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程華切斷通話，隨手將手機拋在床上，人順帶一併倒進床裡，把臉面埋的紮紮實實，幾秒後又像條會怪叫的巨蟲邊叫邊蠕動，吵了好半晌才起身抓了衣服進浴室盥洗。124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGlzNZZDwU3
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在等冷水轉熱的過程，程華彷彿又經歷了一次被一盆冷水灌頂的感受。下午懷著滿心熱誠與情意打算正式展開追求，誰知道季慈搶先拒絕，毫不留情的幾個字就讓他嚐到令人難以忘懷醍醐灌頂的滋味。124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfiJGrMg9S2
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水轉熱了，氤氳的水氣包圍著他，將白色牆磚蒙上水氣，鏡面也霧的看不清真心。程華不明白，季慈明明渴望被溫暖包圍，卻又矛盾的推離了他。124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdoUfKyBJVX
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為什麼？124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd1LitS7Dv9
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接下去，他該怎麼做？124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCLOXNz1MG3
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方才電話中季慈的聲音並不如往常平和，他的聲音有些發啞，語速也較平時快，仔細想想電話開頭那段詭異的沉默代表著什麼？124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5UvZUr0J7R
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他認識季慈不知不覺也三四個月過去了，季慈是個彼此之間毫無往來，光站在那親切微笑的說歡迎光臨都令人感到喜歡的人。他不愛閒聊、不會說話技巧、不會說謊，但他很直，說出的每句話都是他的真實感受，雖然這些真話僅只是他思緒的冰山一角。124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQlzBxt4kuj
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程華知道每個人心裡都有一塊不願碰觸、不願吐露的地方，就像他年少時跟老爸交惡的那段歷史一樣，這是一種作為人的防禦機制，能遺忘則遺忘，能不說則不說，到頭來累積的事物越多，就越是只苦了自己。124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhgNZpXdgwy
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季慈的聲音就長這樣，尤其是在剛才，和昨天的遊樂園，格外明顯。124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1wvfNEkZAo
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他那時候說什麼「不明白愛情真正的樣貌」，到今天晚上先是落荒而逃，後是故作鎮定拒絕，一切的一切都不對勁，不想談愛、不想談感情，卻又用一臉嚮往跟迷惘疑惑的神情表示對婚姻的期盼。124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc2yMQ8aR9U
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他猜想，季慈不是不懂愛，他就是太懂了才會拒絕，對婚姻跟愛情的比重感到無措，他在害怕，害怕愛情本身。124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8QeCERUFQa
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現在的季慈跟當初的他幾乎是一個樣，這樣的對象要他怎麼能夠不心動，要他怎麼能夠因為被顫抖地拒絕而放棄。124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEP0dszSZZz
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季慈又愛又怕又期待的事物，程華自認給得起，拿得起放得下，痛過也不害怕下次，他能給的，季慈可以接受到什麼程度呢？他又要怎麼做，季慈才會不再將他拒於門外。124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxE2Q3IDU7Z
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程華沖掉身上最後一丁點的泡沫，關水抽過浴巾拭淨身上水痕，持續運作的抽風機將霧氣抽離，白色牆磚跟鏡面漸漸變得清晰，匯聚起的水珠也滑落了。124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlz8W4c6IiP
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他懊惱的吹完頭髮倒進柔軟的床被，翻來覆去的想：這不是最難的對象，卻是讓他最容易無措的人。124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtApcbWoEGe
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睡著前程華做了個如夢幻想，若是能跟季慈走一輩子，就算是他曾經失望的家庭，也在一瞬邊變得令人期待。兩人一起做家務、一起當沙發馬鈴薯，抱在一起聊天，煮煮飯、鬥鬥嘴，洗個澡、滾個床，然後幸福愉快溫馨的相擁而眠──124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡscuLtnwAAY
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想著想著便嗤嗤的笑出聲。124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhxfU51ydSl
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他人的失敗不表示自己會失敗，愛情跟婚姻不都是同樣需要覺悟而努力維繫的嗎？124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5CNjYl2J3H
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程華整理好心情重新出發，他體內充滿能量，結果能量先被繁忙的工作消耗了大半，搞得他外貌憔悴，照鏡子時萌生了新策略，又因這週工作忙，剛被拒絕的情況下刻意不打電話給季慈，僅在睡前傳訊息說聲晚安，提醒夜涼注意身體，壓抑再壓抑後臉色就更憔悴了。124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl0At6zXSMe
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程華前一晚特地告訴季慈要去接他，他緊盯訊息是否已讀，盯得眼睛都酸了，系統才跳出已讀字樣。接著細數時間，季慈竟花了比平常多一倍的時間才回應說好。所以現在程華坐在車裡，停在老位置能清楚看見百貨公司後門每個走出來的人影。124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0v5fUNFS0B
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季慈出現時身邊跟著一個同事，那同事拍了拍他的臂膀，甚至還摟了他一下，程華坐在車內險些衝動地按喇叭，他內心的小鹿差點化身為發狂的麋鹿。124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYuwuCEyJce
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好在季慈很快地退開身，抿嘴一笑像是說謝謝，轉身往他的方向走來。124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjj0BXLaEBc
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程華花幾秒鐘整理好情緒，讓自己回復到有點沮喪的狀態，毫不意外的在季慈打開車門坐上來轉頭看他的臉龐上察覺一絲錯愕與懊惱。124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡim0sPhcXpD
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令程華好奇的是，季慈的嘴角邊藏著一抹愉悅？124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy6tEhQ8FAQ
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「晚安，好久不見。」實際上根本沒多久，但沒有見面、沒有電話連繫的這幾天，確實讓程華感到一日不見如隔三秋的寂寞。124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOvPZ1NUzjb
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「晚安。對不起，我不知道你這麼難過。」季慈安靜地坐好，還沒繫上安全帶先說了抱歉。124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD7W9BxTNWY
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程華心上一酸，他是希望季慈可以柔軟點，但不是這種樣子。覺得自己做得過了點特意將笑容延展的更開些。「沒事，工作忙，順便換個形象，不要想太多。」124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPcnqTdjiGo
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季慈望過來的視線帶著探究，認真凝視他的雙眸被照得搖曳閃爍，程華被他盯得渾身不對勁。每次跟季慈在一塊，特別像青少年初悸那般，動不動就心思浮躁、心跳加速，從耳根泛熱到指尖，直想伸手摸摸人。他只好不自在的轉開視線，偷偷深呼吸幾口，殊不知這樣反而落實了季慈隱晦難言的愧疚。124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV2vyy0xCWl
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程華整理好情緒，終於表現出身為主管階級的氣魄——一點點。他說：「餓嗎？邊吃邊喝好嗎？」124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEVea1NR1wN
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季慈點頭，車外一閃而過的燈光讓他的表情變得模糊，他背光說：「程華……你為什麼會喜歡我呢？我只是一個無趣的人。」124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW0Vv84K7J5
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他放在排檔桿上的手倏地緊收。「在喜歡的人眼裡，無趣也是迷人之處，更何況你一點也不無趣。」他緊鎖住季慈的雙眼，方才的閃爍變得晃蕩混濁，令人看不真切。124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡveFEsoR8Hj
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季慈嘴唇顫動了會，不發一語的垂下頭令程華完全看不見他的表情。124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkgk93pjpNb
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「等會再聊吧？」季慈沒有反應，程華在心裡偷偷嘆氣。124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1klJmR2ZHn
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他探過身想幫季慈繫上安全帶，季慈阻止了他，自己動手扣好，撇頭望向外邊，直到他們進了一間小酒屋。124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW5PK5cARpS
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這間小酒屋是程華在這座都市中最喜愛的幾間店之一，主因是有隱私性的類包廂設計。店內切割成好幾個小房間，但是沒有門板，來來去去的人若有興趣可以自由進出搭訕，當然，不想被打擾可以請服務生加裝一道門簾，經過的人自然會知道這間包廂不可闖入，其實這裡是專門交誼用的。只不過今天程華是純粹帶季慈來這吃東西跟喝酒放鬆的，便請服務生將門簾裝上。副因素則是這裡的食物十分美味。124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOBRn6DNQyb
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季慈坐在他的對面，方形木桌隔開了彼此的距離，程華觀察到季慈的異樣，季慈的氣色不是很好，現在臉色僵得更為嚴重，連上班用的敷衍笑容都不見蹤影。他以為自己會緊張，但看見季慈這樣什麼緊張都成了擔憂。「先點些東西，有沒有想吃什麼？」124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2UTwoWBNm4
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季慈接過菜單，抬眉又垂眼，最後僅只點了一鍋魚湯，又把菜單還給他，眼睛便動也不動的停駐在他的身上。124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX6LNMwD1pj
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程華被這專注的視線又看得躁熱起來，季慈的樣子像是被什麼難題困住，表情嚴肅凝重到程華覺得今天是季慈失戀，而他才是來陪喝失戀酒安撫他的人。124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp5OSjmCAy2
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適才在車上，季慈天外飛來一筆的問句擊得他頭暈目眩，差點就要失控的抱住季慈，傾吐承諾。季慈的問題證明了程華的推論，還順道拋出新的問題。124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡok7V1UPg2F
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程華一面朝服務生來點餐，一面斟酌問題。服務生離去後，他問：「季慈，你是不是不相信愛情？」他看見季慈身軀明顯一頓，隨後倔強的撇過臉不再看他。124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvsi146Udg4
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塊狀的沉默擠滿了整個包廂，程華盯著季慈的側臉，對方瞪著窗外被秋風吹得搖擺的枝椏，他的手收在桌下，或許握了拳，渾身發僵的坐在那，讓服務生穿梭在寂然裡，讓他開口說話的聲音混在食物裡。「你覺得愛是什麼？你說過，愛很抽象。」124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoAB8xcfJAX
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「……是我願意與你共同攜手相伴一輩子。」程華臉有些熱，他不是很願意這時候說這句話，時機不對，季慈不會相信，但他也不願意這時候打哈哈帶過，或者扯些五四三的繞圈回答。124Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXY9crSdVWj
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