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下班回家，淋浴。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsMdr1H16T6
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpTfWN8NyEV
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQyCKjYULN2
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrJ96pOZkBS
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzIckc4J0qb
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGxfHcyPcpg
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2pBhEECjTC
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQX5iwVxnLB
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ785ApiY7hx
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSBZcbdFwt4
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOAmKMtlIj0
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVhoG5nGHhD
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjXHWLW4ihL
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7bJXCknWMY
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLFPTOp2Frj
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1HazV1cDWD
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpPLtcGndqW
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡggRk4luByG
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmmzEncZSHI
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmhqDG3AwDO
啪——啪——266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ90tbrErmFT
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6AGBtzYFAS
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxxTHVd7s2R
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTXTQx7ZW46
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfIwDv2qYEp
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv7BE9N0IAA
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtZAe0YlcVU
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqLyuoQabl6
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU1HdpIPT0G
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHJMUMRYQol
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYfKkvFCV1u
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuNupoMNdmW
算了吧。沒所謂。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKteHUvFyMW
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9jFbqovXvo
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6bRBTSAdmR
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiXbHt6EoD8
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmNyWw7ZzpZ
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcHC6qxFAxs
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlTcVtNJKAa
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4SkhZAxWLD
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW5RFqqjdWu
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjHWIlx9pWe
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZyE1tFscnW
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1KS4psBvdI
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiBD9qslQxh
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡazR5JQ6Wkd
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGUYUFYMaOP
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0wF5Exh49h
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGaZXoNAzSv
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsdiXBIhOOF
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKWS4IeSgJD
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkkr8SAUteQ
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg2n9Apyzp8
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRSapAECpoq
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9bPBxGih9j
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZLRBLaPZEg
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSxlPTeLL6V
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBeveQUt8nN
我頭也不回開門離家。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLRWz5bvvp6
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLfhak4s7Fc
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡszE48ut9ta
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡilObAmCRWm
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1Bii1esjZa
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2ZptXOFFpU
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6K3Z7JAjzB
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF5eAR2KRBQ
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrqXhinYTuJ
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeb2yQWYhRy
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzdQNrBmts1
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN7QgsfK9Q7
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVvdWQTuprf
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnSfer1y0IJ
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpGRsUKrnpK
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡar9JvpwYH4
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcKoLkbzev1
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfgvhI7A5SI
「你不開心？」266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuUhfpmpLLi
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZYNl5Cqiaz
「是的。但與你無關。」266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9pucjQGpWy
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMPMFwxxvc8
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYD0F2s8gWr
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9JCh6Y9xNU
「還有菸嗎？」266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIYleuCEGCe
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDFmN2Z6Dju
「有。」266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdhQqgt2gW0
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ66Bliqc7UE
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfJ8501XO9y
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhqjjvczF0n
「俊仔還好嗎？」266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy8xLE1DaYN
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6cDaSZMUsB
「與你無關。」266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3Qv4HTgdkk
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTIEYgWcRqx
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5btzIUYrEf
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqnAMET5Emw
我幽幽一笑。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwtx29C2AD2
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH4Vce82ewU
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxcT2xW5FP0
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqJNZho6nA8
「多少？我付！」266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfi9UOe5wj0
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbPdtC1twkV
「五萬七千五百元。」266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNW6Pa0J1ux
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeHmq8Mq9bf
「好！沒問題！小意思！」266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡosZ79DYuOq
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaoYloVfMwd
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3tQz3wfWWT
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyFA4WCabed
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡunllh3aHjH
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSWxvoxe1ZL
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjEgre6WqpV
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH8TcQEbx3P
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfP17lUzjUx
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyrhnZUopUs
「阿顧，對不起。」266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUzMhxgGCAe
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRfLpPzn9Ul
「道歉有屁用！」266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3cCZwCU9Ok
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjmG80EsJAn
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwdNXxY8jxk
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJalMVnuvLu
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLsBXtZli3N
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbk8aJ7RJHA
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWPeY7FE3en
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnn1ueLEuXH
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGHOIE4KIEK
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlhU4hIUtQh
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsfmawV7wCd
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg1Zajh4EdO
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyMkA980vaR
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOiwucnNgV0
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQqFoEtttk6
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKX5wZaOMMW
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ260pk1F8oh
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSXSAkPrInF
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNe4DXZJYAP
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr2CAZdY5fH
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs6uU9BeFwU
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1cibUnvayg
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7wvFRsckPk
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpiIvLHPYqG
我活該……我活該……我活該……266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvcvCmb2C9l
266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdgTwnSzleJ
我如此催眠自己。266Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXgvx5z0F1c
註：此篇另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文配合。
ns216.73.216.197da2
