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下班回家，淋浴。462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmSYgoYedI1
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ85njZ4n3Fy
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGAj9m6jl6P
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSqIN0eWxKK
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS7PTPrwuPA
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAgoDbPisHV
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzO8GePgQax
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6WHsbzPqBi
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT9Nkk3qYRU
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQh1wc6SdgM
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMyd3hbF7AB
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡltLSGIs5YL
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkaeOz24YVP
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYmrQ57IZr5
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2jmfc2iRNQ
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡieBuEBdYVF
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfEXmSU3gv0
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvdEHp5erAp
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD932CmmVCu
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4BSSCPgdE7
啪——啪——462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8r4T3MLAOO
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvLE0l6RZ5V
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzQDL08ue8c
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡisiNd2XGcg
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOzyZTfvskR
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE3GzO6sN8d
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN23dpEmAI8
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLpudoaBBhu
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvHJncUTfjC
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM7DYCoOzuN
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡASRLB4UTvj
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmYvU8ZT6rh
算了吧。沒所謂。462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJaQPRlU2PR
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzXgy5crJVM
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡddsHkTqFKN
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcXlKpCROhm
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡosLNmf3HEo
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7KQByS2OmA
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUIgSHyqWfh
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3bjPhVfWNe
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnaUFULzj8P
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9iAu9Z2HVi
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1gFSATtP3k
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsVS1MGLkO7
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPwZtzAohyh
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡipoPMfIMe9
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7bNYd4qiC0
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWaaQWJW1xS
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVlsldClZwN
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWUECwAzN8I
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvsdHNS7iXQ
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1ZWcLnTJWV
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgeWPq1KQNS
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdD8aun9QYd
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZCiabkNiZE
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0EaUt8DVa1
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcz2aVGBnnh
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU6bU3Lq1Y6
我頭也不回開門離家。462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaWRJrafi9Q
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSkJIlWGk15
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk0engSWai7
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbsuDlVQ6aK
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhbV7hc7HbW
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzpImeK7fM2
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4qd5Z0gKfS
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsIxEMBaK3g
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGTAQkh6WAj
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡknOu9dQP6G
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9LUhVXGzeQ
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOhfgA5LipC
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhFSyL7hw6e
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡloxpuQ9cbW
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiIKM4UN6OV
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwwpbzVHGkE
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ9v08rZFdY
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaYWDPF1PMR
「你不開心？」462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuoqlPujcDY
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgWK0y1gWMo
「是的。但與你無關。」462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYZfecWiste
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKEzFZyL4L1
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg7roY6um36
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWkkPDB65B3
「還有菸嗎？」462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvHxSB3DA15
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS9P7CTF4CK
「有。」462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeN5ZOHg2oq
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn0QPKECJnm
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8lAJ6vYLaN
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9OjJpOjO8a
「俊仔還好嗎？」462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc2kBehns4D
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9q4M773vGe
「與你無關。」462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUusIJkG0zh
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9LQTavXbQz
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡky5Qnmd0Dh
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOgf64RmPQL
我幽幽一笑。462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxcxAP2CeGr
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0ljjxowZP4
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡto94M8yVLP
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwQUeOTogNz
「多少？我付！」462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgIez8IDGRs
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVcgYjCk7BY
「五萬七千五百元。」462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhIKXgyHg1I
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmucrBialt7
「好！沒問題！小意思！」462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8Tl3tpvNCY
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD5ccxbpf2U
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9wr6j5Mr7m
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrA9vFULn4a
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdrsFD1xhhn
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMiE62xs5JJ
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrQ9rgI7Gth
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS3cyKfKlhc
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEuXOGS3unM
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡshK8qjHeLF
「阿顧，對不起。」462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfbaQXZaI8L
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwP7SOWgg2e
「道歉有屁用！」462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS2MF9I7iMe
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7aUjRUbtlR
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfP4XLGN2PT
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ18nAiuzoc6
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡokA3agPapE
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHf3UxruKs9
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0oYjAwILlX
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsoPMVbRZZl
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBWp5cZzkhr
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT8NXL4iTLW
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB3GIoVh8kR
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2pT8h9hDTg
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzKBWCVhcNu
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmnM58tsi5x
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYvLnkCdcLZ
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsA47akorU0
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe4IowUnoGk
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaCjMzKiFJr
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWI7LK2J4EV
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS7Z97sbmoG
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBa0RS3FcP1
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4piNh0572e
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHuXRhaJZFQ
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCwpCK9E3xt
我活該……我活該……我活該……462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIngt32rfzQ
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbfqG6g0BBX
我如此催眠自己。462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhKr3SxSinS
註：另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》內。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文。
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