x
下班回家，淋浴。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3KjbJCnt1B
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFKp96CWGEm
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8mUb8RZbAk
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpYVBN9BlHE
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrHug9TMvO0
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMWHngZXCjT
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL1l1BxXILx
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYGuFmppE5y
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiYtovzHCPe
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4MvHmyGRGC
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHS2Ikm1G1o
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqrvJx70I4r
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjivlgwZAOr
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ46VHXqglzN
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV6Pf74ORvT
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnnnTtYDDV6
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡibygOnPxaF
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRqol3lsGtc
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMKABJnl26c
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjoxGxgNzoR
啪——啪——390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnwYY7jDkDt
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡObW3ZqJeY2
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ92cRNzr83i
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPnGT0usoLI
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdm0xkiLPEa
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQFAoG7aqOa
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrNFixoJSdr
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHG7LeH3219
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡitRInzGfMV
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbIHBvYpDA4
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhhN7rRhOeQ
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2Jufgj6N70
算了吧。沒所謂。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEUO0RAN4fz
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8q2kZqBGS5
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVaOojvbZI3
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcEA6fRG1zE
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrhoheiBUzV
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7QZ6A7H6Zp
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjyJjNGniEW
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDhp6WGfWr4
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5s3PBnKkWp
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpTE3uNqukR
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqJR33g2qDS
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ30Gg4BBnQX
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIw3Wmcv7um
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVPPUMJLaOc
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS71Y06EGGJ
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYg1CJOxmCE
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGc3U79oXLX
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfCt2uMA6i2
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHXBqP05frF
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8MA6HQeGmX
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfhst7udYpw
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7vPMwUwoPL
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxAXaghJRGw
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuYeEVeRTp2
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvn4CaRMDxR
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLwl9WLIt10
我頭也不回開門離家。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyvFBzPyZXa
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡws395LQg47
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCvmalpQHNW
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhA2o8kttoz
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIyhahMqp5i
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY4T5Qb1va5
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW5LR7bm24J
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvXfmUiYo1o
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHrIiFqfPy5
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk0OlM98sma
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8PpyIR2dIY
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhyn4Bdn8gt
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnJdwoPqcdv
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmugrongQyh
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC4FDMk2kPl
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡynR3a9xTmr
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9gfsNDLsGm
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZmgUQMndXI
「你不開心？」390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5r6X8BwU9I
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvrmB3AMcjo
「是的。但與你無關。」390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxYtiqAQ7jD
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNZkc3Mj864
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSJBHteAnOr
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwXPUKny7Ip
「還有菸嗎？」390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOREqP3EOhr
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYdj280gVSI
「有。」390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBcyXbFERm3
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGjacBtuktO
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkPybfMNxCO
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjT7JLAc2nA
「俊仔還好嗎？」390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJtuQfO9YoJ
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsgRyQubkcc
「與你無關。」390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAcmXSqOJoQ
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvJQ8iSvYWk
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYjEvgNW7Jv
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPHa9j0Idsd
我幽幽一笑。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKV1AnMHqrL
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWraSrCltUA
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGWKrZ0SVeb
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGrsxoTz2po
「多少？我付！」390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgRRQ61dxpB
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb3Pdwx9B8L
「五萬七千五百元。」390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNf7dliAkQz
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdpNE5ndOJy
「好！沒問題！小意思！」390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI9Qr4RHfOl
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCPp2yHI6bM
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPvQ1xADz6i
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnccLCHav5W
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfg8PStIDPS
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi1UUht7Sxu
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiBunIJ3W51
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtBc1VjB2rM
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUHzLtyWivU
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaJ13e7rNnh
「阿顧，對不起。」390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE13VHyIAsA
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD1oAqfshhW
「道歉有屁用！」390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTkdbYU7F2R
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi7ChQNxUlQ
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7DcmugeTy6
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRakP4JHQRp
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5wtsLN5gq5
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2sKi2GlaQ8
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2Fzc16OM8y
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxvOsQ0glR3
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1vHzCLPQsn
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoN9koIloI8
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNFqLO7eomY
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4nIq3lQpnp
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzn0dDfKIOE
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxPlGmoArva
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTOthrZWZSx
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ1zLQq2oDQ
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYOvApCqHiD
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaXXCuIbaz0
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrjidF8A8ke
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG5AVlo7S1D
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjxhJhr3ICa
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ87U9eiWn8f
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnUvzwFrHyA
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFDlHmbBMLN
我活該……我活該……我活該……390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcUK4dpsTXX
390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKXJxuWi1Ru
我如此催眠自己。390Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmTDuJ4sJvc
註：另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》內。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文。
ns3.14.152.212da2
