惡名之下
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致不想回想起的記憶
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我不是那種「一般」的孩子409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJOi2qAHWs3
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但特殊得來，又不叫人驕傲的特別409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA7YEwSzun3
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童年、成長、至今，我深知自己和其他人的不同，正因如此，我也因為這份特殊與我該在的地方、該有的身分道出分離宣言
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不是我害怕409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMIfoB3xPhZ
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是害怕自身
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世界很奇怪，只是不一樣的，所謂之「特別」，往往引人恐懼，危險的出現409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiP15NXgeGS
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因為不同，意味改變409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡblwki0p4s9
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縱然沒人希望遇上困難，但又想克服，就只能待困難自己解決、或是自身忽然學懂如何去使吹灰之力的程度409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6WlO1IkV2J
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卻現實中，是沒有可能發生此種事，萬物不由己生，正如沒有不勞而獲，其之獲的勞，純粹不是由自己付出而已409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8M2OqO1Bk2
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這道理409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbIZD26DN7o
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我是明白的409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtTG2hv2uAy
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但又現實中，我做不了什麼，我無法展現自己在這方面的認知409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFlTUg68F5v
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—— 啪喇 ——409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrrMsiPMi27
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「廢物！」409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZwLO85RqZR
「您是吃撐沒事幹嗎？！」409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOteApJBKbf
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見玻璃零碎散落，深紅沾在純黑的地毯，清脆響亮的聲響堪比硫磺一發，暗中的深紅滿滲若如蚊餐一地，儘管而言並非直對此方，隱約可見利片刺中了自己409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkcQCJdzFPv
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「現在有毛有翼曉升天了，作反了哦？！」409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWwyD3x5HI5
「您究竟是不是真的弱智哦？！」409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDmZk7AqCXW
409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDGUolKogQC
「麻煩製造者⋯您可真是⋯⋯可不可以有點自知之名？」409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBl7ENp6kKD
「該死⋯」409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5xASTm7JOq
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使力擦著額，短棕髮的她伸手到黑木桌子，「咻」一聲扯開櫃門，反手便伸入其中，撥開文具，翻走書本，往當中內最深處伸去409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu1wrQTfgBN
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數聲粗魯的物品碰撞，還有其後那響亮至耳窒的拍門，女性在視野外掏出一白中漂黃的東西
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象牙製煙斗
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勾在嘴裏，同時從胸前口袋中拿出小圓盒，像口紅的造型，倒是金屬製，畢竟說到底才非打份用409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjL5h0O8ZJe
409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwklW0QMrss
熟練地扭開蓋鎖，拇指彈上開蓋，倒轉在煙斗的填裝位，一滴409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsaKKrdlkGQ
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「⋯呼⋯⋯」409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS1kInOfuuW
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雜草味，燒靑草的氣味，少許攻鼻，但並不濃，再者也未到刺激的程度，單純是蠻有葉綠味而已，連漂出來的白煙也幾乎不存在，室內散佈最強烈的，唯有植物的味道
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背對自己，她抽著煙斗，看往窗外
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不是特別高樓層，當然整座大廈也是己業前提，地方必是自己選址選樓層
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若是較高的位置，是可以看到海景，朝向東邊的海藍天，以及遠方一帶沿海的密集，高樓大廈又有，不起眼的小方塊亦有，熊本縣的各沿海城市，整個一起，掃望而入眼內409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOLLZxO0kpQ
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但她不同，她的選擇往往比任何⋯一般人，自己所想的奇怪，然而又有其論點，要說的話，就是她擁有著不同自己，過於複雜而與別不同的想法409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwcJcoQrrNd
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作風不一，思考的模式不一樣
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就好比她不打算把辦公室置於上面，而是這兒，這層，剛好不高於窗戶所面向，商店街的頂蓋，的一層
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看到車站、酒吧街街頭、商場門口，各種
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因為她要真正的「全景」
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我真的搞不清楚，嘛，無法理解
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好比她究竟是怎樣看待自己一樣
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我知道，我也明白自己現在可是搞出大麻煩了，不但引起了刑警的注意，還有引致本地一眾不良、暴走族的騷動，現在回望，嘛，還真是想也想不到自己有這麼的能力409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDtoZgVaxc4
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抑或說，是我一直以來，低估了老姐她的聲譽及影響力409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFEgAr9axTS
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山松組的力量409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMEHtf7bgXc
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「您到底⋯什麼時候才會學乖呀？混帳⋯」409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4CwA1vsjjG
409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsl4NqYiMRW
回神過來，她已經坐了在那辦工椅上，左腳放右腳膝頭，口中濃吐淡煙，即使口氣稍安定，放大的瞳孔凶剎不爾409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi13WXCF1yN
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她是我的姐姐409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0ka16kZlMj
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山松組的老大409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV3NJ5FCX2B
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大和英加409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKlz9JYW3E5
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「說話啊」409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV72zCWJ44t
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央百花409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQc0z77ihLe
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我努力地站在原處，就這樣一聲不吭，但是視線一交上，就看不了更多，看不到，尋找不到視線可聚落之處，可是呢，她可還生氣著，直對自己409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsV87Qerncp
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「⋯我可不會當你啞的」
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「⋯⋯你要是不說話⋯那好⋯⋯好⋯」
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「就讓我倆在這，一直⋯一直在這」
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「在這一起浪費時間，反正⋯ 我 · 很 · 閒 」409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSKc56ZdnkI
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「⋯⋯」409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGAx8htWEkX
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呼吸聲由緊縫的唇瓣洩出，曾有再多的話，希望反駁、說理，又說不出，不在她面前409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4NYz2nan68
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我不只是害怕，畢竟目前為止，一生中最敬重，亦最不喜歡的，也是她，我的姐姐409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqEZGFA4f7K
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她為我做了很多，太多，甚至我了解，自己所認知的，只是整幅拼圖的一小塊409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjLEqOIGQJ7
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理應我該做好自己就好了，對她來說是最好了409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5nHqAI1cYU
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所以說，我到底做了什麼？409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVwEY5wQru0
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我在反叛嗎？可能409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡafj5PoqdPD
為了什麼？
為了什麼⋯？
成為些什麼的身分？
為了她的認同？
⋯⋯
我不知道
我自己也搞不清楚
回去一開始談到的地方
我選擇了前者
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讓困難自己解決409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfnoqoqABHh
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但困難就是自己409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9SLXJcmwQV
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所以才裝模作樣，卻又成了反效果，或是說，我從來也沒有想清楚任何事情，而衝進去做409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGiXkx2Z48l
409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfj94UaLknL
我做事沒腦根、理性，是後來的事情，日益嚴重，動不動就動氣，感性行事，這樣子便不用想了，不用想太多了409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHIodwDCjlZ
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不用去想更多平時的負面了409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL3XhN2zA3O
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單憑感覺行事409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhpf13bzwad
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這樣子便不用去研究他人的目光、想法，自己的得失，將來的後果，麻煩的各種409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm4oMhnMNcw
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反正本身裏頭已經積累了太多409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRpW8HKmyAj
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確實地問我，是不是很想孤立自己？409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzT3F0LDTRx
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別開玩笑409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7gTTWzNB11
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但我有選擇嗎？409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdUoP04ZRjy
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注定無法「正常」地生活的我，注定混混噩噩過日子的自己，大概⋯本身已經叫姐姐她傷心了吧？409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHJmI9ZJh1l
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不過單是自己也是409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcU5DGFRtC9
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我不想這樣子409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUL9tWUp3Qg
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我不希望這樣子的「特別」409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2eFPAH6oVX
409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB66NKzjTM1
409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCC4NSRPyfx
但對自己來說，所謂的「未來」已是注定的
不能做到什麼
不能實現什麼
那怕是已經放棄得崩潰、討厭自己
也不能有什麼改變
我看不到明天，也看不到昨天
但⋯有分別嗎？
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當初的命運已經被注定，因為自己是大和氏，因為和那混帳有關係，因為⋯因為409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8m0TqC7uMA
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我根本沒有能力去保護自己409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3kQMXFCj2V
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沒有能力409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzv7b1m3TrD
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一直以來也是409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrJHj8vgIaC
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我⋯⋯409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUKtrAvuRmi
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我409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOG9ju5HQQE
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我根本沒有選擇409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzIYBiPQApn
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現在的話，選不選擇也沒差別吧⋯409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL3JfJCHpkc
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算啦⋯409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtTP5RzdNWI
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就讓我自暴自棄吧
將我棄之不理吧
但一定，一定
一定會被反對為結果吧
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「⋯」409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOhFGhSPn1Z
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409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkzY5xDspzE
怎也沒所謂了409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtVYpSdA0WN
409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxS0a3sQwN8
409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1inp4kWDfe
「⋯算了」409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSVwpTEKh00
「我要出去食晚飯了」409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNezMFaCza6
「你打算怎樣子呢」409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYcwFDF6QPB
409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRgqXvX0Sip
409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlDwXN1DbSm
409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpbBwbfjMGv
「⋯⋯嗯」409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfCcATScxSo
409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLs3v2wKgt5
409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyfVCKB5PG8
409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhqmFb0mfI8
409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFu74QaOrDm
沒所謂了409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTyU9yZcIA1
409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV9We7q1clM
409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmJOJCXQsWM
「⋯⋯」409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOyGVpOD4RT
409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHEDUt3UlmC
409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRzO5rEjUHe
409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjgC2vndTGn
反正我就是生下來那刻開始被詛咒了409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSlm95Nxemv
409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD4TVBbFQ6t
反正是我自己弄到自己得如此下場409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgL5vz3MHnl
409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCyT4KhWuJm
反正409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTK1rxju1iq
409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqGE73P5p1Q
409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHP0EfXh7Sf
「⋯」409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhabAZcniik
409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT9p2KI5ONa
「笨蛋」409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡngeEgqergU
409Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNw9lrcnuoQ
我是不值得被愛被相信的惡名之子
