x
下班回家，淋浴。459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡImr2JSoga2
459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1tRhVvChzs
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡetF7je4JeU
459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhNIlKDyCbx
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGNxynnuiVq
459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡULFytI0dDe
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4Z3JBIc3oP
459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡblGmRZf8zX
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgrGFrYyWOC
459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcYlJHumSFQ
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdANwXqhGHg
459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYajy9zFwbh
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuJImTiScz3
459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf7dmdehX3N
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeZ5Ep601R2
459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHDCHFDRK0t
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqD1HC7B4Xw
459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMso40nIzgi
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKSrchELZTl
459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcBweknmZxW
啪——啪——459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1ks5ZceNVw
459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyu8X97yIEM
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP1rJEH03gU
459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSTQsqn0Np2
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz5zmB3cpFK
459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMyubnO37Kb
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdYgxAfxFok
459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK8Gd1VYbtS
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkjphXmHD3M
459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2iwLETBwo1
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC5Vj8TCaNL
459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtN5hYPy8uy
算了吧。沒所謂。459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBZbaDjI3DP
459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWsCtKtC386
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ26q5876XzF
459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZGZ9zDoOyn
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiNzv4lADOE
459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7AgewhKocu
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvKIiNmpHOh
459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQZXDsv6OLJ
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3J37oFY5po
459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjpUH484UFB
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt52xPAUVW3
459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgWr4hX9qIA
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuURRgmPOE5
459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAh8TTHe3cL
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaaujzqGoTu
459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7T3hb0LbHw
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWikjzKBYBW
459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYXhEATa2Mi
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfoLm0oZsgw
459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpnLQGrzmIi
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuik30f97jl
459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9tXHHcf7BJ
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfVjiCH3CEQ
459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1aOOHSilKE
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6MpzaPw6OD
459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ0ne38Bj3A
我頭也不回開門離家。459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKrrK0pHGCJ
459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh35BdQzXqM
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4KixHfl8fd
459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxfzrnSLclt
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwnKqf7jNCn
459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsftZosWLum
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8T1z0iBTuY
459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgpjSiVlYjH
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC8vUUbw5i6
459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhIpUkcGYP4
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPug8wfIInO
459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJmv5gE2sOG
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLhU0FZZyTJ
459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLZxdtXALb1
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLsMQbAtVbU
459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsNC1DceR7r
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlerVAiD87F
459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmndOpjApLD
「你不開心？」459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrubiTamfbf
459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzAp14j6bp8
「是的。但與你無關。」459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo6QAlQHg5Z
459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmJHkFcZVd8
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLLImYFBdc0
459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsUtv3haWFX
「還有菸嗎？」459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUDzKGgu7Nj
459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxwCjvicEAw
「有。」459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo0PpSRJjxj
459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1TSE8r3atv
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRqLOzFPeDP
459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0r5eiqC1Sv
「俊仔還好嗎？」459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPnVewvEI7J
459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ68CBi00WIp
「與你無關。」459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEvASFR8ulR
459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ8NC4JLlfg
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfzv8f1cydz
459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu95C42E4BU
我幽幽一笑。459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnJ1Q0P2AG1
459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtt071CoN4M
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGVOzDdScGx
459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD9oQklCx1r
「多少？我付！」459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡChswn8NqgF
459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnkEUI6O3fM
「五萬七千五百元。」459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4bPqjCuqz7
459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfFxxaUgEcr
「好！沒問題！小意思！」459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtuijRpLUCB
459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnySyQy0nMe
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSb7haofBSB
459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkXKpVaYwoI
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWGMLmz0kqZ
459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcKjYj7aJmx
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGWLYRouwos
459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP2HPkGSZ95
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3mwn9aW0w7
459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡofyZyF18pm
「阿顧，對不起。」459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxGJmMC0YGQ
459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd3sLGaicKB
「道歉有屁用！」459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeDZ1317eO7
459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWC9mLvrcld
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwufzAxWZvX
459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC8hUhaz8zE
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTuvBzWuWPm
459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMbnC6Q5SuV
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSRZYt6daUF
459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjSIDtmWLGb
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBBRVrqSU56
459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOpiBlBVggg
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT2F84sb5xY
459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvaGM1kKii8
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBcK51BPbY2
459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuQQ9lx1NL0
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpQGlg6ffkA
459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa7SACPXjr4
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGkoovK9iUY
459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQTk7gzLqo8
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7kbTqfND5w
459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtqHIULLUON
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX6BbFQIhhq
459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ5XBIOf8IW
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOCZPLZ5jlJ
459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2MCWfKFIne
我活該……我活該……我活該……459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlJPfODjJFE
459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRYlFHZAkAM
我如此催眠自己。459Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrdyBqSDze5
註：另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》內。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文。
ns216.73.216.239da2
