下班回家，淋浴。297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOkgpXWHKke
297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8AWUu2n8JB
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS7sCs5wHHL
297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvSMhGdedGY
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWWz6wQTTxC
297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjw1urso7nE
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVF6WCqaWmv
297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsk0A8uuwI2
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYyMHFZhqVV
297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZwUfWH5wB1
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5Sc6V7QfDu
297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM5R0foG3ZM
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFLJHfPoEXX
297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnOxhCmTNGH
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6mxjkN8FRU
297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7TQjy7ZICD
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpJImeqew4o
297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpCLEfR1XiO
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2gewhIcjvY
297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnHBzToJivB
啪——啪——297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvhIX46PDU8
297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyrxzLreyU6
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeCqf0WKPh5
297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH6pVqVYI7f
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQaOGJlry8Y
297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxdv6XiCInS
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaSx4JSYtpM
297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ4K5Nntk2x
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5UMQKo0Kid
297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ583yQS1s0q
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0rwwtHBkFx
297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡszqjyixhEt
算了吧。沒所謂。297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8uysVachNA
297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN4JuMhsCVY
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIadrOgUa7c
297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE9KMgBA1ux
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC5QyjELTdk
297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpSzrb7HQXd
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp0mdbposgs
297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXwGFQt2HGU
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnsWHDJbYkA
297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD0LdKPEjms
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgBx7c5vZNH
297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmLH0MA2arC
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuPNlwt032v
297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRz1BoroyHf
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjXsekjSvNm
297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTfKl47BThy
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdScdPjSghp
297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhABQkPT5R9
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDLAlBBwD8R
297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTrIYDjzJsl
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2dZqeMZFYn
297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH74bzqhUVL
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn38TkBv1G4
297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9bVHSHvei5
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfmCISd4BTV
297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLoJ6ruAFUX
我頭也不回開門離家。297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdb68livEqo
297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1eJP0kdICb
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkyw7PDIE0j
297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUR5Z1Rovkt
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3U87rb5u1B
297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqcw2n7DvOU
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfwL2NreLOf
297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS0BmLyz7nG
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwU9X7QfkDY
297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7TCnUy885H
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK8IsWn3qic
297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLr4XJEcRsu
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbNZdGFGd8L
297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmrUaRm6z6i
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLdJBAIOROq
297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPfLKA0300P
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡStBXQhkg0Z
297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkcegQu809R
「你不開心？」297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMTv1PNiViX
297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTaARxJiPQV
「是的。但與你無關。」297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEYxFVZphr0
297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡescbfJck99
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD6bklXFhL1
297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5ib7bTnOf7
「還有菸嗎？」297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs7Rx5RfuPE
297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3OhTxXQjD1
「有。」297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBUfgsPRIVr
297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvSdiwFBFfJ
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV99BwqAQgj
297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxtGQEBjr3N
「俊仔還好嗎？」297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfjDSvZRJWD
297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOrhyf1qVWV
「與你無關。」297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9y4cuM1r0G
297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsZUCkxH6ym
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUtQV0WvCjV
297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjnJXDplWjD
我幽幽一笑。297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI1glvdZ6OK
297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgYJb7udYbX
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrM0e3hHaoq
297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡth0i2RtjNC
「多少？我付！」297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS9QlQfoyyU
297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr97eaeomGr
「五萬七千五百元。」297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFR8G31NXOg
297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKaWNQeFHLg
「好！沒問題！小意思！」297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDjQzq6OylA
297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnOZ8sP0G58
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpDQMjb1LHG
297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0nTwx3nyJN
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyM4utGMv9E
297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqY9FN0KW6d
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKj2dBchF5s
297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoX3ETHpkYT
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOy8l8I4Ajk
297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6NR5VwCz4h
「阿顧，對不起。」297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3kKr0Z6oa5
297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnLGeebA57p
「道歉有屁用！」297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡivaOw0UepR
297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMl7KLZjoTZ
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7E0tsYRUJY
297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2eaHZopadR
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡICRf4jk4gZ
297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMHKBPmgC08
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi82otQomig
297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqfbxwZb6Dv
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaMZY6qezDH
297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb9Ha23gdEy
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLfId6XKowU
297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT5e06ByE0v
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb5Fx9ykKrt
297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9LlQD76PZS
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRfhtkc2JFl
297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbuuGZ5N9il
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU3aJPdEfE1
297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8GqJrYuyyp
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrnJ6plIaiC
297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡraunjrcHDW
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk9Rx6TOiDD
297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtfHjWkY8TM
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ41jQWajpkw
297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCyUO4KqHKu
我活該……我活該……我活該……297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNcPbcvMMBM
297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWIqfEiuUT1
我如此催眠自己。297Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiyyC3w6AaF
註：此篇另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文配合。
ns216.73.216.82da2
