After the amazing Sunday when I got properly stoned for the first time, I didn’t hear from Skye again for more than a week. As usual, I began to feel anxious and wondered whether I’d said something stupid or otherwise embarrassed myself so that she’d decided she didn’t want to be friends after all. I knew I was being paranoid. I could see the pattern of my thinking even back then. And yet I couldn’t control it. Just recognising my paranoia wasn’t enough to overcome it.
Sometimes I felt as though I was split into two people. One was the sensible Amy, who floated above my turbulent thoughts and could see that I was worrying unnecessarily. But then there was the nervous Amy, who couldn’t see anything beyond the certainty that everything was going to go very wrong very soon. The two Amys coexisted within me and neither seemed able to gain the upper hand. I would flit between them, as if switching between channels on a TV screen, without being able to decide which viewpoint was more real.
I thought about calling Skye, but I was too nervous to do it. I didn’t know what I would say to her. How would I explain the fact that I’d dared to contact her when she hadn’t expressly summoned me? I could imagine the awkwardness of the conversation. Skye would ask why I’d phoned her and I would stammer something absurd like, I was just calling to say hi. What sorts of things did cool people say on the phone? What kinds of conversations did they have? I wished I knew.
One day at school that week, I caught sight of Todd Carter across the Quad and suddenly all the old hopeless longing came back to me. I thought I’d managed to stop obsessing about him, especially as I knew that nothing would ever happen between us and that I would never even have the courage to speak to him. But it seemed that I could easily slip back into my old ways at any moment. I’d been thinking that my friendship with Skye was something of a new chapter in my life, but it seemed my previous existence wasn’t going to disappear straight away. Although I’d had a few wild times with Skye and her friends, I still had to go to school. I still had to face people like Joanne Price. I still had to deal with the fact that back at Burnside I remained the old Amy. In the eyes of my classmates, nothing had changed. I hadn’t been transformed.
Eventually, to my relief, I did hear from Skye, although indirectly. Out of the blue, Skye’s friend Becky called me. I was so surprised that I couldn’t place her at first, even when she told me her name.
‘Oh yeah, Becky,’ I finally spluttered. ‘Hi. How’s it going?’
‘Not bad. Skye asked me to call you. We’re meeting up in the Square this Friday night. The usual place.’
‘Oh cool. Near the Cathedral, by that wall?’
‘Yeah.’
‘OK, see you there.’
‘See you.’
I found it strange that Becky, rather than Skye, had called me. It was also weird the way Skye had apparently commanded Becky to do something and Becky had obeyed, as if Skye were her boss.
In any case, that Friday night I was at the wall near the Cathedral at five o’clock. As I expected, this was long before anyone else arrived, but I wanted to be absolutely certain I wouldn’t miss the gang. I waited for a long time before anyone showed up, but I didn’t mind. I felt I finally had a chance of being accepted into a group. What did it matter if I had to hang around in the Square on my own for a while?
Eventually Tanya and a couple of other kids arrived. They said hello in a cursory manner and hardly spoke to me after that. Tanya in particular didn’t seem pleased to see me and cut me off every time I tried to join the conversation. But Becky soon appeared, and she, at least, was prepared to talk to me. As before, conversing with her was easy – she spoke, filling up any silences, and I listened.
Skye was the last of the gang to show up. By then I was in a group with six others, all of whom I recognised from before. I waited expectantly for Skye to say something to me. After all, she’d invited me over to her place – just me and no one else – and had given me a joint for my birthday. I was certain she would want to speak to me. But she completely ignored me. She chatted with Tanya and a few others, but didn’t even look in my direction. She also appeared sullen and didn’t smile once. After a few minutes she declared it was time for us to go.
We shuffled across the Square, caught the bus from the same stop as the last time, and soon arrived at Skye’s place. We sat in the lounge, around the coffee table. Most of the gang smoked cigarettes and Becky offered me one, which I accepted just to fit in.
Skye appeared agitated. She jiggled her leg and scratched the backs of her hands.
‘So,’ she said, addressing the whole group. ‘Who’s got some dope?’
Everyone else went silent and stared at her.
‘Anyone?’ She looked at one of the boys. ‘Darren? You got any?’
Darren shook his head.
‘Well I’ve got nothing either,’ she said. ‘My fuckwit brother didn’t buy any this week. So we’ve got nothing. Fucking nothing.’
The rest of the group looked at their feet as though they were being scolded by a teacher.
‘Fuck’s sake,’ Skye said. ‘Why is it always me who has to get the dope? Why don’t the rest of you ever do anything?’
Tanya sat forward. ‘Come on, Skye. Calm down. It’s not a big deal.’
Skye glowered at her. ‘Not a big deal? It’s fucking boring. That’s what it is. Fucking boring.’
‘You got anything to drink here?’ Darren said.
‘No I haven’t got anything to fucking drink,’ Skye said. ‘Liz hardly ever leaves anything around any more. I suppose I’ll have to go and fucking buy us something, eh?’
‘I’ll go with you,’ Tanya said quickly.
Skye squinted at Tanya. ‘Nah.’ She surveyed the group, like a sergeant-major eyeing her troops. Finally her gaze settled on me. ‘Amy, you can come with me.’
‘It’s OK,’ Darren said. ‘I can go.’
‘No, I’ll be quicker than you,’ Skye said. ‘You take fucking ages.’
Skye demanded everyone hand over whatever money they had and she stuffed this into her pocket. Then I followed her as she marched out the front door, pulling on her jacket. We were both silent as we strode along the footpath. Skye’s annoyance hovered over us like an icy cloud. I didn’t dare speak. I didn’t want to set her off again.
I was surprised at how aggressively she’d spoken to the other members of the group. She hadn’t held back at all. And everyone had put up with it, despite most of them being older than her. Even the two boys – Darren and Karl – had largely stayed silent. I usually thought of boys as being louder and more assertive than girls. But Darren and Karl, it seemed, hadn’t been interested in challenging Skye.
We turned onto Riccarton Road, which was teeming with traffic at this time of night. Cars roared past. A siren wailed in the distance. A carload of boys jeered as they raced by. People milled about outside burger bars and fish-and-chips shops.
After we’d walked a couple of blocks I thought Skye must have calmed down enough for me to speak, so I asked: ‘Where are we going?’
She glared at me. ‘Where do you think we’re fucking going?’
‘I don’t know…’
She stopped and faced me. ‘We’re going to the fucking bottle store. Where else would we be going?’
‘Sorry.’
She sighed and ran her hand through her hair. ‘No. I’m sorry. I’m just pissed off, that’s all. Not with you. It’s the rest of them. They always hang out with me, but I’m always the one who has to sort out the drugs and stuff. Darren does a little bit, but hardly ever. I’m sick of it.’
‘I didn’t realise.’
‘It doesn’t matter. Come on.’
She started marching up the road again and I half ran to keep up with her. At least she seemed calmer now, perhaps because she’d let off some steam. We saw a drunk man stumble out of a bar, walk a few paces and slip over, landing on his backside. We both started giggling. It was a bit cruel to laugh, but the man seemed fine and managed to scramble back to his feet. Skye laughed harder, and this made me laugh even more. Neither of us could stop. We must have looked like a pair of idiots walking along the pavement and cackling hysterically.
Eventually we both managed to get ourselves under control again. Skye grabbed my arm and dragged me across the road, darting between the traffic. On the far side of the street, we reached a bottle store with a small car park out the front.
Skye pointed to a spot near the doors. ‘Over there.’
We stood leaning against the wall of the bottle store. I glanced inside and saw rows of wine bottles and beer cans, all gleaming under the fluorescent lights. Skye and I were, of course, too young to buy alcohol, and we looked too young as well.
‘What are we doing?’ I asked.
‘You’ll see,’ Skye said.
About a minute later an older man walked across the car park, heading towards the bottle store.
Skye approached him. ‘Hey. Could you help me and my friend out?’
The man looked puzzled.
‘Could you buy us some vodka?’ Skye drew a handful of notes out of her pocket. ‘I’ve got the money.’
The man tutted irritably, waved Skye away and pressed on through the sliding doors.
Skye’s face darkened and she turned back to me. ‘Fucking bastard.’
Next a woman in her twenties rushed through the doors. Skye called to her, but she didn’t react and soon disappeared inside. A couple of other men pulled up in a car and were startled when Skye ran over to them. One man dithered and seemed on the verge of agreeing to Skye’s request, but his friend said to him: ‘Forget it.’
Skye spat on the ground, stood beside me again and lit a cigarette. ‘Fucking slow tonight.’
‘How long does it usually take?’ I said.
‘Sometimes just a few minutes. Sometimes longer. There’s usually more people on a Friday night, though.’
We waited around for at least a further five minutes. I could tell Skye was becoming agitated. She paced around and kicked a stone across the car park. She swore to herself under her breath.
‘What is fucking wrong with tonight?’ she said.
She was about to light another cigarette when a man who looked to be in his twenties came loping over to the bottle store.
‘Hey.’ Skye waved at the man. ‘Hey you.’
The man stopped and looked quizzically at me and Skye.
‘Can you buy us some vodka?’ Skye said. ‘I’ve got money.’
The man huffed and shook his head. ‘Fucking kids.’
He went to walk past us, but Skye stepped in front of him. ‘Go on. Just a couple of bottles.’
His eyes flicked up and down her. ‘If I buy you something, what are you going to do for me?’
Skye pulled the money out of her pocket. ‘You can keep a couple of bucks.’
The man grinned. ‘That’s not enough. I need more than that.’
‘Three bucks, then.’
‘It’s not money I’m after.’
Skye’s face twisted with disgust. ‘Fuck off.’
The man shrugged and smirked. ‘OK, then. You can buy your own vodka.’
He went to walk through the doors again, but Skye said: ‘OK.’
‘OK, what?’
‘I’ll show you my tits if you buy us something.’
The man raised his eyebrows and laughed. ‘Fucking hell.’
‘Well, what do you want, then?’
The man looked amused. ‘All right. You’ve got a deal.’
The man took the money from Skye and lumbered into the bottle store. Skye walked back to me and leant against the wall. I was completely shocked and also afraid. What was Skye thinking? Was she really going to show her breasts to this man? And what if he wanted more after that? What if he turned violent? These fears were new to me. I hadn’t been in a similar situation before, but my reaction was almost instinctive.
‘Are you really going to do it?’ I asked Skye. ‘I mean, show him… you know.’
‘What?’ She wrinkled her nose. ‘No!’
‘But won’t he be angry?’
‘I don’t give a fuck.’
Suddenly I wanted to leave. Hanging out with Skye was always a mad adventure, but now things were getting out of hand.
‘Maybe we should go,’ I said.
‘What about our booze?’
‘We could try somewhere else.’
‘We haven’t got any more fucking money. Jesus Amy, get a grip.’
I licked my lips and picked at the cuffs of my denim jacket. I knew that if I left now, I would definitely earn Skye’s scorn. She probably wouldn’t want to be friends any more and I would have proven myself to be a pathetic coward.
I was still debating with myself what to do when the man came strolling out of the bottle store with a twelve-pack of beer under one arm and a bottle of vodka in each hand.
He grinned and handed the bottles to Skye. ‘There you go, girls.’
Skye immediately turned to leave.
‘Wait a minute,’ the man said. ‘We had a deal.’
‘Fuck yourself, you pervert,’ Skye said.
She shoved my arm and we walked steadily away towards the pavement. I was petrified the man would follow us, but all he did was laugh. I looked over my shoulder and saw him chuckling as he strode away in the opposite direction. He didn’t appear angry. All that talk about a ‘deal’ must have been a joke. He’d probably just found it amusing to see how far he could push Skye.
‘Fucking arsehole,’ Skye said.
‘At least we got some vodka,’ I said.
‘Yeah. At least we got that.’
She stopped in the middle of the footpath, opened one of the bottles and took a swig. I was astonished that she was doing this on a busy street, with cars and pedestrians rushing past.
She offered the bottle to me. ‘You want some?’
I laughed, then shrugged. Why not?
I took the bottle and gulped down a mouthful of the burning liquid. It was just another mad night hanging out with Skye.
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