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My wife and I were going through a divorce so I went over to the house trying to sort our joint possessions.
"Okay, sweetheart, since the court awarded you the house and the barn. We have six lawn chairs and I'm taking half of them." 474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1ZLXbsnQnL
Also, some of the folding tables, "I'm taking my tools, and the loveseat. Cuz, I sure don't want anybody making love to you on my love seat!"474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs2FvJWgzeh
(I look around for more things, we lived on a farm and had some barnyard animals.)474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi5PY7X25os
"Let's see, I need at least 50 head of cows, 15 horses, oh, and around 30 chickens and ducks."474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUrFExluvnh
Hmm... 474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi4ruYlf3Oj
Oh yeah, and my dog Rex of course. "Here boy, come over here you mutt, you mangy critter..." Okay, I need the dog house and the 50 lb bag of dog food. 474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM8d6kjavAC
Yeah, the divorce court ordered that I get half of the heavy farming equipment. 474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVFGIb8GjCJ
"You can have have all the adult toys."474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGzkY7ESnMi
Except for the pecker enhancer!474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzNLx3XKcNJ
"That's all I need..."474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMrIUgxfs1s
"Wait!"474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQunX1JFxtr
I glance at my wife's body "Didn't I buy those boobies?" She said, "Well honey, yes you did." What about it?474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsjAwNZzGvA
I said, "Sarah, I brought them big boobies, you can't have them!" 474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWVZz6N1Adc
Sarah said, "Keith, what's wrong with you, are you crazy!" 474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4sKZkLblHF
(Still staring at her, I notice a dragon tatoo under her tight, revealing shorts)474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgHYZJmbGW0
"Hold on, wait, one dawg gone minute!"474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5HWMdJnxuI
"Didn't I pay for that tattoo on your butt?"474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDUz2J1BvB7
That cost me $100!
Sarah said, "Yes, so what!" What you're going to do about it Jack!474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpCdlWUlvgd
Keith said, "My name ain't Jack, Missy!" And what about your $3000 butt injections?474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfhhkvh5VQ9
"Sarah, I'm still paying for that big booty. Nobody can touch that booty until it's paid off!"
Orders are, nobody can see the great booty, Not nobody, not no how!474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwFZJZImN9P
"Um...Keith? Said Sarah, you are quoting 474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP4fPFRyo33
'The Wizard Of Oz.'
I know that I yelled,
but I can't get no satisfaction. I can't get no satisfaction. "Cause I try, and I try, and I try, and I try." I can't get no, oh no, no, no...474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlVKn2Yvhd7
Ah, hey, hey, hey, that's what I say...474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkmmUIusTSk
"Keith?" Now you're quoting, 'The Rolling Stones.' "How come when you're angry you474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS2LQuvqDna
quote everybody?"
I know that Sarah but I need compensation! Let's see, the breast implants were $5,000.474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuokM8knCqW
Plus, umm... an additional $3000 for the butt injections and the $100 dollar Dragon tatoo.474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOMlkxe5d2j
"Oh, and that thousand pack of 'Now and Later' candy!"474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9VgaST3fuW
(Sarah laughs)474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnXcJfPpwlh
Keith, that line is from the movie, "The Cook Out."474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS2PSQZdYKz
"Gosh Darn!"474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfIiMGF6HAw
Woman, you owe me over $8,000 cash money on the line...474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9i5rJycuVt
Sarah exclaimed, "Well don't hold your breath cuz I ain't paying you nothing Jack!" "Honey, I said, quit calling me Jack. Is that your new boyfriend's name?" 474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdtjbiMSxhz
Sarah, "Yeah, and he's hung like a mule!" No, like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. And I don't have to hunt in the dark for his pecker. (Sarah snickers)474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0l0SBKy4ND
Keith, "Oh yeah, I bet when you're making love and he's going down, he can hear his own voice echo!"474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvToCRw45Wl
Hello~hello~hello~hello...
Hah! 474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVCLZp1MYIj
Sarah, crieds, "Okay, now that's hitting below the belt."474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVRmAf8aN4x
You know you love my love thing! But Keith, you are a boring lover. 474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtF78rjGnOJ
That's how I fell into the arms of another lover. Do you recall when I said, "Give it to me! Give it to me!" I yelled. "I'm so wet and hot, give it to me now!" And you gave me an umbrella.474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPc8nSUrzOJ
Keith, "Okay, I see you got jokes honey...474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcYfJuN6L5w
Here's one, "What makes a pecker and Rubik's Cube similar?"474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB09c1K3RM5
(Sarah says what)474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw8eOwmhSYC
"The more you play with it, the harder it gets."474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4e4Sj1Qr34
(he laughs and Sarah winks)474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPAvuJHoffh
Sarah, "Hey, I got one, 474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC24t3Oa1OL
"A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about fifteen minutes, the tired man finally gets up and says,
"Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" 474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeoAkaU1XBX
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoy5v7e5BFc
(Keith laughs hard)474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKG2zBDnAon
"Okay, that was pretty good honey." Keith says, "But, hey I got a bunch of them!"474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPOQkVyImet
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7clMR6nptV
(Sarah giggles, Keith is on a roll)474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4kEffB7kv6
Honey,474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPOZZRiG7cg
"Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? 474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ252AeBjQK8
Sarah grins, "Okay, I give up." Who?474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzWlaazcj2Q
The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts on his weiner!474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlEWAE98oei
(Sarah giggles, slapping her thigh)474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdbl33SoTIa
Keith says,474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYJ0wzivFNT
"What do a woman and a bar have in common?474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV8Ef2BjQcG
Liquor in the front, poker in the back."474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVT3k8j5aE4
(Sarah laughs, smiles and then gives Keith a big hug)474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUg0iAlESin
Keith, "Aww, Sarah, you know I still love you and you'll always be my best friend. Just forget about the $8000. 474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk9BUfyAxTY
Keith's wife, Sarah, had always been both amused and exasperated by his constant jokes. Every morning, as she sipped her coffee, Keith would appear grinning with a mischievous smile and say, "What do you call a cow with no legs?"474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5vpyp0kDZr
"Ground beef!"474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI3oF755bpl
Sarah would roll her eyes and chuckle, unable to resist her husband's infectious laughter.474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgxhTfX2ADc
Their children, Lily and Max, inherited their father's sense of humor. They would eagerly gather around him, waiting for his daily dose of laughter. 474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡytpDjKJvVV
Keith would gather them close and say, "What do lawyers wear to court?" 474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3z6diFNhKU
Lawsuits.474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeaqM0bj7Te
Lily and Max would burst into fits of giggles, just begging for more jokes until their sides hurt.474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVrzh2ybjXg
Keith's friends knew him as the 474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPqnmLul6aC
Clown Jester of Bakersville.474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBPGdohF23v
Whenever they needed a good laugh, they would seek him out. One evening, during a gathering at their favorite local pub, Keith got up and proclaimed, 474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUrCOm0aS4m
"Why did the scarecrow always win an award?"474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfM5SyEO9nK
Because he was so outstanding in his field!474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzgNBidQG8N
The entire pub erupted with laughter, and he basked in the joy of making others smile.474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9IPw3WSoVG
His love for jokes extended beyond his family and friends. Keith would seize any golden opportunity to entertain unsuspecting strangers.474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlHeZaDAULn
While waiting in line at the grocery store, he would strike up conversations with fellow shoppers and unleash a pun-filled tirade. 474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCSFfSF4Zoh
The cashiers, at first dreading the line of customers Keith held up, would eventually find themselves laughing along with the rest of the store.474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5Z7ONHCNa5
Keith's reputation as the "Jokester Extraordinaire"474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6DV8hsW1QM
Spread throughout Bakersville. People began inviting him to events just to ensure a fun-filled atmosphere.474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg52GHYYYsy
Whether it was just a birthday party, or community gathering, even a solemn occasion. Keith's corny jokes managed to uplift everyone's spirits.474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvHCitmIolE
One day, the Mayor of Bakersville decided to organize a grand comedy festival. Of course, Keith was naturally the first person he invited to perform. The festival was a great, riotous success, with the entire town doubled over with laughter. 474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYubSbv09jj
Keith took center stage, he was telling joke after joke, pun after pun, and the crowd couldn't get enough. It was a night of sheer hilarity, leaving everyone in stitches.474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡICPVR3yOfe
His wife, Sarah, was used to his jokes by now. 474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7pOXMfHpfL
Having heard them all before, many times.474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdKw1XyT3gJ
She would just smile politely and laugh occasionally, but normally she would roll her eyes and shake her head. She loved Keith, but sometimes she wished he would tone down his jokes a bit.
His children, Lilly and Max, were also familiar with his jokes. They had grown up listening to them every day. They would sometimes laugh at his jokes, but mostly they would groan and cringe. They loved Keith, but sometimes they wished he would stop embarrassing them with his jokes.474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnjTnQzTtVW
His friends, Mike and Tom, were also aware of his jokes. They had known him since college and had endured his jokes for years. They would sometimes chuckle at his jokes, but mostly they would ignore them or change the subject. 474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhOu41iiFUz
They liked Keith, but sometimes they wished he would be a little more serious with his jokes.474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZr1bUoxyn7
But Keith didn't care what anyone thought of his jokes. He loved telling them and he thought they were hilarious. 474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCFfbqAhKZb
He believed that laughter was the best medicine and that everyone needed a good joke to brighten their day. He never missed an opportunity to crack a joke, no matter how corny or inappropriate it was.474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv0ArQ7Dmey
One day, Keith decided to go to a comedy club for a night out. He had always wanted to try stand-up comedy and he thought he had what it took to make people laugh. He signed up for an open mic night and prepared some of his best jokes.474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa386WTBzzy
He arrived at the comedy club and was greeted by the host.474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaUxgiHuTFD
"Hi, I'm here for the open mic night," Keith said.474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7gFT0TMppH
"Sure, just write your name on this list and wait for your turn," the host said.474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9Pb1ne7hdD
Keith wrote down his name and looked at the list. He saw that there were about ten other comedians before him.474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXz53qr6JN7
He walked over to the bar and ordered a drink. He sipped it slowly and watched the other comedians perform.474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKAk7j8p5Tp
He saw some of them get laughs, others get boos and some silence.474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6An5cJrkao
He rehearsed his jokes in his head and smiled to himself.474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1WTyMiG144
(When he got on stage he said)
Hello people, I'm Keith, and I hope to entertain you tonight. "How many of you like to help people, said Keith?"
(The audience clapped)474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlP8JtSZVf4
Keith: "Well I do too, I walked into my bank today and an old lady asked me to help check her balance."
So I pushed her over!474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqKY6IJ513L
(audience chuckles)474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSugq2FDCno
Keith: "Yeah, three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf."474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMQanY8HgUd
I haven't heard from him since.474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAJAri97QZJ
Keith: (feeling the crowd) "My wife says I'm getting fatter, but in my defence, I've had a lot on my plate recently."474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTz7uB9Jomq
"Hey people, my dog is a genius... I asked him what is two minus two, and he said nothing.474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdCJvwMY5KY
(audience laughing)474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtIfIGZOeH6
Keith: "You know the other day, my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I accidentally passed her the glue stick." 474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCXdZR8y0Eq
She still isn't talking to me.474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0YiEZHTsjw
(Keith smiles)474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1XL0QnNXVB
Keith: "Just the other day I stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and the guy says: 'Well, Once upon a time there was a lobster...'474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDFrdxpUdeG
Keith: "Yeah, some people can be so uptight you know, my female neighbor always suntans topless, my wife is quite against it, 474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHkFScf9XSQ
but I am on the fence!474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCamVxAvnLF
(audience laughing hard)474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjeg7ZKjSqH
[He gets on a roll]474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNSSMv6WrtD
"Hey, I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes." 474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXk8s6mHTdH
She gave me a hug!474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHgy6DRmzcH
"Yeah folks, today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face."
"My parents are the worst."474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡefy9qG3UT5
Hey!474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDQ7NOCpPOD
What is the worst combination of illnesses?474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj0WBZpQLP4
"Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where."474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ4NyU4Iylb
You know what? My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
"Guess who came crawling back?"474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHsrFSRQHYu
For you gals out there, "What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?"474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡihM2zsAMbT
They just give you a bra and say,
"Here, fill this out."474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡluTVN8W4gC
How do you get a squirrel to like you?474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZZre71pYAs
Act like a nut.474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXlNmcFHXlH
My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzLk4zuOzVe
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJoQBJo6FCH
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX3dl5J1sGs
I went to a psychic the other day and knocked on her front door. She yelled: 'Who is it?' 474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlPdaX92Uq7
So I Left.474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZPtwCApzJu
People, I was in a casino yesterday and a couple of cows were smoking weed and playing poker.474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBxAaEze7ao
"The steaks were pretty high!"474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5A33lFnQOC
"Well, that's all I have for you tonight ladies and I hope gentlemen."474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4NTPYgCsUx
Goodnight!"474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOvj8A4dgF8
(Dave exited the stage to thunderous applause)474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTiuhvCjbqT
He went home happier474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXpXLdLvcQC
than he ever
Dreamed!474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0MW4TLVRKU
474Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEECnk8C6jq
© Charles Kemp
ns216.73.216.197da2
