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No Plagiarism!lolnFRhcmTxKUZtZdB9Nposted on PENANA 書本名稱:雨過天晴 (底下藍字為作品連結)8964 copyright protection443PENANA3VELyHl8WH 維尼
447Please respect copyright.PENANAIJJGIECTma
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作者:凌語447Please respect copyright.PENANARs776JM1qn
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447Please respect copyright.PENANArsjPuI3cIR
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評文範圍:全文 (粗估大概兩千六百字上下) 上、下、番外8964 copyright protection443PENANAj0p7UWYmpg 維尼
447Please respect copyright.PENANAKN0vZ0JPff
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◇8964 copyright protection443PENANAZw1mHLHubX 維尼
447Please respect copyright.PENANADbNg07yf3I
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我覺得在評這篇作品以前,我想要先來定義一下我對於小說長短的分類8964 copyright protection443PENANAvpB360FrIb 維尼
447Please respect copyright.PENANArIDXnmJtYF
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首先四千字以內的部分是極短篇8964 copyright protection443PENANA3CrhogefQp 維尼
447Please respect copyright.PENANApqonNiGOc2
8964 copyright protection443PENANA5o2LuXy7U4 維尼
八千字以內的故事是短篇8964 copyright protection443PENANASl3OeUVi8Q 維尼
447Please respect copyright.PENANAsLlN98Dqu9
8964 copyright protection443PENANAdNee42fVGc 維尼
五萬字以內的是中長篇8964 copyright protection443PENANAPQQ3lgcDBw 維尼
447Please respect copyright.PENANA8FPGBFfIfb
8964 copyright protection443PENANAc4TIrz40xq 維尼
八萬以內的故事是長篇(雖然我知道這不算長)8964 copyright protection443PENANAChcePOXIvl 維尼
447Please respect copyright.PENANAMUa5WltYM1
8964 copyright protection443PENANAdG9vfqbSrN 維尼
八萬字以上的就是達實體出版字數要求的作品8964 copyright protection443PENANArXe5gqhLGb 維尼
447Please respect copyright.PENANA2taSSPD3VD
8964 copyright protection443PENANAuECTjnbbIl 維尼
(八萬到十五萬字是一般實體書籍字數,也就是一般我們手上拿的一本書的字數)8964 copyright protection443PENANAF8cQYX4u5i 維尼
447Please respect copyright.PENANArAoDfcPI61
447Please respect copyright.PENANAOkghvkwaoS
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這篇由凌語作著的《雨過天晴》就是屬於極短篇的範圍。8964 copyright protection443PENANARp3yH0kIZC 維尼
447Please respect copyright.PENANAmGHQLoaSzF
447Please respect copyright.PENANApGPCaJGrEy
8964 copyright protection443PENANAFdDEtygZtE 維尼
|故事簡介8964 copyright protection443PENANAXIFebL4jjE 維尼
447Please respect copyright.PENANARtPd00ujeU
8964 copyright protection443PENANAT8jxbZDf4x 維尼
#摘錄自《雨過天晴》上篇貼文page68964 copyright protection443PENANADQ7Nl7dNwR 維尼
447Please respect copyright.PENANAkw39L37tC7
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換上嶄新的畫布,拉開窗簾,顧綵盯著窗外灰暗的天空,以水彩調和如出一轍的色調,用力的潑灑、塗抹著。8964 copyright protection443PENANAEuQk4GR4H6 維尼
447Please respect copyright.PENANARb4wRKcpNF
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447Please respect copyright.PENANAkYV1q2NYQm
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嶄新的畫布、盯著窗外灰暗的天空、用力,彷彿可以感受到顧綵的心聲,她不想要現在這個樣子,她用力的潑灑、揮手落筆。以為只要自己畫下一場細雨落落,那麼心間的綿霂雨聲可以就此止歇。8964 copyright protection443PENANAjXOSKJrnzL 維尼
447Please respect copyright.PENANAtjsrLnXwPB
8964 copyright protection443PENANAuVR7G2hLj3 維尼
可是沒有用的,還是好痛。8964 copyright protection443PENANAlcxFBevve9 維尼
447Please respect copyright.PENANAZuRLlhBr8Q
8964 copyright protection443PENANAQrSR5iex8U 維尼
「如出一轍的色調」、「作過千百次的畫」被她『隨手』撕下。8964 copyright protection443PENANAK1tkJyUw81 維尼
447Please respect copyright.PENANAZDhE59Gveh
8964 copyright protection443PENANAV8xpQRfYJ1 維尼
在自己扎心的痛楚中險些溺斃的她,沒有注意到杵在門外的他。8964 copyright protection443PENANAdbbPMeJFTJ 維尼
447Please respect copyright.PENANAkQfqiAtOQn
447Please respect copyright.PENANAIy1tcx6N7P
8964 copyright protection443PENANARz43ksUZRx 維尼
這是一場遇見、不負遇見的故事。8964 copyright protection443PENANAeLtyY8f4PG 維尼
447Please respect copyright.PENANAHRWUTCXZ6c
447Please respect copyright.PENANAA5ARMAEutH
447Please respect copyright.PENANAt4SRNHcshO
8964 copyright protection443PENANAUwDAdSzqtc 維尼
「雖然不知道發生了什麼,但願早日雨過天晴。」8964 copyright protection443PENANAWKNj3jxXbt 維尼
447Please respect copyright.PENANAhhnrRZHJ1w
8964 copyright protection443PENANAsMO36Dr22Q 維尼
-摘錄自《雨過天晴》上篇貼文page78964 copyright protection443PENANAGiCQCVy4m5 維尼
447Please respect copyright.PENANANce97WL8Q5
447Please respect copyright.PENANAKjbtw4kaC7
8964 copyright protection443PENANAG7VovYPiQD 維尼
|作者文筆特色8964 copyright protection443PENANALvi6bguERw 維尼
447Please respect copyright.PENANAEpzkX18VTx
8964 copyright protection443PENANASXVHJe4ueZ 維尼
作者善用意象、象徵,故事全篇角色情緒與帶入感都表現的不錯,雨過天晴的意境貫徹始終。8964 copyright protection443PENANAqDGk1u8DHm 維尼
447Please respect copyright.PENANAHCtzQp3S8I
8964 copyright protection443PENANA2gQLZ8QYmT 維尼
在作者的筆下,雖然不知道導致主人公如此的起因,但卻也可以清晰地感覺到顧綵的糾結,以及「渴望雨過放晴」。8964 copyright protection443PENANAaiZ8gkyE2K 維尼
447Please respect copyright.PENANAqNthPtm5OQ
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就像我前面說的作者善用意象、象徵,故而使得筆下的故事充滿著文藝感,讀者閱讀時也會感受到作者對於文字塑造的美感。8964 copyright protection443PENANAnFTr7vWYkI 維尼
447Please respect copyright.PENANAZMPTAl8COG
8964 copyright protection443PENANANw7YZmo995 維尼
作者的筆風是比較像是輕文學(不是輕小說),能輕鬆閱讀且引人回味、稍稍感慨。8964 copyright protection443PENANALlhWYAVeUz 維尼
447Please respect copyright.PENANAMikOa6AsD2
8964 copyright protection443PENANA4l63trZBV8 維尼
多次的時間切換中卻不會讓讀者混亂,小說節奏掌握的極佳,是一篇完整度頗高的極短篇。8964 copyright protection443PENANAss0Bs20Xn0 維尼
447Please respect copyright.PENANAVV3h8aZ4YZ
447Please respect copyright.PENANAan0J3Inm3G
8964 copyright protection443PENANACYPpRvcY7p 維尼
|故事起頭:落筆方向性明確,不過仍有些可以改進的地方8964 copyright protection443PENANAIpl1XQGrfZ 維尼
447Please respect copyright.PENANAn7m6ptz26x
8964 copyright protection443PENANAEC7HAEM2Sa 維尼
極短篇的篇幅如其名「極短」,所以下筆時最忌諱沒有方向性,不知所云、讓人感到迷惘。不過作者落筆的方向性十分明確,她很清楚的知道自己要往哪裡施力。8964 copyright protection443PENANAUdNhUxlrkY 維尼
447Please respect copyright.PENANAH1VmT4Bel6
8964 copyright protection443PENANAnQD71RAixf 維尼
第一次看過去的時候我認為,其作品本身的可讀性是高的,是屬於那種可以輕鬆閱讀的行文(這是優點),但我在第二次細讀的時候卻好像總覺得沒有到很通順。8964 copyright protection443PENANA2jXPDbgOgn 維尼
447Please respect copyright.PENANAN1RLdIpOg1
8964 copyright protection443PENANAOl9KvLXqtC 維尼
第三次閱覽的時候我愣然發現其實是作者的筆墨不夠俐落,假若作者可以改進這個問題,文章流暢感會更上一層樓。8964 copyright protection443PENANAkf0K3gD6FD 維尼
447Please respect copyright.PENANAWYNUzePQcT
8964 copyright protection443PENANA1rOT46Hd36 維尼
雖說接下來的內容也許我會被認為是在雞蛋裡挑骨頭,但這都說我基於作者在極短篇的程度早已脫離初學者的範疇所給出有點吹毛求疵的見解。8964 copyright protection443PENANAG1AcD2SxoD 維尼
-8964 copyright protection443PENANAj9SBwO2FHV 維尼
447Please respect copyright.PENANA1qRr5AgGAK
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#摘錄自《雨過天晴》上篇貼文page28964 copyright protection443PENANAo8SsasD8L4 維尼
447Please respect copyright.PENANA50LpxidQ2n
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「我只是覺得,有些心煩事,不畫下來,似乎就會永遠停駐在心上,但常常,反而越畫越悶。」少女坐在畫布前,淡藍制服上衣上繡著學號,下身搭配深色及膝裙,然而,這身洋溢著青春氣息的裝扮,卻被憂鬱到欲哭的神情襯得沉重。8964 copyright protection443PENANA3piCQNSncD 維尼
447Please respect copyright.PENANAu3wmrkqLSX
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「那麼,畫些能讓你開心的吧。」少年移動腳步,又往她挨近了些,眉宇間夾帶藏不住的溫情,他拉住少女的右手,柔和的引導,先沾點橘黃,在一片灰濛的景色中,添上一顆,閃閃發亮的太陽。8964 copyright protection443PENANAbP64TdlgX8 維尼
447Please respect copyright.PENANAsNYuzeRTNp
8964 copyright protection443PENANAIWePedB7a5 維尼
「畫顆太陽,不是就能雨過天晴了嗎?」 周煦,如太陽般的少年,牽動唇,輕哂道。8964 copyright protection443PENANA0oJU0yrs9O 維尼
447Please respect copyright.PENANAjjBt17G0aJ
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447Please respect copyright.PENANA5S78na7ncO
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(i) 第一句主人公說話時,不斷使用逗號的斷句讓這句對話讀起來的割裂感太重了。8964 copyright protection443PENANAMgjiqyjdfN 維尼
447Please respect copyright.PENANA1VDZbAltZw
8964 copyright protection443PENANAdf37oMGVON 維尼
(ii) 文中「又往她挨近了些」的「又」在此使用不合理。8964 copyright protection443PENANAPvethWPK4a 維尼
447Please respect copyright.PENANAyvyoWaBhXZ
8964 copyright protection443PENANAnF1oh1uUll 維尼
(iii) 文中「移動腳步,又往她挨近了些」也存在邏輯錯誤,既是「移動腳步」就是一段距離,而「挨近了些」是非常小段的距離,並不需要移動腳步。8964 copyright protection443PENANAJZ0QEoc95E 維尼
447Please respect copyright.PENANA8YQpmHL6It
8964 copyright protection443PENANA4zGM7bkkpz 維尼
以下是我順過的內容僅供參考:8964 copyright protection443PENANAfPLthASqzP 維尼
447Please respect copyright.PENANAm8ArGnPBoc
8964 copyright protection443PENANAeNoKQXoXmB 維尼
「我覺得有些心煩事不畫出來,似乎就會永遠停駐在心上,但畫了下來卻總越畫越悶。」少女坐在畫布前,一身洋溢青春氣息的制服與百摺校裙卻被她憂鬱低落的神情襯得沉重。8964 copyright protection443PENANAeTXNHzCZ3V 維尼
447Please respect copyright.PENANAftiICw6vqC
8964 copyright protection443PENANAZKYyej3vLa 維尼
「為什麼不畫點開心的事呢?」少年輕笑,往她挨近些。眉宇間有著藏不住的溫情,拉住少女握住畫筆的手。8964 copyright protection443PENANAdO87nXL1wV 維尼
447Please respect copyright.PENANAaB2yvGbmCw
8964 copyright protection443PENANAd5EsP2Eget 維尼
在一片灰濛的色調中,點上一顆,足以掃去細雨陰霾的太陽。8964 copyright protection443PENANAYYR1J3d6Ap 維尼
447Please respect copyright.PENANAtZhbRrhp8N
8964 copyright protection443PENANAyFC4EZpxRr 維尼
「畫顆太陽,不是就能雨過天晴了嗎?」 周煦,如太陽般的少年,牽動唇,輕哂道。8964 copyright protection443PENANALTZYjoJtdI 維尼
447Please respect copyright.PENANASnDS03cVYL
8964 copyright protection443PENANAwe0ZOLGo8D 維尼
我的想法:8964 copyright protection443PENANAhkFdcKFWgv 維尼
447Please respect copyright.PENANAQiJR7RLMZM
8964 copyright protection443PENANAJdM00upthk 維尼
不合理的斷句是我也會犯的錯誤(此處不合理指的是現實中不會有這樣的對白斷句),有時候會因為想要強調,或者說覺得這樣斷句會有文學上的美感,但時常帶入情境後會發現這樣的手法並不是很恰當,會造成讀者在閱讀中的不通順感。8964 copyright protection443PENANAtvq6XSqOXx 維尼
447Please respect copyright.PENANAKEAwrIKU0P
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我覺得無論是怎樣長度篇幅的文章,用字下的精確都是可以讓筆墨更上一層樓的關鍵8964 copyright protection443PENANANjVkw5kPPo 維尼
447Please respect copyright.PENANAi1prtw3BAF
8964 copyright protection443PENANAREQvPmbbfc 維尼
-8964 copyright protection443PENANAKsP22wVWVo 維尼
447Please respect copyright.PENANAX23h6kXDIB
8964 copyright protection443PENANAQ71kId9bPX 維尼
在一片灰濛的景色中,添上一顆,閃閃發亮的太陽。8964 copyright protection443PENANAsinWvCFZS1 維尼
>>8964 copyright protection443PENANAz8ouio23sh 維尼
在一片灰濛的色調中,點上一顆,足以掃去細雨陰霾的太陽。8964 copyright protection443PENANAxLFgvIfLzY 維尼
447Please respect copyright.PENANAbM6iKQ6SEd
8964 copyright protection443PENANAP8LZfpPn09 維尼
上面是作者的原文內容,下面是若是我來執筆會寫的句子。8964 copyright protection443PENANAxpKZXsVomf 維尼
447Please respect copyright.PENANAe9X9suFfcl
8964 copyright protection443PENANAIHZd7PvfyR 維尼
沒有說誰寫的比較好,這段我只是多提供一個另外一種的版本,算是一種交流。8964 copyright protection443PENANAuv7n5XFZzL 維尼
447Please respect copyright.PENANAD18fWNoszD
8964 copyright protection443PENANAetKQ3vaAVQ 維尼
作者的筆法強調的是周旭如陽的耀眼,而我是參考作者在文內所提供的「雨過天晴」的意境。8964 copyright protection443PENANATOmuelug7f 維尼
447Please respect copyright.PENANAYZj7fMPp5o
8964 copyright protection443PENANAES5SQh3mm6 維尼
-8964 copyright protection443PENANAiPD0aiZVb9 維尼
447Please respect copyright.PENANA2jEmJc7jHg
8964 copyright protection443PENANAG5lZq2E9YG 維尼
「畫顆太陽,不是就能雨過天晴了嗎?」 周煦,如太陽般的少年,牽動唇,輕哂道。8964 copyright protection443PENANA0xId1AkNOx 維尼
447Please respect copyright.PENANAKwb7fjZb6w
8964 copyright protection443PENANAebaNin0Ymt 維尼
我認為第一頁以這一段結尾非常好「『畫顆太陽,不是就能雨過天晴了嗎?』」 這一句有足夠的份量作為這一段的收尾。8964 copyright protection443PENANAHkRQbJdheJ 維尼
447Please respect copyright.PENANAChC1nBkBcA
447Please respect copyright.PENANAfuAYcfuOHp
8964 copyright protection443PENANA9Fqhr4LXy8 維尼
|上篇page3,4 過渡區平穩發揮,轉折張力的氣氛描寫佳8964 copyright protection443PENANApynjnmsRBS 維尼
447Please respect copyright.PENANAY204d1XdIB
8964 copyright protection443PENANAETN3mwdPLr 維尼
我很喜歡文中的「又得,一個人了嗎?」這段,雖然說我仍舊認為此段的逗號讓這句無力感的悲慟變得有些不乾脆,不過此處的割裂感就沒有那麼強了,反倒是作者在這裡的映襯手法深得我心。8964 copyright protection443PENANAuh6Ak3GDVx 維尼
447Please respect copyright.PENANAmhlgLnWdY8
8964 copyright protection443PENANAA0qgAETV68 維尼
老舊木門、桌椅散亂、顏料款式眾多卻紛雜不已、被丟得胡亂的畫布……一直到「會來此作畫的,可能就只有她了吧。」作者用了這些元素來烘托出主人公的落寂感。8964 copyright protection443PENANALvOKdOsBmI 維尼
447Please respect copyright.PENANAXYoawhdUvj
8964 copyright protection443PENANAxcNbqbrve6 維尼
另外,在我反覆閱讀此段的時候,我赫然發現作者在描寫顧綵進入五樓美術教室時,運鏡表現的超級合理───8964 copyright protection443PENANA1j0YW9z5Cm 維尼
447Please respect copyright.PENANAnRYb1QKIrT
8964 copyright protection443PENANAlwPHNzWFLw 維尼
首先我們打開一間房間(教室)的時候,反射性的都是先看這個空間中間的部分(美術教室中間通常是桌椅,這邊不討論門一打開是講桌的特例),再來是看見周邊的櫃子,最後才會看到旁邊的地板與門邊。8964 copyright protection443PENANACcc5Z18Yxl 維尼
447Please respect copyright.PENANAZR6IIhgsPP
8964 copyright protection443PENANAqktLMRxm9d 維尼
魔鬼藏在細節裡啊!8964 copyright protection443PENANAZOsvbYYvTr 維尼
447Please respect copyright.PENANAPu5qOxK81O
447Please respect copyright.PENANAAbbYBiYitX
8964 copyright protection443PENANARmijjnEMHf 維尼
|理所當然的話語,卻有濃厚的「救贖感」8964 copyright protection443PENANAmXz2IGvWAF 維尼
447Please respect copyright.PENANAdgYrzOY6dG
8964 copyright protection443PENANAuQ4pgRpg4s 維尼
#摘錄自《雨過天晴》上篇貼文page68964 copyright protection443PENANAuEXq1cc7UE 維尼
447Please respect copyright.PENANAWGZV3y6TuS
8964 copyright protection443PENANAGDFuug2R0A 維尼
「不會有永遠下不完的雨。」8964 copyright protection443PENANAQzJXN8GYT9 維尼
447Please respect copyright.PENANAPN02LyQoEL
8964 copyright protection443PENANAJhb7phElEv 維尼
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我認為一句理所當然的話語,在不同的情境下,其所有的份量想必也是不同的吧。8964 copyright protection443PENANA9stwIkv9Mq 維尼
447Please respect copyright.PENANA0CRW77sTcI
447Please respect copyright.PENANAUyTOPHIErv
8964 copyright protection443PENANAk3weFzWKVw 維尼
|收尾:極短篇永遠的短版8964 copyright protection443PENANA6q2siltwAY 維尼
447Please respect copyright.PENANAaM7jUPmKR0
8964 copyright protection443PENANAgI6AXA9hjP 維尼
每當我看極短篇的時候,看到結尾時其實我心裡都是掙扎的,因為結局比起其他篇幅的故事,極短篇通常都是在開頭的時候都註定好的。8964 copyright protection443PENANAIrEYo4VaPK 維尼
447Please respect copyright.PENANAtbC8BqorzG
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大概就是讀者們早就知道作者會如何讓這個故事點下句點,對於結局的感想總是會格外苛刻。8964 copyright protection443PENANAvFl1csJbNu 維尼
447Please respect copyright.PENANAQUW4vRXUHF
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而這篇《雨過天晴》在收尾的部分並沒有犯什麼錯,不過我也必須要老實說,在收尾的這個階段也著實沒有什麼亮點。8964 copyright protection443PENANAy0V6GYR9v1 維尼
447Please respect copyright.PENANAw1hVAy7pdN
8964 copyright protection443PENANAJr0CSmvQpQ 維尼
但顧綵也已經知道,時雨爾後就是天晴。8964 copyright protection443PENANABILxzKW2IR 維尼
447Please respect copyright.PENANA3YnCWIEOgN
8964 copyright protection443PENANAO42Poks5BJ 維尼
我想寫到這裡,無論是作者本人,還是任何讀者又或是在寫著這篇評文的我,都已經滿足了。8964 copyright protection443PENANAeLkH3xA14w 維尼
447Please respect copyright.PENANAfz71ufK1NI
8964 copyright protection443PENANALpOgGUe1fZ 維尼
|格外想提出的小問題8964 copyright protection443PENANAz88v1A7hrk 維尼
447Please respect copyright.PENANAMcgMFcqOoE
8964 copyright protection443PENANApGpFWaCjBq 維尼
(i) 句號不一定要打在一段句子的最後面,段落中也可以有句號8964 copyright protection443PENANA2DxsyJ7UTH 維尼
447Please respect copyright.PENANAxawzfmrNYE
8964 copyright protection443PENANA2MT0fRNTxk 維尼
(ii) 有時有冗言贅字,寫完故事的時候可以從頭到尾、一個一個字來看通不通順8964 copyright protection443PENANAjxyhXIx5M8 維尼
447Please respect copyright.PENANAOd2qpc2PzG
8964 copyright protection443PENANAtnanfVKUG2 維尼
(iii) 番外篇周旭與母親的處理上略顯含糊,不過因為是番外所以此問題可略。8964 copyright protection443PENANAxHVfCswohr 維尼
447Please respect copyright.PENANA5tAEzkaFff
447Please respect copyright.PENANA87sb7jbJL9
8964 copyright protection443PENANA2R9FcYO1FX 維尼
|我的個人心得8964 copyright protection443PENANA6UEHOUOfX7 維尼
447Please respect copyright.PENANAliiboRinWm
8964 copyright protection443PENANAv4EmovwaaX 維尼
首先萬分感謝凌語給我這個幫她所撰寫的《雨過天晴》評文的機會。8964 copyright protection443PENANApfmngQKfU9 維尼
447Please respect copyright.PENANAR2AOTLSZaQ
8964 copyright protection443PENANApKBeAYYxEK 維尼
極短篇其實算是我的弱項,在限定的字數內完成作品,對於作者在節奏感的掌握是必要的,我覺得我來寫極短篇的話或許完整度比不上凌語就是了。8964 copyright protection443PENANAzUU7epnn8t 維尼
447Please respect copyright.PENANA3riPttkFkf
8964 copyright protection443PENANAtND0lVylEr 維尼
這是我撰寫的第二次評文,相比第一次我已經沒有那麼的不知所措,雖然還是覺得自己的評文還是好凌亂(笑8964 copyright protection443PENANAOpKub9UCST 維尼
447Please respect copyright.PENANA7LZ07WwUqV
8964 copyright protection443PENANA6gqa1oYLBI 維尼
所以我依舊是在如何寫出一篇「好的」評文的修行路上,希望自己寫的東西可以幫助到作者們就好了。8964 copyright protection443PENANADDImgVIc7H 維尼
447Please respect copyright.PENANA7Bpu9Vla3v
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歡迎曾經被我評文過得創作者們繼續跟我討論,也歡迎大家來找我評文。8964 copyright protection443PENANAbu2Qx0KjdL 維尼
447Please respect copyright.PENANAkcyZfvwLue
8964 copyright protection443PENANAh19dBwCd8I 維尼
我所寫的評文之後都會放在penana公開,巴哈的部分未來有可能也會貼過去。8964 copyright protection443PENANAbFCGU0HiU1 維尼
447Please respect copyright.PENANAjar8TyPQG7
8964 copyright protection443PENANAbiTRGCmu8l 維尼
題外話:在打這篇評文的時候我剛好在聽天氣之子的ost,我覺得好配這首歌啊!8964 copyright protection443PENANAfpQ5I19jVZ 維尼
447Please respect copyright.PENANAVVfE5YUlkE
8964 copyright protection443PENANAlXu9voeK5I 維尼
447Please respect copyright.PENANAqhxtiYuWmg
8964 copyright protection443PENANA95O6fIuJ9v 維尼
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