I feel myself wringing my hands in my lap while pretending to focus on the untouched margarita sitting directly in front of me. My leggings are becoming frayed and I decide to mentally pick off the fuzzy bits so that maybe, just maybe, I can relax.302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdUyvaitRav
It doesn’t work, so I decide to try to count the seeds floating around in my strawberry margarita before I realize how ridiculous I’m being. 302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhS8mggI2Z5
It’s New Year’s Eve!302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGALqtfbv0N
Wynn is emphatic as ever—her arms are outstretched as she explains how big the rat family she saw in the subway was. I decide to focus on her and get out of my own head.302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdqmMn6fmjo
“I’m talking HUGE. And they were kinda cute! I thought about taking one home, actually. But I didn’t want to break up the family, and c’mon. Who needs four rats?”302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDtAlh8rw6g
Our friend group groans in unison and I think that’s my cue. I grab my hefty margarita and stand, opting for the balcony to grab some fresh air and to not think about rat families.302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsZlHSf6hAC
“Rozz? Don’t think you’re about to leave us to deal with Wynn’s stories!” Mira shouts as I make my way around the bar. I turn around and shoot her smile and yell back, “I wouldn’t dream of it!”302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsEwjKPcYxF
My margarita sloshes in my hand as I expertly navigate through the crowd and fight not to look for you-know-who.302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7RUz9fqgI9
Wait. I guess you don’t know. 302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbxmsQ97mpy
I’m new to this storytelling thing, so be patient with me! He’s kinda the reason I’m so in my own head tonight. I was just expecting things to go so differently and here I am—going into the new year being the same ball of trepidation and anxiety. I want to be different. I want to be bold and confident. Wynn, Mira, all of my friends really, are go-getters. Confidence oozes off of them in vibrant waves while my insecurities feel glued to my skin.302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbvuiNLV2Vi
I’m outside before I realize it, my inner dialogue navigating me better than any auto pilot ever could. The railing of the balcony is adorned with fairy lights and I take extra care to lean my elbow in a vacant space before peering over the edge.302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyzJuVhj4fy
We’re on the 16th floor and I feel like I can see the world’s perimeter from here. Something about being up high on New Year’s Eve night while being romantically depressed feels oddly magical. I feel like if I were to jump, I’d float.302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6nkG4WKJOn
God, what the hell am I thinking?302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsn5eCXjkGV
I close my eyes and take a giant sip of my drink. Clearly I’m in need. Why did I reschedule my appointment with my therapist? Maybe—302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNIgMjAEBsB
302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy1ChJ6Ux6K
“Rozz, Rozz, Rozz. I’ve found you.”302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd3xFQSJF2P
I inhale and keep it there, shutting my eyes even tighter. I’m not ready. God, I’m not ready at all. My anxiety is so deep and palpable that I can see it melting into my skin in layers. 302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0RQ6g9BTVt
Why did I come here?302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJycdd8MtSY
I’m so pathetic. He’s my light, my lantern. I look to him even knowing he’s way too hot for me to touch and come out unscathed.302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1LuQoTVQrc
I reach for him knowing that my hand will forever be outstretched, waiting for the warmth that only he can bring. I’m nothing more than a moth predestined to a scorching, unremarkable death.302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEdUXcEFk10
I force the exhale out, plaster on a fake smile and turn around.302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7QJBZbmSOj
“So you have! You've been having fun, Ezra?”302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB3kkOMRTT9
My voice comes out unnaturally high pitched and squeaky and I groan inwardly. I’ve got to get myself under control.302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaIDj6LgxZr
Ezra leans against the balcony next to me, beer in tow, regarding me with a look I’m pretty unfamiliar with. After demanding eye contact with a gaze that could pierce any barrier, he finally speaks.302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSCtfJF6SrE
“You’ve been avoiding me, Rozz.”302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCFt0ER9fhn
Fuck.302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMEhlpiHcK7
Always to the point, that Ezra. I’d been avoiding the fucker all night and of course he notices. Why does it matter anyway? The rumor mill (my friends) definitely said that Nadia had kissed him and he seemed pretty into it. What else did we have to discuss?302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh99nFCS6YE
We’re just friends, anyway. Always have been. Always will be. I’m the one that messed up and fell in love. I didn’t want this.302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTsHdy3w6na
My hand finds itself back on my leggings, plucking away.. I watch as his eyes follow the movement. I try to focus on the strawberry flavor of the margarita that’s still on my tongue. It’s my favorite one, I think. 302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIkwEA24Wlk
What do I even say back?302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1d7ohYhtWt
Lie?302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM4VgCe1Hpl
“What? I’d never.”302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlWf5RrCRWg
I smile and push the straw out of the way to guzzle my drink. I need the extra fuel. Yum, more strawberries.302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGmonAqqTq7
Ezra smiles lazily and takes a sip of his beer.302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrV4s8ob4oE
“I gotta say. Lying and then chugging your drink doesn’t really sell it. Maybe workshop that for next time.”302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡagkzhjanVe
Okay, so lying didn’t work.302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjm8TMNtZQk
I almost choke on my drink as laughter erupts from me and I punch him in the shoulder.302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRjl2dYiems
“Here’s a thought. You could’ve just let the lie fly?”302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpbiKPmHY2g
He chuckles and adjusts his glasses before regarding me more seriously once more.302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡywa4WndpIY
“Or you could not lie to me? What’s going on?”302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPC4X6gcDsL
The way his voice drips with concern for me makes my heart pulse and ache. My eyes focus on his lips for a moment before flickering back up to his eyes. He has no idea how emotionally devastated I am and his genuine concern is making me want to vomit. Or maybe it was the margarita. 302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPdLkGoNWqn
I can’t take it.302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡud3bmJHx2T
My drink now completely empty, I begin to make my way back inside. The sudden movement causes warmth to go to my tummy and fog to my brain. Oh god, I’m buzzed. I can’t be alone with him like this.302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeuvLL4oNBB
“Why don’t we get more drinks? Also the countdown will probably–”302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP68rFKEl23
I’m cut off by him wrapping his hand around my forearm and gently pulling me toward him.302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQIMbx2misc
“We can do the countdown out here.”302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgYl6scLsqS
Oh, he’s definitely been drinking. He’s never been this forward before. 302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPprLe0Z0Kd
I swallow.302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqm6qGT6AyN
“Just the two of us?”302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgT512xB8td
“Is being alone with me suddenly so bad?”302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN8kNMWY069
“How many beers have you had, Ezra?”302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoNwZdqSIYR
“Why does it matter?”302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0rfSobIbfu
I can smell him and I feel my eyes fight to flutter close. Shit.302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBxdtgvIbVQ
He repositions his hand further down my arm and grabs my hand. I guess he thinks I’m going to make a run for it.302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi33eashCki
“Okay, okay. It doesn’t matter. But since we’re out here, how are you? How have things been with–”302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsejpUa29Jf
“Rozzlyn.”302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZJ5ZQ9nmE2
The way he says my name makes my entire body tingle. It was almost a whisper, a secret that wrapped around only us and made me fall even further.302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1gTZn7cJWn
I lick my lips out of nervousness and watch as his eyes follow my tongue.302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz1P4oge8MB
Jesus Christ.302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCdQAyb70E9
Why isn’t he looking for Nadia?302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDhZFRzHmXA
“Ezra, I just..I can’t talk about it with you.”302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4sIevf8mCK
His eyebrows furrow.302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSdpTWGso4X
“Why not? We’ve always talked about everything. Why is this different?”302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbk8DGRdPTD
“Because this is about you and it’s my problem to deal with.”302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1QhJfqabe8
“What does that mean?”302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOykapsvUHU
“Where’s Nadia?”302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUpjZmTUAbz
I regret it as soon as I ask. I couldn’t help myself. Nadia is a damn scab that I can’t not pick, knowing the wound will only deepen because of it.302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfqUwPn1Ync
Ezra genuinely looks surprised and for some reason, it makes me irritated.302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB4aciKCDaQ
“What? Why are you asking about Nadia so suddenly? And why would I know?”302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡppJHzvR76V
I can’t hide my irritation at this point so I huff and step away from his grasp.302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT6xePwjuxh
“Isn’t she your girlfriend? Or do you just kiss anybody?”302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYPZ8PUGKK1
I’m becoming uglier and uglier and I hate myself. I feel the warmth of the margarita loosening my lips and at this point, I just want another one. I might as well drown in my desolation.302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw0X5TeTLZF
It’s all I’m worth.302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd5YhpYmSmB
I’m spiraling so fast but I encourage it. I feel the familiar black hole of despair starting at my feet to engulf me whole and I close my eyes and prepare to be overtaken. I will never be good enough for Ezra, for anyone. I don’t even like myself. I pretend to be charming, to be bubbly, to be mentally well, just so that no one finds out the truth. 302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFUcuxLtbOt
I’m empty.302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ36pkhgqrdL
The black hole reaches my arms at this point and I smile sadly. I’ll just mentally retreat back into my familiar nothingness. I finally feel at peace about all of this. 302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVq1uwhmjGJ
Before the black hole gets to my neck, I feel Ezra slowly cradle my face and look at me like he sees me. His thumbs are wiping at my cheeks and I realize I’m crying. He tilts his head and leans his forehead against mine.302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQawzgXAk4X
“You stupid, stupid woman.”302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCAr4kmDcPi
His lips marry mine and time stops. There is no bar, there is no balcony, there is no Nadia. 302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv235V7rxSy
The black hole begins to retreat and my heartbeat is echoing in my ears.302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDNE0zI3xOz
Is this real?302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcHjYsU1R6T
He pulls away but our noses are still touching.302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsundkfsNfl
“You don’t have the right to be jealous, Rozz. I’ve been in love with you for years and now you decide to be jealous of Nadia of all people? She kissed me and I pushed her away. You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting just to be seen by you. I notice when you try out a new lotion, when you fixate on a new favorite color, when you’re in a depressive spiral…”302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1YUvRH41Tx
I’m still too speechless to speak, but I feel my hands warm up with embarrassment. I should really call my therapist…302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiEYa4Y9fyP
He leans forward and marries our lips again, this time for much longer. I can’t hide my eagerness and I nip, lick and bite at him until he groans. His arms wrap around my sides, tickling the skin under my sweater and I lean further into him. Our tongues take turns exploring the other’s mouth in long, languid, licks.302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjPKINqf8iG
“You’re making me love strawberries, Rozz…” 302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvwi4fBgCwU
I pull away and bury my face in my hands.302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOMaCYv2rWg
“I can’t believe you…feel the same way..”302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZll9oBVw31
Ezra pulls my hands away and looks at me while chuckling.302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz208Dk67sa
“I felt this way first. I've just been waiting for you to love me back.”302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhPKDsxDU9Q
We hear people beginning to countdown and I look at my phone.302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡToaE48UGqm
“11:59. I love you back, Ezra. I love you so much, it hurts.”302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBu3Z9ZDOD7
Everyone shouts “HAPPY NEW YEAR!”302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvFtUkajzYV
I wrap my hands around his neck and I promise myself that I will kiss him until I die.302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrFniy06VgY
I’ve never wanted anything more.
302Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3WziZ8RTD9
