我和鄰居大姐姐的故事（已完結） - 四百四十五

四百四十五

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我最後送左淇淇返屋企之後都冇深究到究竟佢真係唔舒服？定係有唔開心？

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而家諗返其實我係應該要搞清楚，唔係當佢病左送佢返屋企上床休息就算。

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就係因為我當時唔了解佢既心情，先令到我同佢既關係更加複雜。如果我一早知道佢既諗法，或者可以更適當咁解決左我地之間既問題。

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不過……

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我地既問題，講到底都係因為我自己太唔成熟去開始一段關係所致……

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之後兩個星期，每當我自己得返一個人既時候，就好似精神分裂咁有兩把聲響度同我講野。

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一把聲叫我面對返自己既心意，問我用水泡既心態同淇淇一齊係咪真係好呢？我自己係咪真係覺得開心？

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不如趁而家大家關係未咁深既時候分開，咁對大家都好。

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但同一時間又會有另一把聲走出黎，問我係咪咁忍心咁殘忍對自己既救命恩人？我應承過之後要照顧返佢架嘛。

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更何況，果陣雖然係淇淇同我表白，但佢都話唔期待我有咩回覆，係我自己想報恩而應承同佢一齊啫。

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所以責任在我，我點可以就咁同佢分手一走了之呢？

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響呢一段時間，我都有時時刻刻記住鄭穎琳同大表姐同我提過我既表情問題，亦都有刻意留意自己都淇淇仲有其他朋友相處既時候自己既表情係點，結果……

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「喂球星！」阿必小息既時候走過黎同傾計。

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「咩事？」

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唔好皺眉…唔好皺眉…

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要保持笑容…要保持笑容…

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「出現喇！」阿必突然好誇張咁指住我大叫，結果有半班都擰過黎望住我地。

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「乜撚啊？」雖然係質問白卡必，但都唔可以皺眉…要保持笑容…

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「智障式笑容啊！」阿必繼續誇張咁鳩叫：「從來冇諗過球星你會成日笑笑口咁架！」

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屌吖，我成日話鳩阿必露出既係白卡式笑容，估唔到今日我比佢話返智障！

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望住我地食花生既同學都忍唔住偷笑起黎。

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「妖，食屎喇你。」我忍唔住了。

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不過……

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我真係咁刻意咩？

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「喂，你呢排成日咁笑真係好核突。你不如黑返面算喇，黑面先係球星黎架嘛。」

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……

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似乎我真係太造作了。

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淇淇會唔會同一個感覺？

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「如果你有事想搵人傾下既咪搵我囉。」阿必笑道：「我實聽架喎。」

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「妖。」

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不過，我都多謝阿必咁關心我既。

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我越黎越覺得唔知點面對淇淇。

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淇淇其實依然係對我好好，一百分滿分佢起碼有一百二十分。

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返學放學接送、一齊食飯、陪我去物理治療，甚至乎做埋我既補習老師教我溫書做功課……

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佢明明係一個外向既人，除左阿儀同忍者欣之外仲有好多朋友，但同左我一齊之後佢成個世界就好似以我為中心咁，除左果次黃社聖誕party之外，佢真係冇約過佢其他朋友咁滯。

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況且……

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最重要既……

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係我清楚明白自己心入面有另一個人……

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佢響我心入面既位置係遠遠高過淇淇既……

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所以……佢對越好，我心入面越有種抗拒感同內疚甚至係壓力。

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「淇淇。」終於有一日我忍唔住響佢晨早黎到我屋企諗住陪我一齊返學時我同佢講：「其實我隻腳已經好返唔少，可以自己一個人返學架喇，妳唔駛日日咁早起身咁辛苦特登過黎接我吖。」

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「唔辛苦啊。」淇淇向我甜甜一笑：「可以早啲見到你喎。」

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「我驚妳攰咋。」我繼續勸佢：「況且我地日日都會響學校見面架喇，一陣妳好似上次咁唔舒服就大件事喇。」

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「上次我其實冇乜野啊…」

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「或者我地約埋響巴士站等？」見淇淇咁堅持，我唯有退而求其次……

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其實咁樣既話淇淇一樣都係要搭一個站地鐵黎到我屋企附近先，然後先響巴士站等。

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「咁……好喇。」淇淇應該唔係好願意。

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但諷刺地，我心入面竟然不由自主咁鬆左一口氣。

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呢種感覺，係由心而發，係我內心既感受，呃唔到自己。

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然後……以此為開端……

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我開始用各種唔同既理由例如驚淇淇辛苦、唔想影響淇淇正常生活、驚比人話佢重色輕友等等，力勸淇淇唔好將佢既生活重心放晒響我身上。

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就好似……

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好似……

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好似要為同佢分手而鋪路一樣。

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（待續）

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四百四十五

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