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下班回家，淋浴。472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmLkKBdNUQb
472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWZ4xRwfYwI
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKaq6rwfau9
472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcydK0fO4K4
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIPRMsYiEbF
472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDDU8s9CrUt
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM5lCt8m52h
472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxq8L9V22R5
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoj9Vdmhlez
472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOWP6YUKMdI
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmM6x7vD4hi
472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQJbFYBLsEZ
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr2BdP7USOU
472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8f0ulIQ1bP
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFBq3haQ3sb
472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNXJiwczuah
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl1YvZzBepI
472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXnuzG4L517
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJtpaeyLMVp
472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmzXmLeRExT
啪——啪——472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnEa5MAYD8S
472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcHThyiKmPS
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA78zaBZbU1
472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3xzfnSAGQU
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb22UYWeVqt
472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0WMQF4dEUf
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI1VtvKl8kv
472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwst7bBBrno
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQrHXNa9bkt
472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNik9fuAVPG
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYKMt8qWBxU
472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT0F95CmogT
算了吧。沒所謂。472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8l6E5OsZZv
472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPiZySohBGM
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4xnYk8EsDd
472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMpm2OFFPos
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUezitE5t9W
472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6z1xmnMAPC
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7zai146ytT
472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ25srsUwPM2
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmXs2UPDx53
472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgliD2XnoN1
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7t9WvAtSDb
472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyFspeF9lI0
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlAv02Aolkb
472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtd1uIPn7CK
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNaR5r6rpDp
472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6QK2lShhsk
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvPPWZqXARs
472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWxZUwEee5a
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGPqgafphJ1
472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSX9tRq2jhQ
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq3JXkZeKd4
472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAKnDkdqfln
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD7kTG1Fgq1
472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKuDiw1HOWL
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8kzeq5SCN0
472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpjy37IgkGn
我頭也不回開門離家。472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUCrlluhJaz
472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSVjdPBQqfs
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6MyeYJbQMN
472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7g4YN5Pp6R
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZl5MbKgCMV
472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVq6qaP2CEw
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo2fO5k3dZM
472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu0KWUarvqq
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG2pCiNNKS3
472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ98qhs9g1eT
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiqDFuu1SY5
472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNi1XpJ3Xl6
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnWp6V4U0Y0
472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhuSFW4oV32
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYV4QmyTVDD
472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz6ngt9RRUX
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSPt5MuY3co
472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡykS0m5aAsM
「你不開心？」472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9ZGSwzKp04
472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3pDOTju4rO
「是的。但與你無關。」472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl5WbaAl11S
472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk26yW6v3cU
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhu2Esz2m4O
472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfwH7a3Ex5A
「還有菸嗎？」472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUMmma9RVCM
472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhNMrnCh1v7
「有。」472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2CB8L3FYtD
472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡar8qxz7iAl
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiQnAzffuOO
472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv74kTVx22y
「俊仔還好嗎？」472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKOMyrBxwGf
472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS7yDIM3yWa
「與你無關。」472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyKDCpUXAiJ
472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSWjgTxrTLW
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyvj2BmjSmR
472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzeoqAxbGPh
我幽幽一笑。472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzavoESgpOM
472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpn2IiwKAlF
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnFFMtdjUeB
472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJnxtAHDrW8
「多少？我付！」472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTysc51l8CW
472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCwqiLKeGrK
「五萬七千五百元。」472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsmbA0Cb4PN
472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwBN3uHJ6z1
「好！沒問題！小意思！」472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaU3qDuy7bl
472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1ANv7LusP1
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjgXxWYGvim
472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEjybL69qCi
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXPci8d9mqe
472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrswnULSnQw
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaWMLA0HDNy
472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZW1TDRWQqp
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2XI3aDvUOP
472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL3XkMz9Wkz
「阿顧，對不起。」472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw69h4xFnwi
472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEum1LcBuQ0
「道歉有屁用！」472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgk16Dwx97E
472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLbCw0TRYEO
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFIjm9dmgjo
472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBJzhlXrZ5y
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX6ahysnLbv
472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDsAs5T9dlD
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHzytewU4ga
472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMU3wR1q4rn
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwEzp2xdvZ6
472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK5iuGpAtNF
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoodUlVqbt7
472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOTIRzNcgdC
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrsNwEZV8Dn
472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvpg0sx3l7q
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ68kUhuoDFu
472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6vfyirVgAx
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXyIDgTBfYI
472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3GJJI3Ecjb
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ28egjoCTsq
472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd49i3YuK2U
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3jKwlEQHLj
472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmPhH94Uxzd
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrbEB4XAZ3r
472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVo6nOW2WUe
我活該……我活該……我活該……472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhSFGoAX1af
472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkzA4aaZY9N
我如此催眠自己。472Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjsdfq5tui4
註：另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》內。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文。
ns216.73.216.6da2
