x
下班回家，淋浴。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡasxFsRl61a
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8PufjsdFVE
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRS5YdKZNtI
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI7ObikOq19
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv6XDghYqNP
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs5xGDQMlOe
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzihxd55eo5
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaNVApL2ih8
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjmbA7hiUfm
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHS5gB9RAyk
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcK6leIaXLx
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg414ttJHGR
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6eBp83rOew
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5oKS34qiur
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiCjuEfZBEx
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ44nPJUeuJS
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY2TkHYQgyO
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSxgIvLogJv
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgSVLZaEAFj
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAJU6W4zX6B
啪——啪——273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI1JTH4ctzl
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ93dHBavPl3
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMe11pFaI8w
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrNJOGa9CQN
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdhDMDMhpxS
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYi2WrytqBb
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMbAaJgLRdy
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ89UgTjDQWr
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMDiRq5ugD1
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwEGUtFTcTg
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3UiFwn83Oo
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLrX6FGrQUS
算了吧。沒所謂。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU7kKsz7she
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpNZpe87oyK
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5lK85DBTuv
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHe7kO3TMe4
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7xxp8ONzo9
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3s0K9WWC0Y
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHC88NQl4W2
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx13SnsVJjP
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDpr0IGqZPd
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5SqBVjxYEh
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡStE9sVhEhy
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLt3RwP0cOD
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhNen2u7UkA
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVVnx53OASH
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3E8Uz5MNHs
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfvNVfJY03Y
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbTQjYJ9Pn3
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPMKmNVtrLL
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsE8ddZ0vwB
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzObi7HRai6
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt4z7UwbWhL
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPqbvrN5PbY
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡse0h3OWpZb
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEqxhj5ieHw
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc6RGPaLwOM
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrESZyfufPy
我頭也不回開門離家。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSpjfjUMBJy
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwPdOWZPemD
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTZvuM4AOEW
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQRNgRNVFaT
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbZj13wKmKn
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkrEpCeV6qj
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAwDv5kOPRv
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1hg3UfFnC8
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz1m2uaqHat
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp6q6jjo86o
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPJCbCF0g0W
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtKiQCEOCgM
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0IEIuHkxZ8
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2qIWNYtqck
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX8UsSuBwfm
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPMwqS2zaWi
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYLL3CK6e8B
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡctO0d0aOAJ
「你不開心？」273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU7accsTcPX
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzaGslzo0E8
「是的。但與你無關。」273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZt0vgJz8fg
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRbCkxxQX3U
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡivtiSXnZPc
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGLCBAnYpuF
「還有菸嗎？」273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkKqkJxoo90
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbVuNHQmT8l
「有。」273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ65f7gZFCg0
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6tuu4kvLrc
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO9msy1XbUd
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1r2peVFYVW
「俊仔還好嗎？」273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMQAAiuyPA1
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmL3i0kep06
「與你無關。」273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo1QtNkerwU
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI7QPupZ4BM
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR0rPUDgaC3
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGPrypRRUfP
我幽幽一笑。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMp7AsBeXpT
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7foM8KwQKJ
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBQgJKKLkKc
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpaWwSCjzul
「多少？我付！」273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbbhwcdp7MG
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgPXUMLCLGk
「五萬七千五百元。」273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQRyKzqEvNI
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGo9ccqtvcn
「好！沒問題！小意思！」273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSVnoPIcJLz
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsVgYRSG1O7
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDaybX2T17J
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf9BOYmW4Xz
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEFYAHcy5IU
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsaJ3nE3fuV
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD1aXzpMcuy
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9DfLXm03iN
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ27BDTsdfqr
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZWrAWJP2EM
「阿顧，對不起。」273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxcmqkh2AxL
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9Hzwe5o8AC
「道歉有屁用！」273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUpqq6kJhqz
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqpF3FqBmgd
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiQE2dvS9Y3
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQiSzLG2ujm
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu6diuxVu7H
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz0viVzLqEL
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYvPQe9tfU6
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg8bT0iOYVw
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7SzCxnSQuG
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLApHtIsvuk
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJBJYlSP6qP
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu0RIOLjILG
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA8s4VmJJo8
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ3VRUCKaLY
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL9V8pb5qav
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVDUCIaAeiu
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8siZIupJLL
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡscR2GNvQ2B
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6PCHRur6Qz
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb0rccz0sU0
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFA6oq4jUKy
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGS7c6VyDFA
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn6B4DUpLmK
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMSugJ4uKuz
我活該……我活該……我活該……273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUpzEhZC2M1
273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWF3MKR8vXq
我如此催眠自己。273Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5aGLp4FYWl
註：此篇另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文配合。
ns216.73.216.8da2
