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下班回家，淋浴。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJsWNeqwfsZ
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡavV43SRBAl
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTaedcR2dL8
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq9BWqBPeNH
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnZGjG9bqo2
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbBcGrC0D5v
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjGt4Jom6Kz
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHXBxwQ7x9M
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡufNTeBtNzR
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2LnLBVbIjS
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpRwx35qIUW
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6We4YcyatQ
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpxoxvc5XF0
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw6vwmIPYCm
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGBnqXRsqRb
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdR2lVoynyH
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyH7OafYV63
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjCbasoLcMY
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ7MtT4Jled
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSKob7uzZQZ
啪——啪——268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ64E1PR5DXa
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDBTHD31LXZ
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIYxcTywCSY
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHf6RENW6zV
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzaZ4qSnDcR
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAU2ZeYmqEy
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoZOq7z3BHE
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnpapTK7A4t
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm6dRkPzNwD
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpy2CAfxq7g
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG8jxv3NIyh
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtPMC1cxnZq
算了吧。沒所謂。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrVpMr0xjkm
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbbk5kGQY1u
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3PpDGbSKkd
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ86hbOpBnzB
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzicUti3a9y
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTqcb0dp85t
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUFg03vLU6V
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw8cBgm6OGI
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1Ecr62MWx7
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrmaMyLLt8z
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmkAElz1TgU
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6aFtyUqs1w
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL4LXp5uKOd
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhIDIckEtNe
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm8bnTBiM9Z
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡACY1sB1v4g
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ8rPqS5kR8
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqR9P3BSM1H
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlvenLsKTsD
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIfPceCLypH
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwn0I2ZgVj2
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoymYvvaJZo
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXepTM5uzhd
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUMLcISwVG6
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLqa1aCdrum
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo9AczsFszt
我頭也不回開門離家。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8zwVJ7hiwj
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYkvMv8O1dn
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRmI5csQ3ns
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9CZSNtBkzB
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWmlgTASd9L
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡElj1QatPwu
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA75Kv1Kpyc
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIvIraETPjC
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPtskOvyPER
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaJF1QRoZF9
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTrcSrE8VsP
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv1VNhvfSjm
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFckAp20ZAK
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfnyM9g3hnt
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnMb8DIsA4h
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw0Vk6hiqUQ
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKhzWFLBDXc
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEWkTR6aO3u
「你不開心？」268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsHT53GIlsY
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8FYWkwIZyZ
「是的。但與你無關。」268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8rZeZWgZJv
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKGGuUHBVtF
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrjFb1K0AAi
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKrmmVLG5YM
「還有菸嗎？」268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeEnwk28IHL
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo6en4aKCic
「有。」268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUkpk6NQLmR
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcIHhvtgAyG
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLuLBDGyC0o
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM1kjYAWx6q
「俊仔還好嗎？」268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkVs7RuYFV7
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0j05kNca5w
「與你無關。」268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFiq8zbzqwI
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdbpbDk6V5N
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYyYrJ2EiEh
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb49znV5AZn
我幽幽一笑。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡShw0h1gY80
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrCL2mQONfF
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIu7yo49n9F
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlUxWHFJpH3
「多少？我付！」268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyVRgzSqSC1
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp8HDVkvs0d
「五萬七千五百元。」268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkUJIEGFTzB
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNwnSzBnSzq
「好！沒問題！小意思！」268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiPezEvGfSg
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVzlAgG4nGv
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWzjelH9b5Q
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV5IvoGjJkR
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvmwQN11Ujj
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbB3EJjxr8r
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX6IdHpzgXk
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqA8Zo7QL5t
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS3zeslgHDT
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6TrU31M2VJ
「阿顧，對不起。」268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNF4wUkmXek
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmsF8qlxFmC
「道歉有屁用！」268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡflQ8LBha34
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyNWSIqPyEw
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkvDuMYtq4p
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoYPO0mgvHe
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡitHRG7u1Hc
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiF7juvN8lG
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyGFZAp1iBO
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfDpH5KlRRU
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3yvuDzY51h
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKnZsZ0Z0zv
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw5gJddkwPA
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqUEpSBpceJ
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsnEtpZIae7
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ38hbuv6Fpi
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBxWgj3m8vQ
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlbZ9bxusHb
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSOx6K20Avf
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDypHZApTIH
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHLQ9ZDkXGY
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQF0xDtWkx8
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhbn30Mgohr
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa1vtc2lZtb
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5PQT82tCWQ
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzrvvHgx8Dr
我活該……我活該……我活該……268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQRoqEciDYo
268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH6uble2jgb
我如此催眠自己。268Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0rZsUpsMFa
註：此篇另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文配合。
ns216.73.216.197da2
