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後來我和夢婷簡單的道了別就獨自走在路上前往返家的旅途,夜幕已經降臨,如同我的心內心一般,變得愈加不堪,路上的電燈映照著我疲憊而落魄的背影,曾幾何時,我如同這樣的落魄過呢?,我不禁回想起了以前的時光,我還沒變得像過街老鼠一般,人人喊打的時候,不過回憶起從前,就會發現如今自己是多麼的可悲,渺小,唯一的慰藉也只是想著那些比自己更加殘缺的傢伙們了吧。
「我回來了。」
我的疲憊的說著,一個人影坐在客廳看著電視邊揮手喊著。
「你回來了啊,小弟,飯在桌上,冷的話自己熱一下哦。」
「喔。」
「唉,你還是一樣啊。」
「妳在講一次。」
「好啦,不要生氣,你很奇怪欸。」
「閉嘴。」
「好咩。」
我邊吃飯邊思索著,究竟為什麼會變這樣子呢?還是別想了吧,越想越氣。
「我上去睡覺了。」
「要不要姐姐陪你睡啊。」
「不需要,謝謝。」
「你真的很冷淡欸。」
「謝謝誇獎。」
我諷刺完她後整個人撲倒在床上,想著今天的一切,越想越不對勁,究竟夢婷到底有什麼秘密,為什麼要瞞著我,我真的那麼不好相處嗎?如果不好相處為什麼她又會把IG給我,到底,到底,我內心接近吶喊的叫著,我突然感到眼前變得模糊,怎麼會,怎麼會,我怎麼會哭,我已經多久沒這樣哭過了,我真的,我….啊啊~~,我已經接近崩潰了,我突然聽到了急促的腳步聲,我趕緊擦乾眼淚,躲進了被窩裏頭,此時開門聲響起。
「弟弟你怎麼啦。」
「沒,沒事啊。」
由於哭的關係,我的聲音顯得哽咽。
「別胡說,過來,怎麼了,跟姐姐講啊,姐姐會聽你說的。」
雖然平常極其討厭她,但是在我脆弱的時候,她還是會發自姐姐的本能保護著我,這可能也是我唯一喜歡她的優點了吧,於是我忍不住了,跳進了她的懷裡,大聲的哭喊著。
「好啦,別哭了,你啊平時裝的高冷,內心怎樣我還是很懂的,有事姐姐隨時可以聽你講啊,哭吧,沒關係的。」
「我真的忍了好久啊~~。」
我的哭喊聲逐漸變小,因為我已經精疲力竭了,實在過於疲憊,我失去了意識。
***
我今天到底怎麼了,平常不會露那麼多的破綻的啊,小光會不會已經開始懷疑我了啊,我到底在幹嘛啊,我看著浴室中的蓮蓬頭邊思索著,最後到底幹嘛問他那句話啊,到底在幹嘛!我來這邊不是想讓以前的事再度發生欸,不行,以後面對小光,我要冷靜,我要冷靜,唉。
***
隔天一早,掀開棉被,看著時鐘,已經十點了,我大喊著叫她。
「喂,妳怎麼沒叫我起床啊!今天要上課欸。」
「我怕妳太累所以就幫你請病假了。」
「哦。」
我邊閃躲著刺眼的太陽一邊睡眼惺忪的思索著昨天到底發生了什麼事。
「啊~~~~~」
「小弟你又怎麼了?」
「我..我昨天太丟臉了吧。」
我掩著臉邊講著。
「蛤,哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈~」
我看著她原本想憋笑,但她沒憋住大聲的笑了出來。
「笑屁啊。」
「沒有啊,就覺得很好笑!」
他摸著肚子邊講著。
「哪裡好笑?」
我激動的問著她。
「就很像那種偶像劇裡面的小奶狗哭著依靠到大姐姐的懷裡一樣啊,哈哈哈哈哈!」
我本來想講『你他O的是沒看到如有雷同,純屬巧合這八個字嗎?』但是又想到如果我爆粗口會被她打的話就孬孬的打了退堂鼓。
「沒救了。」
蹦,我用力甩了門,並上了鎖,又跑回我那熟悉的小窩了,真的不知道她在發什麼神經欸。
***
昨天晚上。
小弟真的那麼討厭我嗎?看著她那麼撕心裂肺的樣子,我也難免的傷心了起來,我並竟還是她的親姐姐啊,爸媽長年在外,根本沒關心過我們,也只知道每個月記生活費過來而已,到底還會幹嘛啊,或許,我以前真的對小弟太凶了,現在想對小弟好,又被他當作是在阿諛,我到底什麼時後才能跟小弟修復好關係啊,看著在懷中小弟的臉,我也忍俊不禁的留了一滴眼淚,算了,別想這些,明天幫他請病假好了,不然小弟應該會更疲憊吧,至少先把那件事藏住吧。
***
『欸,小光,你在嗎?、我有對你做過什麼嗎?、你到底還想怎樣!、我們就這樣了吧,再見。不要啊。』
『你想過你自己犯過的錯誤嗎?』
「誰!?」
「唉,又是夢啊,到底還要重複過多少次才肯罷休啊。」
我拿起時鐘看了看,現在是午夜時分,夜深人靜的時刻,我卻被噩夢驚醒了,看來我一定睡不著了啊,真是夠可悲的我。
於是,無聊的我,拿起了手機玩弄。
「咦,夢婷傳簡訊給我?而且是,十分鐘前!」
我趕緊回她訊息。
[光譽,你睡了嗎?]
[還沒,怎麼了嗎?]
我回覆了她,並等了五分鐘,可聊天室依然沒任何變動,此時,鈴聲響起。
[我睡不著欸。]
[我也是,剛剛才起來的。]
[會不會是我吵到你了啊。]
[才不是呢。]
[那就好。]
[你怎麼了嗎?怎麼會睡不著。]
[沒有啦,我想問你一個問題。]
[什麼問題?]
[為什麼班上的人都要排擠你啊?對了,你不想可以不必講哦。]
[不會啦,呃,這個嘛,要從四年前講起。]
那時一切都還很正常,唯一不同的是,我有一個從小一起長到大的青梅竹馬,大我一歲,常常保護著我,國中放學時經常和她走在一起,可惜,我那時還不知道什麼是愛情,愛情為何物,什麼能稱作喜歡,就在一天下午,我清晰的記得,那天是四月五號,星期三,下午五點,天色逐漸暗了下來,那個地方的氣候宜人,每天放學都看的到美麗的杜鵑花,鄉間的街道,就算是獨自走在路中央也不會被車攔住,可就是如此剛好,如此剛好。
「啊,小雨,我的鑰匙圈滾過去了,幫我撿一下好嗎?」
「嗯嗯。」
碰,我聽到那個聲音,我就知道大事不妙,我當下抱著她的身體痛哭了起來,路人連忙打給了救護車,但,當時我聽不見一切的軒雜,影像也是模糊的,記憶也是模糊的,感覺暈倒似的,那聲『嗯嗯』成了我聽見她的最後一聲聲音,我是多麼的懊惱,後悔不堪啊,過了幾個禮拜由於悲傷過度,我患上了憂鬱症,我每天都去醫院看望小雨,可她終究沒醒過,她的母親獨自撫養她,但她卻不怪我,我是多麼的抱歉啊,如果可以犧牲我的性命拯救小雨的話,我絕對會絲毫不猶豫的拯救她,當時,如果是我去見就好了,如果是我。
我打著字,眼眶又不禁紅了起來,想起她的臉龐,她的家居,她的一切。
「當時沒愛上她,真是太可惜了。」
對不起…對不起啊,雨婷。
又過了幾個禮拜我們家就搬走了,爸媽應該是想讓我離開這個傷心之地,試著擺脫憂鬱吧,可是在我看來,完全無效啊,我的性格從此變得孤僻,怪異,接著,就被排擠了,重點是:我不知道小雨現在變得如何,希望她能醒過來。
[就是這樣,這就是我的過去。]
[對不起,肯定讓你傷心了吧!]
[沒事的,妳和班上的那些人不一樣。]
[?]
[我看過太多混蛋了,我分的出來誰是黑的,誰是白的。]
[光譽,有事一定要跟我講哦,我會聽的。]
等等…以前小雨也很常和我講這句話呢,『小光,有事一定要講哦,我會聽的。』
過了五分鐘,腦袋不停的重複著那句話。
[光譽怎麼了?]
我過神來,發現夢婷還在等我回她。
[沒事,覺得你長得和她很像,而且又想起她很喜歡唱歌,常常寫歌給我聽。]
[這樣啊。]
[嗯,我要睡了,明天還得上課,順便思考一些事。]
[嗯嗯,不要做一些傻事哦。]
[不會的,晚安。]
[晚安。]
***
這樣啊。
原來是這樣嗎?
他還是沒變呀。
今天5月10號。
還有一年。
加油。
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***
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