"Mom, Dad, I'd like you both to meet my boyfriend. Cal, come here!" said Jane.

Cal shuffled into the room, hands in his pockets. "Hey," he said, sullenly.

Jane's father smirked. "You don't look thrilled to be here. Hell, I don't even really want to be here!" He barked out a laugh.

"Don't get the wrong idea," said Cal, cracking a smile. "It's great to meet Jane's parents. It's just... I don't really celebrate Christmas."

"Oh. Are you Jewish? Or an atheist?" said Jane's mom, smiling politely.

"Or are you a devil worshipper?" said Jane's dad, grinning. "I hear they're trying to open a temple downtown!"

"Actually, that's pretty close," said Cal. "My full name is Kalshazzak, I was actually born from the fires of Hell. I just look like a human right now." He shrugged. "Kinda a long story."

Jane's parents stared at him. Her mother looked confused, her father slightly amused.

"Is... Is that so?" said her mom.

"Don't worry, I'm harmless," said Cal with a wink.

"He's telling the truth, and he even said he'll leave the room when we say grace!"

Jane took Cal by the arm. "C'mon hun, I'll introduce you to the cousins."

Jane's father squinted. "Kid's got a pretty geeky sense of humor."

"Hush," said Jane's mom. "She just turned thirty four, and she likes him a lot. I want grandchildren."

***

The family sat at the dinner table. Aunts, uncles, grandparents and cousins all circled around the table, picking apart a turkey.

"So Cal, what do you do?" said Jane's father.

"Well I have a part time gig ferrying the souls of the damned down to the underworld... Other than that I don't work too much. I don't need to eat since I'm immortal, so I don't need a ton of cash."

"I...see. But what do you do about rent?"

"Oh, I've been living with Jane," said Cal. "Rent's no problem."

Jane's father blinked at him.

"Jane, you forgot to mention that part," her father said through his teeth.

"Oh! Yeah, it's just for a little while," she said. "Unless..." she giggled.

"Well Cal, what do you do all day?" said Jane's mom. "Do you have any hobbies?"

"I mean, sometimes I torture the neighbor's cat, other times I go out and scare old folks in the nursing home."

"Oh, and I do a lot of drugs," he added.

"Maybe it's time for dessert," said Jane's mother quickly.

***

After dessert, the family began to go their separate ways. Relatives kissed goodbye, and the sound of car doors slamming could be heard on the street below. Cal, Jane, and Jane's parents were left alone in the kitchen.

Jane and her mom began washing dishes, while her father leaned against the table and cracked another beer.

"You know Cal, I don't like you very much," he said.

"Dad!" said Jane.

"I dunno how you convinced our daughter to date you, but I have a feeling that I don't want to know."

"I mean, it was simple," said Cal. "We ate some mushrooms and I promised her that I would make her the eternal Queen of Hell. Immortality, you know?"

"I think you'd better leave," said Jane's mom.

***

Kalshazzak cracked his whip and struck down a rogue spirit trying to climb out of his flaming grave.

"You mean they really didn't believe you?" said Baropheles. He had three mouths; he spoke with the mouth to the left. The center and rightmost mouths were used for eating and... less sanitary pursuits, respectively.

"They thought I was just some human loser," said Kalshazzak with a shrug.

"Yeah, but did you explain your situation? You should have shed your human skin mask right then and there," said Alhanael, stretching his mangy black wings. He idly kicked at a damned soul, chuckling at the agonized scream he elicited.

"You're right, but instead I just tried being... polite." He shuddered. "I've heard that humans actually like that, but it was a big mistake. Maybe they just didn't think I was good enough for her. I haven't seen Jane in like three days, I'm going crazy!" said Kalshazzak.

"They really didn't want her to become immortal?" said Baropheles. "That seems like irresponsible parenting. What parent forces their child to die someday?"

"Besides the fact that they made you go to a Christmas party! That goes against... Like... Literally everything we stand for," said Alhanael.

"I know, I know. I did it for Jane," said Kalshazzak sullenly.

"Damn, if it can make a demon celebrate Christmas I gotta find myself some primo human ass!" said Baropheles.

Alhanael laughed and gave Baropheles a high five.

"Fuck you guys," said Kalshazzak.