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下班回家，淋浴。249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQfrCyYIt0S
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGuB2i3V1VW
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSDCfDEpGIB
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTbYnBOOoFU
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNP0U4ir6sB
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNg49UO90I7
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3KH2n81G7g
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ1e8cn0Key
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWlmPAYJmdj
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsLajDB2w6y
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyroXlZez0P
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ791Ga0lMv
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyRoycnsQmq
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9zzZbFrOXx
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYZB3f2uZfQ
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrWYIk6yus4
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRaHdZRbZg0
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKFi2GxuDKj
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo6ASZvPFRb
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfweHqQwt2D
啪——啪——249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3yKz4UON5n
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqsMooodyFC
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrgLIY3iAtQ
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeAjbMce2Gi
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4qFS1aF73P
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPfepsqRn6H
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhQYFSxGSBH
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7OALz5cnZi
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhK2Jo5p64Y
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTc0BHrBjru
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7GPBT0n86r
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGEaYm94tHA
算了吧。沒所謂。249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1mHm672EtI
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWS2iEWUld6
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTu0d8Ifxtc
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1KnykT6Ncw
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlt55y6KPL8
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcntL0WTdBK
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzFnIuxW2e2
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJGJukhRFvj
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBUSZvQ3BMW
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGPHD8vrCIQ
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs9fNjdZkc9
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKOfoAdZ9XD
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdmgKHy7STG
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4JlMQyVYFY
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUWGXLaAIyn
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsoXrMJSKUf
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVoejixew24
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuSd0gn8mCs
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLQlSBTkoJO
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyBigPqTRSJ
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWSsLJ5pVYF
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8JQ2ZQ6akN
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNVFIKlq2gd
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiWcUOoJxZX
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP2Ro9DVjLv
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVoD9VqDDso
我頭也不回開門離家。249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXD7FB4pdUz
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡucL2xlqtaX
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLJiAydieb3
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdPcMhC45Fy
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoaDNOTVWEL
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡixxZKpJMGS
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCsIwdxE3q8
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBj8ec5UrnL
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7NZzbPyEOl
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIovQb0gezS
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOtnV7DNu8B
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo2GX4SPfkl
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg6UazcE8Zf
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡly5nzgtUrY
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwWDkXtxOXd
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLC7g6vNGxY
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWlsyE6vFm5
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrHHy0VbZh9
「你不開心？」249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHuxpSTlNnb
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvBBvJdCxYo
「是的。但與你無關。」249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡENgNZuVaEu
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLIg2UlzlY0
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN5Xa94NvAI
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDtH85tG74g
「還有菸嗎？」249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4LZOxn6VWn
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVThPF1JWXx
「有。」249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmwv6W29yAa
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo5AiMiVbxU
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzaJg7cLdlg
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeFnIadiPcq
「俊仔還好嗎？」249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfwQimAWVC2
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCjkflxWIfk
「與你無關。」249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKmE9sfgn5l
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbuHVQzb6dk
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1lsCb0HP9R
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcecS9Jzlnv
我幽幽一笑。249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7ZoM0ZJ4Kv
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjlKsUTuV8j
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5RenIG9M2e
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVlIl1p78VM
「多少？我付！」249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9oMSOukKT4
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwKVlsstpyH
「五萬七千五百元。」249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJuV9fBsYH1
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi5TF1O8NWl
「好！沒問題！小意思！」249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYSyWzlestV
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz9x6AbYiYy
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwhiNgnSkqz
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKzMj5f1gSO
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUHjW0t14q7
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡANjJgb54Dr
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAL4Fz0vIMd
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4LO0HriN2g
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqnCLAErxzJ
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy48AKTy0H5
「阿顧，對不起。」249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaaDGC3NIQK
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9zok7sqr71
「道歉有屁用！」249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡykxBh0pXIe
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqCdzJD2ih4
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡymZuH50irG
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0BxuKIcQWC
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4TNKNRtbWX
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy32LQWdHgi
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhqF5xhKxrG
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAzqVS8Q8Bs
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEJfuXdDT4M
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4G9szIuKhH
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKt5DsiFZAy
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡln7A2ZlG3E
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRf4HJ4vAsy
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHx4JGjg3uq
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu1FgWFNuky
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJYFpuW7pRn
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ63JzzooxvJ
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkvkoXCECoa
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ9cbkJNerg
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNC51JDbltd
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDzXByXQBge
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCX2gZUfRTV
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhdSnUiL1TK
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRyEaKVAmAo
我活該……我活該……我活該……249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcV9GHf4hqS
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSHHTfR3F2o
我如此催眠自己。249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC57f4dQQYg
註：此篇另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文配合。
ns216.73.216.191da2
