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下班回家，淋浴。418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGbxMb3OvEG
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqKUOOU7TB5
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPMNMQC9SoF
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSmMYV8dxvt
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡblyK0TQu8n
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxC50FBJAzi
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZmOpJTkFK2
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡar6RmDKmP0
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3ppGt5Wpsa
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhYRA7CPi9f
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG3DNzyDHwi
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAOnnkS1hn4
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZKfDeteMWu
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEHB73IQ44f
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvzLp9vitZD
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzQ1YTw9eiG
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSNkgv1ctgE
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDPb1u4IxmL
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHgOC96SXQ6
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt7R4eu9HSR
啪——啪——418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgGD6bIAPSx
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoNtamjzSDt
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ06oLzJ0Fcd
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnSx7oJkkoz
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcML9GVMy5E
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6530mTjIZG
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqJtZHQUiU3
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1ptixKmh7u
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcqbe6vbyuM
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3fdss2B6zp
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ98Kj1nALBO
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrKTeHX5VlP
算了吧。沒所謂。418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3XDKQycqn8
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBo7AjlnVes
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrzFhWaz3AI
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMjCGWPWXYb
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMIxtariJo6
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjgd0WFc4wn
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdYs1UZ7D8q
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2og7dpt0Cf
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNkkQUIeOuZ
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1NMKyE8j62
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfDlcbZm6wk
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY8FpEuUt4y
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwM4Xd20wdQ
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmTVXgSWMxN
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMZA56brgOK
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡupVamz1YoG
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTWGiuKtsmz
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡinXvf23HFX
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcWvaozS5BY
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC8L5VyMX5G
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDh8118y0hv
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwYXT2qskqY
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeAPz2kXpVU
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkoDIMbzwB9
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ09pgZHqEhG
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡle56JNA31d
我頭也不回開門離家。418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡljORJg3pk0
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg7zDU72rtL
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzXQEHvrw13
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1UhElXo5JV
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv8TItekqdx
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1ADYogXEPO
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3g7PsCSe0Z
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGFm0wvxIAf
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL9QhbHnWwH
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRSYjztEuSR
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPJk3DCb5d5
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5cvLPcDYNM
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIPM4c7A5C0
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0WXtJJKPcP
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbwNHor1r5T
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUiWGyKYH42
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVIkLdbigAp
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlq0mtYARfc
「你不開心？」418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLIiAVW0X3A
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOCAOAXUhNE
「是的。但與你無關。」418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaQZWmrvE11
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVbRorN03Xf
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy8IBpRfgqU
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEw6ceOM2Rr
「還有菸嗎？」418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2WkfwP2P4b
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWdPUeB7JVr
「有。」418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDN16dAOIPH
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuFFEs3pIjh
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVRTVeI2JFE
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDqb0tjq18b
「俊仔還好嗎？」418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuyYkwNwuV0
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt5hDB0Jiu0
「與你無關。」418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhI3MNBK5WS
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD6XVtLjkCr
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA1HEEpjRRZ
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLkC6qVczKb
我幽幽一笑。418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW8H4dikfdk
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRP1EvbDmKQ
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9ZooiCjN29
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAGMR44JmDk
「多少？我付！」418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdwkfSd8OGG
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDuVp6iupzN
「五萬七千五百元。」418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxQ2rldJvSd
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR15UquCRox
「好！沒問題！小意思！」418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdmULeUWC1W
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQs6moXeRgW
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ52xggxMeZy
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3cT1dUfgRT
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWlLRtvGGds
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD3eE0hmBQ7
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrOycfdjVxJ
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXRxkiqIBij
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqwuRuP1w9x
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1nCdgJkrof
「阿顧，對不起。」418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE0GFnVBENP
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhoMPIpjdPp
「道歉有屁用！」418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjGLa8J8G4J
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEEkwy85QK8
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeGQr4ciroQ
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhMWMzRFGxq
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMJKXxPhEPe
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxYPcRltFQK
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM1JpUBQmAS
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMg32rsTinm
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ6GeOFh8eL
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTyJZbyC9E5
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgRwOPi9C5Y
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt8VeFy63nS
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8poe2ntos9
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbMvGtkYk6k
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqqPd3LQHX7
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjA5hm4iu6d
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqC4lTxGxMR
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJNuZXttSHR
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfuoJjdK0tH
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPiiTOzrjkN
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpwwhvVQkRq
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV4FE7sv8GY
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAUpfrirgzu
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhOsPdBr9ju
我活該……我活該……我活該……418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFJEJXdNAFC
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhEQeLeu2bL
我如此催眠自己。418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR93ZwSxIvs
註：另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》內。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文。
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