Out of the mouths of babes comes truth. Or so they say. 101Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyZrJLfSpct
Thaddeus Gubbyns had always been painfully honest since he was a little shit. That kind of honesty that people want to smack him. Others simply called him an asshole and left it at that.101Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvJmforCz2s
He spent his days doing what he loved most: telling people the truth, and calling things what they were: 101Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuCNF4aGPAm
“Mother, you're already fat enough. You really don't need that second piece of mutton.”101Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5wrYSEuAmN
“Father's drinking again to drown his sorrows, because he can't handle his own emotions."
You see, Thaddeus wasn’t just into “telling it like it is.” He had this annoying habit (and I wanna admit, it was also a rare gift) of seeing through everyones bullshit and blurting it out loud. Mostly because no one else did or dared to. He always said "but I'm just being honest" and took it as a freepass to point out uncomfortable truths, lies and even questioning the status quo at times.101Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKEyj5kUxex
Even if it pissed people off.
One day, Thaddeus became utterly convinced he’d been personally chosen by the mighty gods of poetry. He shared this revelation generously with anyone who didn’t manage to avoid him in time.101Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqALDku4FS7
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According to him, his vocation had come in a vision when he was a sixteen year old; a boy with long greasy hair, with the face of a youngling but covered in oil and acne:101Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjAYbT0kgcB
while sitting on the shithouse during a thunderstorm, a lightning bolt nearly missed him and shattered the privy into splinters while he just sat there, pants down, just doing his business. He lost consciousness as the outhouse collapsed around him. Everything went black at first. But then he saw a light that became brighter and brighter and then like in a wild feverdream, he saw fast paced images of a flaming goat running through a lush green field, a glowing lute in the skies spinning violently accompanied by a choir of monks chanting incomprehensible latin verses but in that moment, Thaddeus just KNEW what they meant.101Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoLwdtp5Mc8
An hour later he woke up, shocked and confused, he stumbled into the stable, dazed, barefoot and probably still steaming, where the goat Hildegard gave him a long, eerie stare while she leisurely chewed on some hay.101Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG8Azi6UgZh
That, apparently, was the sign. At least, that’s how he chose to read it.101Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKj9DJigXo6
To bring joy with the truth and a lyre to the people as a kind of angelic minstrel. 101Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwWNepzDngY
“Say no more,” he muttered to the confused goat, then passed out into the manure and bought a lyre the next day with zero musical skills.
Unfortunately, his songs closely resembled what most would call poetic diarrhea.101Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP5HEl182CI
His rhymes stumbled like a drunk knight falling down a long spiral staircase, his un-melodies never fit the sound of his voice, and yet Thaddeus beamed with purpose; much to the suffering of those around him.101Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJcpsuevvCM
For in his heart pulsed a divine mission: to speak the truth. Uninvited, unapologetically and loud. And always with the lyre.
His songs became infamous rather quickly, despite their dreadful quality.101Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡICW7mVjyhe
All of Dullmere was soon whispering about the slanderous ballad of Myrtle the baker, whose already odd reputation was now officially sealed as that of a witch.101Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjMIGGfZfg9
Rumors said she danced naked on Broxenhill during full moons, whispered in tongues into her dough, and occasionally added "ingredients" to her bread that caused hallucinations. She sold them only to those who specifically asked for it if they were "in the know". And Thaddeus, eternal lover of truth that he was, decided to investigate by observing her through the bakery window at night.101Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnt1Hn9mrHS
The next day he rhymed: 101Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHCG412cLRR
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"Money I gave to thee101Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwcLv8OX4a6
Bread you gave to me101Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO1FN0s9dWS
Later I hugged a tree101Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdb1F6SPQpK
And then I spoke to a bumblebee101Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjwPEmbHGcd
Visions flickered before my eyes101Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxknYHAN6Qk
The mayor turned into a chicken in disguise"
Myrtle was burned the next day.
He also rhymed about other things:101Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpfTwpmunlE
About the mayor’s incestuous family line when he married his first cousin once removed, though that, of course, "was an official misunderstanding."101Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8DT3Jx84HV
Or the bride who claimed to be a virgin, at a wedding Thaddeus invited himself to, where he declared:
“The veil upon your head, so pure and white101Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvVnPfByDUL
but under your gown, not quite so tight.”
The next day after that performance, Thaddeus was exiled from Dullmere.101Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4xdeLAmBvI
They sat him backwards on a donkey and sent him away with a sign around his neck that read: “Banished from Dullmere".
Thaddeus took it as a badge of honor, if people got mad, he had done something right, right? 101Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw5TcSXuuvw
“Hear me, you dull-witted crowd,” he shouted to the angry villagers, “truth only stinks to those who never wash!”
Three rotten eggs, two moldy tomatoes, and a surprisingly heavy brick later thrown by the mayor himself, his wandering began. And with it: the mission to enlighten the world with truth and music; whether it liked it or not.
Over the following weeks, Thaddeus passed through five villages.101Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxpPdXkk7U3
In every single one, he was once again chased out with rotten eggs and vegetables.101Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxGzwPM2oRd
His songs bore titles such as:
- “Beth’s Cucumber Ritual”: was banned in three villages. No one ever ate cucumber salad again. Ever.
- “The Maid with the Fishy Scent”: she sold trout by day and claimed virtue by night. A few bachelors nodded knowingly, the maid fled the village in tears.
- “In Manure but Never Alone. Memoirs of a Stableboy”: a long instrumental ballad, featuring unsettling animal sounds imitated by Thaddeus himself. Every stableboy in the village was suddenly side-eyed.
Even in a particularly remote women’s convent, he was beaten out of the chapel after just two verses, with a crutch from the abbess. 101Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUEPyTbG2sf
“The Nun and the Novice” was apparently not an appropriate opening number.
But Thaddeus didn’t give up. “The divine truth,” he said, while tending to his wounds, “demands sacrifices.”
One day, he arrived in the city of Muzzlehaven.101Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQbzblULyjN
The name said it all: speaking required a license, and singing was strictly forbidden.101Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEGa1Jf3alW
The first offense meant a slap. Hard in the face.101Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzLgIoLILof
The second: a stay in the silent dungeon for 2 weeks.101Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡld5nR4SiIe
The third: death by hanging.
Thaddeus knew that. But either way, on that beautiful day he stepped confidently into the market square, tuned his lyre (or pretended to), and began:
“In Muzzlehaven no one speaks101Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWxmNPW8Lcx
for silence is what power seeks101Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC45ImMQoAG
Take heed for the day I sing101Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgKazlP7M1H
truth flies like an arrow’s sting!”
He didn’t get past the second verse. A militia of patrolling silence-guards dragged him away as he loudly protested.
The king of Muzzlehaven, a gaunt and serious man, hadn’t heard open defiance in years. Not surprising, considering everyone kept their mouths shut in fear.101Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGUPwRDYTID
Nonetheless, he was impressed by this small man with too much confidence.
When Thaddeus, from his cell, performed a mocking ballad about the royal bald spot, “Fields of Drought”, the king stopped and listened with furrowed brows. Then when the song ended he looked at Thaddeus with his piercing, way too serious stare. And then, suddenly, he laughed. Loudly. For quite some time.101Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFVlc2ze7ah
Then he shouted, “Bring me this lunatic!”
Just minutes later, Thaddeus stood before the throne. The king examined him like an exotic animal, one eyebrow slightly raised: 101Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBaumwqdsUl
“No one dares tell me the truth. Except you.", he started with a serious tone, almost accusatory, "and only because you can’t help yourself. But how do you always know what’s true?” He leaned forward, his eyes sharp like an eagle, judging, never smiling.
Thaddeus gave a small bow: “The truth is, my king, I don’t know. But I seem to notice what others ignore, simply because I never learned how to lie politely. I seem to notice the things people like to cover with parfume and manners. I'm not a cruel man but I'm also not a liar. I simply do not understand the concept of lying since I was born." 101Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA3CjC1Z7Qb
The king thought for a moment. Then raised his hand.101Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuUrdIREE5A
“Very well then. You alone may speak the truth. Therefore, from now on, I name you as my jester of the court.”
Thaddeus fell to his knees: “I thank you, noble king! I swear to never lie and to always rhyme!” Thaddeus remained kneeling, as if he had just been gloriously knighted rather than legally permitted to irritate everyone for a living.
As the official jester, Thaddeus was allowed to say anything, as long as it rhymed and reflected the truth. He finally got a look that fit him well: a colorful jester hat with bells, even on his shoes. And with him: always his trusted lyre.101Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLTkv5fsxOr
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Within a few weeks, he had uncovered five court conspiracies, how the royal wizard has been selling illegal mushrooms on the side that made you see gods or talking to flaming goats, depending on the dosage, and he made the royal cook cry. Several times. 101Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPKFM41TTpQ
(To be fair, the stew really was too salty, just nobody had the heart to tell her).
The people began to quietly celebrate him. Children repeated his obscene rhymes to the displease of their parents.101Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKvwMBSxnx5
Now as his official status as the minstrel jester of the court, his songs became the conscience of the people; unasked for but utterly necessary. 101Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjm9dvDTHp8
He wrote history as Thaddeus, Divine Fool with a lyre. And more than often, the wisest person in the room.
At the end, after a celebration, during a grand feast, he stood on the table, plunked his lyre and proclaimed:
"Simple jester that I am 101Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1Y2CefcqZ4
my words powerful like a ram 101Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG5YrxPVfH4
If you fear the truth you're not bright101Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaCDWHcGSUE
I bring your dark secrets into the light!"
The crowd cheered and raised their glasses. The king nodded quietly with satisfaction and raised his glass in the name of Thaddeus the Divine Fool. 101Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLGLqGyranl
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And somewhere, in a random stable of Muzzlehaven, a goat bleated peacefully.
