
「你不是收到三家公司的錄取通知嗎?你決定了沒?」287Please respect copyright.PENANAbuYHWm6sXh
287Please respect copyright.PENANAr9V2Sbtrcx
「我推卻了。」287Please respect copyright.PENANAIVkHGQ8WXP
287Please respect copyright.PENANAN6ZnZtLnPo
「推卻?全是本地大企業!」287Please respect copyright.PENANAsp9uoXqe79
287Please respect copyright.PENANAjdROxVY3bu
「我不感興趣。」287Please respect copyright.PENANA1qKRV5oCdC
287Please respect copyright.PENANAwOdeNb5jEc
「也是的……你是本屆經濟系唯一一個以一級成績榮譽畢業的人,前途大好,的確不必局限於本地發展,可以考慮到跨國企業工作。」287Please respect copyright.PENANA7v50ErLUAZ
287Please respect copyright.PENANAEf7VSNWCUH
「其實……我想當農夫。」287Please respect copyright.PENANASXfdRBsbUn
287Please respect copyright.PENANAZLJ6pSllam
「開玩笑吧?」287Please respect copyright.PENANALa5zNtITTN
287Please respect copyright.PENANA3vZ6E4YIZ4
「我是認真的——我認為現在的生活很無謂。每天學習大量經濟理論,推算未來市況如何、面對經濟下行情況該要如何處理、要如何操作才可以令經濟穩定……似乎很重要、很偉大,說穿了,不過自欺欺人,利用虛浮數字去充實人生!」287Please respect copyright.PENANAKFxTg2h21Q
287Please respect copyright.PENANAVdjwesWHTs
「冷靜!你是否學業壓力太大,一時衝動?你試想,農夫沒可能坐在城中甲級寫字樓頂樓享受舒適冷氣,品嚐貴價紅酒,俯瞰整個黃金商業地段,冷眼笑看腳下數以十萬計的打工族營營役役、日曬雨淋……」287Please respect copyright.PENANAQq6qT8sGys
287Please respect copyright.PENANA1fXLfti372
「噢!我才不要這樣子!」287Please respect copyright.PENANAPDeicBW3kP
287Please respect copyright.PENANAaYxEALItyS
「有何不好?」287Please respect copyright.PENANAv70KuwChCu
287Please respect copyright.PENANAm9q4D7o8ei
「並非不好……每個人都有不同的理想生活方式,而我的理想生活方式剛巧對不上你的口味。」287Please respect copyright.PENANAZe4ZdPtWCT
287Please respect copyright.PENANAB6ypNZxHpC
畢業禮後一個月,阿杰孭著一個大背囊,毅然隻身前往澳洲。我是唯一一個送行的人。287Please respect copyright.PENANACjWtNanIBg
287Please respect copyright.PENANAfbEYjbxbiC
阿杰說父母強烈反對他的決定,拒絕在經濟上給予任何支援。他向我問及家媛心情是否經已平復,我坦言她還是十分生氣,經常嘲說自己不及幾棵蔬菜那麼重要。287Please respect copyright.PENANArfsoIvqIdx
287Please respect copyright.PENANAIbXTA85hS5
我問阿杰是否仍然愛著家媛,他不置可否,只道自己已作出選擇。287Please respect copyright.PENANAe3vuIDh8he
十年過去。287Please respect copyright.PENANAr04xqgVEJk
287Please respect copyright.PENANAx9tZB4HiJV
我坐在城中甲級寫字樓埋頭苦幹。舒適冷氣是基本而必然的,沒有判別享受或不享受的念頭。無暇品嚐紅酒,無意俯瞰整個黃金商業地段,無心留意腳下是否有數以十萬計的打工族營營役役、日曬雨淋。287Please respect copyright.PENANAJlqUufD8ch
287Please respect copyright.PENANAmtpNNF6skI
我一心只求盡快完成工作回家去。287Please respect copyright.PENANA4qOzZSKRjj
287Please respect copyright.PENANA6ofHhtz5R8
到達家門前,已是凌晨一時。內心忽爾悸動,渴望門後有人正在等我。287Please respect copyright.PENANACObxmtHgR4
287Please respect copyright.PENANAVkx8O2eGue
門開。門後無人——家媛已然入睡。她身穿絲質吊帶雪白睡裙側睡,酥胸半露,長腿微曲,睡姿誘人。我伸手來回撫摸她的滑嫩大腿,及後乾脆直接伸手至私處愛撫。她呼吸加速,媚眼半張,轉身平躺張腿迎合……287Please respect copyright.PENANAud41sCvf1b
287Please respect copyright.PENANAgjp0hXUJ8v
當年阿杰的離開令家媛大受打擊,單身三年後方能走出陰霾,再覓戀情,接下來的四年內談戀愛五次。直至迎來三十歲,她的感情狀態始穩定下來,與我走在一起。相戀半年後,我們共賦同居至今約兩年半。我以為我們將會順理成章結婚生子,百頭到老,誰料半個月前我在客廳茶几上發現一本外國雜誌,封面主角是阿杰。287Please respect copyright.PENANAjdLDP1Kryd
287Please respect copyright.PENANAZNoJxpKCzx
家媛說她閒逛書店時驚見阿杰登上雜誌封面,好奇心驅使,買下雜誌。287Please respect copyright.PENANAzEvyreeYsC
287Please respect copyright.PENANArGnk8Xbv2M
但我暗暗認定她對阿杰尚未釋懷,總是將家媛的一舉一動與阿杰作出聯想。她每天早上喝咖啡許是因為阿杰喜歡喝咖啡。她常穿白色裙子許是因為阿杰曾經公開讚美她皮膚白晳,適合穿白裙。她的五名前男友與阿杰有不少相似之處,是因為她心繫阿杰,而非她本來就是喜歡這類型的男士……287Please respect copyright.PENANAqTKN7BeBXz
287Please respect copyright.PENANAts10YRUU8A
激情過後,壓力盡釋,腦袋放空,散亂雜念冒起。287Please respect copyright.PENANAAGkWZAf8mS
287Please respect copyright.PENANAl0bn2LMPtk
如果當日阿杰沒有離開,他和家媛的愛情能否開花結果?如果阿杰留在本地發展,如今成為分區經理的人會否是他、不是我?如果阿杰未曾離開我的生活圈子,我是否不至如此妒忌?287Please respect copyright.PENANAqPsp8qHhzQ
287Please respect copyright.PENANABVJr5rsVOn
妒忌?我無從否認。287Please respect copyright.PENANAsjaNhCTT0F
287Please respect copyright.PENANA1LU5VPtThH
因何妒忌?我無法言明。287Please respect copyright.PENANAfspU4fSWq6
287Please respect copyright.PENANAIjsep7HEiX
「你是否仍然掛念阿杰?」我問,回味自己悉才將阿杰前女友壓在胯下的快感。287Please respect copyright.PENANAHb0wnusWkE
287Please respect copyright.PENANAvcJndiT2O4
「是。我還愛著阿杰。」家媛坦言,沒有絲毫悔疚表情:「每次做愛時,我一直幻想面前的人是他。」287Please respect copyright.PENANAzZsNnVp2zw
287Please respect copyright.PENANAkBghqWwmy9
「你何不到澳洲找他?他離開你是因為當時必須二選一。如果你去澳洲跟他一起當農夫,他就無需作出選擇!」我由衷建議,希望家媛到澳洲後再次認清自己不及幾棵蔬菜重要。287Please respect copyright.PENANAZGrDi9t29h
287Please respect copyright.PENANALWE800M9G2
家媛沒有回話,可憐兮兮深深望入我雙眸。帶淚默默湊近,給我火熱一吻,吻得情深、吻得傷心。她主動騎上我身搖擺腰肢,給我極為美好的最後一夜作道別禮物……若果這夜相處是帶有感情或愛,相比之下,過去她未曾對我投放任何感情或愛。287Please respect copyright.PENANAY8bM1DaOCh
287Please respect copyright.PENANAx7NOIrdLyi
翌日,家媛在我起床前已收拾所有個人物品離開,彷彿不曾在此生活過。整個房子空虛空洞空盪盪。早料有此一幕,惟真的去到必須面對的一刻,我心不禁感到難過——我為自己的無謂感到難過。287Please respect copyright.PENANA2FHWk4cykW
十年又過去。287Please respect copyright.PENANAvNgdyy7NoF
287Please respect copyright.PENANAFXM44vGUWW
我的事業更上一層樓,被擢升為亞洲區總監,需要長駐位於另一城市的亞洲區分行。287Please respect copyright.PENANAYCRXv0nlfX
287Please respect copyright.PENANAEDSOM8xvLJ
收拾行裝,打掃家居,意外在書架一隅發現以阿杰作封面人物的舊雜誌。家媛是有意留下雜誌或是意外忘記帶走?我百思不得其解。無所謂吧。我已放下家媛,不在乎她此舉動機。287Please respect copyright.PENANAf0KzkcfvNL
287Please respect copyright.PENANAJDz592pQqL
我在意的反倒是阿杰,十分好奇他獨個兒身在異地當農夫的經歷和感受。許是年過四十的緣故,心態和生活已有既定模式,無法想像不曾在日常生活出現或接觸的人事物。我對阿杰的印象仍然停留於機場道別一刻和雜誌封面照片。心血來潮,我把雜誌放入隨身行李,起行出發。287Please respect copyright.PENANAhoV5IkbILZ
287Please respect copyright.PENANAOeOkx4RYEc
九霄雲上,機艙窗外,白日藍天。時區轉換,自然消失的三小時與我有關亦無關。287Please respect copyright.PENANA2gkI3Ga0Lg
287Please respect copyright.PENANAenKgTWUz6O
我津津有味細閱雜誌。287Please respect copyright.PENANAEYc8wEaRng
287Please respect copyright.PENANAL9kOhrtLAc
這是一本由澳洲政府印刷的月刊,每期內容旨在推廣當地經濟活動,包括但不限於商業、工業、農業。阿杰就是以「畜牧業工商協會代表」身份接受訪問,推廣當地畜牧業。他早年從事農業,後來發現自己對動物更有興趣,於是轉投𤰸牧業……287Please respect copyright.PENANAXyv0FKLVhA
287Please respect copyright.PENANAEqSV8FDTId
一個滑稽畫面在腦海驀地冒起:瘦削黝黑的阿杰被無數毛茸茸的可愛雪白綿羊簇擁,寸步難行……287Please respect copyright.PENANAnvrkBYe9FN
287Please respect copyright.PENANAg2zL11nTxl
離任舊職後、上任新職前,需要我現身出席的活動場合及工作會議大幅減少,我大部份時間只需以手提電話與同事聯絡即可。難得時間寬裕鬆動,我立即購買機票前往澳洲。287Please respect copyright.PENANAiDuQRsA336
287Please respect copyright.PENANAXHovgHqQT5
阿杰在當地甚有名氣,很多人甫看見雜誌封面就會說:「我知道!這是『牧羊人』阿杰!」。縱然他退下火線三年多,我不難從路人口中問得他的住處:某小型牧場內的一間紅磚小屋。287Please respect copyright.PENANAjRjFByDuLv
夜。初秋,微溫帶涼,空氣清爽。287Please respect copyright.PENANAtN4uTQIbTB
287Please respect copyright.PENANAL39ngQO69k
餐後,阿杰提議在屋外觀星。287Please respect copyright.PENANAarFmdQjIOa
287Please respect copyright.PENANAlXAUVamA77
漫天繁星,目不暇給。287Please respect copyright.PENANANxpQ5R9Rox
287Please respect copyright.PENANAHX8doEsT9c
阿杰說,我倆身處近郊地區,城市光害稍微影響星空能見度,明天會駕車帶我到郊區深處觀星勝地,車程大約兩小時。我問有沒有其他得推介的名勝。他推薦城市另端的一個港灣,黃昏景色絕美,氣氛浪漫。我建議他帶女人去,兩個大男人一起看日落,感覺彆扭。他提及曾經帶家媛看日落。287Please respect copyright.PENANA69ngZbG3J2
287Please respect copyright.PENANA1rPHAFooTq
「她還在澳洲嗎?」我竟心頭一戚。287Please respect copyright.PENANAEYgsw6WgCq
287Please respect copyright.PENANAPtrSRbz7Sq
「她只逗留半年,某天突然說想要回家。」阿杰輕嘆:「我們追求的理想生活方式截然不同,無法遷就或磨合。」287Please respect copyright.PENANAB2iwndauvq
287Please respect copyright.PENANA8eVsjB5eh0
「你是否仍然愛著家媛?」我多年前曾經問過同一問題。287Please respect copyright.PENANAcM9KC7nDEU
287Please respect copyright.PENANAB9DuD3S0M4
「我已作出選擇。」阿杰多年前曾經交出同一答案。「家媛亦已作出選擇。」287Please respect copyright.PENANAWjYyP5vvWv
287Please respect copyright.PENANAlzswywQrxo
我本欲開口問及那半年的詳情細節,但轉念一想,既成往事,多問無益。287Please respect copyright.PENANAV4QoEg8FSD
287Please respect copyright.PENANAUYnpolLyfF
「你不知道她回去了?」阿杰沉默良久,細思極恐,煞是驚訝。他還是老樣子,不懂鑑貌辨色,不懂得隱藏心思——他明顯知道我和家媛曾經的關係。287Please respect copyright.PENANAkzD0vEljUd
287Please respect copyright.PENANAn6mbJaKbUN
我苦笑,輕輕帶過話題:「她不選擇你,不代表必然會選擇我。世上有數之不盡的選擇!」287Please respect copyright.PENANARAOCnmBJb8
287Please respect copyright.PENANAv9oZ6XSwQ7
「你呢?多年以來有沒有作出任何突破的選擇?抑或一直以來沿著理想道路走,毋須選擇?」阿杰仰望夜空,眸珠子映照出點點星光。287Please respect copyright.PENANAJTJpqzIvlF
287Please respect copyright.PENANA3slViQXr00
「我已作出選擇。」我打趣模仿阿杰口吻,其實心裡根本沒有確切答案——活著多年,我未曾思考這問題。我是幸運的,至少相比阿杰和家媛,我從來不需要面對兩難抉擇。或許,該說是從未有人事物重要得使我陷入兩難局面。287Please respect copyright.PENANAA07gtY0E0X
287Please respect copyright.PENANAQCUx8sTIvP
翌日,我想要試試親手照顧羊隻。阿杰領我到羊舍,舍內只有六隻綿羊。287Please respect copyright.PENANAwcq7oFVzg6
287Please respect copyright.PENANAlnUwPwLJOp
「這是Dolly。那是Peter、Paul、Mary、Daisy、John。」287Please respect copyright.PENANAsvPkkub4Kf
287Please respect copyright.PENANAwmPg0NSpiO
「你只有六隻綿羊?」287Please respect copyright.PENANALfwA8gYeII
287Please respect copyright.PENANAbhkMFzW2MS
「本來共有九百多隻牛羊……我的牧場在本區算是手屈一指的中型畜牧公司。但我某天醒覺自己不該以工廠模式對待牠們,所以三年前賣掉公司,只留六隻綿羊陪伴自己。偶爾種田養魚,打發時間。」287Please respect copyright.PENANAk400YVeZco
287Please respect copyright.PENANAwVPPJM6kvP
「原來你經已賺得盆滿砵滿,正在享受退休生活。哈!」287Please respect copyright.PENANAAym2n8IoVB
287Please respect copyright.PENANAjnko3XueKC
我不明所以。原以為家媛捱不了窮、受不了苦,才會決定離開阿杰,現在看來似乎不是那麼一回事——阿杰本可活得更舒適閒逸,但他選擇了淡然、平實。這到底是甚麼心態?我不理解。287Please respect copyright.PENANAAY9zyudRe0
287Please respect copyright.PENANAXsL5bTKi1r
接下來的幾日,阿杰整天與我待在牧場照顧羊隻。他駕輕就熟,我手忙腳亂,鬧出不少笑料,彼此笑得開懷。辛勞一天,晚餐顯得格外美味。287Please respect copyright.PENANAySqClr1BGz
287Please respect copyright.PENANADL1beZSrZN
我問可否現在去看看上次提及的港灣。他說這時段港灣墨黑一片,只能看見海面燈塔和幾十支若隱若現的沿岸照明燈。我說不介意。他思索幾秒,點頭同意,動身起行。287Please respect copyright.PENANAOKPPi3r65Z
287Please respect copyright.PENANAKBftTZdjcf
車途漫長,公路延綿,晚意無盡。僅能看見車燈亮光所及之處,似乎看清前路,同時又無法斷言前路定是平坦無礙。可能有袋鼠中途撲出,可能會輾過緩慢過路的野生小動物,可能早已奪去無數蛇蟲生命而不自知。唯一肯定的是我在此,阿杰在旁。他專心駕駛,全神貫注於路面情況,毫不察覺我從車窗玻璃倒影偷瞄他的神情。眉頭深鎖,雙唇緊抿,眼神深邃。阿杰在此生活多年,比我更清楚長途夜駕風險。他正在背負我倆的生命,只為我一句任性說話。287Please respect copyright.PENANA0cTYD1jNso
287Please respect copyright.PENANAzGLVMLRwuh
數小時後,我們抵達港灣。如阿杰所言,四周烏燈黑火,沒甚麼好看。不過我的心情很不錯。伸懶腰,深呼吸,吐烏氣。287Please respect copyright.PENANAzLJ48p4wG4
287Please respect copyright.PENANAdDtA5NeRJg
阿杰遞來一杯熱朱古力。287Please respect copyright.PENANAGqExpOYzKd
287Please respect copyright.PENANAZ9Y1vCQ6Qn
「這景色本該配襯熱咖啡,不過咖啡店經已休息,只得用帶來的熱水沖調朱古力粉。」287Please respect copyright.PENANA8JgjKJXhXK
287Please respect copyright.PENANAIwgF6p1SzG
「不喜歡咖啡粉?」287Please respect copyright.PENANAZbvbadfIAv
287Please respect copyright.PENANAOCPqTKU3e4
「那不是好東西。」287Please respect copyright.PENANAj7R37xq863
287Please respect copyright.PENANAPuj60AL7IZ
阿杰耍手搖頭,慨嘆世上竟有笨蛋暴殄天物,發明出那種鬼東西。我笑,沒料到凡事漠然的阿杰竟會在小事情上如此執著。我們不著邊際的談天說地,講及很多平日不會出口的無聊話題,後來甚至一起扮鳥叫、扮狗吠。不經思考,旨在吐出一些話語字音,抒發情感。287Please respect copyright.PENANAZt1CqVfpes
287Please respect copyright.PENANAxKMFdXeDfo
將近日出時分,天色曖昧,一片魚肚白由下而上逐漸侵蝕紫灰,白日冉升為界,廣闊天空分為上靛下橙兩截顏色,直至旭日光芒均勻散發照耀,各種顏色才得以混和融合,成為清澄開朗的藍。287Please respect copyright.PENANAm1TwXSgSqZ
287Please respect copyright.PENANASonX2CrBNT
人流漸多,附近商店陸續開始新一天的經營。我和阿杰在附近酒店租房休息,一睡就睡上大半天,匆匆吃過快餐,也就驅車回羊舍去。287Please respect copyright.PENANAV1wcxsn5hm
距離上任新職位的日子僅餘兩天,我心越益忐忑。喜歡這種悠閒生活,但也不捨辛勞多年得來的亮麗成績。287Please respect copyright.PENANAr2xdw3Krv4
287Please respect copyright.PENANAg4wmatxl0S
「你跟家媛一樣,希望兩者兼得,所以向我徵詢意見。」287Please respect copyright.PENANA9uPtczrPVE
287Please respect copyright.PENANAruYmTCpL9o
「你當時如何回答家媛?」287Please respect copyright.PENANASoGFI9lLyA
287Please respect copyright.PENANAn37PohPOng
「那是你的人生!怎麼跑來問我?」287Please respect copyright.PENANA1zU286no1p
287Please respect copyright.PENANAKREc1iW474
「家媛一定氣瘋了——她討厭這類答案。」287Please respect copyright.PENANAdbV7X2GRP0
287Please respect copyright.PENANAfphVVwU5CY
「沒錯!她生氣得臭罵我一頓。罵著罵著,她痛哭起來,哭了足足一小時。」287Please respect copyright.PENANAEGfKCY7N5z
287Please respect copyright.PENANAq2AGHzpLo4
我理解家媛感受。287Please respect copyright.PENANAvBVsBCjuUm
287Please respect copyright.PENANAKe7JNkc2zu
有如夜駕前往港灣一事,任性的、危險的,偏偏我心底有股強烈念頭想要實行,然後我向阿杰徵詢意見——阿杰答應,那就實行;阿杰說不,那就放棄。我把作出選擇的責任轉嫁阿杰。但阿杰並非傻瓜,小事尚可代勞,重要事情就會婉拒——他自問無力為別人的人生負責。287Please respect copyright.PENANAvMK3o42cf3
287Please respect copyright.PENANAxC0XcXDyhP
「家媛感受到前所未有的兩難局面吧。選擇自由閒適但變幻莫測的生活模式,抑或諸多掣肘卻規律務實的人生道路?無法以遷就或磨合形式將兩者二合為一,必須作出取捨。」287Please respect copyright.PENANAV66x2imcTw
287Please respect copyright.PENANAQXj1LwFhjc
「我理解家媛的感受。情況正如我當初決定到來澳洲生活那樣。我寧可背負『自私』罵名,不希望老來埋怨家媛和父母,自己當初為了他們而放棄甚麼甚麼。」287Please respect copyright.PENANANfSWG2tA6Q
287Please respect copyright.PENANAB2SC6EHVF8
「然後呢?家媛還有沒有講過甚麼特別的,或是有甚麼奇怪行為?」287Please respect copyright.PENANAU71InlU7j2
287Please respect copyright.PENANAfvJ9xEEwiB
阿杰神色尷尬,欲言又止。我會心一笑,明白後續是怎麼一回事:家媛主動睡了他。我不介意——她當時已跟我分手,並非我的伴侶——反倒在意另一細節:「你們有好好道別嗎?」287Please respect copyright.PENANAsJmc8WmGzn
287Please respect copyright.PENANAuhBrvYdYqx
「我一覺醒來,發現家媛已帶著行李離開,沒有留下片言隻字。數日後,有員工向我報告,他們發現有六隻初生小羊頸上編號牌貼有我和家媛年輕時的貼紙相。」287Please respect copyright.PENANAZDSwlqSrzB
287Please respect copyright.PENANA3rLARrHLQz
「Dolly牠們?」287Please respect copyright.PENANAV5fhY7NSjJ
287Please respect copyright.PENANA3nqXNCfDK6
「對。」287Please respect copyright.PENANAm9h3tqUSNv
287Please respect copyright.PENANAvuaCsY2sRE
「真要命!你仍然愛著家媛。」287Please respect copyright.PENANA0qQK6GKDFj
287Please respect copyright.PENANA4yYN1lnv3x
「我已作出選擇。」287Please respect copyright.PENANAPuckXwWyip
287Please respect copyright.PENANAUErBVJqd4W
兩日後,我孭著大背囊離開澳洲,阿杰是唯一一個送行的人。沒有離愁別緒,輕鬆平常得有如普通友儕飯聚後的道別。阿杰沒有捨不得我,我沒有留戀牽掛這段快樂日子,證明彼此不曾為任何選擇感到後悔。287Please respect copyright.PENANABzKQKy4eVB
287Please respect copyright.PENANAgEPl3JC0ja
九霄雲上,機艙窗外,白日藍天。時區轉換,自然增加的三小時與我有關亦無關。287Please respect copyright.PENANA7nHOEdi8nv
287Please respect copyright.PENANANkvF2tGCwq
我細閱手上文件,一心一意為假期後的首個工作會議作準備。
註:此篇將會收錄於短篇小說合集《雜念集》
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