweater and I lean further into him. Our tongues take turns exploring the other’s mouth in long, languid, licks.327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHEUpBEMxPJ
“You’re making me love strawberries, Rozz…” 327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaCQSMlYAc5
I pull away and bury my face in my hands.327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpZC5fOitJ0
“I can’t believe you…feel the same way..”327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVfw7g58tkw
Ezra pulls my hands away and looks at me while chuckling.327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf3aDz60JqK
“I felt this way first. I've just been waiting for you to love me back.”327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ15wo1nq8AB
We hear people beginning to countdown and I look at my phone.327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2JuUJpNUAZ
“11:59. I love you back, Ezra. I love you so much, it hurts.”327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZTxTgXgZuZ
Everyone shouts “HAPPY NEW YEAR!”327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmZ3vrDGHoH
I wrap my hands around his neck and I promise myself that I will kiss him until I die.327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4LBRhFrqDq
I’ve never wanted anything more.
327Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe6uTdFpMFw
