I feel myself wringing my hands in my lap while pretending to focus on the untouched margarita sitting directly in front of me. My leggings are becoming frayed and I decide to mentally pick off the fuzzy bits so that maybe, just maybe, I can relax.469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbEm3xl4kl2
It doesn’t work, so I decide to try to count the seeds floating around in my strawberry margarita before I realize how ridiculous I’m being. 469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdmoEjtxQJt
It’s New Year’s Eve!469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRqFgwhGcu7
Wynn is emphatic as ever—her arms are outstretched as she explains how big the rat family she saw in the subway was. I decide to focus on her and get out of my own head.469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWkrMFWGMJo
“I’m talking HUGE. And they were kinda cute! I thought about taking one home, actually. But I didn’t want to break up the family, and c’mon. Who needs four rats?”469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1znJ9XAWCv
Our friend group groans in unison and I think that’s my cue. I grab my hefty margarita and stand, opting for the balcony to grab some fresh air and to not think about rat families.469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVVfNu2jqez
“Rozz? Don’t think you’re about to leave us to deal with Wynn’s stories!” Mira shouts as I make my way around the bar. I turn around and shoot her smile and yell back, “I wouldn’t dream of it!”469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn4ujziOutk
My margarita sloshes in my hand as I expertly navigate through the crowd and fight not to look for you-know-who.469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo4WSFWc7Jh
Wait. I guess you don’t know. 469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvvxRHLfrKD
I’m new to this storytelling thing, so be patient with me! He’s kinda the reason I’m so in my own head tonight. I was just expecting things to go so differently and here I am—going into the new year being the same ball of trepidation and anxiety. I want to be different. I want to be bold and confident. Wynn, Mira, all of my friends really, are go-getters. Confidence oozes off of them in vibrant waves while my insecurities feel glued to my skin.469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFEiEPgp3mO
I’m outside before I realize it, my inner dialogue navigating me better than any auto pilot ever could. The railing of the balcony is adorned with fairy lights and I take extra care to lean my elbow in a vacant space before peering over the edge.469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyYefqbPaqY
We’re on the 16th floor and I feel like I can see the world’s perimeter from here. Something about being up high on New Year’s Eve night while being romantically depressed feels oddly magical. I feel like if I were to jump, I’d float.469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoDu8aLnybT
God, what the hell am I thinking?469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyhlBplC5tx
I close my eyes and take a giant sip of my drink. Clearly I’m in need. Why did I reschedule my appointment with my therapist? Maybe—469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUKnURbaGUz
469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF7Zts0WKKh
“Rozz, Rozz, Rozz. I’ve found you.”469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAA27bKKegM
I inhale and keep it there, shutting my eyes even tighter. I’m not ready. God, I’m not ready at all. My anxiety is so deep and palpable that I can see it melting into my skin in layers. 469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4cZ9oVqCA3
Why did I come here?469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVaHjbnGV3m
I’m so pathetic. He’s my light, my lantern. I look to him even knowing he’s way too hot for me to touch and come out unscathed.469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwdIMCCQr2K
I reach for him knowing that my hand will forever be outstretched, waiting for the warmth that only he can bring. I’m nothing more than a moth predestined to a scorching, unremarkable death.469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2AxqNk5b8V
I force the exhale out, plaster on a fake smile and turn around.469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW1mU6Had97
“So you have! You've been having fun, Ezra?”469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9n4TFGmD4p
My voice comes out unnaturally high pitched and squeaky and I groan inwardly. I’ve got to get myself under control.469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgWjeOr2Xou
Ezra leans against the balcony next to me, beer in tow, regarding me with a look I’m pretty unfamiliar with. After demanding eye contact with a gaze that could pierce any barrier, he finally speaks.469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSnUMiMBiaA
“You’ve been avoiding me, Rozz.”469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx6v8IP7PEn
Fuck.469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4E5dJQkF33
Always to the point, that Ezra. I’d been avoiding the fucker all night and of course he notices. Why does it matter anyway? The rumor mill (my friends) definitely said that Nadia had kissed him and he seemed pretty into it. What else did we have to discuss?469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMFDmh3eQR9
We’re just friends, anyway. Always have been. Always will be. I’m the one that messed up and fell in love. I didn’t want this.469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl9Sx3m7Y0H
My hand finds itself back on my leggings, plucking away.. I watch as his eyes follow the movement. I try to focus on the strawberry flavor of the margarita that’s still on my tongue. It’s my favorite one, I think. 469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡID0jWST53N
What do I even say back?469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF3IelUJKKe
Lie?469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZD6PVjpl5u
“What? I’d never.”469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl9Mf7S9P23
I smile and push the straw out of the way to guzzle my drink. I need the extra fuel. Yum, more strawberries.469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaOJLreVpK7
Ezra smiles lazily and takes a sip of his beer.469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKhZJPSVkZa
“I gotta say. Lying and then chugging your drink doesn’t really sell it. Maybe workshop that for next time.”469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYBGHo0PtKG
Okay, so lying didn’t work.469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqtcuKmmIWZ
I almost choke on my drink as laughter erupts from me and I punch him in the shoulder.469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡscrSpQXXA2
“Here’s a thought. You could’ve just let the lie fly?”469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxpM0o0tzkj
He chuckles and adjusts his glasses before regarding me more seriously once more.469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxwKAhFxHgo
“Or you could not lie to me? What’s going on?”469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5MUKyko5FI
The way his voice drips with concern for me makes my heart pulse and ache. My eyes focus on his lips for a moment before flickering back up to his eyes. He has no idea how emotionally devastated I am and his genuine concern is making me want to vomit. Or maybe it was the margarita. 469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIo3EZUYdL2
I can’t take it.469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCV5Ucg9Ja0
My drink now completely empty, I begin to make my way back inside. The sudden movement causes warmth to go to my tummy and fog to my brain. Oh god, I’m buzzed. I can’t be alone with him like this.469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD1RfB14jcE
“Why don’t we get more drinks? Also the countdown will probably–”469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK7bVm8xtVN
I’m cut off by him wrapping his hand around my forearm and gently pulling me toward him.469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYCXUzp43py
“We can do the countdown out here.”469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZZQA4vkRRW
Oh, he’s definitely been drinking. He’s never been this forward before. 469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwOvnUIuig1
I swallow.469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnZ3GG6K6wm
“Just the two of us?”469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkOrINDE7rf
“Is being alone with me suddenly so bad?”469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ8SxvkRnMg
“How many beers have you had, Ezra?”469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5fu0c7egwx
“Why does it matter?”469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbA12cByPYg
I can smell him and I feel my eyes fight to flutter close. Shit.469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGuwsiQBV4i
He repositions his hand further down my arm and grabs my hand. I guess he thinks I’m going to make a run for it.469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRMNR2lhjrG
“Okay, okay. It doesn’t matter. But since we’re out here, how are you? How have things been with–”469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG3VoMOEll2
“Rozzlyn.”469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUpBCKqXG3d
The way he says my name makes my entire body tingle. It was almost a whisper, a secret that wrapped around only us and made me fall even further.469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjDdwINndwd
I lick my lips out of nervousness and watch as his eyes follow my tongue.469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡormZ2XVBwB
Jesus Christ.469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnjUk81b1J2
Why isn’t he looking for Nadia?469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMDQq8cSm1p
“Ezra, I just..I can’t talk about it with you.”469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFu8qEzZsyc
His eyebrows furrow.469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGmefM53v3m
“Why not? We’ve always talked about everything. Why is this different?”469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDpcC9kUm3k
“Because this is about you and it’s my problem to deal with.”469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsoUThXkaPf
“What does that mean?”469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEPNxhlrAMF
“Where’s Nadia?”469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ75ERnfpXg8
I regret it as soon as I ask. I couldn’t help myself. Nadia is a damn scab that I can’t not pick, knowing the wound will only deepen because of it.469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3do1WvNFO3
Ezra genuinely looks surprised and for some reason, it makes me irritated.469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwmc7WLJbdG
“What? Why are you asking about Nadia so suddenly? And why would I know?”469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyog4Da4rWb
I can’t hide my irritation at this point so I huff and step away from his grasp.469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0m2pq2QLoz
“Isn’t she your girlfriend? Or do you just kiss anybody?”469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRvZnqfbNzC
I’m becoming uglier and uglier and I hate myself. I feel the warmth of the margarita loosening my lips and at this point, I just want another one. I might as well drown in my desolation.469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8PAj0tv35E
It’s all I’m worth.469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxNnSW8BkYC
I’m spiraling so fast but I encourage it. I feel the familiar black hole of despair starting at my feet to engulf me whole and I close my eyes and prepare to be overtaken. I will never be good enough for Ezra, for anyone. I don’t even like myself. I pretend to be charming, to be bubbly, to be mentally well, just so that no one finds out the truth. 469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCuSu7vxMGe
I’m empty.469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1NBbxy7qBy
The black hole reaches my arms at this point and I smile sadly. I’ll just mentally retreat back into my familiar nothingness. I finally feel at peace about all of this. 469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvNS6lSI8RH
Before the black hole gets to my neck, I feel Ezra slowly cradle my face and look at me like he sees me. His thumbs are wiping at my cheeks and I realize I’m crying. He tilts his head and leans his forehead against mine.469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7sstoCy4WT
“You stupid, stupid woman.”469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFWn5VXW2jG
His lips marry mine and time stops. There is no bar, there is no balcony, there is no Nadia. 469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnpJM31CpG6
The black hole begins to retreat and my heartbeat is echoing in my ears.469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrhNSLd7T8l
Is this real?469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeh1ZVxffSA
He pulls away but our noses are still touching.469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAYiBs6X5rd
“You don’t have the right to be jealous, Rozz. I’ve been in love with you for years and now you decide to be jealous of Nadia of all people? She kissed me and I pushed her away. You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting just to be seen by you. I notice when you try out a new lotion, when you fixate on a new favorite color, when you’re in a depressive spiral…”469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡACvh6DzI3N
I’m still too speechless to speak, but I feel my hands warm up with embarrassment. I should really call my therapist…469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1mwsKHodS7
He leans forward and marries our lips again, this time for much longer. I can’t hide my eagerness and I nip, lick and bite at him until he groans. His arms wrap around my sides, tickling the skin under my sweater and I lean further into him. Our tongues take turns exploring the other’s mouth in long, languid, licks.469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBZg21xFJb2
“You’re making me love strawberries, Rozz…” 469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXHr4jrO0Xd
I pull away and bury my face in my hands.469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGrGR40EuPL
“I can’t believe you…feel the same way..”469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyviXXWZFDo
Ezra pulls my hands away and looks at me while chuckling.469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5mSGNl8ZYq
“I felt this way first. I've just been waiting for you to love me back.”469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ6auzfGEjT
We hear people beginning to countdown and I look at my phone.469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW38EyY5Lgp
“11:59. I love you back, Ezra. I love you so much, it hurts.”469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdDNg5ph1K3
Everyone shouts “HAPPY NEW YEAR!”469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhpYWszOa6q
I wrap my hands around his neck and I promise myself that I will kiss him until I die.469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI0JtgBpsde
I’ve never wanted anything more.
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