惡名之下
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致不想回想起的記憶
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我不是那種「一般」的孩子184Please respect copyright.PENANAzThCYYDUwT
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但特殊得來,又不叫人驕傲的特別184Please respect copyright.PENANA7UKbBYiDQF
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童年、成長、至今,我深知自己和其他人的不同,正因如此,我也因為這份特殊與我該在的地方、該有的身分道出分離宣言
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不是我害怕184Please respect copyright.PENANAF5D6kePYv6
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是害怕自身
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世界很奇怪,只是不一樣的,所謂之「特別」,往往引人恐懼,危險的出現184Please respect copyright.PENANA4SOizrZBpE
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因為不同,意味改變184Please respect copyright.PENANAIw2dNx3H0F
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縱然沒人希望遇上困難,但又想克服,就只能待困難自己解決、或是自身忽然學懂如何去使吹灰之力的程度184Please respect copyright.PENANAf33RS4gndd
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卻現實中,是沒有可能發生此種事,萬物不由己生,正如沒有不勞而獲,其之獲的勞,純粹不是由自己付出而已184Please respect copyright.PENANA9kbEdrPLxe
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這道理184Please respect copyright.PENANArRIYphkUzQ
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我是明白的184Please respect copyright.PENANAMPeEEtl6bh
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但又現實中,我做不了什麼,我無法展現自己在這方面的認知184Please respect copyright.PENANAYo5GlujGL4
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184Please respect copyright.PENANAM6Kq0Kkbyb
—— 啪喇 ——184Please respect copyright.PENANA2TDso5cIxO
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「廢物!」184Please respect copyright.PENANA1MpTCCEvEL
「您是吃撐沒事幹嗎?!」184Please respect copyright.PENANABIWJlSI2Hi
184Please respect copyright.PENANAv7smduWmii
見玻璃零碎散落,深紅沾在純黑的地毯,清脆響亮的聲響堪比硫磺一發,暗中的深紅滿滲若如蚊餐一地,儘管而言並非直對此方,隱約可見利片刺中了自己184Please respect copyright.PENANA1H8AmAIa2p
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「現在有毛有翼曉升天了,作反了哦?!」184Please respect copyright.PENANAsLf3zqsmQu
「您究竟是不是真的弱智哦?!」184Please respect copyright.PENANAfpaQBKUP6R
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「麻煩製造者⋯您可真是⋯⋯可不可以有點自知之名?」184Please respect copyright.PENANAKB73Gf9g0T
「該死⋯」184Please respect copyright.PENANARiDDt2RbDm
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使力擦著額,短棕髮的她伸手到黑木桌子,「咻」一聲扯開櫃門,反手便伸入其中,撥開文具,翻走書本,往當中內最深處伸去184Please respect copyright.PENANAjvo06lsUxN
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數聲粗魯的物品碰撞,還有其後那響亮至耳窒的拍門,女性在視野外掏出一白中漂黃的東西
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象牙製煙斗
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勾在嘴裏,同時從胸前口袋中拿出小圓盒,像口紅的造型,倒是金屬製,畢竟說到底才非打份用184Please respect copyright.PENANAuke7yJoBMq
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熟練地扭開蓋鎖,拇指彈上開蓋,倒轉在煙斗的填裝位,一滴184Please respect copyright.PENANAWPjiffkgMi
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「⋯呼⋯⋯」184Please respect copyright.PENANAkmoweFrAus
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雜草味,燒靑草的氣味,少許攻鼻,但並不濃,再者也未到刺激的程度,單純是蠻有葉綠味而已,連漂出來的白煙也幾乎不存在,室內散佈最強烈的,唯有植物的味道
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背對自己,她抽著煙斗,看往窗外
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不是特別高樓層,當然整座大廈也是己業前提,地方必是自己選址選樓層
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若是較高的位置,是可以看到海景,朝向東邊的海藍天,以及遠方一帶沿海的密集,高樓大廈又有,不起眼的小方塊亦有,熊本縣的各沿海城市,整個一起,掃望而入眼內184Please respect copyright.PENANAcvEEAY0aoG
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但她不同,她的選擇往往比任何⋯一般人,自己所想的奇怪,然而又有其論點,要說的話,就是她擁有著不同自己,過於複雜而與別不同的想法184Please respect copyright.PENANAx4Og2m4Diz
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作風不一,思考的模式不一樣
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就好比她不打算把辦公室置於上面,而是這兒,這層,剛好不高於窗戶所面向,商店街的頂蓋,的一層
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看到車站、酒吧街街頭、商場門口,各種
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因為她要真正的「全景」
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我真的搞不清楚,嘛,無法理解
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好比她究竟是怎樣看待自己一樣
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我知道,我也明白自己現在可是搞出大麻煩了,不但引起了刑警的注意,還有引致本地一眾不良、暴走族的騷動,現在回望,嘛,還真是想也想不到自己有這麼的能力184Please respect copyright.PENANAaxGP0OWcuj
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抑或說,是我一直以來,低估了老姐她的聲譽及影響力184Please respect copyright.PENANANl6l71aFqu
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山松組的力量184Please respect copyright.PENANA4zJnhzplfS
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「您到底⋯什麼時候才會學乖呀?混帳⋯」184Please respect copyright.PENANAFMAX0mpUiX
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回神過來,她已經坐了在那辦工椅上,左腳放右腳膝頭,口中濃吐淡煙,即使口氣稍安定,放大的瞳孔凶剎不爾184Please respect copyright.PENANA6NDpRoOVaO
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她是我的姐姐184Please respect copyright.PENANA3Tq2Us6Ho5
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山松組的老大184Please respect copyright.PENANA6gyrekrrOZ
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大和英加184Please respect copyright.PENANAzSlK1WAenL
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「說話啊」184Please respect copyright.PENANAUaUKssMTGF
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央百花184Please respect copyright.PENANABhqoyWVU9L
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我努力地站在原處,就這樣一聲不吭,但是視線一交上,就看不了更多,看不到,尋找不到視線可聚落之處,可是呢,她可還生氣著,直對自己184Please respect copyright.PENANAgBoEuGRUFF
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「⋯我可不會當你啞的」
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「⋯⋯你要是不說話⋯那好⋯⋯好⋯」
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「就讓我倆在這,一直⋯一直在這」
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「在這一起浪費時間,反正⋯ 我 · 很 · 閒 」184Please respect copyright.PENANA928DaEaghO
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「⋯⋯」184Please respect copyright.PENANABSs4zAuTCM
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呼吸聲由緊縫的唇瓣洩出,曾有再多的話,希望反駁、說理,又說不出,不在她面前184Please respect copyright.PENANAgZPff69DjG
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我不只是害怕,畢竟目前為止,一生中最敬重,亦最不喜歡的,也是她,我的姐姐184Please respect copyright.PENANAsZf1PSNLzU
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她為我做了很多,太多,甚至我了解,自己所認知的,只是整幅拼圖的一小塊184Please respect copyright.PENANAisHvEsLP8n
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理應我該做好自己就好了,對她來說是最好了184Please respect copyright.PENANAxHjPfS3RNX
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所以說,我到底做了什麼?184Please respect copyright.PENANAJAoubxDHw2
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我在反叛嗎?可能184Please respect copyright.PENANAz8BWeFpy96
為了什麼?
為了什麼⋯?
成為些什麼的身分?
為了她的認同?
⋯⋯
我不知道
我自己也搞不清楚
回去一開始談到的地方
我選擇了前者
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讓困難自己解決184Please respect copyright.PENANAJyi1Di3Nz1
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但困難就是自己184Please respect copyright.PENANA0qCcGgtzp3
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所以才裝模作樣,卻又成了反效果,或是說,我從來也沒有想清楚任何事情,而衝進去做184Please respect copyright.PENANA4VMwF2vXm0
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我做事沒腦根、理性,是後來的事情,日益嚴重,動不動就動氣,感性行事,這樣子便不用想了,不用想太多了184Please respect copyright.PENANAJPx369bHMs
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不用去想更多平時的負面了184Please respect copyright.PENANAECr6iucjAb
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單憑感覺行事184Please respect copyright.PENANAezmzxYGAwb
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這樣子便不用去研究他人的目光、想法,自己的得失,將來的後果,麻煩的各種184Please respect copyright.PENANAv82u8E7nz4
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反正本身裏頭已經積累了太多184Please respect copyright.PENANAkS4ZWfAAgy
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確實地問我,是不是很想孤立自己?184Please respect copyright.PENANAWhPifCtRJZ
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別開玩笑184Please respect copyright.PENANAQLB6igEaDl
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但我有選擇嗎?184Please respect copyright.PENANAjiGk64G2hF
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注定無法「正常」地生活的我,注定混混噩噩過日子的自己,大概⋯本身已經叫姐姐她傷心了吧?184Please respect copyright.PENANAJAwzB5ZklW
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不過單是自己也是184Please respect copyright.PENANAWms0epye2W
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我不想這樣子184Please respect copyright.PENANAEwYbJv7fMM
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我不希望這樣子的「特別」184Please respect copyright.PENANAHR8eJMxEqB
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但對自己來說,所謂的「未來」已是注定的
不能做到什麼
不能實現什麼
那怕是已經放棄得崩潰、討厭自己
也不能有什麼改變
我看不到明天,也看不到昨天
但⋯有分別嗎?
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當初的命運已經被注定,因為自己是大和氏,因為和那混帳有關係,因為⋯因為184Please respect copyright.PENANA065FqPGyoK
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我根本沒有能力去保護自己184Please respect copyright.PENANAzuaUv5Fq8B
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沒有能力184Please respect copyright.PENANAD9dmTzHmF8
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一直以來也是184Please respect copyright.PENANAIOi2SRvsZW
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我⋯⋯184Please respect copyright.PENANAUVYywxuS78
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我184Please respect copyright.PENANAPgjkbj6ul9
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我根本沒有選擇184Please respect copyright.PENANAhsc8X2tSDi
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現在的話,選不選擇也沒差別吧⋯184Please respect copyright.PENANAfTw3Skb7C3
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算啦⋯184Please respect copyright.PENANAE9iCyUTT4Q
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就讓我自暴自棄吧
將我棄之不理吧
但一定,一定
一定會被反對為結果吧
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「⋯」184Please respect copyright.PENANA6vQ0rFgNHp
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怎也沒所謂了184Please respect copyright.PENANAQoYV9t4Cn7
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「⋯算了」184Please respect copyright.PENANAATPsvtULeg
「我要出去食晚飯了」184Please respect copyright.PENANA6xbPCsOPXr
「你打算怎樣子呢」184Please respect copyright.PENANANCmpK1a6E5
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「⋯⋯嗯」184Please respect copyright.PENANAeeScoYpbhc
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沒所謂了184Please respect copyright.PENANAvCmGmcafQ1
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「⋯⋯」184Please respect copyright.PENANAQajIL3dcoT
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反正我就是生下來那刻開始被詛咒了184Please respect copyright.PENANA2nIm0ODYOC
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反正是我自己弄到自己得如此下場184Please respect copyright.PENANALnEuDwhDiG
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反正184Please respect copyright.PENANAOimVBu5eZO
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「⋯」184Please respect copyright.PENANAjqmedRd9Ta
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「笨蛋」184Please respect copyright.PENANAN3kQf24vZ2
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我是不值得被愛被相信的惡名之子