I feel myself wringing my hands in my lap while pretending to focus on the untouched margarita sitting directly in front of me. My leggings are becoming frayed and I decide to mentally pick off the fuzzy bits so that maybe, just maybe, I can relax.303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡktAcHcLMMj
It doesn’t work, so I decide to try to count the seeds floating around in my strawberry margarita before I realize how ridiculous I’m being. 303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF2mCVh0pAb
It’s New Year’s Eve!303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiPKWaetb3T
Wynn is emphatic as ever—her arms are outstretched as she explains how big the rat family she saw in the subway was. I decide to focus on her and get out of my own head.303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXr6IvEiLj8
“I’m talking HUGE. And they were kinda cute! I thought about taking one home, actually. But I didn’t want to break up the family, and c’mon. Who needs four rats?”303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqJS8aCxVXu
Our friend group groans in unison and I think that’s my cue. I grab my hefty margarita and stand, opting for the balcony to grab some fresh air and to not think about rat families.303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtQa4xxd0SG
“Rozz? Don’t think you’re about to leave us to deal with Wynn’s stories!” Mira shouts as I make my way around the bar. I turn around and shoot her smile and yell back, “I wouldn’t dream of it!”303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4e5pVg9fGx
My margarita sloshes in my hand as I expertly navigate through the crowd and fight not to look for you-know-who.303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMJttIcdr7U
Wait. I guess you don’t know. 303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgj36lMmioJ
I’m new to this storytelling thing, so be patient with me! He’s kinda the reason I’m so in my own head tonight. I was just expecting things to go so differently and here I am—going into the new year being the same ball of trepidation and anxiety. I want to be different. I want to be bold and confident. Wynn, Mira, all of my friends really, are go-getters. Confidence oozes off of them in vibrant waves while my insecurities feel glued to my skin.303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkensKMLaTf
I’m outside before I realize it, my inner dialogue navigating me better than any auto pilot ever could. The railing of the balcony is adorned with fairy lights and I take extra care to lean my elbow in a vacant space before peering over the edge.303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyG1NMZaVvd
We’re on the 16th floor and I feel like I can see the world’s perimeter from here. Something about being up high on New Year’s Eve night while being romantically depressed feels oddly magical. I feel like if I were to jump, I’d float.303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDyo1mXz5IW
God, what the hell am I thinking?303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaX1XPsAnfW
I close my eyes and take a giant sip of my drink. Clearly I’m in need. Why did I reschedule my appointment with my therapist? Maybe—303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9C8Vimdu22
303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7svOElIlxz
“Rozz, Rozz, Rozz. I’ve found you.”303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPX6pGEBYGN
I inhale and keep it there, shutting my eyes even tighter. I’m not ready. God, I’m not ready at all. My anxiety is so deep and palpable that I can see it melting into my skin in layers. 303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgHM7Z7G1bO
Why did I come here?303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdnlmMHh9cs
I’m so pathetic. He’s my light, my lantern. I look to him even knowing he’s way too hot for me to touch and come out unscathed.303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLxHNtHxrFu
I reach for him knowing that my hand will forever be outstretched, waiting for the warmth that only he can bring. I’m nothing more than a moth predestined to a scorching, unremarkable death.303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5EJ9Tnc0xd
I force the exhale out, plaster on a fake smile and turn around.303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2nZA4499BI
“So you have! You've been having fun, Ezra?”303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcqfbZE0UR3
My voice comes out unnaturally high pitched and squeaky and I groan inwardly. I’ve got to get myself under control.303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFjvV4ydrkj
Ezra leans against the balcony next to me, beer in tow, regarding me with a look I’m pretty unfamiliar with. After demanding eye contact with a gaze that could pierce any barrier, he finally speaks.303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpszFyw5IBO
“You’ve been avoiding me, Rozz.”303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQRHZvDPTWM
Fuck.303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfWgIUXyoGL
Always to the point, that Ezra. I’d been avoiding the fucker all night and of course he notices. Why does it matter anyway? The rumor mill (my friends) definitely said that Nadia had kissed him and he seemed pretty into it. What else did we have to discuss?303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfO6rPUireO
We’re just friends, anyway. Always have been. Always will be. I’m the one that messed up and fell in love. I didn’t want this.303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4zrBtXBvxy
My hand finds itself back on my leggings, plucking away.. I watch as his eyes follow the movement. I try to focus on the strawberry flavor of the margarita that’s still on my tongue. It’s my favorite one, I think. 303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEqWXZTg3jm
What do I even say back?303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgbDA1CvlFF
Lie?303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbxuohWJAtX
“What? I’d never.”303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7zdovPB2Xf
I smile and push the straw out of the way to guzzle my drink. I need the extra fuel. Yum, more strawberries.303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3NyDAHly7C
Ezra smiles lazily and takes a sip of his beer.303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ44uDrNI7kq
“I gotta say. Lying and then chugging your drink doesn’t really sell it. Maybe workshop that for next time.”303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuJfNN7RzkF
Okay, so lying didn’t work.303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuNIr5GOYUp
I almost choke on my drink as laughter erupts from me and I punch him in the shoulder.303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhyhflUp5ku
“Here’s a thought. You could’ve just let the lie fly?”303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5Z445i940H
He chuckles and adjusts his glasses before regarding me more seriously once more.303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpe4ODiBfNV
“Or you could not lie to me? What’s going on?”303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTyWbm3K1Xb
The way his voice drips with concern for me makes my heart pulse and ache. My eyes focus on his lips for a moment before flickering back up to his eyes. He has no idea how emotionally devastated I am and his genuine concern is making me want to vomit. Or maybe it was the margarita. 303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCqmPtIl6gk
I can’t take it.303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnJfWZSrGEm
My drink now completely empty, I begin to make my way back inside. The sudden movement causes warmth to go to my tummy and fog to my brain. Oh god, I’m buzzed. I can’t be alone with him like this.303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLO1v0kvmWx
“Why don’t we get more drinks? Also the countdown will probably–”303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB5owEomwN0
I’m cut off by him wrapping his hand around my forearm and gently pulling me toward him.303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1CGgfgGDJP
“We can do the countdown out here.”303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtCWFEMCCew
Oh, he’s definitely been drinking. He’s never been this forward before. 303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzmMNMCTxsV
I swallow.303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj2Lmq1fVmh
“Just the two of us?”303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS6XVKjIeV2
“Is being alone with me suddenly so bad?”303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqKUC1DpGuy
“How many beers have you had, Ezra?”303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOPt0d2QDvq
“Why does it matter?”303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKnjtINoVwf
I can smell him and I feel my eyes fight to flutter close. Shit.303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzbq7MDn0J7
He repositions his hand further down my arm and grabs my hand. I guess he thinks I’m going to make a run for it.303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3IwrMiq6q2
“Okay, okay. It doesn’t matter. But since we’re out here, how are you? How have things been with–”303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5a4Xw674nm
“Rozzlyn.”303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpE2XXO1ukI
The way he says my name makes my entire body tingle. It was almost a whisper, a secret that wrapped around only us and made me fall even further.303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1gAg3xmssd
I lick my lips out of nervousness and watch as his eyes follow my tongue.303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDIvSOInt1o
Jesus Christ.303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG6cWF2grSb
Why isn’t he looking for Nadia?303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGdQGTBeOSx
“Ezra, I just..I can’t talk about it with you.”303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnu4h5kk03S
His eyebrows furrow.303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡInPS2VFvQ3
“Why not? We’ve always talked about everything. Why is this different?”303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcFMwpvnjAO
“Because this is about you and it’s my problem to deal with.”303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlqjwh4ZLcc
“What does that mean?”303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwEoCVGd88U
“Where’s Nadia?”303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQEIdbcGtF3
I regret it as soon as I ask. I couldn’t help myself. Nadia is a damn scab that I can’t not pick, knowing the wound will only deepen because of it.303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡedKVFhW1v0
Ezra genuinely looks surprised and for some reason, it makes me irritated.303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg8XoTz22ts
“What? Why are you asking about Nadia so suddenly? And why would I know?”303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFpeKjhuoib
I can’t hide my irritation at this point so I huff and step away from his grasp.303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8mm6b8e9jI
“Isn’t she your girlfriend? Or do you just kiss anybody?”303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcWNHY2PqyE
I’m becoming uglier and uglier and I hate myself. I feel the warmth of the margarita loosening my lips and at this point, I just want another one. I might as well drown in my desolation.303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCdN62FDzlL
It’s all I’m worth.303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd6ofiesNmH
I’m spiraling so fast but I encourage it. I feel the familiar black hole of despair starting at my feet to engulf me whole and I close my eyes and prepare to be overtaken. I will never be good enough for Ezra, for anyone. I don’t even like myself. I pretend to be charming, to be bubbly, to be mentally well, just so that no one finds out the truth. 303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmtmjfhZhtf
I’m empty.303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6WT8vaczb6
The black hole reaches my arms at this point and I smile sadly. I’ll just mentally retreat back into my familiar nothingness. I finally feel at peace about all of this. 303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7aD9JkC6Eq
Before the black hole gets to my neck, I feel Ezra slowly cradle my face and look at me like he sees me. His thumbs are wiping at my cheeks and I realize I’m crying. He tilts his head and leans his forehead against mine.303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYggu3Qeefz
“You stupid, stupid woman.”303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjMKHRXzTpf
His lips marry mine and time stops. There is no bar, there is no balcony, there is no Nadia. 303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtOd7darpdC
The black hole begins to retreat and my heartbeat is echoing in my ears.303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk1qC24Vbg2
Is this real?303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgiXgheUREN
He pulls away but our noses are still touching.303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ2wruRpD25
“You don’t have the right to be jealous, Rozz. I’ve been in love with you for years and now you decide to be jealous of Nadia of all people? She kissed me and I pushed her away. You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting just to be seen by you. I notice when you try out a new lotion, when you fixate on a new favorite color, when you’re in a depressive spiral…”303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkSWPOyUncm
I’m still too speechless to speak, but I feel my hands warm up with embarrassment. I should really call my therapist…303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjkOKvhECNf
He leans forward and marries our lips again, this time for much longer. I can’t hide my eagerness and I nip, lick and bite at him until he groans. His arms wrap around my sides, tickling the skin under my sweater and I lean further into him. Our tongues take turns exploring the other’s mouth in long, languid, licks.303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ7dGYAl15X
“You’re making me love strawberries, Rozz…” 303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡANufTfFKtk
I pull away and bury my face in my hands.303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnui9NdPDXq
“I can’t believe you…feel the same way..”303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhusMWuqNmE
Ezra pulls my hands away and looks at me while chuckling.303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyazqAA36y9
“I felt this way first. I've just been waiting for you to love me back.”303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA4hVqD1T7H
We hear people beginning to countdown and I look at my phone.303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKjc9nZEWvG
“11:59. I love you back, Ezra. I love you so much, it hurts.”303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIVQAjZigPk
Everyone shouts “HAPPY NEW YEAR!”303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf1ygTjEjCJ
I wrap my hands around his neck and I promise myself that I will kiss him until I die.303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYGj8M7pFYN
I’ve never wanted anything more.
303Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiuci4zRVpU
