Do you know these starry nights where you can see the whole bright mesmerizing stars? The endless celestial objects?
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She was lost in thought, staring at the sky while sitting on the backyard with her knees to her chest. She was lucky that there wasn't much light pollution like in other urban places.
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Her aunt had fallen asleep hours ago and it was late. It had passed midnight. Regan had school tomorrow. She was supposed to sleep at this hour, but she wasn't.
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For some other minutes, after doing the same thing, gazing at stars, she convinced her mind to go back inside. She didn't know why but there was always something about the stars. She was always drawn to bizarre, unknown things for humans.
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After she went inside her room, she changed into a set of loose, kitty-themed pajamas. She brushed her teeth and lay in the bed, trying to get some sleep.
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However, that familiar feeling crept on her, as well as the mass of these whole intrusive and negative thoughts.
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It was the reason why she was so paranoid, why her head always hurt, why her body was so tense.
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As for that familiar feeling, well that was a feeling of non-belonging. She had felt that since she was little, she didn't remember how years old, but probably around seven. And she still felt it now that she was eighteen.
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It was like she always knew she was different, that she didn't fit in. And it was true. She didn't fit at all, she felt like an outsider, she hated crowds, fake friends, people. They were dirty, they cared about sex, money, material things, they were shallow.
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Maybe she was probably being unfair, there were good people in the world, that not everyone was like that. But still, she couldn't see anyone who was good. She could only sink in her negative thoughts, in her tense body, in her head.
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Regan sighed and rolled onto her side where the cold blankets were cool and soothing. It was useless though. Sleep eluded her again.
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Her mind was hell awake, thinking that she was about to die, thinking always the worst.
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The night was silent. She had left the window open for some air but still felt as suffocating. Boredom grew as well and she wondered if there was anyone else feeling like her, like a mess, tortured by her own mind.
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She tossed and turned in bed, trying to find a comfortable spot. It was useless. If she covered herself with blankets, she felt hot and trapped; if she let them pool on the floor, she was freezing. If she closed her eyes, images of the dark, intrusive images clouded her. If she stayed awake, all previously mentioned things happened as well. She was terrified to look up in Google about what she felt because it would make things even worse. She knew it. She had done it before and had ended up even more terrified and anxious.
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She had always felt like that, always tense, never calm, never positive, always waiting for something terrible to happen.
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She wished she could talk to someone about it, but who would understand? Who would care? Her aunt would act like Google, get freaky. Her parents.... they weren't alive. Regan only knew their appearances, even that was just from pictures. She had no friends, no real connections to anyone. She had only her mind, her negative, paranoid, self-depressive mind.
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Finally, she cursed under her breath and shoved the covers away, knowing it was no use to lay there.
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She sat up and grabbed her phone, starting to play a game. But then, it was something else. That time, she felt watched. She glanced around the room, her heart thumping. She clenched her jaw, hating her brain for always working against her, making her paranoid.
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After several minutes, she decided to get out of bed and walk around the room, trying to calm herself down. She knew that walking around helped a bit. Or just doing something different. Anything to take her mind off the feeling of being watched.
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She stood by the window, looking out at the darkness, the stars still visible. A cool breeze caressed her face, and for a moment, she felt better. But her body worked against her, as it always did. She closed her eyes, trying to relax.
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When she opened them again, she saw something move out of the corner of her eye. She peeked out of the window, her heart hammering against her ribs. There was nothing, just the bushes swaying in the breeze. She let out a shaky breath, cursing under her breath.
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When thinking about school for a moment, she just remembered it was a second prison. She had good grades, she didn't know how. It wasn't like she studied all the time or something, but she had mostly A's and B's. Maybe because she was smart? She didn't know.
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She leaned back from the window and thought to do something else. Maybe just eat something. But she wasn't hungry. Her laptop was on the desk but felt heavy to use. She was so tired, so tired that when she tried to sleep, she just couldn't. She glanced at the clock on her bedside table and sighed. It was only 1:30.
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"Such a long night," she muttered to herself, rubbing her eyes. She couldn't wait for the day, but it was a cycle after all. Night would come, she'd struggle to sleep, and then she'd wake up exhausted.
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She lazily flopped onto her bed and flipped through social media, looking for something that would distract her. Nothing really caught her attention. She slammed the phone on the table and rolled on the other side, trying to get some sleep.
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She started to get hot again and kicked the covers off, trying to cool down. She turned on her side, away from the window, and closed her eyes, hoping that sleep would come. It didn't.
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"Oh God, I want to sleep," she whispered, grabbing the blankets again and forcing herself to submit to her wants. Her eyelids grew heavy, burning if she kept them open. She tried to think about something else, something beautiful, probably the books and movies she had read and seen. Because there was nothing else in her life that she considered beautiful.
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She closed her eyes and started to drift off to a uneasy sleep, like most nights. With nightmares of being lost and other terrifying scenarios. She mumbled nonsense words and tossed and turned, unable to find a comfortable position. At least, she was sleeping somehow. Even if it wasn't restful.
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In the morning, a bright light filled the room, and she jolted awake. The sunlight was burning her face and she quickly remembered it was finally day. Good for her. Even though she was going to a new school, at least losing her mind and forgetting her negative thoughts would be a good thing.
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She knew how her school day would go. Being a loner and getting no attention from anyone, was the best for her. She avoided talking with others or joining groups. The only reason why she was going to school were her grades.
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She entered the bathroom and dressed up quickly. Her clothes didn't include big options of wearing, so she went with baggy, knee-ripped jeans and a black t-shirt with words written in bold gold color: "STAY AWAY".
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Ironic, this spoke volumes of what she wanted others to do.
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Then she combed her hair, letting it hang over her shoulders. She picked her bag and her phone, then left the room.
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As she stepped down the stairs, just a glance on her phone made her realize how damn late she was.
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"My God," she said, blaming herself for being so stupid. She saw Monica was already sitting on the couch, drinking her morning coffee. She looked up at Regan, knowing she was late.
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"Aunt, you could've woken me up," Regan said frustrated, but then regretted it because it wasn't her aunt's fault.
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"Hey, don't panic, you're a bit late, but you're new so it's not such a big deal, hun," Monica replied.
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Regan nodded nonchalantly and poured herself a glass of milk. She drank quickly and then Monica dropped her off school. When she arrived there it was 8:12. She had seen the school before on photos but she felt nervous to go inside herself.
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So Monica accompanied her inside and then left. The first class of her senior year was chemistry and she dragged her feet to find it. At the same time she was thinking about a valid excuse to get out of the embarrassing position.
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The hallways were large and she spotted a woman in her fifties. She thought her as a teacher and asked her where the chemistry class was.
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The teacher told her the direction and asked if she was new. Regan managed to explain something quick and then turned on her heel. She found the door, anxiety rushing in her whole and she got that nervous knot on the stomach.
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Now, she wasn't only worrying about the excuses of being late but also if she had to introduce herself to the class.
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She knocked and opened the door to reveal a whole class staring at her like she was some sort of alien.
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"Who are you?" the teacher who was standing near the board asked.
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The words eluded Regan for a moment, not liking the way she was being stared at. She would have yelled at them if the teacher hadn't been there. She was short-tempered sometimes, she'd give that.
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"I'm Regan Miller," she answered, trying to swallow her anxiety.
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"Oh, you're the new girl," the teacher said but from her expression one could tell she was annoyed. "Already late on your first day miss Miller?" she asked, slightly raising her voice.
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"I'm sorry miss...I just moved in and had some work to do," she said, hoping she would understand, "It's not going to happen again."
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The class laughed, but Regan tried not to look at them and wore a mask of indifference.
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"Fine, miss Miller, I'll forgive this time because you're new but next time you won't do so easily. No one dares to come late in my class," she emphasized the last sentence, "now go sit somewhere."
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Regan did as told and started looking for a seat, hard because of all the freaks staring at her.
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To her luck, there was an empty seat at the end of the class which was near the window. The desks were for only one person to sit which was good for her.
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She went to sit there, feeling all the weird stares like they had seen a ghost. She didn't want to draw attention anymore as she had already done and didn't like it at all. She was also thankful to the teacher for not saying something like "introduce yourself to the class".
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"Silence!" the teacher yelled sternly at the class. Regan felt better when they all moved the attention back on the teacher and stopped laughing or glaring.
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She took notes from the bag and some pens. The topic on the board was "Organic Chemistry" and she quickly got the hang of it.
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The teacher started asking questions that seemed too easy, but no one was responding. She raised her hand awkwardly, not worrying at all and after her response, the teacher praised, "Well done, Miss Miller!"
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Again, the class started to babble for no specific reason. The teacher shut it up once more. Meanwhile, she took a better look at her surroundings. Before her was a girl. Next to her, was a boy who kept staring. She cursed under her breath, wanting to punch the boy. Not only embarrassed from being late, she kept getting stared at like a fool. If there was something she hated after physical touch, was getting stared at.
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The hours passed and her next class was math, which she managed easily, just like any other subject.
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It was lunch and all the students were out of class. Now she had to face another big problem. Where to sit, where to stay, what to do, should she get back instead?
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She walked very slowly to the school hall, her direction was the cafeteria, but seeing the big crowd there was changing her mind. Maybe school was just emphasizing the fact she was different.
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Being hungry didn't help.
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She tried to enter the crowded area, managing to stay away as much as possible. She waited in the long queue, trying to stay invisible. After what seemed like eternity, she bought a burger and a coke.
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The cafeteria worker gave her a tray and a smile, noticing she was new. Regan returned the smile and walked away. She sat on an empty table.
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