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My wife and I were going through a divorce so I went over to the house trying to sort our joint possessions.
"Okay, sweetheart, since the court awarded you the house and the barn. We have six lawn chairs and I'm taking half of them." 380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRG7oPxSuPy
Also, some of the folding tables, "I'm taking my tools, and the loveseat. Cuz, I sure don't want anybody making love to you on my love seat!"380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPAx0lpOOAs
(I look around for more things, we lived on a farm and had some barnyard animals.)380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIme1slmQEE
"Let's see, I need at least 50 head of cows, 15 horses, oh, and around 30 chickens and ducks."380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL3oHmgDCb1
Hmm... 380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr8AzcBsYbm
Oh yeah, and my dog Rex of course. "Here boy, come over here you mutt, you mangy critter..." Okay, I need the dog house and the 50 lb bag of dog food. 380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO8vm2ikaTO
Yeah, the divorce court ordered that I get half of the heavy farming equipment. 380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLXDwcMEwCw
"You can have have all the adult toys."380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiA5AsKXWZG
Except for the pecker enhancer!380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcNQodApmAA
"That's all I need..."380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDub3eeKCjh
"Wait!"380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZrcILbBAQ4
I glance at my wife's body "Didn't I buy those boobies?" She said, "Well honey, yes you did." What about it?380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL8hcm2hnhB
I said, "Sarah, I brought them big boobies, you can't have them!" 380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH9Rk7r9ZoU
Sarah said, "Keith, what's wrong with you, are you crazy!" 380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0S9kIJkxmM
(Still staring at her, I notice a dragon tatoo under her tight, revealing shorts)380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcJcUWJ9p3p
"Hold on, wait, one dawg gone minute!"380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHiS8eOCI0l
"Didn't I pay for that tattoo on your butt?"380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3SJ3es4Bhs
That cost me $100!
Sarah said, "Yes, so what!" What you're going to do about it Jack!380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzsQzi4ls3f
Keith said, "My name ain't Jack, Missy!" And what about your $3000 butt injections?380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQUgA2UttYr
"Sarah, I'm still paying for that big booty. Nobody can touch that booty until it's paid off!"
Orders are, nobody can see the great booty, Not nobody, not no how!380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4s2kkfjgWD
"Um...Keith? Said Sarah, you are quoting 380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeJ9eh6Jfpc
'The Wizard Of Oz.'
I know that I yelled,
but I can't get no satisfaction. I can't get no satisfaction. "Cause I try, and I try, and I try, and I try." I can't get no, oh no, no, no...380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZyofsREeU7
Ah, hey, hey, hey, that's what I say...380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡawLhobXHd0
"Keith?" Now you're quoting, 'The Rolling Stones.' "How come when you're angry you380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOzCXDh31Xm
quote everybody?"
I know that Sarah but I need compensation! Let's see, the breast implants were $5,000.380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRaRQiYParW
Plus, umm... an additional $3000 for the butt injections and the $100 dollar Dragon tatoo.380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr17nf1JV1J
"Oh, and that thousand pack of 'Now and Later' candy!"380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhaaM9nkrYQ
(Sarah laughs)380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDAMOIJh7vs
Keith, that line is from the movie, "The Cook Out."380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZGEzO5xrEZ
"Gosh Darn!"380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW9cgoER5Z5
Woman, you owe me over $8,000 cash money on the line...380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMknYkXHh1Z
Sarah exclaimed, "Well don't hold your breath cuz I ain't paying you nothing Jack!" "Honey, I said, quit calling me Jack. Is that your new boyfriend's name?" 380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrbNEbIOgJ9
Sarah, "Yeah, and he's hung like a mule!" No, like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. And I don't have to hunt in the dark for his pecker. (Sarah snickers)380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKRIYJ4kfYC
Keith, "Oh yeah, I bet when you're making love and he's going down, he can hear his own voice echo!"380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXGuEHpG5Pd
Hello~hello~hello~hello...
Hah! 380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8KusxECAoq
Sarah, crieds, "Okay, now that's hitting below the belt."380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ87stxUHtJS
You know you love my love thing! But Keith, you are a boring lover. 380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAGrcEQYQvl
That's how I fell into the arms of another lover. Do you recall when I said, "Give it to me! Give it to me!" I yelled. "I'm so wet and hot, give it to me now!" And you gave me an umbrella.380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUoy6MhrST3
Keith, "Okay, I see you got jokes honey...380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl6lkoJtMbz
Here's one, "What makes a pecker and Rubik's Cube similar?"380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9ptL6oovBq
(Sarah says what)380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmFunk4Iqug
"The more you play with it, the harder it gets."380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7cdgqQpqr2
(he laughs and Sarah winks)380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL3WBTHYYRO
Sarah, "Hey, I got one, 380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT2bwehn7Us
"A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about fifteen minutes, the tired man finally gets up and says,
"Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" 380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjoDtryafKD
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ99Ndm0qtbM
(Keith laughs hard)380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwWUiKvrZTH
"Okay, that was pretty good honey." Keith says, "But, hey I got a bunch of them!"380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYrOeqlOd3Z
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr5OfOw6K47
(Sarah giggles, Keith is on a roll)380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrWFb9GTOq6
Honey,380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtqhW7d9ZVw
"Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? 380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsI4hCe8ZPj
Sarah grins, "Okay, I give up." Who?380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf0yacJFwqc
The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts on his weiner!380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaaZj4oEdTc
(Sarah giggles, slapping her thigh)380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡon9BI3qpJ7
Keith says,380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyoDMCgyccA
"What do a woman and a bar have in common?380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4Uus5nFYz2
Liquor in the front, poker in the back."380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRNZ1vi6AfR
(Sarah laughs, smiles and then gives Keith a big hug)380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjmhSzUS95q
Keith, "Aww, Sarah, you know I still love you and you'll always be my best friend. Just forget about the $8000. 380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGhroMOA12s
Keith's wife, Sarah, had always been both amused and exasperated by his constant jokes. Every morning, as she sipped her coffee, Keith would appear grinning with a mischievous smile and say, "What do you call a cow with no legs?"380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡATAOu5wMDv
"Ground beef!"380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg9aQr6UDaA
Sarah would roll her eyes and chuckle, unable to resist her husband's infectious laughter.380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTD2sKG6Ofs
Their children, Lily and Max, inherited their father's sense of humor. They would eagerly gather around him, waiting for his daily dose of laughter. 380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgsCovvvuWY
Keith would gather them close and say, "What do lawyers wear to court?" 380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwcmbPfOsJY
Lawsuits.380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3i6yGprSPo
Lily and Max would burst into fits of giggles, just begging for more jokes until their sides hurt.380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy3FiXJ67u4
Keith's friends knew him as the 380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9dUeIoW7D3
Clown Jester of Bakersville.380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4gyVAJtbXK
Whenever they needed a good laugh, they would seek him out. One evening, during a gathering at their favorite local pub, Keith got up and proclaimed, 380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4XxocXR1ql
"Why did the scarecrow always win an award?"380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS1b9QOtHlK
Because he was so outstanding in his field!380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgX8E4DNgOH
The entire pub erupted with laughter, and he basked in the joy of making others smile.380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqXVKuHKd5o
His love for jokes extended beyond his family and friends. Keith would seize any golden opportunity to entertain unsuspecting strangers.380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFt2cateIlI
While waiting in line at the grocery store, he would strike up conversations with fellow shoppers and unleash a pun-filled tirade. 380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQc3Hn4BNab
The cashiers, at first dreading the line of customers Keith held up, would eventually find themselves laughing along with the rest of the store.380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr4kPftupEx
Keith's reputation as the "Jokester Extraordinaire"380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNetQD1oZvp
Spread throughout Bakersville. People began inviting him to events just to ensure a fun-filled atmosphere.380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvM8VXqQ5X8
Whether it was just a birthday party, or community gathering, even a solemn occasion. Keith's corny jokes managed to uplift everyone's spirits.380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTa4LSwbT9A
One day, the Mayor of Bakersville decided to organize a grand comedy festival. Of course, Keith was naturally the first person he invited to perform. The festival was a great, riotous success, with the entire town doubled over with laughter. 380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvSHblVwZnj
Keith took center stage, he was telling joke after joke, pun after pun, and the crowd couldn't get enough. It was a night of sheer hilarity, leaving everyone in stitches.380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1FA5oVyDPE
His wife, Sarah, was used to his jokes by now. 380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEsu3Q01lDp
Having heard them all before, many times.380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1FamyeyzWJ
She would just smile politely and laugh occasionally, but normally she would roll her eyes and shake her head. She loved Keith, but sometimes she wished he would tone down his jokes a bit.
His children, Lilly and Max, were also familiar with his jokes. They had grown up listening to them every day. They would sometimes laugh at his jokes, but mostly they would groan and cringe. They loved Keith, but sometimes they wished he would stop embarrassing them with his jokes.380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcLfKQlzKnR
His friends, Mike and Tom, were also aware of his jokes. They had known him since college and had endured his jokes for years. They would sometimes chuckle at his jokes, but mostly they would ignore them or change the subject. 380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡszpwlfMVRV
They liked Keith, but sometimes they wished he would be a little more serious with his jokes.380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG5r9mWDyQQ
But Keith didn't care what anyone thought of his jokes. He loved telling them and he thought they were hilarious. 380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyS2692lml5
He believed that laughter was the best medicine and that everyone needed a good joke to brighten their day. He never missed an opportunity to crack a joke, no matter how corny or inappropriate it was.380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9Ehc0GeLrn
One day, Keith decided to go to a comedy club for a night out. He had always wanted to try stand-up comedy and he thought he had what it took to make people laugh. He signed up for an open mic night and prepared some of his best jokes.380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJSVKPv64SC
He arrived at the comedy club and was greeted by the host.380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcCsJMPi8nn
"Hi, I'm here for the open mic night," Keith said.380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXlYuSzL6F6
"Sure, just write your name on this list and wait for your turn," the host said.380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ75mP4UMus5
Keith wrote down his name and looked at the list. He saw that there were about ten other comedians before him.380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxiWhqzTZAZ
He walked over to the bar and ordered a drink. He sipped it slowly and watched the other comedians perform.380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmehSDHT8lh
He saw some of them get laughs, others get boos and some silence.380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd4awETdHQb
He rehearsed his jokes in his head and smiled to himself.380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGBdJLxTnfF
(When he got on stage he said)
Hello people, I'm Keith, and I hope to entertain you tonight. "How many of you like to help people, said Keith?"
(The audience clapped)380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡleWOQXXTKH
Keith: "Well I do too, I walked into my bank today and an old lady asked me to help check her balance."
So I pushed her over!380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2FcGtdzJmh
(audience chuckles)380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkxR6ktw4o2
Keith: "Yeah, three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf."380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG8eSGhipH0
I haven't heard from him since.380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrm2rD3xrfR
Keith: (feeling the crowd) "My wife says I'm getting fatter, but in my defence, I've had a lot on my plate recently."380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6pkljxq8Lw
"Hey people, my dog is a genius... I asked him what is two minus two, and he said nothing.380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUFjQfKnVnl
(audience laughing)380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8itUKmxnCo
Keith: "You know the other day, my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I accidentally passed her the glue stick." 380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaSwr4BwFtt
She still isn't talking to me.380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKzPJ2dcf8O
(Keith smiles)380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKKlp5T8rzQ
Keith: "Just the other day I stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and the guy says: 'Well, Once upon a time there was a lobster...'380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡczOBXIBcGV
Keith: "Yeah, some people can be so uptight you know, my female neighbor always suntans topless, my wife is quite against it, 380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv7IUaIb2ed
but I am on the fence!380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCCRU9FBOOA
(audience laughing hard)380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOxPdXpLy12
[He gets on a roll]380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXyCNKOxswA
"Hey, I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes." 380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFBlKh90v2F
She gave me a hug!380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOdm7YEbYiQ
"Yeah folks, today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face."
"My parents are the worst."380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN6VRfSINuG
Hey!380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU6y30RfYZs
What is the worst combination of illnesses?380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCSS4Nd5O0r
"Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where."380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIlZu6wkRWB
You know what? My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
"Guess who came crawling back?"380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZN1n2VCU47
For you gals out there, "What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?"380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqQwaRETJPn
They just give you a bra and say,
"Here, fill this out."380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEbB2YhqfJT
How do you get a squirrel to like you?380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw6c83zQBQh
Act like a nut.380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡURnk5mSfVf
My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH2Svd51zkM
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVaXYHC5opI
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb9kXIcoP4Z
I went to a psychic the other day and knocked on her front door. She yelled: 'Who is it?' 380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLk5qSye002
So I Left.380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSIzrhlm95J
People, I was in a casino yesterday and a couple of cows were smoking weed and playing poker.380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8AXjTlrgWd
"The steaks were pretty high!"380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFp2Hu8am51
"Well, that's all I have for you tonight ladies and I hope gentlemen."380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe7ICAZBBUN
Goodnight!"380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3NvTAXfgOq
(Dave exited the stage to thunderous applause)380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4T3CbKio6d
He went home happier380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUPdVceL0oP
than he ever
Dreamed!380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIOwJc8I06m
380Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1ADp4tm0UK
© Charles Kemp
ns18.117.230.210da2
