Overlord
by Alvin Atwater
I
“No, no, no, you imbecile,” I growled. “Move the statue to the left.”
“Yes sire,” my henchman said. He carefully lifted the amazing statue of me and moved it in the opposite direction. I sighed. Man was it hard to be a famous dark overlord these days. It’s not that easy ordering around imps that only had about half a brain. Seriously –this was tiring. I slowly stood up from my golden chair and gazed into the crystal ball that floated three feet ahead of me. The hero, Luke, currently battled my dragon.
“Come on –give him a good kick. No, move to the left –Crap –roast him! Roast him!”
I spat when I saw the sword of the hero hack off the head of my pet. “That figures.” I brushed the dust from my cloak and stormed out of my throne room. My chef rushed over to me as I trailed down the hall.
“Sire, sire –you must try this.” He showed me a dish with a thing on it that looked like a fried rat.
“Urgh –what the heck is this?” I asked.
“Stewed demon’s gluteus maximus,” he answered. My eyes widened as I smacked the plate out of his hand. It smashed into pieces when it hit the ground.
“Are you trying to kill me?” I sneered. “Guards! Execution!”
“Wait sire, please! Forgive me –I won’t do it again!”
I halted the guards with a single hand signal. “This is your last chance. Don’t ruin my appetite again –or otherwise,” I paused and stepped on a shard of the broken plate. It melted into dust.
“Yes sire,” whined my impish chef. He kneeled. I sighed and continued down the hall and into the front room. I snapped my fingers. Three trolls presented themselves before me.
“Alright, you balls of donkey waste,” I yelled. “I want the hero dead! Understand?” I do admit, I sounded like a drill sergeant there, but that only toughened them up. I housed no wimps.
“Yes sire,” they said.
“Now move out and remember, if you fail me, don’t bother coming back.”
That was probably going to be the last time I ever hear from those idiots.
II
I stepped outside the castle and gazed into the sky. Dark clouds hovered above. I grunted. Those same clouds floated around my castle for many years, creating pointless lightning storms whenever a human was nearby. I leapt to the rooftop and observed the area below. The guards remained still like statues. Morons.
“Well, everything looks quite secure,” I said. “I guess I –”
“Moltar, your time is up!”
That familiar voice rang through my ears like the sound of a rotten flute. The hero, Luke, stood below with his sword pointed at me. I shook my head.
“It seems my moronic trolls have failed. No surprise there. But listen, fairy tale, you’re trespassing on private property. Get out or I’ll have you arrested.”
The hero’s eyes widened. “You’re the –man… dark lords sure aren’t the way they used to be.”
I smirked. “Say what you want kid, but I’m just saving time and money.” More like annoying him.
Luke grunted. “Come on –get down here!”
“Guards, stop standing there and take care of this nuisance,” I said.
“Yes sire!” My idiot guards charged at Luke and well, let’s just say they didn’t have a happy ending. It’s a pity though. I trained those imbeciles for years and in return, they slacked off.
“Is that all you have, Moltar? If so, could you please save yourself some time and just get down here.”
I wasn’t finished just yet. Like every powerful dark lord, I had a secret weapon. They came in handy quite well actually. Of course, we dark lords didn’t make them from scratch –a simple purchase from the black market always did the trick.
“It’s not over yet kid,” I said. “Witness my ultimate weapon. The triple headed red dragon of doom!” Brilliant name isn’t it? It takes true genius to come with something like that.
I snapped my fingers.
Right on cue, a giant three-headed dragon with bright red scales screeched as it soared from the sky and landed several feet in front of Luke.
Luke sighed. “You can’t make this any easier can you?”
“You’ve got to be kidding me,” I said. “Do you really think you can still win?”
He grinned.
III
“Attack!” I yelled. My three-headed weapon, which I’ll just call Drago, unleashed enormous fire blasts. Luke rolled out of the path of each one and then charged after him. Drago better win. I spent five million gold for him, I thought.
Drago attempted to stomp on Luke, but missed. The distance between them was now two feet. Then I saw it: the flash of Luke’s blade slicing my weapon’s leg. Then more slashes –each time, a body part fell to the ground, until finally, Drago was nothing more than dragon pieces.
“No! You’re kidding me right –that cost me a lot money. What a rip-off.”
Luke laughed. “I have a gift for making people –mainly scumbags –waste their money. Now are you going to surrender or what? I’ve got a date with the princess.”
“What? Listen kid, apparently you’ve got the wrong overlord. I stole a giant gemstone. The princess isn’t even on this week’s schedule.”
Luke face palmed. “Oh crap… she probably took another walk and the king overreacted…again. Ah well, it doesn’t matter. I’ve traveled all this way –I guess I’ll take another hero’s job and rescue the gemstone instead.” What a bumbling idiot. At this point, he started to bore me.
“Oh really?” I challenged. “Well, let’s see how you handle yourself against me!” I pulled my sword from its sheath.
“The demon sword,” Luke pointed out the obvious.
“Yes, numbskull, it’s the demon sword. Big deal. Now prepare yourself.” Should I have done the usual “muwahahaha” at the end of my sentence? Nah… too classical.
IV
I leapt from the rooftop to the ground. Luke charged at me. Our blades collided. Ping! Ping! Ping! It was the same sound over and over again, for several blows. I decided to try something different. I leapt back to the top of my castle.
“Hey, get back here,” Luke yelled. I chuckled. Let’s try using some of the demon sword’s powers, I thought. And that’s what I did. The blade glowed, as a sign that it was charging some special ability. The glowing eventually ceased and then vibrated rapidly as a sign that it fully charged. I pointed the sword toward Luke, but then suddenly, the stupid thing exploded. I mean, are you serious? What happened to the amazing powers that were supposed to do away with the hero?
“That was pathetic,” Luke said. “In honesty, I thought I was a goner.” He burst into uncontrollable laughter. I threw the ashes of the sword onto the ground and stomped them. The ashes morphed back into sword form. I picked it up and studied Luke, as he laughed away. Man, did this guy ever pay any attention to the cleverness of his foes? I smirked and snapped my fingers. My blade morphed into a spear. I took a careful aim, drew back, and with tremendous strength, I launched it. Splirk! The spear’s path ended right through Luke’s chest.
He gasped, “But how?” and then he fell.
“No happy ending in this fairy tale,” I laughed.
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