My wife and I were going through a divorce so I went over to the house trying to sort our joint possessions.
"Okay, sweetheart, since the court awarded you the house and the barn. We have six lawn chairs and I'm taking half of them." 153Please respect copyright.PENANA7giTsxjf3G
Also, some of the folding tables, "I'm taking my tools, and the loveseat. Cuz, I sure don't want anybody making love to you on my love seat!"153Please respect copyright.PENANAXgEetDIf6b
(I look around for more things, we lived on a farm and had some barnyard animals.)153Please respect copyright.PENANAp6O7xmuk77
"Let's see, I need at least 50 head of cows, 15 horses, oh, and around 30 chickens and ducks."153Please respect copyright.PENANALViWtJm08y
Hmm... 153Please respect copyright.PENANAGKDBX6rmgr
Oh yeah, and my dog Rex of course. "Here boy, come over here you mutt, you mangy critter..." Okay, I need the dog house and the 50 lb bag of dog food. 153Please respect copyright.PENANAmV9zt0Xrub
Yeah, the divorce court ordered that I get half of the heavy farming equipment. 153Please respect copyright.PENANAlL52D0zLQP
"You can have have all the adult toys."153Please respect copyright.PENANAesUbGjkLUm
Except for the pecker enhancer!153Please respect copyright.PENANAr0SCTwOVK9
"That's all I need..."153Please respect copyright.PENANAvhN2XHkOVA
"Wait!"153Please respect copyright.PENANAuKrBpqQF17
I glance at my wife's body "Didn't I buy those boobies?" She said, "Well honey, yes you did." What about it?153Please respect copyright.PENANAAOjDiUvuHy
I said, "Sarah, I brought them big boobies, you can't have them!" 153Please respect copyright.PENANA1qQJnxWEjc
Sarah said, "Keith, what's wrong with you, are you crazy!" 153Please respect copyright.PENANARFGp4OUQzT
(Still staring at her, I notice a dragon tatoo under her tight, revealing shorts)153Please respect copyright.PENANAK34Uv5Ebvf
"Hold on, wait, one dawg gone minute!"153Please respect copyright.PENANANRFexC8dR9
"Didn't I pay for that tattoo on your butt?"153Please respect copyright.PENANAaBXbHp0PpZ
That cost me $100!
Sarah said, "Yes, so what!" What you're going to do about it Jack!153Please respect copyright.PENANAFHJJh8Okuf
Keith said, "My name ain't Jack, Missy!" And what about your $3000 butt injections?153Please respect copyright.PENANAwOVgoZM708
"Sarah, I'm still paying for that big booty. Nobody can touch that booty until it's paid off!"
Orders are, nobody can see the great booty, Not nobody, not no how!153Please respect copyright.PENANAofOkwDpHz9
"Um...Keith? Said Sarah, you are quoting 153Please respect copyright.PENANACLu7DTbYKJ
'The Wizard Of Oz.'
I know that I yelled,
but I can't get no satisfaction. I can't get no satisfaction. "Cause I try, and I try, and I try, and I try." I can't get no, oh no, no, no...153Please respect copyright.PENANAe6nICCzmtv
Ah, hey, hey, hey, that's what I say...153Please respect copyright.PENANAJDkbr1yjk7
"Keith?" Now you're quoting, 'The Rolling Stones.' "How come when you're angry you153Please respect copyright.PENANA7NFd3QzoHY
quote everybody?"
I know that Sarah but I need compensation! Let's see, the breast implants were $5,000.153Please respect copyright.PENANACW8GurPLQg
Plus, umm... an additional $3000 for the butt injections and the $100 dollar Dragon tatoo.153Please respect copyright.PENANAC23LESCMnE
"Oh, and that thousand pack of 'Now and Later' candy!"153Please respect copyright.PENANA8ZoxVmbaZI
(Sarah laughs)153Please respect copyright.PENANAYkZVuWnOpe
Keith, that line is from the movie, "The Cook Out."153Please respect copyright.PENANA6ulBpTl3Ji
"Gosh Darn!"153Please respect copyright.PENANAmk4hZTvVtt
Woman, you owe me over $8,000 cash money on the line...153Please respect copyright.PENANACNQuEPfnZp
Sarah exclaimed, "Well don't hold your breath cuz I ain't paying you nothing Jack!" "Honey, I said, quit calling me Jack. Is that your new boyfriend's name?" 153Please respect copyright.PENANALxmbbjZr9o
Sarah, "Yeah, and he's hung like a mule!" No, like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. And I don't have to hunt in the dark for his pecker. (Sarah snickers)153Please respect copyright.PENANAflmUMONhfY
Keith, "Oh yeah, I bet when you're making love and he's going down, he can hear his own voice echo!"153Please respect copyright.PENANAM1WH73LQvs
Hello~hello~hello~hello...
Hah! 153Please respect copyright.PENANAYwhQwKv7ce
Sarah, crieds, "Okay, now that's hitting below the belt."153Please respect copyright.PENANA6BmPzMMYni
You know you love my love thing! But Keith, you are a boring lover. 153Please respect copyright.PENANAhd9gPHzu8U
That's how I fell into the arms of another lover. Do you recall when I said, "Give it to me! Give it to me!" I yelled. "I'm so wet and hot, give it to me now!" And you gave me an umbrella.153Please respect copyright.PENANAw9HQwe9ZTe
Keith, "Okay, I see you got jokes honey...153Please respect copyright.PENANAJ5Yu0Vz8cv
Here's one, "What makes a pecker and Rubik's Cube similar?"153Please respect copyright.PENANAgz5o1FGtLx
(Sarah says what)153Please respect copyright.PENANA8HHSbVIsnF
"The more you play with it, the harder it gets."153Please respect copyright.PENANAY9ENpOyOzT
(he laughs and Sarah winks)153Please respect copyright.PENANA4aDylHEP9c
Sarah, "Hey, I got one, 153Please respect copyright.PENANACgdxYmMePb
"A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about fifteen minutes, the tired man finally gets up and says,
"Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" 153Please respect copyright.PENANA6GigeysjDS
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"153Please respect copyright.PENANAl8umRufZu8
(Keith laughs hard)153Please respect copyright.PENANAfQEVdMsQNq
"Okay, that was pretty good honey." Keith says, "But, hey I got a bunch of them!"153Please respect copyright.PENANAOef6KxtdoG
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.153Please respect copyright.PENANASVTXqUxYlA
(Sarah giggles, Keith is on a roll)153Please respect copyright.PENANAEnFDFNNVHr
Honey,153Please respect copyright.PENANAQ0O4IhbDHJ
"Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? 153Please respect copyright.PENANAnC2cChS0Vt
Sarah grins, "Okay, I give up." Who?153Please respect copyright.PENANAyNuRUcaDAU
The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts on his weiner!153Please respect copyright.PENANAKsyq9zLYI5
(Sarah giggles, slapping her thigh)153Please respect copyright.PENANAv0pllSSqps
Keith says,153Please respect copyright.PENANAa6pMGm0Q0h
"What do a woman and a bar have in common?153Please respect copyright.PENANAmuRYN4Dx27
Liquor in the front, poker in the back."153Please respect copyright.PENANAmUsQ5YEbCd
(Sarah laughs, smiles and then gives Keith a big hug)153Please respect copyright.PENANAwug7tkBZaE
Keith, "Aww, Sarah, you know I still love you and you'll always be my best friend. Just forget about the $8000. 153Please respect copyright.PENANAcX6oDxDpSw
Keith's wife, Sarah, had always been both amused and exasperated by his constant jokes. Every morning, as she sipped her coffee, Keith would appear grinning with a mischievous smile and say, "What do you call a cow with no legs?"153Please respect copyright.PENANA0RvlTrpRdA
"Ground beef!"153Please respect copyright.PENANAv3YgqZVJsE
Sarah would roll her eyes and chuckle, unable to resist her husband's infectious laughter.153Please respect copyright.PENANApo1xnXvQUD
Their children, Lily and Max, inherited their father's sense of humor. They would eagerly gather around him, waiting for his daily dose of laughter. 153Please respect copyright.PENANAU4H5FPif3X
Keith would gather them close and say, "What do lawyers wear to court?" 153Please respect copyright.PENANA7rWzuirtEO
Lawsuits.153Please respect copyright.PENANAblO5wlBZ5d
Lily and Max would burst into fits of giggles, just begging for more jokes until their sides hurt.153Please respect copyright.PENANAfCyt2KtxdS
Keith's friends knew him as the 153Please respect copyright.PENANAcjNHkMxZeZ
Clown Jester of Bakersville.153Please respect copyright.PENANA9aoA8q5mFX
Whenever they needed a good laugh, they would seek him out. One evening, during a gathering at their favorite local pub, Keith got up and proclaimed, 153Please respect copyright.PENANAu4RLCi5MkT
"Why did the scarecrow always win an award?"153Please respect copyright.PENANAUvApm6PZ5K
Because he was so outstanding in his field!153Please respect copyright.PENANATauscq0uN6
The entire pub erupted with laughter, and he basked in the joy of making others smile.153Please respect copyright.PENANA0rOjctXlbR
His love for jokes extended beyond his family and friends. Keith would seize any golden opportunity to entertain unsuspecting strangers.153Please respect copyright.PENANATqr3jJ8pfF
While waiting in line at the grocery store, he would strike up conversations with fellow shoppers and unleash a pun-filled tirade. 153Please respect copyright.PENANA7mpheosFmo
The cashiers, at first dreading the line of customers Keith held up, would eventually find themselves laughing along with the rest of the store.153Please respect copyright.PENANABN7GpahoQE
Keith's reputation as the "Jokester Extraordinaire"153Please respect copyright.PENANAueditYWDGN
Spread throughout Bakersville. People began inviting him to events just to ensure a fun-filled atmosphere.153Please respect copyright.PENANApP2amCxwz1
Whether it was just a birthday party, or community gathering, even a solemn occasion. Keith's corny jokes managed to uplift everyone's spirits.153Please respect copyright.PENANAbYRm53tIw8
One day, the Mayor of Bakersville decided to organize a grand comedy festival. Of course, Keith was naturally the first person he invited to perform. The festival was a great, riotous success, with the entire town doubled over with laughter. 153Please respect copyright.PENANAhTYXSfPRPy
Keith took center stage, he was telling joke after joke, pun after pun, and the crowd couldn't get enough. It was a night of sheer hilarity, leaving everyone in stitches.153Please respect copyright.PENANAT8KEC8Vnfo
His wife, Sarah, was used to his jokes by now. 153Please respect copyright.PENANArDLsa7Jj4U
Having heard them all before, many times.153Please respect copyright.PENANA12psdSXi1U
She would just smile politely and laugh occasionally, but normally she would roll her eyes and shake her head. She loved Keith, but sometimes she wished he would tone down his jokes a bit.
His children, Lilly and Max, were also familiar with his jokes. They had grown up listening to them every day. They would sometimes laugh at his jokes, but mostly they would groan and cringe. They loved Keith, but sometimes they wished he would stop embarrassing them with his jokes.153Please respect copyright.PENANAk6339qMaEM
His friends, Mike and Tom, were also aware of his jokes. They had known him since college and had endured his jokes for years. They would sometimes chuckle at his jokes, but mostly they would ignore them or change the subject. 153Please respect copyright.PENANAY3T7vrMOsU
They liked Keith, but sometimes they wished he would be a little more serious with his jokes.153Please respect copyright.PENANANfXoDF2xXY
But Keith didn't care what anyone thought of his jokes. He loved telling them and he thought they were hilarious. 153Please respect copyright.PENANA3QGrB0c1ep
He believed that laughter was the best medicine and that everyone needed a good joke to brighten their day. He never missed an opportunity to crack a joke, no matter how corny or inappropriate it was.153Please respect copyright.PENANAJH3qSMLWGI
One day, Keith decided to go to a comedy club for a night out. He had always wanted to try stand-up comedy and he thought he had what it took to make people laugh. He signed up for an open mic night and prepared some of his best jokes.153Please respect copyright.PENANAccdKE8KxqG
He arrived at the comedy club and was greeted by the host.153Please respect copyright.PENANA7fIGHUZ7Vu
"Hi, I'm here for the open mic night," Keith said.153Please respect copyright.PENANAfzbMpJcsPd
"Sure, just write your name on this list and wait for your turn," the host said.153Please respect copyright.PENANA1kcK9H3Orr
Keith wrote down his name and looked at the list. He saw that there were about ten other comedians before him.153Please respect copyright.PENANAbteiwKkMZR
He walked over to the bar and ordered a drink. He sipped it slowly and watched the other comedians perform.153Please respect copyright.PENANANAFiTWTWrn
He saw some of them get laughs, others get boos and some silence.153Please respect copyright.PENANA1n166XF9mx
He rehearsed his jokes in his head and smiled to himself.153Please respect copyright.PENANAMfhQ0b7JLC
(When he got on stage he said)
Hello people, I'm Keith, and I hope to entertain you tonight. "How many of you like to help people, said Keith?"
(The audience clapped)153Please respect copyright.PENANAjnl7cbpz58
Keith: "Well I do too, I walked into my bank today and an old lady asked me to help check her balance."
So I pushed her over!153Please respect copyright.PENANAnBO3qchjZj
(audience chuckles)153Please respect copyright.PENANAxCrWJGhnOU
Keith: "Yeah, three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf."153Please respect copyright.PENANAiONexlGJFm
I haven't heard from him since.153Please respect copyright.PENANAAN7INqQp7k
Keith: (feeling the crowd) "My wife says I'm getting fatter, but in my defence, I've had a lot on my plate recently."153Please respect copyright.PENANADfFQEO23e1
"Hey people, my dog is a genius... I asked him what is two minus two, and he said nothing.153Please respect copyright.PENANAXGWTGFp2dt
(audience laughing)153Please respect copyright.PENANAv9fWzGkRia
Keith: "You know the other day, my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I accidentally passed her the glue stick." 153Please respect copyright.PENANAfYEQSpjUlH
She still isn't talking to me.153Please respect copyright.PENANAsKyH8OvY5P
(Keith smiles)153Please respect copyright.PENANA4zGbARLnYf
Keith: "Just the other day I stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and the guy says: 'Well, Once upon a time there was a lobster...'153Please respect copyright.PENANACTwQ6Jf8vC
Keith: "Yeah, some people can be so uptight you know, my female neighbor always suntans topless, my wife is quite against it, 153Please respect copyright.PENANApU1jcd5LOY
but I am on the fence!153Please respect copyright.PENANAojgbJcyGKo
(audience laughing hard)153Please respect copyright.PENANAcSNMDdQliy
[He gets on a roll]153Please respect copyright.PENANAPka9XU4Mmj
"Hey, I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes." 153Please respect copyright.PENANA0UGF6jkFuc
She gave me a hug!153Please respect copyright.PENANAi5l55oWJF3
"Yeah folks, today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face."
"My parents are the worst."153Please respect copyright.PENANAO9ANciKzQs
Hey!153Please respect copyright.PENANA0WJQ8iuYQb
What is the worst combination of illnesses?153Please respect copyright.PENANAKUGqbnJ3oi
"Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where."153Please respect copyright.PENANATxvRDPDjNZ
You know what? My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
"Guess who came crawling back?"153Please respect copyright.PENANApaabAKzumi
For you gals out there, "What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?"153Please respect copyright.PENANAgmxefA9ElX
They just give you a bra and say,
"Here, fill this out."153Please respect copyright.PENANAYYan3vEnBC
How do you get a squirrel to like you?153Please respect copyright.PENANAq9MmFMu4IT
Act like a nut.153Please respect copyright.PENANA4R5UtTNPUX
My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.153Please respect copyright.PENANARftXK4rKBv
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.153Please respect copyright.PENANA1kL7PsJ8tM
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.153Please respect copyright.PENANALcDwsbFklE
I went to a psychic the other day and knocked on her front door. She yelled: 'Who is it?' 153Please respect copyright.PENANANlf59cMkg5
So I Left.153Please respect copyright.PENANA0uxHzwnW9N
People, I was in a casino yesterday and a couple of cows were smoking weed and playing poker.153Please respect copyright.PENANA5Wxg2TDynI
"The steaks were pretty high!"153Please respect copyright.PENANAzqnHd7Q3vG
"Well, that's all I have for you tonight ladies and I hope gentlemen."153Please respect copyright.PENANAPr2enQxv26
Goodnight!"153Please respect copyright.PENANAHPChBNpcny
(Dave exited the stage to thunderous applause)153Please respect copyright.PENANAdzgO9eswiG
He went home happier153Please respect copyright.PENANAqHrJwVufWN
than he ever
Dreamed!153Please respect copyright.PENANAURsU3whbAK
153Please respect copyright.PENANApo1dM0s0AJ
© Charles Kemp
ns 172.71.254.133da2