我問小女孩為何不回家,入黑後獨個兒待在小公園很危險。她微笑,說在等爸爸,而且自己有亞歴山大陪伴,不會遭遇危險。我順著她手指方向望去,的確有一隻白色大型犬隻在不遠處。奇怪,怎麼我走入小公園範圍時毫不察覺牠存在?355Please respect copyright.PENANAXoAzzok8Sv
355Please respect copyright.PENANA9uLGOcEvGm
「大哥哥,你人真好!」小女孩笑意不減,眼神卻莫名添增幾分寂寞。355Please respect copyright.PENANAvTGHRXVIc2
355Please respect copyright.PENANAQBzdTCAbTb
「保護弱小,是做人的基本原則。」我望望手錶,將近節慶活動開始時間,家人正現場等我。「你爸爸有提及何時回來嗎?」355Please respect copyright.PENANA8zkuEJu8UF
355Please respect copyright.PENANAGwAW1bNMuy
「無。他只留下亞歷山大陪我,然後跑走了。」小女孩招來亞歷山大,撫掃牠,環抱牠。355Please respect copyright.PENANAbEY3I0mlbg
355Please respect copyright.PENANA8efcFalvC4
我撥動手提電話的指尖瞬間凝住:難道這是一宗遺棄兒童罪案?我多問細節,看自己是否有誤會。「你在這裡待了多長時間?」355Please respect copyright.PENANAL3Oaff8U4U
355Please respect copyright.PENANATax1a4viDr
「不知道。感覺很久很久……」她驀地抬頭,狀甚吃驚,似乎意識到甚麼可怕事情。355Please respect copyright.PENANAC3svhH6coF
355Please respect copyright.PENANALJtVQTJE8k
「不用怕。你爸爸定會回來。因為這裡有乖巧的亞歷山大和可愛的你!」我連聲安慰,內心越益不安,匆匆發送訊息予家人交代事情和致電報警。警方說會派員調查,要我倆待在原地稍候,預計二十分鐘後到達。355Please respect copyright.PENANA7HQnqeYULm
355Please respect copyright.PENANAChwnCSdx3F
換是平日,我必定會對「二十分鐘」這個答覆表達強烈不滿。但今日是平安夜,小鎮大部分居民集中在鎮中廣場參與節慶活動。主要警力被調派至廣場維持秩序(過往經常出現醉酒生事鬧劇),僅有為數不多的警員負責巡邏。所以我不得不接受「二十分鐘」這個答案。355Please respect copyright.PENANAJlK3tuLXBY
355Please respect copyright.PENANAvyYEGChP96
我與小女孩坐在樹下長椅聊天說笑。見她被逗得哈哈大笑,我突然覺得這是最好的聖誕禮物。我問她有何聖誕願望。她想了想,突然跑向鞦韆:「大哥哥,來玩吧。」355Please respect copyright.PENANAwjsZtCJcMB
355Please respect copyright.PENANAazHyozePRs
我為她盪鞦韆,她邊笑邊唱聖誕歌,知性的亞歷山大在旁輕吠助慶。355Please respect copyright.PENANA3Ext0M4zlu
355Please respect copyright.PENANAokMo0WaHEr
「大哥哥,我真希望你是我的親人!」小女孩童言無忌,無視人世法則。355Please respect copyright.PENANAjkC8E5Ybah
355Please respect copyright.PENANAeE7dyBuzkU
「乖!」作為一個成年人,我當然知道那不可能,只好交出隱晦又得體的回應,心底裡甚喜歡這天真活潑的孩子。355Please respect copyright.PENANASNqNitlTRF
355Please respect copyright.PENANAdzDu9A4qrG
時間悄然流逝,兩串雜亂腳步聲進入小公園,往我們走來。355Please respect copyright.PENANAlhgx3orcWE
355Please respect copyright.PENANAXlRCwp725U
是警員和我爸。355Please respect copyright.PENANAItpi3nyWuo
355Please respect copyright.PENANAzbCEerlpQm
我停住鞦韆,打算上前向警員講解情況,誰料小女孩和亞歷山大竟激動齊齊跑向二人。355Please respect copyright.PENANAdqlifSMFnq
355Please respect copyright.PENANAbZoX6OT2ld
「爸爸!我們在這裡!妮娜和亞歷山大在這裡!」她們邊跑邊哭,身體漸變通透,化作細碎光點圍繞我爸兜轉幾圈,最後飛昇上天,消失於夜空。355Please respect copyright.PENANAmx7gQp3I3n
355Please respect copyright.PENANASsMbG87lR5
我目瞪口呆,直至警員和我爸與我僅有三步之距。警員問我小女孩去向,我稍定心神,整理思緒,謊稱她父母已前來帶走她,我獨自留下來向警方交代。警員未有多加查問,草草了事。355Please respect copyright.PENANALlZd98g3ln
355Please respect copyright.PENANALpcS74YLed
我和爸爸急步前往鎮中廣場,希望能趕上煙火表演。奈何我心思苦苦糾結於小女孩和她的寵物犬。我偷瞥爸爸神情,見他心不在焉,目光散漫,垂頭望著腳尖走路。355Please respect copyright.PENANAaXveu6lGU7
355Please respect copyright.PENANA0TgpR490zu
「爸爸,你認識名為妮娜的小女孩和名為亞歷山大的寵物犬嗎?」我忍不住問。355Please respect copyright.PENANAvaI0tpV0RN
355Please respect copyright.PENANAUQHKwQSRwV
爸爸停下腳步,僵住,沒有轉頭望我。我走到他面前,直視他雙眼,再問:「爸爸,你認識名為妮娜的小女孩和名為亞歷山大的寵物犬嗎?」355Please respect copyright.PENANAAKj3ljDNSw
355Please respect copyright.PENANAgjDTfJmD6q
爸爸眼眶瞬間發紅,面容扭曲,眼淚暴瀉。355Please respect copyright.PENANAi4AgYc4lRg
我剛成年時候與比我小三歲的女鄰居偷嚐禁果。後來她懷孕,我帶著她私奔至這小鎮。她在家產下女嬰半年後離家出走,從此杳無音訊,剩下我獨個兒養活女兒——也就是妮娜。355Please respect copyright.PENANAjTC620yKkp
355Please respect copyright.PENANAoA4XTRfonb
我不是好爸爸。為免自己「與未成年少女發生性行為」罪行曝光,我不曾讓外界任何人知道她存在。即使她生病,我只買成藥給她服用。355Please respect copyright.PENANAWhrA2ryRzi
355Please respect copyright.PENANAeEWLesDaVB
妮娜天真活潑可愛。每次我下班回家,她就黏著我不願放手,嚷著要我抱,要我一起玩耍。我實在累得不行,經常在玩耍期間直接昏睡。醒來的時候,總會發現一張被單覆蓋在身上,懷中就是妮娜的安睡小臉。355Please respect copyright.PENANAfcm1Go09vv
355Please respect copyright.PENANALRDwydR0O4
我知道妮娜愛我。355Please respect copyright.PENANAqKEHYzy2EQ
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某天下班回家後,發現妮娜不在住所。我待至夜深,穿上黑衣黑褲,在陰沉夜色保護下搜索周邊範圍。最終在小社區後的荒地長草叢發現妮娜,當時她在一隻骯髒白色長毛大狗懷中睡著。大狗十分機警,沒有胡亂吠叫,目不轉睛盯著我,以防我進一步接近。355Please respect copyright.PENANA305bf6691O
355Please respect copyright.PENANAIId8WCQ9KS
「妮娜,爸爸回來啦!妮娜!」既然無法接近,我唯有連聲輕喚妮娜,要她主動過來。355Please respect copyright.PENANAoP3dJP2LGP
355Please respect copyright.PENANA0N0va8QU0n
妮娜醒來,頭也不回直奔我懷中,向我介紹大狗:「牠是亞歷山大。」355Please respect copyright.PENANAbSeLtHMxdY
355Please respect copyright.PENANA6vKZd6dtMP
「你怎會知道牠的名字?」我一邊查看妮娜身上有沒有傷口,一邊警惕笑問,擔心牠是不知哪戶人家的寵物。355Please respect copyright.PENANA2brWYD0V95
355Please respect copyright.PENANAkleF986rfl
「我望入牠眼睛時候就知道!」妮娜果斷、自信,彷彿那是不容置疑的真相。355Please respect copyright.PENANAvXKNd7tIZF
355Please respect copyright.PENANAO1swWMFR15
我抱起妮娜跑回家,大狗沒有跟上來。以為事情告一段落,誰料幾日後妮娜再次失蹤。我憶起妮娜當晚回家後曾告訴我擅離居所的原因——她看見鄰家孩子們在外玩耍,感覺羨慕。355Please respect copyright.PENANAvt0qP3r0WG
355Please respect copyright.PENANAT38RW20mIP
我待至夜深後趕去荒地,看見妮娜和大狗一起玩耍。我瞬間明白自己實在錯得離譜。我收養大狗,取名「亞歷山大」。牠很乖巧,不亂吠,不會驚動鄰居,甚至能夠滋潤妮娜的寂寞內心。355Please respect copyright.PENANAMw2A21JAVD
355Please respect copyright.PENANAIsHR3ID6bk
日子過得溫馨幸福,直至妮娜八歲那年平安夜,她在我懷中因病逝世。355Please respect copyright.PENANAPYWpuzqKmY
355Please respect copyright.PENANACSsJqGeOJB
夜深,我帶著妮娜的屍體和工具前往荒地,掘坑埋屍。我把妮娜安放坑內,準備開始填土的時候,亞歷山大竟突然從長草叢中冒出來,跳入坑內。我命令牠返回地面。牠聽而不聞,俯伏妮娜身邊,微微仰首回望,眼有憂思。我頓時明白牠心意,揮鏟填土。355Please respect copyright.PENANAQJefoPhJOv
355Please respect copyright.PENANAaJgkHG5s8p
我返抵家門之時將近天明,細雪在晦暗不明的天色下緩緩降落。抬頭放眼望去,一切盡是瘀白、灰藍、粉橘融和卻彆扭的配搭,曖昧氣氛令我感到無比壓抑。355Please respect copyright.PENANA1Wf0XNaUc2
355Please respect copyright.PENANADSey379bSA
鄰居開門外出,與我打招呼:「聖誕快樂。」355Please respect copyright.PENANA7mCgvNKlKd
355Please respect copyright.PENANADmcKBwdOzR
我驀地憶起今天是聖誕,一個歡樂幸福的節日。355Please respect copyright.PENANAh2PItzmwsZ
「你愛妮娜嗎?」355Please respect copyright.PENANADX141lYzXJ
355Please respect copyright.PENANA2pvMp0V0xF
「我……我不知道。」355Please respect copyright.PENANA1k2iFzWOXd
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「我知道你永遠不會知道。」我留下一聲譏笑,轉身獨自回家。355Please respect copyright.PENANAeTeDkVgnvv
355Please respect copyright.PENANAIZ7csyyMM5
我該如何形容此刻心情?像無數混集一起的彩色砂子,能被確切握在手中,卻無法被塑造出任何形式狀。是無限的配搭,也是有限的零。爸爸的過錯是毋庸置疑——他剝奪妮娜的人生。355Please respect copyright.PENANAQv7vQyPxos
355Please respect copyright.PENANAVts7QwBMei
在妮娜眼中,他是個值得愛的好爸爸,所以她死後才會義無反顧選擇不見盡頭的等待。她不曾體驗正常生活,不知道屋外世界比想像中更遼闊,未有思考自身遭遇是否合理。妮娜愛他是因為無知。355Please respect copyright.PENANAuS24cLtlFW
355Please respect copyright.PENANAFDv0eW0nOC
我呢?童年的我與一般孩子差不多,會期待跟下班的爸爸相處;少年的我與同齡人差不多,會為無法宣之於口的煩惱感到羞恥;成年的我與爸爸差不多,只想盡量擁有獨處時間。我以為一切都是自然而必然,未曾思考當中有沒有愛,直至我知道妮娜的故事。355Please respect copyright.PENANADNGoXQNU3S
355Please respect copyright.PENANAjzWGY3tJjV
翌日,十二月二十五日,聖誕節,也是妮娜死忌。我沒閒情逸致享用早餐,幾句敷衍母親後離家前往小公園。細雪在晦暗不明的天色下緩緩降落。抬頭放眼望去,一切盡是瘀白、灰藍、粉橘融和卻彆扭的配搭,曖昧氣氛令我感到無比壓抑。355Please respect copyright.PENANAhj8nDheES8
355Please respect copyright.PENANAeYWtZzkBUg
小公園大部分面積被水泥覆蓋,僅餘長椅後種樹位置有野草生長的空隙。我在樹下驚訝發現兩朵隨風搖曳的小白花。已連續幾星期下雪,怎麼可能會有未被凍死的植物?每天有管理員前來清理野草和積雪,它們怎麼可能逃過被拔除的命運?355Please respect copyright.PENANAKmL6igDvgn
355Please respect copyright.PENANAJB3CPSkEKv
又一陣風吹過,兩朵小白花柔弱飄搖。355Please respect copyright.PENANAMQV3eYMEGt
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我靈光一閃——除非它們是昨晚與今早之間冒出來。355Please respect copyright.PENANArDaSzAmr3P
355Please respect copyright.PENANAkoLDjpBDP6
「妮娜?阿歷山大?」我對號入座,匆匆到最近的商店買花盆和小鏟子,將兩朵小白花帶回家。355Please respect copyright.PENANAXFXLwUxdbs
355Please respect copyright.PENANAOEVhHmnotw
「咦?不是說去朋友家度聖誕嗎?怎麼捧著盆栽回來?」媽媽注意到我手中物品。355Please respect copyright.PENANADFB9qtE1Ss
355Please respect copyright.PENANAGiT19Gkphv
「我路過小公園時看見兩朵小白花在寒風中孤獨地面對一切,感覺可憐,所以把它們帶回家。」我似在回答媽媽,實則告訴在媽媽身邊看書的爸爸。他翻書頁的手短暫一頓,笨拙地嘗試隱藏心事。355Please respect copyright.PENANA37E45kY6p2
355Please respect copyright.PENANAC2WPMusWuz
睡房裡,我將盆栽放到窗邊書枱上,希望妮娜可以看見窗外遼闊世界,知道爸爸不是,放下對他執念。355Please respect copyright.PENANAM9xHENTmZ9
355Please respect copyright.PENANA5YyfvYIccc
夜,有人敲門,來者是爸爸。他小心翼翼關門,給我兩塊用透明塑料袋包裝的薑餅人。「妮娜生前最喜歡的聖誕食物是薑餅人。」355Please respect copyright.PENANAKnErA3WQ7K
355Please respect copyright.PENANANhrUZHrFRO
我猶豫,不知該否接下——我認為爸爸假惺惺,但我知道妮娜會喜歡。355Please respect copyright.PENANAJGcvdqoEja
355Please respect copyright.PENANAyI4RMiFk8T
「你愛妮娜嗎?」相比我的感受,事件主角妮娜更重要。355Please respect copyright.PENANAlxrzReYb2H
355Please respect copyright.PENANAhsdDvH73vN
「我不知道。」爸爸的答案仍舊令我失望。我不是要他「肯定」或「否定」,而是交出確切答案。有人因他丟命,怎能如此含混不清,糊里糊塗?355Please respect copyright.PENANASbK7aG5gv6
355Please respect copyright.PENANAj54iRrP1cc
抑或……他本來就是一個糊塗的人?糊塗令鄰家女孩懷孕生產,以糊塗方式養育妮娜,最後糊塗害死妮娜。如今糊塗與現任妻子結婚,糊塗成為我爸,以糊塗方式養育我……355Please respect copyright.PENANA4cIhxSfPw1
355Please respect copyright.PENANAxpjaxMGlQO
面對不爭氣的爸爸,我終於明白自己為何執著——我往後該要如何相信爸爸真心愛我和我媽?355Please respect copyright.PENANA6HsZwG2eGT
355Please respect copyright.PENANAf0uAzjkGq0
「你愛我嗎?」我忍不住問,卻害怕他交出任何確切答案——那肯定是謊言。355Please respect copyright.PENANAK6XT7t0Apf
355Please respect copyright.PENANANqJ1OTGCGp
沒料到爸爸眼神竟生起微妙變化,真摯、堅定、洶湧:「我不知道……」355Please respect copyright.PENANAnm7yK18fwL
355Please respect copyright.PENANArSHAMtYT3i
我故意木無表情,接過他遞來的薑餅人,放到盆栽旁邊。矛盾舉動令他無法知道我心所思。愛或討厭?原諒或憎恨?355Please respect copyright.PENANAcIBzYnhQaT
355Please respect copyright.PENANAjOhbiFpbPm
他欲言又止。我自小見過這表情無數次。他想好好推進事情,又擔心自己沒能掌控意料之外的變化。355Please respect copyright.PENANAwNAfEn4pIn
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我討厭這樣的爸爸。355Please respect copyright.PENANAaOfHUGl7WR
355Please respect copyright.PENANAekmSiZ32Ag
待他離開後,我對妮娜和亞歷山大說:「對我,他未曾思考當中有沒有愛,因為一切都是自然而必然。對你們,他同樣未曾思考當中有沒有愛,因為一切都是突然卻必然。355Please respect copyright.PENANABrgmZJYe7J
355Please respect copyright.PENANAxMMv6kA9m8
不過以上統統不重要。最要緊的是你們可以見到深愛的爸爸,我可以繼續鄙視和戲弄糊塗又膽怯的他。355Please respect copyright.PENANAgclnn5PvyT
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無視現實和真相。各取所需。355Please respect copyright.PENANAPX8hIDYAje
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自己的心最重要。」355Please respect copyright.PENANAymhXBElHkn