x
下班回家，淋浴。436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSDXcPTnZFz
436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrICpIP5YIO
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMYZfX3lo7w
436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbulpWGaeMN
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwH2jsPcj31
436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzstt7usCnf
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd39xfEYuEZ
436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHnwEkT6tHA
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe5nngEajok
436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ97G7IA0QzE
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJWMcJqRm7s
436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn70AqgLhcg
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdBGncZ1a9X
436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEvfXuE8G8I
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡByaoa1B1tQ
436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9kaz0lKbQU
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoi19mcbSM0
436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaRoszwIEkz
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlp1HoRsqUN
436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVk7yYFVHWH
啪——啪——436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6KcnG9oOUj
436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl25SmK2pTq
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf480BOguzJ
436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCvx7AZY0aK
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXyokJecj4Y
436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaZ7fdM6AuF
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGu7EKzauMC
436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7k9LYZgX20
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkttydfwFRG
436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyFybhLAD6a
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqCBcWFphjB
436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ06owXvCcOO
算了吧。沒所謂。436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjuyEamVZF5
436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKbCFgsuYDA
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGjrdT90B0E
436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8T1cbtMeVz
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW5mjh52M0e
436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm6jWOa7AcM
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZVyu6HxfS1
436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX01utmUFgd
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBkbVjDRkxd
436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmmCL71a9OR
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC9v6tfFMrw
436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT2Kf2UZgRS
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJxVT1ZOY6b
436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2KiJt55cfV
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWnRxrSZ8Mz
436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaATOWTtIJ5
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMGBq6YpgkU
436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOqXRM1I5YD
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT2PfgTfB1n
436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmdVqDLpqaF
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGAeQWPLSRo
436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsj8STAC6YJ
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWuo59laxEq
436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKpmOTUYfJ9
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNkxHCpWRwr
436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9W3pQ01ais
我頭也不回開門離家。436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAMJL5TAr8x
436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0p8d8YQ0Mj
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwd3M8dEL5u
436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMPmI075sUQ
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOMHTIvU7ou
436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7zsuq4nxhq
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡte5hkGJEJJ
436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHmkQXnZy4W
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5ZFeWBrohR
436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMAEuODpQoE
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvzMdUG4rRd
436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡseKkfECS4o
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4gCc2yG23u
436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvzGyqUn3HP
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqRvv8JO8rm
436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3oFLFLbe8u
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ31idqFfvQL
436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7lwBwyKDHK
「你不開心？」436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDXuqyeoYQf
436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh6AoNJcJcw
「是的。但與你無關。」436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPImjovPqjU
436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5WzHB7k0DE
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2lszkiYHP8
436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSf62h1Zpv4
「還有菸嗎？」436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkreN22yM2j
436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk3dfismlrD
「有。」436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNtMS6IaegO
436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOTOipAROpl
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡReA541CQGE
436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7dDBHuEmRV
「俊仔還好嗎？」436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgZGaPRHQuB
436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcrVADFSiMx
「與你無關。」436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1mxnt7loto
436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvLe3TNSFfP
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTRtgk6cB6W
436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtbSPBIt55E
我幽幽一笑。436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTxbNaYR2Ng
436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR1GWxTUmQ8
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu51LkYScyO
436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9NyU0D89to
「多少？我付！」436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3Nd4fZbqes
436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIDuh4olh95
「五萬七千五百元。」436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs9iVCGPR7C
436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKSDT61w3KP
「好！沒問題！小意思！」436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVe9wR7xb8Q
436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJLZlvboQDT
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwZ2LDvng3Q
436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs9lebWZ6wC
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWqjed0Z7QG
436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHnTb8HrTcR
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmYH6WgHgdq
436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY5FWeWjVCT
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpl0ON6oU5K
436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzZN09pYN3E
「阿顧，對不起。」436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqVGwNZIzyA
436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBpeIC6OhFI
「道歉有屁用！」436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrOpyA2sWUE
436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIeZtjIpMXZ
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxMyi9s8RXY
436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4fHlScE4ZN
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq7z7Y77rgE
436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuRvQAlhXtS
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLrbt7MyXcd
436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqNUVsOdOJB
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj17DeVNPQg
436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpGdG17NrYW
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGJ8CcBJUJT
436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMR6LbJ7gBQ
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKxRrwGNlk9
436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0VXVCqGIO8
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ41fopwdavQ
436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiAMojtfUxM
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbCusdXeAnd
436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAK0XPj9uLh
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ50c5K0lSj6
436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8tvmEtw2bH
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡST0Oefe6GI
436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFFn8ViD5CS
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgO4aYFX2K6
436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7H03NVCoSF
我活該……我活該……我活該……436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDm0aVUgY9x
436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9mGNuTbSEc
我如此催眠自己。436Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2xS3cgAL09
註：另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》內。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文。
ns3.145.163.51da2
