BLOOD AND HUMAN MEAT
Phobia from the perspective of a girl named Khushi.Written by a friend who finally decided to tell her story.
I love animals.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYy00Och1og
I really do.But I can’t go near them. Not because I’m scared of them—But because I’m scared of me.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEDiv9RRKe2
I’ve always had this... space inside me.An emptiness that hums. It feels cold and loud and quiet all at once.I try to ignore it. But sometimes it whispers.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡroIkad0pLr
And sometimes, it screams.
I remember the first time it really happened.One second I was laughing with my younger brother—The next, I was slamming his head into the table.Again.And again.And again.Until he stopped moving.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA1mnrayzft
I didn’t want to.But I couldn’t stop.When it was over, I cried so hard I couldn’t breathe.That was the day I knew: something was wrong with me.
It got worse.I started craving blood. Not in a fantasy way. In a physical way.I imagined tearing into the people I loved.My parents.My friends.Alive.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡptQxRwKHlB
Their skin. Their smell. Their muscles pulling away from bone.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqeaSdBRsNj
I stopped eating. I stopped sleeping. I stopped touching anyone.To keep them safe, I hurt myself.Scratched my skin raw.Bruised my own body with blunt objects.I counted 110 scars across my legs, my arms, my torso—like tally marks in a prison I built myself.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg9Q8wlhtcG
I didn’t want to die.I wanted to be caged.
For one year, I rotted quietly.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8arS50zHpc
Then one night, I caught myself watching my father with a hunger in my eyes that terrified me.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqexZ4DTWky
I left home the next day.
I moved into a PG far from the city.I begged for a single room. Didn’t get it.Luckily, my roommates were never there when I was.It was like the world was giving me space to fall apart.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKZ8sahvnPW
I tried to die seven times.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZgzwI07WWH
Jumped from a balcony.Held a knife to my throat.Grabbed a live wire.Stood in front of speeding cars.I always failed. Some part of me—just a thread—held on.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb4Bicgx44m
But the cravings didn’t stop.So I bought handcuffs. Three of them.Every night, I locked my wrists and ankles together before bed, just in case.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ23BoHJzdJr
I didn’t want to become a monster in my sleep.
Six months later, I stood naked in front of a mirror and counted the injuries again.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxB7XIQrFWK
There were more now.Too many to hide.Too many to keep living like this.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh1yMeeDIr8
So I asked for help.
The psychologist listened. Didn’t flinch.He said my obsession with blood and flesh was a twisted coping mechanism.A need for control.A desperate scream for power in a world where I once felt powerless.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTdVAx2MQyV
He said something inside me had snapped long ago.Something I'd never been taught to name.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZl4b6pUrIy
Now I’ve been in treatment for three months.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHwUCQecNyO
Still breathing.Still afraid.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfiyymRrlkg
Still me.
I don’t know if I’ll ever be "better."I don’t even know what “better” looks like.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMs4EmrD2eV
But at least now, the monster isn’t hiding.It’s sitting across from me in the mirror.And we’re learning how to live together—without killing anyone.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvmLL8c2hJt
Not today.Not again.
[Optional Epilogue: From an Outsider’s Eyes]
22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeCPhfGK4guShe talks like she’s made of glass, but her eyes are iron.You wouldn’t know what she’s survived unless she told you. You wouldn’t believe her even if she did.But I do. Because sometimes the ones who scare themselves the most… are the ones still trying to protect the world from their darkness.22Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKXgNQ9qjUN
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