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下班回家，淋浴。274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVl4K2LscHe
274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYvPXf2IXxJ
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEAUCrbUupe
274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSZ9BMzLi7o
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeAdb4HVmEy
274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDq1i2SYXbG
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVoZ5v5eWA2
274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT126a1fdJR
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡenc3Rc8YDq
274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmJ1fUp1xwp
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUAc52PWt3X
274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUo0g3XUTwo
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡscehnM54iN
274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡirdEd5iqi8
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ662lmLVk2a
274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQmbgibf9hA
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsZxuH4jzB7
274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGvlhs8xBoY
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEx3VvCMv3x
274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡidcQnt45Tk
啪——啪——274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk7ezCtPlKa
274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhspODae0QN
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoopsSz1Kfz
274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT0bWCW3N6p
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjm0huE4F30
274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ24EoV7LSOA
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTR3wVahugG
274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJbBQB24e9J
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxfztdmzT0i
274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrELP05Dv4b
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjvgT6lg7A5
274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnj4exv21Hs
算了吧。沒所謂。274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMEeFTiXecx
274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIUbXqW5Fkn
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzO7j7IsULD
274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzpHId9sG0Z
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK7C0JFezBs
274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDtM4CMC2NI
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp2SHIZrPGl
274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrzvpOyte2L
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzKb3SxsKlS
274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHW3r5hVQg3
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjnJffyKhGA
274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1IlhcAYSL2
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJWcF5RVMnS
274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPchLctFpaQ
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYJVkI1lpKU
274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHeEpHoY3fR
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzjYxOHY7W5
274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1i1QeqBvOo
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDWguKKXHpZ
274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz0igUhnDqO
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1fUVOhYJ9u
274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv2F29tWT9g
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡug1aHrSugn
274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmZu0ttPK4e
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgAOoQU9j2e
274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ32KRNpXtZe
我頭也不回開門離家。274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0KrCd1SdK9
274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlCFWqdR0zC
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ11f2n0ikSI
274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1fPf1CQ023
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAQG4Elt7m4
274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡktgUNE9lJ7
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlcfmcsqg5U
274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkFC5HjFWRj
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDYFMEl10dY
274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbVYN2dqCvU
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡptt6tvUAUt
274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWsczncUOqL
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeXRnOpdmo0
274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV0RdCVCYTE
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOf3vTSdR9u
274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl6fMA648zz
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡANuZmJnQBL
274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyLBJnWwoz6
「你不開心？」274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXODN4jMAHU
274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQvjF7tU41h
「是的。但與你無關。」274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPN6kU7iPi9
274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6asJ8WoXYB
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5LysDp0uyP
274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJLsZW3Ql2q
「還有菸嗎？」274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNhzKBi638D
274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnj78CMAz1T
「有。」274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1QkGl0qFmR
274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0tOtpjGose
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKjCGO1obOA
274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3IkEWWZfTZ
「俊仔還好嗎？」274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5a9fF8pfTW
274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL1alOgXMuy
「與你無關。」274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNT4j5VDjaR
274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxADa7rD9yF
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOo6uudqYqr
274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwHd81RsoyI
我幽幽一笑。274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJecA2ItGyN
274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIltdT3EmU2
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkz8QNMpt26
274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkHa2rOW19S
「多少？我付！」274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ51jyiahXAu
274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlsunqUoaS2
「五萬七千五百元。」274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKdxCzRlLNT
274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkZ6SrDMJU0
「好！沒問題！小意思！」274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLyI84EJb2f
274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnnIDBIkA0M
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSf0fuaH98n
274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH0HbmUbLcW
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8lUEeAZk9S
274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcy4nOITOBT
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO3olld0R8b
274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn75OlBzoEc
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxggBfnrPMj
274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGL0OjHj47z
「阿顧，對不起。」274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuuLRxQ9dnY
274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ80Ykqu8Ixu
「道歉有屁用！」274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCyqWg6BSYG
274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoR9ltcuEvL
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6Y1DJ4x8qn
274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtkaSgwa2d6
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpqBP4c7Hrv
274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtSDYyy76h6
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdJOyv9Mp96
274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHMqb6PwhMv
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsr7PadrHZN
274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSEIYj3IeMd
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwgJiDnoiGe
274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6nqfztEOjB
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlIAqW1gtOn
274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn9YSvpW2QG
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOxKE03i02L
274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3vNhguHS0u
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWZUcFQAj3g
274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKTgx238jlc
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGiJyt3dAKQ
274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFLzk4LiozJ
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrsZ9db701N
274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIVZq2hEM72
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkOGkgepI61
274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ67eWy2sYCf
我活該……我活該……我活該……274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwQjki3Ii37
274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv9KKDQTyO5
我如此催眠自己。274Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlN108OZ3In
註：此篇另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文配合。
ns216.73.216.8da2
