我問小女孩為何不回家,入黑後獨個兒待在小公園很危險。她微笑,說在等爸爸,而且自己有亞歴山大陪伴,不會遭遇危險。我順著她手指方向望去,的確有一隻白色大型犬隻在不遠處。奇怪,怎麼我走入小公園範圍時毫不察覺牠存在?437Please respect copyright.PENANACfCoSerJLv
437Please respect copyright.PENANAO0V88FKpuo
「大哥哥,你人真好!」小女孩笑意不減,眼神卻莫名添增幾分寂寞。437Please respect copyright.PENANAuNgW9zxgjH
437Please respect copyright.PENANAJwJRwT46at
「保護弱小,是做人的基本原則。」我望望手錶,將近節慶活動開始時間,家人正現場等我。「你爸爸有提及何時回來嗎?」437Please respect copyright.PENANALwaeDYUMzZ
437Please respect copyright.PENANA5u7R9vm7U4
「無。他只留下亞歷山大陪我,然後跑走了。」小女孩招來亞歷山大,撫掃牠,環抱牠。437Please respect copyright.PENANA9oSbHf4hV5
437Please respect copyright.PENANA8sChI3OHho
我撥動手提電話的指尖瞬間凝住:難道這是一宗遺棄兒童罪案?我多問細節,看自己是否有誤會。「你在這裡待了多長時間?」437Please respect copyright.PENANAp0jGm8NGTh
437Please respect copyright.PENANAmG29NA4CrI
「不知道。感覺很久很久……」她驀地抬頭,狀甚吃驚,似乎意識到甚麼可怕事情。437Please respect copyright.PENANAMo63KpMn1R
437Please respect copyright.PENANAma3kMypKzt
「不用怕。你爸爸定會回來。因為這裡有乖巧的亞歷山大和可愛的你!」我連聲安慰,內心越益不安,匆匆發送訊息予家人交代事情和致電報警。警方說會派員調查,要我倆待在原地稍候,預計二十分鐘後到達。437Please respect copyright.PENANAZJIqzVvNt4
437Please respect copyright.PENANAAszpANimGK
換是平日,我必定會對「二十分鐘」這個答覆表達強烈不滿。但今日是平安夜,小鎮大部分居民集中在鎮中廣場參與節慶活動。主要警力被調派至廣場維持秩序(過往經常出現醉酒生事鬧劇),僅有為數不多的警員負責巡邏。所以我不得不接受「二十分鐘」這個答案。437Please respect copyright.PENANAayDyKsqxtp
437Please respect copyright.PENANAOpu5ckK7kg
我與小女孩坐在樹下長椅聊天說笑。見她被逗得哈哈大笑,我突然覺得這是最好的聖誕禮物。我問她有何聖誕願望。她想了想,突然跑向鞦韆:「大哥哥,來玩吧。」437Please respect copyright.PENANAGcKpnygxzf
437Please respect copyright.PENANAo0NGSasS4r
我為她盪鞦韆,她邊笑邊唱聖誕歌,知性的亞歷山大在旁輕吠助慶。437Please respect copyright.PENANAVAKC8cF3Au
437Please respect copyright.PENANAhIXme0hJNS
「大哥哥,我真希望你是我的親人!」小女孩童言無忌,無視人世法則。437Please respect copyright.PENANAXbnVVWQxzk
437Please respect copyright.PENANAuuS6fBk5Fz
「乖!」作為一個成年人,我當然知道那不可能,只好交出隱晦又得體的回應,心底裡甚喜歡這天真活潑的孩子。437Please respect copyright.PENANA3exjNwAjVR
437Please respect copyright.PENANA6biFqMQd2k
時間悄然流逝,兩串雜亂腳步聲進入小公園,往我們走來。437Please respect copyright.PENANAUnhIzquBOH
437Please respect copyright.PENANAAxs0OXdq8U
是警員和我爸。437Please respect copyright.PENANA0Xdaj8QFRC
437Please respect copyright.PENANAofR9HjfRzg
我停住鞦韆,打算上前向警員講解情況,誰料小女孩和亞歷山大竟激動齊齊跑向二人。437Please respect copyright.PENANA1VQGSirgMO
437Please respect copyright.PENANAwRIBM5RPLt
「爸爸!我們在這裡!妮娜和亞歷山大在這裡!」她們邊跑邊哭,身體漸變通透,化作細碎光點圍繞我爸兜轉幾圈,最後飛昇上天,消失於夜空。437Please respect copyright.PENANADEsYrfB2HR
437Please respect copyright.PENANAo05MOMM26D
我目瞪口呆,直至警員和我爸與我僅有三步之距。警員問我小女孩去向,我稍定心神,整理思緒,謊稱她父母已前來帶走她,我獨自留下來向警方交代。警員未有多加查問,草草了事。437Please respect copyright.PENANAutYDXKrOdg
437Please respect copyright.PENANAagRBJpvovI
我和爸爸急步前往鎮中廣場,希望能趕上煙火表演。奈何我心思苦苦糾結於小女孩和她的寵物犬。我偷瞥爸爸神情,見他心不在焉,目光散漫,垂頭望著腳尖走路。437Please respect copyright.PENANAFtgFsRJ0ZJ
437Please respect copyright.PENANAjUmIlUWFsV
「爸爸,你認識名為妮娜的小女孩和名為亞歷山大的寵物犬嗎?」我忍不住問。437Please respect copyright.PENANAgKSuI59nwT
437Please respect copyright.PENANA4imGFHEUb7
爸爸停下腳步,僵住,沒有轉頭望我。我走到他面前,直視他雙眼,再問:「爸爸,你認識名為妮娜的小女孩和名為亞歷山大的寵物犬嗎?」437Please respect copyright.PENANAmJor5nPDPE
437Please respect copyright.PENANAK2XuloMKdx
爸爸眼眶瞬間發紅,面容扭曲,眼淚暴瀉。437Please respect copyright.PENANAtPv3txadaZ
我剛成年時候與比我小三歲的女鄰居偷嚐禁果。後來她懷孕,我帶著她私奔至這小鎮。她在家產下女嬰半年後離家出走,從此杳無音訊,剩下我獨個兒養活女兒——也就是妮娜。437Please respect copyright.PENANAN9pGCl8C3D
437Please respect copyright.PENANAlx3J0SQBra
我不是好爸爸。為免自己「與未成年少女發生性行為」罪行曝光,我不曾讓外界任何人知道她存在。即使她生病,我只買成藥給她服用。437Please respect copyright.PENANA8kKyimAI3j
437Please respect copyright.PENANAF6TE9OZQaT
妮娜天真活潑可愛。每次我下班回家,她就黏著我不願放手,嚷著要我抱,要我一起玩耍。我實在累得不行,經常在玩耍期間直接昏睡。醒來的時候,總會發現一張被單覆蓋在身上,懷中就是妮娜的安睡小臉。437Please respect copyright.PENANAatQbp2eN2E
437Please respect copyright.PENANAVLDozsOoFN
我知道妮娜愛我。437Please respect copyright.PENANA7tBCmHFC50
437Please respect copyright.PENANAJicGHLIgg6
某天下班回家後,發現妮娜不在住所。我待至夜深,穿上黑衣黑褲,在陰沉夜色保護下搜索周邊範圍。最終在小社區後的荒地長草叢發現妮娜,當時她在一隻骯髒白色長毛大狗懷中睡著。大狗十分機警,沒有胡亂吠叫,目不轉睛盯著我,以防我進一步接近。437Please respect copyright.PENANAwZXmlFv0bz
437Please respect copyright.PENANAcyDU7J8uhz
「妮娜,爸爸回來啦!妮娜!」既然無法接近,我唯有連聲輕喚妮娜,要她主動過來。437Please respect copyright.PENANAXWeTAFyfeX
437Please respect copyright.PENANAXah90MuJ0o
妮娜醒來,頭也不回直奔我懷中,向我介紹大狗:「牠是亞歷山大。」437Please respect copyright.PENANARZyZ4338cr
437Please respect copyright.PENANAmeohGpzfgG
「你怎會知道牠的名字?」我一邊查看妮娜身上有沒有傷口,一邊警惕笑問,擔心牠是不知哪戶人家的寵物。437Please respect copyright.PENANAvcQ3oCkEpW
437Please respect copyright.PENANAKasJHqraPa
「我望入牠眼睛時候就知道!」妮娜果斷、自信,彷彿那是不容置疑的真相。437Please respect copyright.PENANAjrQSchF6lj
437Please respect copyright.PENANAkILQPB4Hx2
我抱起妮娜跑回家,大狗沒有跟上來。以為事情告一段落,誰料幾日後妮娜再次失蹤。我憶起妮娜當晚回家後曾告訴我擅離居所的原因——她看見鄰家孩子們在外玩耍,感覺羨慕。437Please respect copyright.PENANAfRBCtU8pKn
437Please respect copyright.PENANAX9ymiG6LzF
我待至夜深後趕去荒地,看見妮娜和大狗一起玩耍。我瞬間明白自己實在錯得離譜。我收養大狗,取名「亞歷山大」。牠很乖巧,不亂吠,不會驚動鄰居,甚至能夠滋潤妮娜的寂寞內心。437Please respect copyright.PENANADeLk3n789L
437Please respect copyright.PENANAo83u5yuRFE
日子過得溫馨幸福,直至妮娜八歲那年平安夜,她在我懷中因病逝世。437Please respect copyright.PENANAoKVFIJOUAb
437Please respect copyright.PENANAA4GSmsA7ml
夜深,我帶著妮娜的屍體和工具前往荒地,掘坑埋屍。我把妮娜安放坑內,準備開始填土的時候,亞歷山大竟突然從長草叢中冒出來,跳入坑內。我命令牠返回地面。牠聽而不聞,俯伏妮娜身邊,微微仰首回望,眼有憂思。我頓時明白牠心意,揮鏟填土。437Please respect copyright.PENANAwBLyGu2U7z
437Please respect copyright.PENANAz64GLHlGfl
我返抵家門之時將近天明,細雪在晦暗不明的天色下緩緩降落。抬頭放眼望去,一切盡是瘀白、灰藍、粉橘融和卻彆扭的配搭,曖昧氣氛令我感到無比壓抑。437Please respect copyright.PENANAcwjWhZ24tP
437Please respect copyright.PENANA2DydiSa92N
鄰居開門外出,與我打招呼:「聖誕快樂。」437Please respect copyright.PENANANnZvA7sKJR
437Please respect copyright.PENANAhbTJLBPkz5
我驀地憶起今天是聖誕,一個歡樂幸福的節日。437Please respect copyright.PENANA7AywPl25DD
「你愛妮娜嗎?」437Please respect copyright.PENANAg7xWGSnsgR
437Please respect copyright.PENANAeJvqdT2YeW
「我……我不知道。」437Please respect copyright.PENANATjINMbo4ld
437Please respect copyright.PENANAalC6bAmIuh
「我知道你永遠不會知道。」我留下一聲譏笑,轉身獨自回家。437Please respect copyright.PENANAyH9tBGjGrm
437Please respect copyright.PENANApQVdZRxDMA
我該如何形容此刻心情?像無數混集一起的彩色砂子,能被確切握在手中,卻無法被塑造出任何形式狀。是無限的配搭,也是有限的零。爸爸的過錯是毋庸置疑——他剝奪妮娜的人生。437Please respect copyright.PENANAImsJlRxrSF
437Please respect copyright.PENANAqINRYmpkNG
在妮娜眼中,他是個值得愛的好爸爸,所以她死後才會義無反顧選擇不見盡頭的等待。她不曾體驗正常生活,不知道屋外世界比想像中更遼闊,未有思考自身遭遇是否合理。妮娜愛他是因為無知。437Please respect copyright.PENANAlUkcaWXN52
437Please respect copyright.PENANAXNCPJs6DaD
我呢?童年的我與一般孩子差不多,會期待跟下班的爸爸相處;少年的我與同齡人差不多,會為無法宣之於口的煩惱感到羞恥;成年的我與爸爸差不多,只想盡量擁有獨處時間。我以為一切都是自然而必然,未曾思考當中有沒有愛,直至我知道妮娜的故事。437Please respect copyright.PENANAYlcLiCOI5M
437Please respect copyright.PENANANd2jcyK3pc
翌日,十二月二十五日,聖誕節,也是妮娜死忌。我沒閒情逸致享用早餐,幾句敷衍母親後離家前往小公園。細雪在晦暗不明的天色下緩緩降落。抬頭放眼望去,一切盡是瘀白、灰藍、粉橘融和卻彆扭的配搭,曖昧氣氛令我感到無比壓抑。437Please respect copyright.PENANAVhhw6v6Muk
437Please respect copyright.PENANAzxcsHUVaA5
小公園大部分面積被水泥覆蓋,僅餘長椅後種樹位置有野草生長的空隙。我在樹下驚訝發現兩朵隨風搖曳的小白花。已連續幾星期下雪,怎麼可能會有未被凍死的植物?每天有管理員前來清理野草和積雪,它們怎麼可能逃過被拔除的命運?437Please respect copyright.PENANAkUyydM2LaJ
437Please respect copyright.PENANAm4T3ci1P4P
又一陣風吹過,兩朵小白花柔弱飄搖。437Please respect copyright.PENANAG36M0nHjUF
437Please respect copyright.PENANAVVJA3bQn4d
我靈光一閃——除非它們是昨晚與今早之間冒出來。437Please respect copyright.PENANAPqnzfqVbp4
437Please respect copyright.PENANAFE2L6BUj2E
「妮娜?阿歷山大?」我對號入座,匆匆到最近的商店買花盆和小鏟子,將兩朵小白花帶回家。437Please respect copyright.PENANAx8yNAdVQIa
437Please respect copyright.PENANAkJNp3ZP2mH
「咦?不是說去朋友家度聖誕嗎?怎麼捧著盆栽回來?」媽媽注意到我手中物品。437Please respect copyright.PENANApGq8I8F8J1
437Please respect copyright.PENANAJPBLLjVatQ
「我路過小公園時看見兩朵小白花在寒風中孤獨地面對一切,感覺可憐,所以把它們帶回家。」我似在回答媽媽,實則告訴在媽媽身邊看書的爸爸。他翻書頁的手短暫一頓,笨拙地嘗試隱藏心事。437Please respect copyright.PENANAYs7j0saHLt
437Please respect copyright.PENANA2UkQvuyvXb
睡房裡,我將盆栽放到窗邊書枱上,希望妮娜可以看見窗外遼闊世界,知道爸爸不是,放下對他執念。437Please respect copyright.PENANA3I6J8vtWNb
437Please respect copyright.PENANA8SgW7wXnrq
夜,有人敲門,來者是爸爸。他小心翼翼關門,給我兩塊用透明塑料袋包裝的薑餅人。「妮娜生前最喜歡的聖誕食物是薑餅人。」437Please respect copyright.PENANAuwNuzhxAIw
437Please respect copyright.PENANAz2dyHBAZXK
我猶豫,不知該否接下——我認為爸爸假惺惺,但我知道妮娜會喜歡。437Please respect copyright.PENANAhhVaOdvMGB
437Please respect copyright.PENANAe0CurSUvNt
「你愛妮娜嗎?」相比我的感受,事件主角妮娜更重要。437Please respect copyright.PENANAfXZ3pIEFCx
437Please respect copyright.PENANAOiXUTdIkiI
「我不知道。」爸爸的答案仍舊令我失望。我不是要他「肯定」或「否定」,而是交出確切答案。有人因他丟命,怎能如此含混不清,糊里糊塗?437Please respect copyright.PENANAVzxiuCzHe0
437Please respect copyright.PENANAfy4cCHQhUM
抑或……他本來就是一個糊塗的人?糊塗令鄰家女孩懷孕生產,以糊塗方式養育妮娜,最後糊塗害死妮娜。如今糊塗與現任妻子結婚,糊塗成為我爸,以糊塗方式養育我……437Please respect copyright.PENANAb5D4ausnBG
437Please respect copyright.PENANAFuJERH1jh7
面對不爭氣的爸爸,我終於明白自己為何執著——我往後該要如何相信爸爸真心愛我和我媽?437Please respect copyright.PENANAwQkdrqUusU
437Please respect copyright.PENANAZeRp3QaD6y
「你愛我嗎?」我忍不住問,卻害怕他交出任何確切答案——那肯定是謊言。437Please respect copyright.PENANAdKvKjpV428
437Please respect copyright.PENANAaujSxrpjFY
沒料到爸爸眼神竟生起微妙變化,真摯、堅定、洶湧:「我不知道……」437Please respect copyright.PENANAL7PFkqIyUF
437Please respect copyright.PENANA4KBjaIScoH
我故意木無表情,接過他遞來的薑餅人,放到盆栽旁邊。矛盾舉動令他無法知道我心所思。愛或討厭?原諒或憎恨?437Please respect copyright.PENANAutZUP24Lw1
437Please respect copyright.PENANAy6ZmLmzCzI
他欲言又止。我自小見過這表情無數次。他想好好推進事情,又擔心自己沒能掌控意料之外的變化。437Please respect copyright.PENANAdnBH7eYKRR
437Please respect copyright.PENANAnyRiUcRAb5
我討厭這樣的爸爸。437Please respect copyright.PENANA3pX6YLllXU
437Please respect copyright.PENANA2dRvVbngj3
待他離開後,我對妮娜和亞歷山大說:「對我,他未曾思考當中有沒有愛,因為一切都是自然而必然。對你們,他同樣未曾思考當中有沒有愛,因為一切都是突然卻必然。437Please respect copyright.PENANABe5YmaTP1S
437Please respect copyright.PENANAHiTvDwqO4e
不過以上統統不重要。最要緊的是你們可以見到深愛的爸爸,我可以繼續鄙視和戲弄糊塗又膽怯的他。437Please respect copyright.PENANAoAakSDxvjc
437Please respect copyright.PENANAZFbVKaIHr2
無視現實和真相。各取所需。437Please respect copyright.PENANAEK2Cad9mgn
437Please respect copyright.PENANAaVe4WOqDHm
自己的心最重要。」437Please respect copyright.PENANAfjivwiVZoN