JONESTOWN
The children don't deserve to die.
I had hope, I really did have hope, that I would find a heaven for little John and I, but the voice of the proclaimed prophet drowns my pleas for logic and the crowd has been blinded by sermons through sleep and the guns, the guns.
Jones interrupts every word I say. He says to me, 'I can tell you the answer now, because I am a prophet.' And the crowd cheers, and they say that it's over, that I'm a wicked person and that if I want to leave them all so close to glory, I can leave all I want.
I want to leave. This isn't the Jonestown I came here for. But right outside these gates, I'll be met by steel barrels, a gaping abyss from which a steel point will come rising out towards me. I know that they would pull the trigger without a second thought, that the sound of a ringing gunshot will mean nothing to the others.
Jones' eyes on me, the crowd waiting for my response. I don't have the energy to go any further resisting. 'That's all I got to say.'
Jones had been a handsome man, square-set jaw and well defined cheekbones, but not long after Jonestown he had stopped paying attention to his appearance; just a few weeks after settlement, his hair lay matted in patches against his head from dried sweat, and in other places strangled the air around his head, reaching out like the limbs of a monster hiding within that skull. The monster that does hide in there.
The speech continues, and I can't help but cry for Johnny, so sweet and so small. The others give stares of contempt, and they mutter, she is afraid to die. I wish I could tell them how they were so wrong, that I have no fear of the other side - only fear for these strangers surrounding me that had once been my closest friends.
Jones is telling us, they will come from the sky with weapons, they will torture our children and destroy this building. But it's lies that snake their way out of his mouth into the eager ears of the ignorant, and perhaps I am the only one who would see not corrupted government men, but angels descending with parachutes and uniforms.821Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFCUB9hafnC
‘Please, please, can we hasten, can we hasten the medication… the congressman is dead, there’s nothing we can do now…’, people surging slowly, a wave of flesh pushing me and Johnny forward and I’m drowning in it, my child not knowing what’s going on, little Johnny pulling at my hand like a weight I can no longer carry.821Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWP7e7joLSd
And they have the drink, purple liquid sloshing around in the tubs they carry, and cups in hand, ready to give out the fatal dose. They’re coming, they’re coming for him but I can’t let him go I can’t – ‘MAMA!’ – and then, weightless.821Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKtxl2ypbTl
Floating alone, the taste of bitter almonds and grapes in my mouth.821Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU7Nq0zxxbs
‘Please, please, there’s nothing to cry about… it’s not to be feared.’821Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRQMOvjmvDS
Floating. The children are crying…
~
The congressman has to die.821Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw2hcnZ4Zl4
He and the traitors, I’ll shoot them, I know I will.821Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDqmSdOYChA
‘I want to leave too.’ The traitors pass side eyes and worried murmurs but it’s too late for them now. I’m coming with them.821Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1oDrDJ5Bbx
‘Very well.’ The congressman, with his manners and suits and words, all lies, all lies!821Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0V8KDCuxiW
I’m repulsed by the filth of the people I get into the truck with. You can smell it inside them – the filth of an unloyal, a weak and cowardly piece of meat that deserves no place in Jonestown.821Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbJ5uOwYNxY
I make sure to sit at the front of the truck. It’ll be easier then – in a single movement, I will draw the sharpened blade from my pocket and it will seek out the evil and stop it from destroying this holy place.821Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2tot4o5uaG
The trees begin thinning out as if the forest itself can’t bear to come near the airfield – a feeling I share. It’ll be quick, I tell myself, and Mr. Ryan will be dead.821Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFy8G6SCMIu
snitch821Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxWNiAFNRs5
swish821Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxJ3vk7M7Oq
hick821Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGsXs8MppBK
umph821Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR55Ws1fbCk
The taste of old soil and pungent rainwater fill my mouth. I’ve failed Jones, I know I have.821Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqN3j5Y7iWO
‘…file a criminal complaint. I’ll take the others to the airstrip.’ Words, all lies, all lies!821Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4Pdr3gYeKX
Disgraceful. Metal wrapped around my arms, lodged against a trunk, jagged wood against my cheek. This other man thinks he is so superior, but when he dies, Jjara will punish him. Jjara will reward me for my good deeds, and he will reward Larry as well – this man, so clever, doesn’t know that there is another chance for me, rolling along wheels with the congressman. I will wait.821Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJI50QpQvmz
I close my eyes and count. One… two… three…
The sound of the man writing on a piece of paper.821Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUvHnyYnzzH
Ninety six… ninety seven…821Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0DYQP9jufg
Four hundred and fifty eight…821Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡusKMZM7pVl
The sound of a plane landing nearby.821Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6tfDOzUf6x
Four hundred and eighty four…821Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhCn7rcMZjo
The sound of gunshots.821Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWjWna7IKXn
The man starts, and I lash out with my leg, the man falling so clumsily in that suit of his with a ‘Eruh!’ that betrays all his fancy accents and musings.821Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4yhKvvGOck
Another kick. Another kick. The man is so weak without words, and the sounds stop eventually.821Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZhi1ETEHsK
One thousand eight hundred and thirty two.821Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ20aIuTCBKW
The plane hasn’t left. The traitors will never make it back to America.821Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwFfTxYbZTi
Jjara smiles upon this day;821Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡANYoWYIT2L
The congressman is dead.821Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhYunk4pBgY
Counting, counting.821Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw7Z6qcari6
Twenty two thousand…821Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGIOf4JlwnW
Forty seven thousand…
~
I am ready to die.821Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW664yV3J7S
‘I can tell you the answer now, because I am a prophet!’ I cheer with the others. Jones is a nice man. He has worked so very hard for us, and the woman is ungrateful for wanting to leave. This place, everything… it couldn’t have happened without the wonderful person standing in front of me.821Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvfDFwn6tFQ
‘Do you think I would put John’s life above the others? If I put John’s life above the others I wouldn’t be standing with Jjara. He’s no different to me than any of the others here. He’s just one of my children.’ Jones loves us all the same, you know, and that’s what made me come here; black living with white, all sisters and brothers in unity here. Jonestown gave what America could not.821Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ746cTUMcCr
I move forward with Ted in my arms, careful not to push forward too fast. Ted was the sweetest child; and even now, he’s not crying like the others.821Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZRMDsWhlPF
I clear my throat. ‘I just want to say something to everyone that I see that is standing around and are crying. This is nothing to cry about. This is something we should all rejoice about.’ Ted gurgles lightly at the sound of my voice and I hug him close to my chest. ‘I’ve been here one year and nine months and I never felt better in my life. Not in San Francisco, but until I came to Jonestown. I enjoy this life. I had a beautiful life. I don’t see nothing that I should be crying about. We should be happy.’ And they are cheering, clapping for me and I smile at all my sisters and brothers, and Jones’ smile at me brings such joy I know Ted can feel, beating from my heart into his, so small and so close.821Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCu3bT10mSu
‘I want to do it.’ I say to the man with the cup. He gives it to me, a simple plastic thing but simple is all we ever needed in life, isn’t it? It’s enough for Jonestown.821Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdqyrJ5hEK5
‘Now, now, Ted…’ I gently pour the child’s drink into his mouth, pausing for every swallow and breath. Once the cup is empty, just a small stain of purple at the bottom, I take my own – a sweet and bitter taste at once, like an aged and nutty wine.821Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBMYW7sRzPY
I lay down on the floor, calming words from Jones passing in one ear and out the other – the details don’t matter, just the soothing effect, and Teddy coos gently as I pat his head.821Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhbePRzByKq
And – I don’t know if it’s the hallelujah of my brothers and sisters rising in exultation, or if it is the sweet melodious voice of Jjara himself – but I can hear the most beautiful harmony of song, a brilliant cascade of music resonating through the skies – ‘Listen, Teddy!’ Such a sweet child, he is. ‘Can’t you hear the singing?’821Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡszbsRf0jnu
I’m floating, now, rising into a spiral of stars where I’ll find for me and Ted what I came here for – peace, peace, and below me, the Jonestown trees shatter and scatter, just a kaleidoscope of leaves that once resembled a landscape being blown away until nothing is left but the view of distant galaxies and the warmth of my child.821Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqThvgG7dEL
The voice of a good man echoes softly;821Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡccoXRZW7ou
‘…you set 1000 people who say ‘We don’t like the way the world is’… I don’t know how in the world they’re gonna write about us. It’s just too late…’821Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ18o5KgWlSD
Floating.
