下班回家，淋浴。494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDZiZNBBmtt
494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFO8iHnx2V7
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrdcurbfXMR
494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsIjNdP7XTs
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc3eyMquKjt
494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPquelkED1g
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj3MAdbvtlk
494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIU8S1iAoux
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBsXBUVod2V
494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoA4xawpkym
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk8NclfGoho
494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXJmtvjwoeF
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQiF9Ll4o9J
494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFNSXAHiJbz
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5O3SVi2rIm
494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhBduItWNxy
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ4iwNrhFIa
494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf471d7Kjz5
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOZKxsNzMXx
494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXxQrSI5daN
啪——啪——494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTuFs5AQSGg
494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8XmTgkMRwA
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtlerSvPEm6
494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOrG6m949Hb
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYK8jcyZU97
494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGWbodp89pD
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkbQs46b2kO
494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXDPQgozLuo
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZcS0tZTLPZ
494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgQRBoK9r28
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWNTSR39xnq
494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP7B7R0I7M4
算了吧。沒所謂。494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXa3s99vQYa
494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGBUgLRN78M
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsWGT2tGLQw
494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPkfYlK7epo
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6Mgz60IPIz
494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXGVgKekj11
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBnoxwJerIj
494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgAnRLdd4Y1
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKhezniFx2Q
494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFkijBhZFRu
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbk9MTC1w8U
494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxxKJ8dcTzX
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO7OhidvDcn
494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3OfIEF37Nd
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTZYookV3uv
494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJr5zJ3gKp8
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYnCSOlgYFD
494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFQjIxdzD6t
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4rbSUDzGfg
494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLl1Nsvy2NI
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3L6imcCnjN
494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv3myET2noO
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNZxObaApVN
494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTVVhH3Fwfl
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp0XButvDo0
494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs9CljPMfl3
我頭也不回開門離家。494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfPsn59Kylo
494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU5GhVQpMmt
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1AmLabh97R
494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSZMTK21mmM
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ29IPAQwsj9
494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWGJSumoZcR
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw013frmH4P
494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUYtKV2FUvE
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx9VfFEQ5hH
494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1yHc13A5an
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSPL4M4ZVqb
494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFiHyOOxhkJ
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt9ApQCDwfv
494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM4bzVP5Bkj
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWyhWLHTLvX
494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZfJFSwhwPZ
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwUvOwelz1h
494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuTv1zQ7UiM
「你不開心？」494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6BjhUkcyQl
494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGf66pn3C6j
「是的。但與你無關。」494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq2dxInfaMh
494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeqyWgYQjb5
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZH35psIzT7
494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4jLSqaDREK
「還有菸嗎？」494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA9JusDmnHo
494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBlgc0cO416
「有。」494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYUcrLjzBo6
494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1mQjdGQRi9
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4xkEd76yk9
494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOekpVgK0t8
「俊仔還好嗎？」494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpDjmC3ZORl
494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ89f1CziIiq
「與你無關。」494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEC9llkvCq5
494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDhWspVigYa
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrFcKc7JRhE
494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNBKFEKJz6G
我幽幽一笑。494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAcZgV1ZaVx
494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8HWGvm4SKh
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBwc3uONVJm
494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqIeSzcs4TM
「多少？我付！」494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ82uU9RKVl8
494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgs6VMw0Oa2
「五萬七千五百元。」494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQoR2kJepTq
494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtk2qb3JXfn
「好！沒問題！小意思！」494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqdd1Ewh57N
494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL5tLgPLRcm
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1z1N9PuEio
494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfekuypOemA
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3mfZ5E9jzV
494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPGqENet7UM
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaxdhlpkkM2
494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1Mk4G50uhz
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHJZR74lwlV
494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLfIVvbD33a
「阿顧，對不起。」494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZZIF48QO37
494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu94mUIRvcI
「道歉有屁用！」494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhwA0BKXLh8
494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBksVMpwuHy
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpwjFQo41Sr
494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG63VdV2iya
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEcn4s9rENe
494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjX7mp3Eln0
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNxdk2aTFiW
494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZFIxici18Q
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKJ0S3UooIC
494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvPMSSPMfAT
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeVUoU0UpUI
494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8TBHwOYdYs
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQvYi7OANBJ
494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa2Ync3hE29
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3FJf6zOBh1
494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuHKFv6pj9L
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP48a5yo4IJ
494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjdngzlgl0m
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwjmtAgZdVh
494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZuRn1hJVpZ
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZqRumYQaIP
494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYwc9zNty0E
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKrkCpsXCza
494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHEuQhQe4Eq
我活該……我活該……我活該……494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW9pXLpTEXb
494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJalkf7Wlt0
我如此催眠自己。494Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwpzz8pKYHz
註：另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》內。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文。
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