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下班回家，淋浴。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW1bPVLJpUJ
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFNEVjrimHM
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu1wDTkgh8f
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcmxR4nLs3O
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeDddkxhu1F
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsB6Kk2qT2w
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvGJmrDJE0P
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ08dO7v25bi
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqgs3FFWc6c
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡigJuqzTzYx
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYlUCiWDB9P
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡenSmxIfTTE
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtLcZdhX1f0
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZEP293Vtse
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfa67FEaZjK
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBB2RNWr61h
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVSLYVK0zsL
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0fl7e7uQJj
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbCXqyMSQaT
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ8yNvzVSds
啪——啪——207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdfQo5mCyeY
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBzV3Pc9R33
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3ky9a5Z2tI
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEhe0kx3a14
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIJfrYfBUSf
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVBUlABXJcX
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwQFSNsRkNh
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCz3ruJ1qsd
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIzza4saD4F
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuotqgnjXAq
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTHOqCX4Nx6
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0oK3pXXqC6
算了吧。沒所謂。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEWXh80TPKJ
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY2d1LxwJNB
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4P7S5dAJVA
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡurxlvMhViU
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi56GyoPBQ5
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp871wvMe8t
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHFH6to6YEE
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFRbX3W97i9
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLce1mkH5tX
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgEEwA0Ah1Q
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpPZg7sTtzE
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡESUn2TqvSA
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPIAFRC7K3w
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡif4hGiSFek
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ188PrCoAR
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVpIW8V0t6p
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLPRtouKG5M
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVYARI8lgw4
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4Y8TUDpsby
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOVpyc8qHMc
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW7WbrqjpOs
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqb0VGf9gsI
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnOka3iWE5u
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgLTJjdOMCp
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeMupx1D17k
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4JTTSSRuvf
我頭也不回開門離家。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5eMY5iQag8
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLhf6OnoEvo
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcbiM2z4kGj
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4Qus3I2Zwp
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt9S3tg0VBh
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlhky7MODZP
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGt1SRl7u2a
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUQJBjc0MFC
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRkxhKYOiNr
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5d9LhB3HFg
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeJyq4S65Tp
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDqjBriRRd0
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqimJFLYUkR
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxwrQAXXpNf
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtJCQ9b0IKv
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1hhnmtPhNa
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqAmGYu7pNd
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiojBAZJaKt
「你不開心？」207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKqiIpoVVKY
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ40eVBDQJwO
「是的。但與你無關。」207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYpNeQazpqB
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4be387WVan
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM9xtaX808d
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzMKdzsSODr
「還有菸嗎？」207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPSQn94idzh
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAuZqNOF02v
「有。」207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4QKhMopJJ6
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIabJLrwVYh
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZxP5x8YOUl
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAqjWWDJy75
「俊仔還好嗎？」207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0GDgPw3xg2
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrTcJLuBOUB
「與你無關。」207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrnuLDKRJ9K
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXGlRMgyrEm
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR6hhR10F9x
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCPbaho5qKN
我幽幽一笑。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡveHimQzb81
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI4Fm7mS1Ce
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeynz7RxVW2
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡij2ivSMujV
「多少？我付！」207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw3ShPOmPFB
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHvTtqiIDnr
「五萬七千五百元。」207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE3WndeNqIT
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9uFS2lGkWy
「好！沒問題！小意思！」207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOFE5H50e6I
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvWK9n8YJ2v
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGfl7Bhx7py
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡckJowcgM1n
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmTLt3l4MG9
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcQSCWMORUF
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ9unD6rpHp
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2i1cEYfDEI
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT3y1ioINsX
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAxSXgYKDW8
「阿顧，對不起。」207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx9ubZobZ0u
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZHcsjLkoeQ
「道歉有屁用！」207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOQxjSBDt9R
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM51RkrI5Zp
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU8XmHS0FTB
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnKPzOADsP9
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡadJEQBccMn
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrXqs3twC7C
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdviruHPdSw
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSfGRNJIawh
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdFC544E1z5
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSzUzxD4HwU
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmwfQQo1rMA
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbTh1MbIHGd
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeXLRNJW9jX
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvaIpCjA9lH
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqulwHHhnmP
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA4BH1MfPQ3
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDTnzLBGeks
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQMTt09hCS3
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8xr4mCxHII
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfBTGmvXhp4
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh3RGWjQo9l
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡer4Gs4DWDH
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2y7wX7Dusi
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg7wkf7ex75
我活該……我活該……我活該……207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeWKsaD9SX7
207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp4KgfdB8lO
我如此催眠自己。207Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBfN84dGmzz
註：此篇另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文配合。
ns18.221.70.17da2
