Out of the mouths of babes comes truth. Or so they say. 29Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ3ancPbMTj
Thaddeus Gubbyns had always been painfully honest since he was a little shit. That kind of honesty that people want to smack him. Others simply called him an asshole and left it at that.29Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5wehIomhyE
He spent his days doing what he loved most: telling people the truth, and calling things what they were: 29Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEkTHLZky7O
“Mother, you're already fat enough. You really don't need that second piece of mutton.”29Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQdm6sxOvSg
“Father's drinking again to drown his sorrows, because he can't handle his own emotions."
You see, Thaddeus wasn’t just into “telling it like it is.” He had this annoying habit (and I wanna admit, it was also a rare gift) of seeing through everyones bullshit and blurting it out loud. Mostly because no one else did or dared to. He always said "but I'm just being honest" and took it as a freepass to point out uncomfortable truths, lies and even questioning the status quo at times.29Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtMJTdLwS74
Even if it pissed people off.
One day, Thaddeus became utterly convinced he’d been personally chosen by the mighty gods of poetry. He shared this revelation generously with anyone who didn’t manage to avoid him in time.29Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIzfysRGiK0
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According to him, his vocation had come in a vision when he was a sixteen year old; a boy with long greasy hair, with the face of a youngling but covered in oil and acne:29Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa7mNvm2UvI
while sitting on the shithouse during a thunderstorm, a lightning bolt nearly missed him and shattered the privy into splinters while he just sat there, pants down, just doing his business. He lost consciousness as the outhouse collapsed around him. Everything went black at first. But then he saw a light that became brighter and brighter and then like in a wild feverdream, he saw fast paced images of a flaming goat running through a lush green field, a glowing lute in the skies spinning violently accompanied by a choir of monks chanting incomprehensible latin verses but in that moment, Thaddeus just KNEW what they meant.29Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKnT3QS31SJ
An hour later he woke up, shocked and confused, he stumbled into the stable, dazed, barefoot and probably still steaming, where the goat Hildegard gave him a long, eerie stare while she leisurely chewed on some hay.29Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTBEICvQVu2
That, apparently, was the sign. At least, that’s how he chose to read it.29Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi3E29ucxn2
To bring joy with the truth and a lyre to the people as a kind of angelic minstrel. 29Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIHAzoFT2H8
“Say no more,” he muttered to the confused goat, then passed out into the manure and bought a lyre the next day with zero musical skills.
Unfortunately, his songs closely resembled what most would call poetic diarrhea.29Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjPFLQaA068
His rhymes stumbled like a drunk knight falling down a long spiral staircase, his un-melodies never fit the sound of his voice, and yet Thaddeus beamed with purpose; much to the suffering of those around him.29Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLMKHJLWHRS
For in his heart pulsed a divine mission: to speak the truth. Uninvited, unapologetically and loud. And always with the lyre.
His songs became infamous rather quickly, despite their dreadful quality.29Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWPNEr8D6KZ
All of Dullmere was soon whispering about the slanderous ballad of Myrtle the baker, whose already odd reputation was now officially sealed as that of a witch.29Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaLX36g0hzP
Rumors said she danced naked on Broxenhill during full moons, whispered in tongues into her dough, and occasionally added "ingredients" to her bread that caused hallucinations. She sold them only to those who specifically asked for it if they were "in the know". And Thaddeus, eternal lover of truth that he was, decided to investigate by observing her through the bakery window at night.29Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPrlR5AW33m
The next day he rhymed: 29Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9Ew4ug4ade
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"Money I gave to thee29Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLBAZKI8zuP
Bread you gave to me29Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuwItE9Q6Fz
Later I hugged a tree29Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJlnmBD9Eri
And then I spoke to a bumblebee29Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQV5Z6dPpA4
Visions flickered before my eyes29Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy9P83XhtXx
The mayor turned into a chicken in disguise"
Myrtle was burned the next day.
He also rhymed about other things:29Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf2fCjuwvJs
About the mayor’s incestuous family line when he married his first cousin once removed, though that, of course, "was an official misunderstanding."29Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3f1ImNZi1h
Or the bride who claimed to be a virgin, at a wedding Thaddeus invited himself to, where he declared:
“The veil upon your head, so pure and white29Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjgoWTKzJl8
but under your gown, not quite so tight.”
The next day after that performance, Thaddeus was exiled from Dullmere.29Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAqWju6KMqO
They sat him backwards on a donkey and sent him away with a sign around his neck that read: “Banished from Dullmere".
Thaddeus took it as a badge of honor, if people got mad, he had done something right, right? 29Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuW7cB7ZPh8
“Hear me, you dull-witted crowd,” he shouted to the angry villagers, “truth only stinks to those who never wash!”
Three rotten eggs, two moldy tomatoes, and a surprisingly heavy brick later thrown by the mayor himself, his wandering began. And with it: the mission to enlighten the world with truth and music; whether it liked it or not.
Over the following weeks, Thaddeus passed through five villages.29Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT4z3e5o5Di
In every single one, he was once again chased out with rotten eggs and vegetables.29Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuvAtEk3NJy
His songs bore titles such as:
- “Beth’s Cucumber Ritual”: was banned in three villages. No one ever ate cucumber salad again. Ever.
- “The Maid with the Fishy Scent”: she sold trout by day and claimed virtue by night. A few bachelors nodded knowingly, the maid fled the village in tears.
- “In Manure but Never Alone. Memoirs of a Stableboy”: a long instrumental ballad, featuring unsettling animal sounds imitated by Thaddeus himself. Every stableboy in the village was suddenly side-eyed.
Even in a particularly remote women’s convent, he was beaten out of the chapel after just two verses, with a crutch from the abbess. 29Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU5Gxyt6lJr
“The Nun and the Novice” was apparently not an appropriate opening number.
But Thaddeus didn’t give up. “The divine truth,” he said, while tending to his wounds, “demands sacrifices.”
One day, he arrived in the city of Muzzlehaven.29Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKYXDzw1tFJ
The name said it all: speaking required a license, and singing was strictly forbidden.29Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDcPxAprHyo
The first offense meant a slap. Hard in the face.29Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYeLU8XpAqa
The second: a stay in the silent dungeon for 2 weeks.29Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4FqcHIKfAf
The third: death by hanging.
Thaddeus knew that. But either way, on that beautiful day he stepped confidently into the market square, tuned his lyre (or pretended to), and began:
“In Muzzlehaven no one speaks29Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY6pCx350pL
for silence is what power seeks29Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnazrKn7SrE
Take heed for the day I sing29Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU2uO2UKGjr
truth flies like an arrow’s sting!”
He didn’t get past the second verse. A militia of patrolling silence-guards dragged him away as he loudly protested.
The king of Muzzlehaven, a gaunt and serious man, hadn’t heard open defiance in years. Not surprising, considering everyone kept their mouths shut in fear.29Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuFpUH9jqMa
Nonetheless, he was impressed by this small man with too much confidence.
When Thaddeus, from his cell, performed a mocking ballad about the royal bald spot, “Fields of Drought”, the king stopped and listened with furrowed brows. Then when the song ended he looked at Thaddeus with his piercing, way too serious stare. And then, suddenly, he laughed. Loudly. For quite some time.29Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaFeIoqVHjT
Then he shouted, “Bring me this lunatic!”
Just minutes later, Thaddeus stood before the throne. The king examined him like an exotic animal, one eyebrow slightly raised: 29Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqvWQclbt6p
“No one dares tell me the truth. Except you.", he started with a serious tone, almost accusatory, "and only because you can’t help yourself. But how do you always know what’s true?” He leaned forward, his eyes sharp like an eagle, judging, never smiling.
Thaddeus gave a small bow: “The truth is, my king, I don’t know. But I seem to notice what others ignore, simply because I never learned how to lie politely. I seem to notice the things people like to cover with parfume and manners. I'm not a cruel man but I'm also not a liar. I simply do not understand the concept of lying since I was born." 29Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYKyyjZIunc
The king thought for a moment. Then raised his hand.29Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDLYJc7ng3e
“Very well then. You alone may speak the truth. Therefore, from now on, I name you as my jester of the court.”
Thaddeus fell to his knees: “I thank you, noble king! I swear to never lie and to always rhyme!” Thaddeus remained kneeling, as if he had just been gloriously knighted rather than legally permitted to irritate everyone for a living.
As the official jester, Thaddeus was allowed to say anything, as long as it rhymed and reflected the truth. He finally got a look that fit him well: a colorful jester hat with bells, even on his shoes. And with him: always his trusted lyre.29Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGewJEScEDF
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Within a few weeks, he had uncovered five court conspiracies, how the royal wizard has been selling illegal mushrooms on the side that made you see gods or talking to flaming goats, depending on the dosage, and he made the royal cook cry. Several times. 29Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcSZnlJV3UY
(To be fair, the stew really was too salty, just nobody had the heart to tell her).
The people began to quietly celebrate him. Children repeated his obscene rhymes to the displease of their parents.29Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBSOf0tQTx0
Now as his official status as the minstrel jester of the court, his songs became the conscience of the people; unasked for but utterly necessary. 29Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBMkyJNIHBf
He wrote history as Thaddeus, Divine Fool with a lyre. And more than often, the wisest person in the room.
At the end, after a celebration, during a grand feast, he stood on the table, plunked his lyre and proclaimed:
"Simple jester that I am 29Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsl1ozBaGbj
my words powerful like a ram 29Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl0iQyEoW2Q
If you fear the truth you're not bright29Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtUKS2ZDN3m
I bring your dark secrets into the light!"
The crowd cheered and raised their glasses. The king nodded quietly with satisfaction and raised his glass in the name of Thaddeus the Divine Fool. 29Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4CYgGzW64Q
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And somewhere, in a random stable of Muzzlehaven, a goat bleated peacefully.
