PORSCHE
The scene in front of me drove my patience to its limit as I forcefully closed the door behind me. Though I saw Kinn get up from the couch as I was leaving, I didn't expect him to follow me. There's no sign of him going after me anyway. I walked out of the house with a trembling heart and knuckles almost white from the tight grip.
Damn!
I felt like I'd been brutally hit with a log. If he came out to explain even for a bit that I misunderstood the scene that I saw just now, I might hold back and listen to him. But no, I won't get fussy and overly dramatic like a heroine in a Thai drama like that.
I tried to walk calmly and processed the image I had just seen. I seek all logical reasons since what we see might not always be what we think. But if the pain has come to this extent and Kinn didn't come to explain, not even walking out to insist that I misunderstood, then maybe things must be just as it is.
Damn! It hurts so much!
But come to think of it, Kinn didn't have the obligation to explain anything and tell me what happened or come out and let me understand at all.
Damn bastard!!! You're stupid, Porsche! What you feel right now is disgusting. Can't you see how Tawan and Marsh looked? How dare you compare yourself with the two of them?
It's nothing new to me that Kinn is a playboy. How could I easily trust the damn bastard? How could I believe that he likes me and felt the same towards me when I knew from the start that he's a damn player?!
I hate myself!! I hate him! This is embarrassing!
To be able to endure this kind of shit, to be able to accept my feelings for him that when I want to forget him, I wanted him even more.
"Where are you going, Porsche?" Arm asked as I passed through the gate without answering his question.
I couldn't stand here anymore. If I stayed any longer, I'm going to experience feelings that I would want to reinforce myself over and over again.
It fucking hurts.
It's making my knees weak as if I'm going to collapse to the ground. I want to release all this energy that's overflowing from my chest. I want to free myself from these shitty feelings. I forced my legs to hold up and walk the short distance towards the road, not daring to even let myself look weak in front of the unknown guards at the gate. It would be too embarrassing.
I hit the taxi and let it drive me towards Tem's house with only the phone in my pocket. I want to go home but at this point, I want to be with someone so that I would feel less alone.
Why did I let myself fall with Kinn so easily? This feeling was so real that I could feel it flowing to every cell in my body. This was the first time it happened to me. To like someone not just physically but also mentally. I could honestly say that I've never committed my feelings to anyone this much. Even though I've had some female girlfriends, I never felt like I would lose. To completely lose myself. I couldn't fight everything that was on my mind.
Kinn was all over my system. He was like a thief in the night, going over my walls then closing the exit and locking it inside like that. Someone who could break through the feelings in my heart. He has become someone so special that I have to feel this excruciating pain because of him. It felt like someone had taken a stone and was continuously hammering my chest.
The knock on the door stopped me from what I'm thinking. I walked up to Tem's door. Luckily, the taxi driver could accept online payments by phone, so it's not much of a problem. I know I might appear in front of him like a dead person, besides, I came here without telling him at all. Forgot to think about whether he will be in the house or not.
I knock again. I started to feel a little confused. Do I have to deal with this feeling alone today?
"Ah!" Tem ran out breathlessly with a wide grin before quickly going silent when he saw my face.
"Are you busy?" I asked my friend, looking around the room.
"What are you doing here?" He was a little stunned before he asked me with concern.
So I walked past my friend's shoulder into the room and sat down on the sofa tiredly.
"I would have to ask a favor, can I stay here tonight?"
I asked in a silent voice with my head leaning against the sofa and my eyes closed.
"Okay, what's going on?" He quickly walked over and sat next to me.
I didn't answer because I didn't know where to start. What am I feeling? Sad? Sorry? Heartbroken? Of these three things, which do I have the right to feel sad about? Seeing him with someone else or was I heartbroken? Because I thought to myself that—
Stop. Damn idiot! The more I felt betrayed, the more I felt stupid. Stupid, you idiot!!
"Will you be fine? I'm going to hang my clothes first."
Tem rubbed my shoulder lightly and walked outside the balcony to hang-dry his clothes. His eyes glanced at me now and then.
I felt exhausted. What should I do after this?
I picked up the phone to check. I hope deep in my heart that he would at least try to contact me. But there was nothing. Only my brother's message reporting where and what he was doing. It's a good thing that he slept over at his friend's house or else I would be worried about leaving him alone at that
house.
So what should I do? I don't want to go back there.
If I went back, I won't be able to forget this crazy feeling. And I couldn't bear to see that bastard's face any longer. There are so many things to think about. Or would you rather go back to your own home, fuck it! About the person who tried to kidnap me, maybe the jinx and bad luck I'm having now were because I got acquainted with that house. Maybe it will also end now?
"Let's drink some alcohol," I invited Tem who looked like an idiot walking around the house fixing whatever he saw unfit.
"Where are we going?" He replied in agreement.
"I want to drink but I don't want to go anywhere," I said, leaning against the back of the sofa in despair.
"So, let me call Jom and invite that bastard to come over."
I nodded in agreement with the bastard's idea. He managed to call Jom and order some liquor online. Various kinds of alcohol came up. Tem has prepared the glasses and plates ready while I sit and think about all the chaotic thoughts in my head. So I didn't even wiggle to help a bit.
Soon, Jom came along roaring. He didn't mind being caught by the gatekeeper and still smuggled the liquors in his black bag. I was staring blankly at the wall that I didn't even notice Jom waving in front of me. They both saw me motionless and lacked reaction but they didn't dare to tease me or anything. Instead, they brewed and prepared the alcohol for us to drink. In the past, I never understood those lost souls being hurt after a break-up. I have never experienced such serious pain before so I have no idea how to deal with this excruciating pain. It seems like there was a lump in my chest, but I tried to hold it in so as not to look any more pathetic. I raised glasses after glasses of liquors into my throat and my friends are doing great refilling my glass. It was never left empty even for a split second.
Tem moved as if he worked at the club mixing drinks. How sassy he looked.
So this is what it felt like to be brokenhearted huh?
Working at the club, I saw a lot of customers coming in to mend broken hearts and they seemed like they were dying from it. I used to laugh and mock how weak they are, but now I know how it is to die from heartache.
It really felt like dying! Damn!
"It's okay if you wanted to vent, we are here to listen." Jom raised a glass to me. This bastard. I don't take Jom seriously because of his funny attitude but now, I'm seeing the other side of him. The serious side.
I looked at the wine in my hand but I couldn't focus so I looked away instantly. My chin landed on the backrest of the sofa with my knees bent onto the cushions of the sofa.
"Before, I never understood a broken heart. I'm just someone unimportant to him, why should I be sad?"
Because the power of alcohol made me slip and talk nonsense, Jom's hand froze in mid-air as he was about to sip his glass that both of them looked at
me in unison.
"What happened? What did you do?" The asshole asked sternly. He put his glass on the table and looked at me in all seriousness. I think back on what I did to the point where I have to be in this situation. Just thinking of Kinn's face in my mind hurts.
"You have never been like this. Porsche, what did you do?" Tem asked silently.
I pursed my lips together tightly.
Yeah. I have never been like this because it changed me. Kinn changed me. He made me feel special and important and appreciated my existence in this world. I have been lonely and numb since my parents died but Kinn brought out the smile on my lips. He made me feel protected and secure. I have been helpless and alone all my life but when I met him, he became that person who was always beside me.
Even though he's handsome and flirty that I cannot trust him around, being with him made me feel relieved. As if I have someone to rely on finally. Someone stronger than me. He opened my eyes and I began to see life from a different perspective. He made me realize what it feels like to fall in love with someone really, really hard.
I found the word love valuable because of him, but that same word is hurting me right now.
"I did it to myself. I was stupid. Idiot!! Why do I have to be so weak?" I said letting my feelings go and reached out my hand to pick up a bottle of liquor, pour half of it into the glass, carelessly mix it with water, and drank it immediately until my friends gasped and cried out to me.
"Hey! Calm down, what's wrong?"
"Don't tell me there's someone else? Or did he leave you? Tell me, or I'll go beat the shit out of him right now!" Jom said angrily.
"He has someone else now, I don't have to do anything with him anymore."
I said and began to shake my head to dispel the numbness effect of the liquors. Tears also started to pool at the base of my eyes and I dared to let those tears fall in front of my friends.
"But before, you were inseparable. Even though they almost died together, what happened? What was that? Child's play? So who was the other person?"
"So, I was like everyone else. He got bored and left me with someone new. What's' new about it? What's so hard to understand?"
They started to look blurry in my vision so I poured more liquor into my glass and smashed it in one go.
"Hey, did you hit your head and got mad?" Jom exclaimed in shock. Tem slapped him hard.
"Huh? Maybe?" I sneered at myself now. What he said was correct.
Kinn seemed to be a hardcore playboy and yet, I stupidly chose to love him and blindly accepted my faith. One didn't have to say much, I could interpret it anyway. His tastes were very far from mine. He must be playing around. He must think it was exciting.
I wanted to forget everything that happened but my brain remembers the image I saw earlier over and over again. It's like a circle in my head that keeps hurting me.
I drank glass after glass to drown out the memory. Hoping that every glass that I take would at least help me to forget even for a short while. I wanted to forget the pain. I began to feel the numbness creeping up my body, but the sting was still there.
I wanted to sleep and wake up to the old version of me. The kind of person who never cared about anything but himself. Someone who doesn't care for anyone. Who doesn't feel anything and who doesn't miss someone so fucking hard. I wanted to be someone who doesn't even remember that person.
I'm tired. I'm so damn tired. I should stop now.
THE NEXT DAY
I woke up dizzy and my head felt so heavy. My throat and lips felt so thirsty so I threw myself up from the sofa over the corpse of the bastard lying on the floor. Mugs, plates, and bottles of liquors are scattered everywhere. The crumbs of civilization strewn the room as if it had been through a world war last night. I opened the refrigerator and picked up some cold water to drink before looking at the clock on the wall to see that it was already late afternoon and almost evening. How messed up were you last night?
Another cropped image while I was drunk came into my head. I walked carefully and picked up Jom's cigarette that was piled up beside him. I stole one stick and headed towards the balcony to light it up. Soon enough, I was filling up my lungs with smoke. Good thing it was a Sunday afternoon, otherwise, it'll be the end of me.
Where the fuck was Tem? I haven't seen him since I woke up so I looked for my phone to message him if ever he has gone out. The bathroom door was open so he has definitely gone out. I found the phone in my pocket.
But before my fingers could even slide to Line, a notification from Facebook popped up and I froze. It popped a few more times and I began to get anxious. I rarely use this app so I was wondering why it suddenly popped up with so many notifications. I hurriedly went to my news feed to check what the ruckus was about.
What the fuck? What is this?
My brows furrowed tightly, bent down to stare at the phone's screen to clearly see my status. Last night, when did I post this? Damn!
PORSCHE PACHARA
'Broken love, no matter how many cases I drink, it still won't disappear. Living but felt like dying. I can't take it anymore.' With blurry pictures of a liquor glass.
Ugh! What have I done? You fucking bastard! I couldn't blame Tem nor Jom for this as I saw them in the background, which means, this is my handiwork.
Shit Porsche! What are you doing?!
COMMENT:
PETE PONGSAKORN: Where are you?! Call back right away!
ARM A-ARM: So sad.
BEAM UDO DO: Sometimes we have to give up and hurt the liver and kidneys to give the heart a rest.
T-TEAM: I'm rooting for you!
BOSS BUSI: Talking about alcohol, I want to take a break. Talking about Love. Oh! Run out of glass.
Shit! Both friends, seniors, and juniors in the group flocked to like and comment for everyone to see. I immediately gone stressed, my status of the year has gone chaotic. What the fuck? Why am I doing this much? So embarrassing!
I clicked out of the media and pressed Line instead because there are a lot of notifications as well. But what makes me stunned and unable to take my eyes off is that one name I am pissed about so much.
KINN: Where are you?!
KINN: Porsche! Where are you?
KINN: You can't leave the house just like that!
KINN: What?! *Attached is a picture of my post and caption
KINN: .....
KINN: *missed calls
My face turned hot from embarrassment when I realized that Kinn saw my post and read the caption. I don't even want to know what he was feeling about it right now. He must have been satisfied to see me in this mess.
But then, why would he ask where am I? Why would he be interested in whether I'm breathing or dead somewhere? Does he want to come and do something crazy? Or maybe he was done with Marsh? Want to rant about it?
I wanna curse him so bad! Damn! Enough! Stop thinking about him! He's just playing with your feelings stupid!
"Where did you go?" I walked back into the room and saw Tem just entering the door and coming in with three lunch boxes.
"I bought food for us to eat. Go wash your face first then let's eat." Tem said while using his foot to kick and wake Jom up. I washed my face in the bathroom then I saw Jom strewn about the room. But even then, he was still fast asleep in the same position unmoving.
"I brought fried pork rice, you can eat it."
"I don't feel like eating."
"You should. Gather yourself first."
I nodded and ate though I didn't feel like it. I have a bad case of hangover and I'm still trying to resist the urge to think about Kinn's messages. I wanted to act normal, resolved, and uncaring as soon as possible. I don't want to be stuck with unwanted things inside my head for a long time. But even then, he was with Marsh, with Tawan and it struck me that I cannot escape reality.
"Hey, are you okay?"
"Oh," I replied without looking at my friend who came to unpack the rice and sat down beside me.
"I don't know what to say. I've never seen you like this." He said.
"It's okay, it'll be gone soon." I was also surprised by the overflowing feelings in me.
"You— You love him?" Jom said. His hand reached for the rice meal and began eating as well. I tensed at the mere mention of Kinn.
"I shouldn't have said that. But last night, you were so messed up." Even if they didn't tell me, I could see the condition I was in last night.
"What did I do?" I felt the courage to ask for the details. He eyed me suspiciously and I had a hunch that he would say something about Kinn.
"Well, you kept cursing him." The bastard held back and stayed considerate of me. I don't know what to
say.
"What is it?" I asked firmly.
"You said, Kinn, how could you do this to me? Over and over again like that."
I let out a deep sigh. I hate it even more. Why am I fuming? Stop thinking about that bastard! Damn it!
What should I do?
"If you want to forget about everything, just do it."
If it were that easy, I should've done it. I don't want to endure the pain any longer, I think I'm going crazy.
"But others said, if you want to forget someone, there must be a new love." Jom seemed to know something so he quickly suggested a method to get over it.
"Then, what should I do to have someone new?" I asked innocently.
I told you already, that my feelings toward Kinn happened without me even knowing about it. Then you're telling me to find new love? Are you kidding me?
"Try to open up your mind, if you can think of another person more than him, then you could forget about him."
"Who am I going to think about then?" I asked something stupid like a retarded child who had just learned about love and suddenly got heartbroken.
"Nong Ploy, first year, or Nong Som? Pretty cool." I put the spoon down before sitting back in the chair leaning back weakly. Thinking about this I was shocked again. I couldn't look at women the same way. It didn't feel the same as before. I've tried so many times but it felt like I didn't have that urge towards women anymore. Damn!
"I guess I can't take a girl," I said honestly. The bastards exchanged looks with each other, then stared back at me stunned. There has been a change in me. I felt different.
"Then let's go with men."
I glared at him as soon as he finished the sentence. I could accept Kinn, but I'm having goosebumps just by thinking about other men doing things to me like that.
"No way!"
"Don't fuck with me. Are you saying that you only like Kinn? It's not possible if you say you feel different from women that only means you like men. You should open your mind." Jom said seriously and I immediately shook my head in disagreement. I am not dirty like that! I can't accept it.
"I won't."
"Hey! I'm telling you, if he can get another, you can get one too!" Tem said it as if he was brewing a good plan.
"Revenge?"
"No, not really. You're going to get it right. How deeply you feel about him. Fight him straight an eye for an eye. Hurt him the way that he hurt you. Show him that you don't care at all and that he's not someone that could get you killed."
I kept thinking about what he has said but it was no different from revenge. So how could I be? If no one piqued my interest, this plan is a sure fail.
"Flirt with someone else, try to forget him, and act normal. Right?"
"Do you need help in understanding what we are saying? You idiot." Jom put down his spoon and looked at me annoyed.
"Who are you talking about?"
"Hmm, let's look at someone closer shall we?" Tem tried to think. They said it as if it was that easy to find someone.
"You?" I pointed it out to him. The bastard Kinn was interested in this guy, or is it the other way around?
"Huh! Disgusting!" He rubbed his arms in panic as if ants had crawled on his skin. I must have said the wrong word.
"Then who?"
"Jom."
"No, he doesn't take a shower. No deal." I said, crouching my nose.
"So, is Khun Earth okay with you? You know the noisy guy next door?" He pointed his finger at the wall of the room as I hurriedly shook my head. The guy next door likes to bring people over and screams. Probably a psycho.
"Hmm, P' Beam? A bit overbearing but he would do it."
"It's like choosing a fish in the market. I'm not saying that I can take it with anyone."
I am not like Kinn. Who's when in the mood, could go down with anyone.
"You don't want anyone, so what is your preference?"
Tem didn't give up on the idea of finding someone I could flirt with. I felt like it wouldn't work, the logic was crazy!
"Rich!" I said jokingly. In my head, I thought, what do I like about Kinn? Rich? Well, he's a good player, but he's hot! I miss him again.
Oh! Fuck! Or do I need to find someone like Tem has said? My mind is getting confused.
"Oh! This person is what we are looking for!" Tem exclaimed looking at my vibrating phone because of an incoming call from the line. I picked up my phone and stared at the screen decisively. When I saw the name Vegas calling.
"Hello?"
[Hello Porsche, are you busy?]
"What's up?"
[It's about your motorcycle. The technician is asking where to bring it.]
Oh damn! I have forgotten about my son! Well if Vegas hadn't called, I would have forgotten about it.
"Uhm, would it be convenient to bring it to the dormitory next to the university?" I asked curiously.
[Yes, that would be fine. I will do it for you right away.]
He hung up and I shared my location. I borrowed a set of clothes from Tem so that I would look presentable at least. Of course, his size is completely different from mine, so he found an oversized T-shirt and loose sweatpants. It looked like pajamas when worn and I looked like someone who wouldn't go out and meet other people. But I realized, yeah I wouldn't need any better since I would only be going down and getting my keys from Vegas.
I helped the bastard clean the room and pushed Jom until he finally agreed to take a shower. After a while, Vegas arrived and called me to inform me that he and the mechanic were outside. At the same time, Jom asked to go down with me and call him a taxi.
When I got to the garage, the mechanic and Vegas were standing while the man was looking at me smiling. I excused myself to fetch Jom a taxi and then help him get in. After I have sent the bastard home, I get back to Vegas and the mechanic.
I never thought he would come himself, I expected the mechanic to just send the motorcycle to me.
"I had the mechanic change the engine to the latest model. Then I washed it and also polished it for you."
I stood there stunned looking at my son, who seemed to be in a brand new car. It looked new and way cooler. The new color on it looked fresh and clean and the machine was upgraded to the latest model which was quite expensive.
"No, why did you— Maybe it's..." I said, scratching my chin. It felt too much but this bastard had made me feel intimidated. But fuck! I think I like him right now! Suddenly my old backpack from a motorcycle turned into a new machine.
"A little. The old machine has a lot of problems, the mechanic said you can use it for a while but eventually you might need to have it repaired again so I took the initiative to change it to a new model. I hope Porsche wouldn't mind." Vegas said proudly.
He didn't consult me and I felt that was a bit overbearing. But, did he pay for it? Or do I have to pay for it? If I have to pay, damn, I'll tell them to take it away quickly.
"How much does it cost?" I asked.
"It's done. I paid for it." Vegas said smiling and I immediately raised an eyebrow.
"Excuse me?"
He overdid everything and that makes me uncomfortable, but my lips twitched in a smile. I love free stuff! I have been eyeing this machine for a while now but I can't afford to buy it because it's so expensive. So just for today, I will accept this.
The technician began explaining the changes he made to my motorcycle. He also explained in detail how to care for and maintain the machine. Vegas just stood there and listened as well. It took a long time for the mechanic to show me the upgrades including testing the engine, turning the accelerator, and shifting gear until I am very satisfied with the result.
"If any problems occur or anything you want to ask, you can always bring it to the garage. If nothing else, I will excuse myself." The mechanic had Vegas sign a few papers before getting in his car and driving off.
"Porsche, would you like to try the engine out?" Vegas turned to me so I looked at myself and was quite unprepared for a ride.
"No, better next time." Though I'm trying to act normal, my headache is killing me and I won't dare to drive right now.
"Did you drink a lot last night? Then, can I test drive it? Just you sitting behind me, you could feel the power of the engine too."
I immediately shook my head. Also, my dress condition isn't at its best. I look like someone who's going on a fashion week, then driving on a motorcycle? I am like an idiot wrapped in a rag.
"I guess next time would be better."
"Oh come on. I want to try it too. I want to feel how cool riding it." Vegas begged.
"But I looked like a—" I spread my arms out and looked down on myself. I don't look pleased but
I'm comfortable enough.
"You looked fine. I was going to tell you that you dressed cute today." Vegas ran his eyes down my body and smiled teasingly. He's fooling with me.
"If you want to take it for a test drive, you can do it yourself. I'm not really in the mood." I handed him the keys and Vegas pouted immediately. It's good that he's handsome, so pouting like that looks cute on him. If Jom was the one who did it, he would look hilarious.
What the fuck am I thinking?
"Come with me then. I want to try driving it for the owner." Vegas looked at me pleadingly. I have no idea what he wants from me and how could I evade him. I want to return to Tem's room and sleep some more as my headaches are like shit.
My phone suddenly vibrated from my pants pocket, so I picked it up and answered the call when I saw that it was Tem.
"What's up?"
[Uhm, are you going to finish anytime soon?] The bastard asked softly.
"Oh, I am going up now."
[Huh? What are you doing?] The bastard sounded confused.
"What's the matter?"
[Uhm, can you go to a nearby mall for a while? I need some time.] The bastard couldn't speak loudly. I smiled because I knew what he meant.
"Wait, why would I do that?" I tried to tease him.
[I uh, have a little business to attend to, can I?]
"Huh, will two hours be enough? One round? Two?" I asked teasingly until I heard him yell at the other end of the line.
[Damn it. Just go already!]
I sigh as I look at the condition of my clothing. "Okay, but would you mind if I stayed over tonight? Or should I go to Jom's?"
[No, I will be alone tonight. It's fine to stay. Just give me two hours. Go for a walk first.]
"I'll tell you when I get back."
I said and ended the call. I don't even think of asking who he's dating, though I wonder more and more every day. He's acting strange and sneaky. But I'd better wait for him to open up on his own.
"What happened?" Vegas looked at me expectantly. His eyes were sparkling.
"Where are we going?"
I loosened my feet, surrendered to the events, and eventually agreed to go with Vegas. There's no other choice but to go with this stubborn bastard. I couldn't blame Tem as well, I am just asking for a favor in staying over.
Then, let's go find something to do for two hours. Though I feel embarrassed to roam around wearing something like this, someone properly dressed like Vegas is with me, so I won't have any problems right? He would steal people's glances so I'm good.
"A nearby mall? I think it's not crowded by this time."
Vegas said kidding. He said I'm cute, then tease me like this? I can't believe Vegas has a funny side.
Then he volunteered to drive the motorcycle and instructed me to sit behind him. He looked like a kid who was excited to try his new toy.
"Do you know how to drive?" I asked before straddling on the seat behind the bike.
"Yes, I used to ask my father to buy me a big bike, but he wouldn't allow me, so I often stole my friend's ride." He said as he handed me another helmet. He borrowed the helmet from the uncle who parked his bike beside us.
How bold! Well, I couldn't blame him, I only have one helmet.
"Just slow down. This guy starts a bit strong." I reminded him. I'm worried that someone like him, without proper experience riding, could damage my newly fixed bike.
"Okay, hold on tight." He turned to face me and smiled sideways. I nodded then waited for him to turn on the accelerator and into full gear.
"Hey!" As soon as it twisted the accelerator, my face slammed into his back completely. I fearfully grabbed his shoulder with both hands and Vegas laughed at his stupidity then started again. He looked so awkward that I had to instruct him on how to tone down the accelerator gear.
After a while, he could drive well without interruption. He's quite a fast learner. I looked at Vegas through the side mirror and he looked pretty dashing himself. A tall, well-dressed guy in a motorcycle caused the girls on the street to squirm.
Although it felt different when I looked at Kinn, Vegas was equally cool. He can't make my heart tremble as Kinn could just by sitting across from me, but Vegas had been good to me and I now could understand the reason behind his actions towards me.
Should I believe that he likes me?
My mind reverted to Kinn and I felt awkward being here with Vegas. Why am I feeling guilty? I'm not doing anything inappropriate like him. But was it true that I could forget him by opening my heart to someone else?
For a short while that I haven't thought about Kinn, I relaxed a bit and the turmoil inside me calmed a little.
"Do you want to eat? Or take a short walk?" Vegas asked when we reached the parking lot.
"Whatever," I answered.
"Let's go eat then. I haven't eaten anything yet." Vegas said after smiling at me. I nodded in response.
"How about this restaurant?" Vegas pointed to a fairly posh Italian restaurant. I narrowed my eyes to look
at the storefront and turned around to look back at him.
"Will you be paying?" I asked sarcastically. This shop looks good and expensive, so if he wants me in there, there's no way I will be spending a dime. Otherwise, I won't be coming with him.
"I already paid for the repair of your ride right? And that's way more expensive, so of course, I am paying." He replied smirking. I forgot their family is the kind of rich who spends money as if it was nothing.
"Okay," I replied.
Then we headed towards the restaurant with Vegas murmuring about what foods to order. He looked really hungry, but his foot hadn't even stepped into the store when a familiar figure approached him.
"Vegas!" A bright face came to a stop, smiling in front of Vegas, who gave an awkward stunned face before smiling widely.
"When did you come back?" He raised his hand to greet the newcomer. I stood still, stunned, staring at the skinny figure in front of us. He looked cheerful and glowing, different from when I saw him days before.
"It's been a week since I came back."
His stern eyes flicked towards my direction before his eyes furrowed. Then turned to stare straight at me from head to toe. The image of him with Kinn flashed before my eyes and I gritted my teeth in annoyance at how it pinched at my heart. His gaze that mocked me ran through my baggy clothes and his lips twitched in a smile.
What the fuck are you looking at?
"Why is Kinn's guard with Vegas right now?" Tawan folded his arms and glared at me.
"Oh, Porsche is my friend. Have you met him before?"
Said Vegas innocently.
I kept my gaze the other way, I couldn't look at him and did not want to wring his beautiful neck. The look in his eyes was insulting and the last thing I want to do is cause a scene and embarrass Vegas who is with me.
"Oh, I saw him with Kinn the other day, and now he is with you. I have no idea if Kinn's men are like this." He said as if he knew exactly about the conflict between the two families.
He was talking to Vegas as if I wasn't there standing. Why does he treat me like this? I have no engagement in their affair whatsoever, I did not even interfere with them.
"I see. Are you here for a walk, Phi Tawan?" Vegas seemed to detect the rising tension and tried to draw his attention to a different topic.
"Hmm, how about you? Are you going for a walk, just the two of you? Kinn is not with you?" He asked, narrowing his eyes at me. This bastard was insulting me, the intention was too obvious.
What did he know? What did he want from me? Kinn himself didn't seem to care about me being out of his sight, so what is his issue?
If you want to see Kinn so badly, go and ask Marsh! Or maybe his other playthings maybe? Stop wasting your time with someone as insignificant as me.
"Phi Tawan, why are you here? I brought Porsche for dinner." Vegas replied with a smile. He looked at Tawan and me alternately, his face becoming uneasy.
"Where is Kinn?" He said directly to me, leaning closer. His smooth skin glistening and his small physique makes my feet itch. I want to kick his face!
"We aren't neighbors," I said wearily. If not for the passersby and the small crowd around us, his arrogant face would've been down the floor on folded knees minutes ago.
This bastard is testing my temper, which is not at its best right now.
"So that means Kinn is at home. Then I will go see him now."
Tell me, why do you have to tell that to my face?
Where ever you go, and whatever the hell both of you do, it's up to you! What the fuck does that have to do with me?
Something painful gripped my chest and I tried so hard to keep my stance as I felt my knees buckling from the emotions rushing down my body. I managed to act as normally as possible.
"Okay, let me ask if you can, and what if he didn't answer?"
I stared back at him and my brow raised unconsciously. The corners of his mouth twitch in a superior smile. Although I couldn't possibly do what I just said, I want to retort to his provocation badly. People like him would likely be afraid of losing his face. I said it jokingly to call the bastard but I won't just to see his irritated face, it was quite satisfying. He looked back at me with confusion.
"It's okay, Kinn will answer my call." He said as annoyance lanced in his words.
"Good, then do whatever you want to do. And do tell him to stop sending line messages to me. I will come home when I want to."
I said confidently with a mocking smile but deep inside, my heart was breaking. No matter how many annoying words I throw at Tawan, the pain in my chest just keeps getting bigger and deeper. Since last night, Kinn hasn't contacted me. Until now, though I don't want to, I was waiting for his message to ask where I am, how I am doing or why am I not home yet. But nothing came and that sucks.
Silence fell between me and Tawan. We just stood there glaring at each other.
"Ugh, Phi Tawan, excuse us, please. Porsche, I'm hungry." Vegas pulled my arm into the shop, turning his head at Tawan as a goodbye.
Vegas pushed me to sit in the chair until I sat down comfortably. He tried to talk about anything and deflected the topic to ease the irritation that was caused by the earlier incident. He ordered a lot of food and I ate in silence. I could hardly focus on the food in front of me. I felt like a fool acting like that. It was like having a brawl of the tongue with an ex-girlfriend of someone I was currently dating, going for each other's neck for a man that we both liked but is it worth it? Why did I act like that?
It's not like me at all.
How could I forget you if all your memories are lurking around me?! If it was the old me that he talked to like that, he couldn't look down on me for ten seconds and not have his eyes gouged out of their socket. Damn!
That's enough! No more thoughts of Kinn from now on! That's enough Porsche, you've had enough! Stop thinking of him, stop drowning in sadness!
You're a man! What else is there to regret? The only person that sees you as a temporary item, you don't have to value them as well!
Since I am nothing to him, I must forbid him from influencing my life this much!
~~~
"Try this one, I love it. It's delicious." It was an expensive cut of premium quality wagyu beef thrust into my mouth by Vegas. I held out my hand and pulled it to myself but his hand wouldn't let go of the fork, turning it as if he was trying to feed me the meat. And I reluctantly opened my mouth.
"Is it delicious?"
I nodded, chewing. Honestly, I couldn't taste the food however I tried to hypnotize myself to focus on the dinner, I just can't. I acted normal but deep in my heart, it was breaking. The tightness in my chest persists. Thinking about what Tawan and Kinn are doing right now?
Did the sun go to that bastard's house? Are they together? Are they doing— No! stop it, Porsche!
After the dinner, we walked for a while with Vegas talking cheerfully and me just listening and throwing questions here and there. He smiled all the time but I felt even gloomier. The more I tried to bury his image, the more he came clearer to my mind.
The more I felt the love I have for him, the more I felt stupid. The more it hurts.
I have Vegas drive me to phi Beam's dormitory to take some things that I need for the Judo competition tomorrow. All my uniform and equipment are at Kinn's house and I have no plan of getting back anytime soon. So I called to borrow P' Beam's outfit, including the university uniform. Because I wouldn't fit into Tem's size.
"Why did you come together?" Phi Beam walked down carrying the stuff. He looked at me and Vegas suspiciously then smiled teasingly.
"We just ate dinner," Vegas said, obviously avoiding answering Phi Beam.
"Oh, I guess I've been asking you to come to the gym a lot lately. That's how you met?" P' Beam gave me a glimmering look. But I kept my face still and hurriedly received the items from his hand.
"Thank you phi Beam, See you tomorrow," I said quickly and hurriedly jumped onto the motorcycle. As for Vegas, he turned to raise his hand at phi Beam and started the car then drove away.
"How do you know P' Beam?" I held my face along Vegas' shoulders and asked him.
"Huh? What?" Vegas opened his helmet glass and turned slightly towards me.
"How did you know about Phi Beam?" I shouted against the wind that was hitting my face and moved closer to his ear.
"Oh. Phi Beam used to flirt with Macau. He came to our house often so we became close." Vegas said jokingly.
As for me, I was stunned. Phi Beam? Don't tell me that you do too– Why does everyone around me have the same taste?
"Huh! Phi Beam?" I said in disbelief.
"Oh but he doesn't know how to woo."
I can't imagine Phi Beam wooing Macau, that jerk-faced kid that I wanted to slap. Why is the world like this?
"And now? Has it stopped flirting with your brother?"
I suddenly became curious. Vegas turned his head to listen to my voice more than before.
"Still at it! You see, he's crazy in love."
I couldn't imagine Phi Beam with Macau who looked like a puppy who barks at planes.
"Funny," I said giggling.
"Yes, Macau has cursed him several times already. And I never came between them."
I thought Vegas was the first to be fuzzy about it but he talked about Phi Beam with great enthusiasm. I listened closer until I unconsciously put my chin on his shoulder.
"I can't believe it."
"Guess what, Phi Beam used to buy things for Macau every day."
"I can't imagine."
I tried to follow Vegas's words. It was described as a scene that gave me goosebumps. Brother Beam, I never thought you could be this much!
"Where do you want to go next?" Vegas grinned at me as he parked at a red light and turned his face to me before fixing my helmet on. Rocking to touch my forehead lightly. Until I realized that he was too close that I moved back and pulled some distance.
"You can stay, it's fine."
Vegas gave me a look of assurance indicating that it was okay to put my chin on his shoulder. But I didn't. I cursed at myself for being reckless, I have been so engrossed in listening to his stories about P' Beam and lost my manners there.
"You can bring me back to Tem's dorm now," I said keeping my face still as I waited for the traffic light to turn green.
"Can't we stay a bit longer?" Vegas peeped through his helmet but I didn't answer and turned the other way pretending not to hear his question.
~~~~
"Thank you."
Vegas parked the car in the parking lot. I took off my helmet, got off the motorcycle, and stood next to him.
"If one day, you want a driver, call me anytime." Vegas turned off the engine.
"If you like it so much, why don't you buy one?" I said quietly as he handed me the helmet that he borrowed and I sent it back to the owner.
"And if I bought one, would you ride with me like this too?"
What the fuck?
He gave me a flirtatious look and I am not naive to get what he meant. I am not stupid! What do you think of me?
"Got it. Thank you very much for the help."
I hurriedly said goodbye and walked back into the building. Even though Vegas wasn't a bad choice, the feelings couldn't be manipulated easily like that. And besides, he seems a bit overbearing.
My Facebook notification sound made me pick up the phone from my pocket and look at it.
Vegas Korawit sends you a friend request
I turned to look towards the parking lot through the glass wall of the building. Vegas held up his phone to confirm that he added me as a friend on the app. So I confirmed without much thinking. I continued to browse my feed as I waited for the elevator to come down.
VEGAS: Can you stay? Don't just let me go. You know my heart is with you now.
I grinned at his status. It has nothing to do with me but I just can't help but smile. But seconds after, the name that liked his status caught my eye.
Kinn Anakin liked the status
As soon as he disappeared from my thoughts, here he comes back again, rubbing the pain back to my chest. Just seeing his name on the screen sends me chills all over my skin. I strained forward towards the elevator and pressed Tem's floor. Then the Line notification pinged.
KINN:
Why did you hurry back to the dormitory?
Why didn't you go all the way with him?
PORSCHE:
I'm not like you asshole!
I didn't know why I rushed to read his message like an idiot. The confusing emotions steamed around my chest that it felt like I wanted to puke. As soon as I reached Tem's door, I wanted to throw my phone away. Why would he message me now? After making me feel as if I'm nothing like that, what does he want now?
KINN:
Come down. I'm downstairs.
I knocked at Tem's room and as soon as he opened the door, I stormed past him towards the room. I tossed the clothes that I carried into the sofa before I replied to Kinn in frustration.
PORSCHE:
You're not my father, don't order me like that.
KINN:
Will you come down or do you want me to drag you down?
PORSCHE:
Why? Are you afraid that Vegas would get me to betray your family? If so, come and kick me out. Oh, you don't have to fire me, I'm leaving myself so that you don't have to bother me like this.
I typed a long reply while tears started to wet the rim of my eyes. Damn bastard!
I don't know when he came to Tem's building, he must have seen me with Vegas. He was scolding like before and I don't like it at all. This situation should satisfy me like Tem and Jom have said, right? But it only added to the pain I am already feeling. He must only be worried about me betraying his family. He didn't care for me at all.
Stop hallucinating, Porsche!
The phone started ringing and Kinn's name popped on the screen until I had to turn off the gadget and collapse on the sofa. I can't explain whatever I am feeling right now. I'm confused, hurt, and in pain but I also wanted to see Kinn, so much that I want to slap myself into the wall.
The knock on the door startled both me and Tem. We looked at each other in amazement until he moved forward to open it.
"Tem, I don't want to see him right now." Tem looked at me and the banging door alternately as if he knew who it was.
"Go to my room first. I'll take care of him myself."
I nodded at him then stood up and entered the room, locked the door, and sat on the bed.
What do I have to do to get rid of this feeling? How long will it take to stop thinking about him? Did he follow me this time because he was angry about Vegas?
I should be happy but I am not. Is it because he got lonely? Is Tawan gone? How about Marsh?
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So, he remembered me because he's feeling lonely now? Am I just like that for him? Or not?
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