I once heard a statistic that getting married before the age of 22… has a 78% chance of ending in divorce. Soak that in. I was twenty when I got married, Bryce was about to turn 24, I believe.
So, let’s unpack this together for a moment, shall we? Alright. I have not revealed everything that happened behind closed doors while growing up at home, and I probably never will, just to clear that up — because despite everything that happened with my dad and that entire side of my family, he is still my dad and I love him and that side of my family very much. Though many more… situations… occurred that I didn’t make a point to mention, I am still very aware that my particular situation isn’t as bad as some other people’s situations, and that mine could have been significantly worse. Does that make the experience any easier to experience and deal with for years into adulthood? No… of course not — but I am just making it clear that I’m aware it could have been worse for me, but I am certainly grateful that it wasn’t. Okay, so more unpacking of this quote.
The quote starts out, “One of the hardest parts of childhood neglect is spending your life trying to be picked as a priority.” Let’s start there. I was constantly trying to seek positive attention and wanting to be picked as a priority — or even feeling loved — by my dad. I have spent my entire life just trying to be chosen, so to speak, and wanting to be included and involved. That takes us to the next part of the quote. “It’s realizing you become close to people with the intent to prove your worth rather than be met where you are.” I talked about my past jobs and work history and how hard I tried to fit into my surroundings, but also fit into situations where it was obvious I was either a third wheel or just not wanted there. I would constantly find myself doing the absolute most in attempts to garner people wanting me around or just want to hang out with me… but no one was willing or trying to get to know me and what my interests were as much as I was trying to do that for them. I was constantly going out of my way trying to impress others and just be included, and I couldn’t be my true self. This ultimately takes us to the last part of the quote where it sums things up nicely with a pretty bow, “The healing is not in new people, but rescuing that child.” That one probably requires the most unpacking.
I had to find myself over the years. I thought I knew who I was and what I wanted out of life, but I genuinely had no idea. I have always said that not once in my life, have I been one hundred percent genuinely happy — not even a hundred percent… like maybe seventy-five percent, and that mentality I possessed was up until I was at about thirty-five years of age. When they say that the first year of marriage is the hardest, they’re not wrong. My husband and I separated after about a year of marriage, only for a few days, but quickly made amends and reconciled. Just last year in 2023, we separated again for about eight months… but that was all on me.
I may have been searching for healing in new people. I didn’t discover that my… rescuer, per sé, was right there under my nose the entire time: my husband. It just took me time to realize that. Growing up, unless I was around my maternal grandparents that truly were the sheer definition of a true love story, I never really saw what a healthy relationship was supposed to look like. You also have to think, I grew up with a wolf in sheep’s clothing that acted completely different in public than in private, so I also wondered if the love I would see between other marriages was real or just a façade.
I had a lot of growing up to do when I got married — I just wasn’t aware of that fact until just recently when I made a very eye-opening realization. Going back to the end of the quote where it mentions the child needing rescued, not newness… my husband was quite literally my white knight on a steed rescuing me from my tower. And the eight months that we were separated, he never left my side. We were living in separate rooms and I was doing nothing but pushing him away — granted, I think I was having a manic episode for a bit during that timeframe from my bipolar (if manic episodes even last that long).
But the fact remains — he never left or abandoned me.
He gave me the space I needed as far as both just needing my own space and my fight-or-flight moments.
He continued to help me with household chores.
He continued to cook for us.
He continued to care for me when I needed it, as well as our fur babies.
I was doing everything I could to push him away — yet, he never faltered.
I know it sounds like he does everything in the marriage, and I’m gonna be honest.
He does.
Listen, as we previously discussed — my body determines my days for me.
Oh, you made plans?18Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdOhtlBD32X
How nice.18Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOpCXwxiBFt
Cancel them.18Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa3JfCpNTwh
Your body has decided it doesn’t like the plans you made.18Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ34zkvVUlqT
You’re staying home in bed.
But you better believe, when I do have the energy for literally anything — you best bet your sweet ass I’m gonna do it. My husband may have an issue with that as he likes to do everything for me, and my body will for sure regret it later just further exacerbating my severe and chronic fatigue… but I’m gonna do it if I feel like it. I just recently found out that the amazingly beautiful and talented singer Halsey has both leukemia and lupus, as well and, I honestly don’t know how she does what she does. The fatigue alone… whew! It’s killer.
I went off-topic for a bit, my apologies.
My husband is not without his faults and flaws just like every human being on earth, but if a husband could be perfect… mine would most definitely meet those eligibility requirements, for sure. I honestly don’t know how I got so blessed with him, because I know for a fact that I do not deserve him. I hate that I took so long to finally realize that for myself because it truly did. I spent my entire life being a welcome mat after people discovered early on that I was a people pleaser, as previously discussed, therefore some people took advantage of that. I bring this up here because I honestly think I may have done the same thing with my husband. I think I realized early on in our relationship that he would do anything for me, much like I did for everyone else, so I think I may have taken advantage of that, I can admit it. He has always taken such amazing care of me and always helped me with anything I needed help with and continues to do so. I needed a wake-up call to see that, and I think our temporary separation helped with that because I was finally able to observe for myself just how unconditionally his love for me is. He truly is my rescuer, my knight in shining armor or whatever you want to call it… he immediately helped me out of my situation at home, cared for and loved me even when I fought him on it and didn’t love myself, and has done nothing but be there for me through thick and thin. I honestly have no idea how I got so lucky to find someone as amazing as him, but I thank God for him every day. Seventeen years later and I love him more now than I ever have, and I would never want to take him — or his love — for granted. I just hope we can keep defying the odds together.
That’s not to say I won’t have my moments or need my space — but when I do, he’s gotten good at respecting that. He used to struggle with that part, but once I was able to express just how important the whole concept of “fight or flight” was, he got so much better and improved significantly.
With that being said, there’s a lot more to things… a lot that he and I are working through behind the scenes. We have a solid plan in place for us and will always be in one another’s lives regardless of how things play out as neither of us can predict the future. There’s a lot to be done between us, but there’s also a lot of history and love there between us.
I always felt a strong sense of obligation in every single scenario growing up in order to maintain that perfect image, and I think he gets that. I have always been either told how to feel, or heavily swayed how to feel, and he’s aware of that. Maybe that’s why I think the world of politics would be a much easier environment if a toddler ruled it.
But, honestly… okay, hear me out here.18Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE11pyWWGYT
•Toddlers soak up information like a sponge, so they’d learn jobs faster and easier.18Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfqXydMkCbj
•Toddlers are always popping random items into their mouths, so their immune systems are strong, therefore barely any sick days. (This is probably far from the case, so please take this one lightly… I’m only a dog parent.)18Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpi6J3F493k
•Toddlers can be bribed with gummy bears… so no mean bosses.18Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc0RIQVgMwM
•Toddlers say what they’re thinking — so no misunderstandings — which also means no backstabbing18Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO1HaTXd80t
•Toddlers can be so innocent. They see someone in need and they offer what they can in the moment to make someone else happy… even if that means sacrificing their own candy, ya know? You see some children that are just so loving and nurturing.
I said some… don’t come for me.
The last and most argumentative reason, though, is toddlers… are… everywhere. Therefore… they can get more done.
Wouldn’t it be nice if you could bottle energy like that and sell it? I’d buy me some good energy!
I had another ADHD moment there… my apologies. I went from appreciating my husband regardless of whatever happens with us in the future, to ranting about why children should run the world.
I see a shiny bouncy ball, or a pretty butterfly or an adorable bunny rabbit and I go off into a whole other world of endless possibilities. Sorry about that. You know, I get most of my quirks from my Nana.
One time, we were at a family function and my cousin’s wife brought these neat little paper things to play with. You light this special type of paper on fire, and you watch as it disintegrates in your hand. Well, I’m a pinch off Nana’s butt cheek, being just as easily amused with the fascinating paper as she was. She took off with that burning paper in her hand to the living room where my Papaw was watching football.
Not even two minutes went by, and my Papaw came making his way through the kitchen, clutching something in his hand. He stood over the garbage bin and began wiping away burnt, ashy debris from the palms of his hands. He made his way over to the sink… all cool, calm, and collected… which is his natural temperament.
You know the kind… the John Wayne-loving type that resembled the Elvis Presley and Danny Zuko greaser-type growing up. He then begins making his way out of the kitchen when he stops to look at us with the most serious of looks on his face before saying, “Stop giving your Nana things to play with.” He then proceeded to walk away without so much as another word.
