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下班回家，淋浴。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcNXsqj2w9Z
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoUKnOSYRyX
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkHUVNEoQ0s
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5DXGDiJkuG
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9UhaDNEBah
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI9hAVz1LBB
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGOTJbsmoX9
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLcYRnMvcLM
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPqkTkTgNZ2
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8SzUObbS5S
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLKvuEgzq2E
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQekRQZtVVA
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6B6XIyXGjM
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4gpC025wZh
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl33QpwGWtH
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHienfGJXoY
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3hYz9qYYiD
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQmr98XvJeD
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcU97N99Nuk
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlkGHSvQrdk
啪——啪——405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl50TIQf8jT
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW7AEEqzHvS
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVOTVhCWA0c
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJnbMSGVMdM
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡerL4vECtL4
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡny2JO23L4G
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP1o1T2qs1Z
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3u94KqYy8O
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoB0CJ2WgMs
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyqyKuxDYku
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjGI1UlVEb7
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡab4JMj93Af
算了吧。沒所謂。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoVrP0PPDkw
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRYZuoWSpqY
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVPyyCA1RZE
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ5QOVYNIEK
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyAElg14Q4k
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwUgQTRKnn3
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiLNrOxREE8
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgw1hbSoosA
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtA5PPbEdtH
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmNTpIOpZ2X
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡceOcfmdDNY
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFBgSm36rqL
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGrTO4EVRhK
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHGMKEStqTs
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5lpdGZtcah
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpvUN0kPK8O
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5vfYoYv3TN
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡypAr52CZ5W
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ936I1CcCZq
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZbHSTiq3p1
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSfRw7oc4fc
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdoHUiMEZKT
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLUO79Yke5X
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡESVEty007v
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI6qGRG64jW
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV5FdyXhxf0
我頭也不回開門離家。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJcQv8wPcJF
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡueL7ooSBwQ
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPQifDp7QvH
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOOozpVavuq
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTKqUuFvUFX
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBdNjzD8CKe
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkSeHVaTMZ2
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkDXFx1iexX
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA9lbIRzqwj
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmMlflDMhwK
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeT2yz7bBo1
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhRbEwlKZU5
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1g3OKyvAXF
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2ba2vAFkw9
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAm9HrCBh9v
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0QXjPASe6a
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfSAWCgCind
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGD7x9eggqV
「你不開心？」405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdTcrld7WBP
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpqPHqWnPU4
「是的。但與你無關。」405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlhCFSsslYe
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEYMv7OdJ0A
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj2nXgH7B2N
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnkBzWRWkB2
「還有菸嗎？」405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEwWMWNUEZf
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxrAzpVMnHr
「有。」405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSJTbbzrewJ
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9MJgVAdtV0
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6Sa3jFumew
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw9BffbxoqO
「俊仔還好嗎？」405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTr8tSs7h5C
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOBFukBE5af
「與你無關。」405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkp06EfnvqL
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnGGyAARLuJ
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv8h0cBmZLs
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkum3cs3rZt
我幽幽一笑。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuF3JYzdtUb
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbhI2ze2r2s
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡef3UWVTWpO
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTjM728bHxF
「多少？我付！」405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGUdPMeX5fw
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIVyUmOPxGA
「五萬七千五百元。」405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgfSNjEBtgD
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXgMYv5Nh2n
「好！沒問題！小意思！」405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2GjQerRQaI
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfwD2NvHRWT
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiydLC4YyFl
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn6jTW4pdaX
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGlnooOA5BW
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTjaBi5SIcA
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRcbS3Gxr6U
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1hFAu3NIt1
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWAbbtOkZ6C
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK6wnfU1upR
「阿顧，對不起。」405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0y1Q7qMvUw
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqWwe3ew0FL
「道歉有屁用！」405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr8sqpEMSoa
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIUbqSoz4k3
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPC5vLKFt1b
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvBLHWJ6fKo
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXXOC6PMkLj
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCkgOciBqPj
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv6yI4wAVKS
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWN5f0t278e
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnE501kAQ2c
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7oUyJAqjb0
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0EqX8fmQS7
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuBk03OLIRL
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡshnPkMkI4Z
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpJyuGjTNme
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC5KMpDLfZy
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyeSUYiCmXr
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlGfS4UEytv
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA5f6jXW5cG
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy2tk56VQQ4
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTAlJs7quU9
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn9JzGZEv9V
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWD82sTdNZf
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUHNJRulrPe
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0f4fvVptPu
我活該……我活該……我活該……405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM5tDRDo3RI
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCY4C1f3gvC
我如此催眠自己。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX7mxoXmzs1
註：另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》內。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文。
ns3.135.214.241da2
