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下班回家，淋浴。203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡchAWMkSoHR
203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYwaGwNVh8M
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8eCr2ltW33
203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMr3nj0dzzY
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvzS1kNq0Kh
203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFSUYWWYMNL
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFMWB88qCpD
203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6T3GLslopZ
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBgtLd3W4Bb
203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHFqmWdC7CU
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVVhXvV84W3
203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSSzBBiM0tl
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkeCM8KnWwY
203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwzFLm6QG3M
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKYfClZHyvn
203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ78PZgiY5id
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJUdCRt6g8o
203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG3Fv0gVZQF
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGeub95N33n
203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLh18xOY6fM
啪——啪——203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb8MSDfLZzn
203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZiaOqAf7rM
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKFvWbgomJZ
203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0WuOzizI6B
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMF5gFNbr0L
203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFCFBbq5pmC
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5nRXuN3qBE
203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh5EBaPTPEx
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8k0GKXCkM7
203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfQlNfrLDWV
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMVLEON5klu
203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbdA2Qy7Wn0
算了吧。沒所謂。203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCnAp5RvuXS
203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHuqbJAP3Kv
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJMEv5qj3yW
203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtDxzRWBZPb
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXntXQd3ekq
203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvxwHGmxe71
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡScuw0gcqCz
203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSgGptWRVic
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHOv9sCCcRk
203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1MwEQ0znrQ
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgWRhfavi5h
203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeNU3G8gcHF
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO15pryifAL
203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLjYWIZZA1b
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4JJK6yl3Rd
203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGisHzLpECG
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZZBf1O7tHv
203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRqTQUvY3xs
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLdSwxcb9Ob
203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPtRDqYt1KU
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡguNjuEbdQz
203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPxTLKJOitx
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqoi4ncFRuH
203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW5BLADX07H
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtVo8gKyTyu
203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3cPDQhWGZC
我頭也不回開門離家。203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG2acyMLqTx
203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwcBB0gFfFm
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzKotj5OJ0U
203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD0vuQ1ZmPd
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHvI7k8as0J
203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb33NctRY7d
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpUUzOhopH5
203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnTPkLXSGdC
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF4oSW9R1mv
203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZaQnGvVmHq
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt80EwwHJrk
203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUvGFXPJejK
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrGoLSh62AV
203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyU6X5SuzG5
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4Bx9WTEeUV
203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeGYziWtXiS
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUEvyHV6z4P
203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkwvljDWRIy
「你不開心？」203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHcPGDqcZ8X
203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyZsAfxsimf
「是的。但與你無關。」203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡExy9lLuTSY
203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWkz9eyf05I
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf39UPxySWp
203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKspCNIDj58
「還有菸嗎？」203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrqu8CNpWSy
203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡclOzUL3MR3
「有。」203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxfhrgc7FSp
203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMxh2XPo7Pm
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv7ZqSxJ13V
203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcLNYrL5zzR
「俊仔還好嗎？」203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIYuZtiTixQ
203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkK1NASUpxL
「與你無關。」203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiFW83zUYuG
203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpeJ47CB724
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGgtAZKI2RG
203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJSJxwq6ar7
我幽幽一笑。203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKakQ0cG0Pc
203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLNSn39oPXy
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYOS2pTd7ld
203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeabLs6JzAb
「多少？我付！」203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOAkODpOWMW
203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQKtEuT6AbO
「五萬七千五百元。」203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmMZpygiEIf
203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡujzd3pZ9Yc
「好！沒問題！小意思！」203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIdlg7odpvt
203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHegssStGZA
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡquRyEzzyMl
203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdyBt5xCOls
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqkRzYTMVLB
203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCv4ZQYoJhH
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHaWC5jQTGD
203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjNF16ZiVlD
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOdsSrceGZ0
203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ887AvNa2Av
「阿顧，對不起。」203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtCwS7tqgyO
203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ79No1KTxir
「道歉有屁用！」203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlC2gQ7NYYz
203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjYkRkUVke9
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbubAcwHKzR
203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ27TGP1xn89
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcwDjFtE4x0
203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYHxSFlHZNl
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaXpBuirbS2
203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ80kze6zCPo
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLCLDQiDs5S
203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj8R6C4M9SN
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ34GAdJF2K2
203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2RlaN5Ch1k
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTH3tJtKGvv
203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzGClLpkVp4
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjDkJlqvtcv
203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBpnhhwzfFG
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpoiRgHM5ey
203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV2DGcjma3v
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9Cds0JThrf
203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4U4CofkXAy
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡobnJl9Dj8W
203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpQQ3bzqbJA
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ66tPuaTn5c
203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmGuEI5yUPO
我活該……我活該……我活該……203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZUSILP6EqS
203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeZGxjFB0qU
我如此催眠自己。203Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3t6QIudHL9
註：此篇另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文配合。
ns18.224.180.100da2
