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下班回家，淋浴。470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX2wu84pqyG
470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGvKCs5TCpI
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYvjHpAJo4j
470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq3E9mUjFe1
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdtim7PQH1Y
470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk88m32bzCj
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFwgDn1k35c
470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ83XXs2WuKT
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLrAjcJ6kSG
470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhrKdpbUuwC
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDunsUxThBB
470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz0ytZOkoGf
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwSlpLTEoah
470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUah4cvHfTz
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPMypzp8h5s
470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtgc88YyrGP
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHmf0IlYvnZ
470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbwhEqQg5Ia
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4gqrGJMi4u
470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu1h0rcKbk9
啪——啪——470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQlggPwoCGa
470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoSqeTVeBtf
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5pswKVl5Ux
470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl54LwLXRJw
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDeeQvw0W3V
470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbRG6Te0v9d
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5qNBdK3UxK
470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWwGk3W4H2Q
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsqpDAJ9pyb
470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMFcAVf2fh7
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCGD4iVjkdM
470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzXndjZVfBp
算了吧。沒所謂。470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3D5Ie2CZmz
470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLrqL31xRZx
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7weeOI7kkO
470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ8hJWqRKVI
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7aXh0bss9V
470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBSIwLLvR17
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnabZxAmEdG
470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDAEEG03v2g
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5KSEClwFZh
470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡINZ4hDUux8
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEyGRSjb1QE
470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzPU0ZC6p97
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdExCw8qWvH
470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTWdDLHzTZq
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4QyH7ioApw
470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIAEQKVPSRV
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxOf2M1DMAC
470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzaTRSoTccm
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡusIvZiGkvK
470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr94AkunlRg
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4ExSGVH3yA
470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe2tSGAX8m4
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsAiRVs3Z1N
470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ15FmSNEKIx
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7vjiqjCiO8
470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQm8tsOuRAv
我頭也不回開門離家。470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs6hDID4KYy
470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8dhDUdFv7X
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYIYfX2YrY6
470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyQWyax69Rn
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv5Zu1S56G0
470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQaHZMtBl6u
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrNTqZ3UYR4
470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgXqg3PjNRA
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMID3pqJKIC
470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡge7SO2IPPS
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBCEHuQXE5Z
470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXGaVlBEdKe
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKkVhiUNNzg
470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK7hLooniSF
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHIHsIKCoaQ
470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXJIO3BzH8s
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeVhjTVGVMK
470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡThf9k5wsnm
「你不開心？」470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHeYTL5Jewr
470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4AT6gOjpND
「是的。但與你無關。」470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEz1fsfebdd
470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe9jo6GNnoc
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEMnE1EvSmA
470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlzrj8njld4
「還有菸嗎？」470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkAAGX3C7H2
470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡefhMfPrpSY
「有。」470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbJVr6etXDc
470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOQYMbN4wYY
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEFsuboQVgO
470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDSV0NEfvYV
「俊仔還好嗎？」470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6al5jGn5Tx
470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx57BkcKQhN
「與你無關。」470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgpGvAJRKMF
470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNNhTP7pN4a
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlm0dNWCMUA
470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwQr71kzVg3
我幽幽一笑。470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmMoS9a22Jp
470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRNXqpUoQc5
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzofzR2GeL2
470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg0KqtqAhHg
「多少？我付！」470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdnwH2SX1LU
470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7M3906FYSN
「五萬七千五百元。」470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHdHg9ybWBb
470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsKsRh44x06
「好！沒問題！小意思！」470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA3mW3TyWbd
470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDH0IExfvgX
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQQKRwneJGe
470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmnK3PKQtmw
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ64r9ibVy6N
470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKItsJsc2Yr
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt52ptV2faQ
470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKAOtp32fgO
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdOXBWw5VbD
470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNQEQDCMtJB
「阿顧，對不起。」470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ60XEn2CbD1
470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQrHlaywdKk
「道歉有屁用！」470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3xP8bN6qYk
470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW2CNEOI2pc
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOrG4snATG7
470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYYScNy3YHS
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbbpMGQC54C
470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDXHol7NafR
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKEIjkQ2aqi
470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2NSreNvrAr
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡURDtyvJ6Po
470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcc8kn5x0kq
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKyNf9T66OO
470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoInpcfnXkC
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeYsz4tF4n7
470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOjrXdqAzYY
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2jZrPpk14f
470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZQmFsIAmSZ
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6G24RyFe3C
470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzQy1omIzAo
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ07LcudgGH
470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3AryDj2NiY
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2MSVTtam5e
470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwzOzlMz5uN
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡafgOvajHiq
470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfglKSQ4nFv
我活該……我活該……我活該……470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7NKwIdKDDV
470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlumOFJNNsu
我如此催眠自己。470Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHsR8HQOA9D
註：另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》內。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文。
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