下班回家，淋浴。301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8Cn5DblJSD
301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPcqhq1zNtZ
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡegcvDx8lUG
301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJDtBCXDwoP
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJzuEp16wO4
301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlg5qe33yhs
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHNEAKHcEQm
301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8lmC3MmzKG
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDGGqZdhFON
301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnIjZXWAY6X
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKXIWWESQZs
301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHbpGpwJxwl
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRPAOUH8V3d
301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuoMHvSs7w7
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLIbbJOlAjM
301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0cJmf6rzy0
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDWjhKfxB2O
301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ55focAcxHZ
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaGRRY9TvqM
301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3sp1xn7DdO
啪——啪——301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiwRb8vy3sv
301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqbFb4n6Fh4
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUstfwwXPTt
301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDxFc1xu2UI
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVflmD7CakU
301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnVnEfE7Tyt
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkBJaGfl3rK
301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCJfWmzZOkf
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkeHxZj0hVv
301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnjSta4MBy5
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdbQsLdAjt7
301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZp40SVtxmR
算了吧。沒所謂。301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIBFxMcjLfl
301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm5KFr6t0Qc
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtOEwthB1Xs
301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJSmxVOX9iI
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBopVFMZw21
301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5HBvnBQDON
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ83FxZe5Yrt
301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLuscgDpOln
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGU2SCqMkEG
301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzO3wFwiznW
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLmLCCF0puj
301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOJ0fHmcOg7
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGMB00Ra3J6
301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvGXuLJ9CYo
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQLwiMufhd6
301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡURDjDwxFq2
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdS2JAWMIkK
301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGZZDMtdwun
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxm2KDNnZN2
301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnOMxjOWYpB
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaYbEOntmav
301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpCjv27IShs
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCvyXgLgjs0
301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuHiMqHqyL6
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDQAboXMul2
301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTvci8QZ77F
我頭也不回開門離家。301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4l311wLlqG
301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡACKfJEuh7X
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhtPfnqI36g
301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ97A59SnCBF
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9EVuIVTOYX
301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyMdQnFemvZ
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhDPw9QOPpF
301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOHr46oZ9jL
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNMEEdzOqPD
301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS8kSI4kau1
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV2cF7XzlmX
301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhN70I6tOKq
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlSqugwj2kP
301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXERtQF6zVO
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWUpdlVesBr
301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhhuUnsQdcz
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRKijoXbEum
301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4WvuPkAxiS
「你不開心？」301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVjaHZsc1MG
301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2RvgOepiAK
「是的。但與你無關。」301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbkBX0xKR2Y
301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY3VGZKCPUJ
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUmRta2hdGi
301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmZaoTs5ef8
「還有菸嗎？」301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmeqLMNakG3
301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQIOQQf8gEI
「有。」301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPe8rjf0AGr
301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvruvog4NnA
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzN0LCrJwlg
301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjJuJMu9SSv
「俊仔還好嗎？」301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiP7Ofg7Z9v
301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3HHxYsVyya
「與你無關。」301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYm3NFjfBVA
301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBe2dwkPaBn
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoQqotD7fRL
301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE7EKBjDZ0q
我幽幽一笑。301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0ZMB9UntRw
301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvZFi7OMaCo
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh54bwLI2kG
301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHBJGfGqlvy
「多少？我付！」301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn1yQsgmdnu
301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGauivXuGoo
「五萬七千五百元。」301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzsU8CwWRvt
301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0AnRJG6Zhm
「好！沒問題！小意思！」301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmluL7rten0
301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzW7NRh7p9n
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUGP5je6OhB
301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZxWRhnK9p2
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8lO7YUTKdc
301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6CPNYqB3v1
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwgxIRXjN6g
301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn7TWT6NIlM
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKsJcprBO5v
301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzPpvL7nUnE
「阿顧，對不起。」301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7BECfByR59
301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8pbOOG2Us9
「道歉有屁用！」301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4blNSdT1lc
301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiKADXhl0kV
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoQ9O56B5Ad
301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvMkm6tnOml
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEjXz8hVuK3
301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZafgDRI5I9
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbp59gkdQZZ
301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe6Chh2Twrn
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8PzGKPFeVj
301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrOwiV0WqTS
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDTCbW3ztXh
301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYIDKZKnvbb
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS8Hp8Si0lo
301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzoK5QPflJd
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOaw7Edwa55
301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2ik3DEf8sE
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFAVKyvJrGw
301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡewqvKjFuxn
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrR78oUBmlP
301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOyROS1ZsgU
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqJ3W9ieYwU
301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPqTwfrzBvO
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNVNfBbRkjb
301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0Cot3ayvnm
我活該……我活該……我活該……301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYP7eMHKi8C
301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5vbpcPsTk9
我如此催眠自己。301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTKkmWszinj
註：此篇另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文配合。
ns216.73.216.82da2
