我最終還是走進房間了。
不是因為決心，也不是因為解脫。
我只是突然對那本遺忘內容的日記感到好奇。就像路過廢墟時，人總是忍不住往裡面瞧一眼。
我空著手走進去，無視了那袋「備著的物品」好奇的目光，它們像是房間裡的鄰居，早就搬進來了，只是一直等著我這個房東簽字確認它們的存在。
我邊走邊想，如果我是導演，這時該來一個特寫，拍下我推門時從容的神情。
但實際上，那份從容不過是種誤會。
我帶著像是長官視察的步伐走進去，心裡卻像是被傳喚進董事長辦公室的保安——
只因為他被發現挪用公款買了烤肉用炭。
誰知道呢？搞不好那包炭就是日記董事長的女兒，現在來質問我為什麼一有什麼目的，難道圖謀不軌？
不得不說能成為董事長的人還是有眼光的。
不過我沒理會這些幻想劇情。我坐了下來，翻開了那本日記。
嗯，不疾不徐地翻開了它，畢竟它又不會發現我顫抖的雙手。
「啊……」
日記掉下去了。
那瞬間，不只日記意識到了我的失態，整個房間彷彿也突然有了耳朵、鼻子、眼睛，甚至指甲都在抓癢。
那片刻的沉默裡，我彷彿聽見了房間在說：「你終於回來了喔。」
真是的，我只是手滑，又不是演出團聚戲碼。
我撿起日記，坐在行李箱上繼續看。這個姿勢我小時候練過，叫「逃家失敗式坐姿」，很穩。無他，惟手熟爾。
日記的開頭是我快樂的童年。
當然了，所有人的童年都快樂，因為不快樂的人會主動遺忘那段日子，只有快樂的還會留在筆記裡。
寫的是我小時候怎麼偷偷跑去樓下撿蝸牛，還想開一間蝸牛訓練學院，學費是蘿蔔葉一根。
真有創業精神呀。那時候的我，一心想成為蝸牛界的黃仁勳。
都說成歲月催人老，但是老了不是該隨心所欲不瑜矩嗎？至聖先師騙我？24Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEUom3vaoiU
算了，這不重要。
繼續翻，到了青春期，我變得很叛逆。
不，是求救。
寫日記的我好像在對未來的我發訊號，偷偷藏在字裡行間的錯字、塗改痕跡，甚至是某一頁沒有日期的篇章，都像在說：「快救我。」
可是現在的我看來，那些掙扎也不過就是任性罷了。
就像我現在看昨天的自己，也會覺得太情緒化。
那我怎麼知道今天的我，不也是明天的我眼中的情緒勒索犯？
我翻到了高中那幾頁。
寫得不多，只說「學會了怎麼討人喜歡」。
不記得我當時的目的是什麼了，只知道我變得很好笑、很好聊、很好帶、很好約。
一整個「好」字輩的存在。
然後回到家裡，就躲進房間的棉被裡補充能量，像某種會自己充電的社交電池。
直到有一天，日記寫著我大學第一年的某個下午。
我記得那天下午的陽光不是很刺眼，但很熱，像是懶洋洋地靠著你不走的那種人。
我站在校園的操場邊，不知道在想什麼。
有個學姐經過，拍了我一下肩膀。
她說：「嘿，你不必表現得像其他人一樣，每個人都是『正常』的。」
我當下楞了一下，覺得這句話怪的。
等我轉過頭想問她是什麼意思時，我已經被其他學長姐拉走了。
他們低聲說：「不要理她，她有點『不正常』。」
我站在那裡，突然很想知道「正常」的定義是什麼。
正常是指會笑嗎？還是會寫功課？還是買炭的時候會附帶買一些吐司和烤肉醬？
我開始想，那些告訴我不要和她靠近的人，是不是也曾在某一刻想過要靠近她。
日記，寫到這裡就斷了。
後面幾頁是空白的。彷彿我那時候原本以為還會繼續活著，還會繼續記錄。但後來發現，人生好像不是用來記錄的，是用來撐過去的。
我闔上日記，眼前的房間像一個巨大的舊舞台，這場戲只演了一半，觀眾卻已經散場。
我收起日記，把它塞回抽屜最深處——不是逃避，只是……
我突然發現，我不是為了整理才走進這個房間的。
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我是來打招呼的。和過去的我。
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