We giggled like little children at things that weren't even funny as we sat on the floor, our drunken minds projecting images that made us fall into laughing fits repeatedly. My eyes traveled to his face, only to find that his chocolate ones found mine long before I realized.
Butterflies danced in my stomach as I stared into his beautiful face, soft hints of happiness displayed before me: from few crinkles around his eyes, to the hint of the smile that lingered on his full lips. His gaze was so intense and magnificent, and made me feel like I was lifted upwards, all the way to the Sun and left there before that blazing ball of fire, left in the sweet misery.
I was in constant conflict when it came to Nathan. My heart wanted to admit that those butterflies had never even abandoned their place in my stomach, and yet my brain fought ferociously, reminding me about the way he'd hurt me.
But before the internal debate between my heart and brain had time to settle down, Nathan was slowly approaching. His eyes flickered from my lips to my eyes, his head advancing ever so slowly towards my own as if he was silently asking me for permission.
I suppose he took my paralyzed state and silence as a positive answer, for I noticed his lips stretching into small smile before I felt them against my own. And when our mouths collided, it was like tsunami and tornado joined their forces together, dancing in pair and wrecking havoc with their hurried routine.
But God, what a lovely havoc it was.
He kissed me with so much fervor that my breath was knocked out of my lungs, and when I gasped in need of oxygen he used it and slipped his tongue to taste my own. The greedy way his tongue fought with mine was overwhelming and before I knew what was going on he sneaked his arms around me and pulled me on his lap.
My hands flew to his hair and he mimicked my action, and I almost moaned when he pulled my hair a little. Perhaps I did, judging by the way he groaned underneath my lips and rushed his hands all over my body.
It was as we had been stranded in a dessert for long time and have finally stumbled upon an oasis. The need and greed we were kissing each other with could only be compared with that one of a dehydrated man on a brink of death, eager to taste heavenly liquor we call water.
His mouth left my lips and traveled towards my neck, leaving burning traces of fire on his way and I rolled my head back in ecstasy. He murmured something against my skin, his lips vibrated on my neck but I wasn't able to understand anything until he softly whispered into my ear,
"I missed you," he paused, capturing my earlobe in between his teeth. This time, I was sure I moaned out loud. "My God, Kat I missed you so fucking much."
I missed him too, so so much. No words could explain the aching I felt this year and a half, the yearning that grew inside of me like a volcano. It was like screaming, but no sound was coming from my mouth, it was as if I was standing on top of the cliff unsure of what I'm supposed to do or want.
But as he crushed his lips against my own again, I instantly knew. It was him I always wanted, it was him that could put me through the roller coaster of feelings, and I was finally free. He liberated me, he gave sound to my screaming and he pushed me from the cliff only after he gave me wings.
"I'm so sorry, baby," he murmured against my lips, "I'm so sorry for everything."
And just like that, all the memories came back to me. The rejection, the pain that slowly ate through my insides, the hurt my heart seemed cocooned into. The roller coaster dropped and dropped, walls closed in on me and my wings disappeared. I crashed to the ground with such velocity I could feel physical pain and with last ounce of strength I was left with I pushed him away and scrambled back like he was a wild animal.
He looked as disheveled as one.
Nathan's hair was messy art my hands molded just seconds ago, cheeks slightly red and lips swollen. His eyes were widened in surprise, and he stared at me probably trying to grasp what happened.
My head whipped to the left in instant, my eyes protesting against seeing him in that state. He didn't deserve it, the chance to see the pain I was sure was evident in my eyes for this item, I had no will nor strength to mask it.
I wanted him to disappear, or me for that matter. It didn't matter, as long as his eyes stop burning my body and disabled me from breathing properly.
"Did I do something wrong?" I heard him say, a sincere curiosity lingering in his words. "Was it something I said?"
Not able to utter a word, I did what I know best. Imagining myself somewhere else, imagining the incident just transpired hadn't even happened should make my heart lighter, though I came to a devastating conclusion that this time even the denial was a ship that sank.
It seemed to me that for the first time in months everything that was crushing my soul was real. The pain was palpable, it felt as if I was to listen close enough I could hear my heart breaking through the paste I used to glue it and crumbling again. Like falling on a same bruise over and over again, the mark became permanent.
"Kat, talk to me," Nathan tried again, shifting and shuffling until I felt him pressed against me once again. A hand came into my vision, softly brushing over my cheek until it turned my face to the right and I was eye to eye with the heart wrecker again.
"I'm trying, Kat," he whispered, eyes pleading for me to believe him. The regret that swam in them could be overwhelming if I suddenly haven't felt tired. So immensely, overwhelmingly tired. "The last year and a half I spent in self destruction. You were like my own personal ghost, like a shadow I could never ran away from. Each new town I went to would be a shelter just for a while, until you came along and I started seeing you in places I wasn't supposed to. It was ridiculous, improbable, and yet there were you. In every smiling girl, in every sunflower I saw, in the Sun, amongst the stars. It took me a lot of running and hiding until I realized there's no escaping you."
"So you came back to punish me?" I accused, my voice steady and calm. Deprived of emotions, so sinister that Nathan's face contorted into a frown as if stung.
"I came back because I'm a selfish fucking bastard -"
"You are."
"- who couldn't stand being away from you and decided to stop punishing himself. I came back to tell you to you don't need to hate me, for I already got that covered myself. I came back to explain why I did what I did. I came back to try and salvage the only thing that is worth salvaging in my fucking life."
If there was something I knew about Nathan is that he wasn't a liar. Moreover, he despised lies above anything. Every word he uttered was true, it was soaked in so much emotions he was physically drained. Even after he broke my soul, even after he caused me months of bleeding heart I knew he spoke only truth.
However, it was a truth I couldn't believe in.
"I'm not an whiteboard, Nathan. My heart is not a place where you can just erase everything you did wrong and start over," I stared, boring into his orbs that fell with each word I said. His hand that was still on my cheek slipped down and fell into my lap, loosely intertwining with my own. But his gaze never wavered from my own. "The thing is, there is nothing to salvage anymore. You broke me that night, Nathan, you shredded my soul into little pieces and left it for wind to disperse. I worked so damn hard to pick myself up, and to this day some parts of me are still lost. I just can't. .."
"I know I hurt you," he immediately retorted, his voice broken. The will he had was admire worthy on some level, but still I felt my head shaking, silently pleading for him to stop. Nevertheless, he continued, ''Everything without you is like a black and white photo of firework."
''Please, just don't.''
Nathan reached out his hand and gently grasped my chin, turning my head towards him. His eyes glistened with unshed tears, with unspoken emotions that lingered in the corner; his mouth twitched up a bit, but his smile was more out of habit rather than a true reflection of his inner feelings. He took my hand into his and slowly brought it towards his mouth, placing a gentle kiss in the middle of my palm.
''Silly girl, I'll never allow our story to finish with 'it could have been'.''
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