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下班回家，淋浴。248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9QUMEgnsj5
248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpheWjZvJbl
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkbthVx2TOc
248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqOnFnGQ3Mb
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAQFKoOt2VH
248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZX3R8ezQf1
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ749K4WmjC6
248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBMYx1Rkcwq
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3CeuNISiTg
248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFgjddOWSLL
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ10UGpBKkIi
248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzcIrF7GeGY
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMuYfoJHinM
248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeic1npE1K4
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiXhtdzBSQT
248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡanBrmAtnkA
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV8ZDIrKt7f
248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGZcwb541mr
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq3jp48wEBD
248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRI2wxLYg7q
啪——啪——248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDrrPwwZcwB
248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBE4hpRRRQx
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡujfl6sRNUb
248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUHOp5o1d1g
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUyO0mSjkms
248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4cFZYB4Nie
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFUaQlmVxiM
248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgK5iEfxWYc
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb8rYkuGDlo
248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4Xjg24AdmX
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMDmdzUhWCw
248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOKPbuOHzd6
算了吧。沒所謂。248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdzEXPT7RLg
248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqVNTeev3N1
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdw3YJv6eup
248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbisSC5Z3OB
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvUBOE8foOI
248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbnZ3mz8gWA
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFTXoolbIbW
248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡChNc2VXbVR
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3d2QwnLHEM
248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPFyJy9a1iB
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡysPYwFGL9Z
248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtTEu2eZceG
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU6N8URaf1k
248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9CIaXAY6oZ
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUEDkCaTr70
248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnxRsGfyZLm
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXWmsR90M7M
248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwFZKneo62A
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlSvcRBJuiM
248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx7ggYe27rA
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAON20MKY2I
248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcz5Mt8XZi8
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCVbgbXz14J
248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPyiYm0glYa
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjHwTMaCGuA
248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx5TSgoFQbL
我頭也不回開門離家。248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqsJ8O3MutZ
248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8BltnvFgTs
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCXUzHp7Jzf
248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsOOH8mugKq
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsGxVGTpAFS
248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnLHcmk0Vrm
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5JzJdoz2fF
248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJVLV3WldRw
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqfAKbQd3v3
248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx5K8XfbqRG
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHHFGbgEi2B
248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡep6LzNQGyJ
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkkoiyHrfBF
248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡctBVOq8YkB
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYTS8cky7zx
248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn6NMnImA8Q
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKGA8kOfih8
248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡczXiSabskr
「你不開心？」248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeuTXFjK3EM
248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnhj6Z7O5nl
「是的。但與你無關。」248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfEd9P1b2ed
248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPygg5t1POU
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy6DbUztha9
248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPQgz8kYabX
「還有菸嗎？」248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa9JnPMXHHW
248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKlcCTgTCfx
「有。」248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡapofejxpTL
248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ82SmrEURHk
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsFZAAn4Uud
248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEN1semNNWY
「俊仔還好嗎？」248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLSEJoKBY3S
248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWWZrnGPx6u
「與你無關。」248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjA7zeWpnVv
248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnDYB1z2tuq
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI55xDGlSXI
248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCaoRZk4MOF
我幽幽一笑。248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsDtixiWXH1
248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8TUCxGHoFf
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9rKUyYpNMu
248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ25hYPwD08J
「多少？我付！」248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4Q1SGV2yaj
248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoWtRmGhbSw
「五萬七千五百元。」248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRgukkMwh60
248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7g4KfL8KcB
「好！沒問題！小意思！」248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNlYGbDCifl
248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJpHOZul65A
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw5gSV0wFbK
248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8aNqkqDiBx
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIcyuSolw3i
248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw74ZfpG5R0
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ4OWfAek0N
248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAOjKvSMwmk
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW0RhlrGVGk
248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHNCEOSO07s
「阿顧，對不起。」248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD0y9DZft4W
248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuTvOTPE1m8
「道歉有屁用！」248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwsriVqTvMw
248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVB0T58zl16
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9NmYAmbEaS
248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8fFbLwglSl
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv8Ae9uM3wk
248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyrb9XFgV26
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwXiUWV1LOH
248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsYo5GVWUnM
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ99BziIUuqv
248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ23DQvvMbyF
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC9QQ97ZS81
248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUz9DZbCkc7
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDOj0tOgWsy
248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYYG19Zu0xK
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡADYv7B3xQP
248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoOsnZ3FD3R
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTC1tboJFwZ
248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWGuXemT6i8
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiMR0K9Vh7s
248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuKtP6da5ye
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM27GHQ1ZLN
248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhr9Nyn7uc5
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDQrOov1yuD
248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8jlGOYolkq
我活該……我活該……我活該……248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGofLNhrfrv
248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2pN1mxbTjn
我如此催眠自己。248Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuycEAZdOrJ
註：此篇另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文配合。
ns216.73.216.213da2
