Matthew's POV
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Merging onto the M2 towards London, it's fraught with fast cars speeding along the lanes and I'm paying attention. The night sky utterly dark and the street lighting far too low for my liking. I once said I would never drive around London, yet here I am on the motorway heading straight to the city after a shoot.
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The merge goes smoothly and I sink into the leather seats of my new Land Rover. Heated seats on and my playlist going off as I drive on autopilot. It's been a long shoot today and the gear is still in the back of my large boot, Paul once joked with me that anybody would think that I'm transporting bodies with my luggage. I just feel it's only right to have the right equipment and lighting. This shoot in Canterbury was a nice one, all be it for the continuous rain and wind. The biting cold which I'm now accustomed to.
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My playlist stops and I gaze down at my phone briefly to see the display, expecting Kim my sister but seeing worse. I accept the call and take it over loud speaker. Annoyed at the interruption.
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"Matthew" a nasal voice gasps down the line and I sigh, its girlfriend number two.
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"Em how are you" I say slowly and she giggles, it's not entirely endearing. Emily Richard's and I met at a dinner, she works for a top notch media company but only as a receptionist. I imagine her leaving her desk, her pale hair clipped back and I can't help but to wonder when the last time was that I paid her any attention. Girlfriend number three has been taking up my evenings as of late.
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"Matthew don't be coy" she laughs and I chortle.
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"I'm not coy" I say watching my speed.
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"Or avoident" she tells me attempting to tease me.
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"Okay what would you like" I sigh taking the next exit as the rain begins battering down again.
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"You see well there's this thing" she begins slowly and I resist the urge to tell her to spit it out. My phone bleeps and she pauses as I look down at a notification from Charlotte, number three, she's at my place in London. Neither of them know about Castle Combe-my actual home. Neither of them know about one another.
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"It's a wedding thing and I need to ask whether you'd like to be my plus one" she asks finding the courage to finally spit out what she wants from me.
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"Em" I say tentatively, wondering how I'm going to be able to let her down gently. I only have eyes for girlfriend number one.
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"Matthew, come on it's a free bar" she pleads as I sigh rubbing my forehead and the slight tension that is building between my eyes.
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"Free bar or not I'm busy" I say softly and she scoffs.
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"Hey I didn't even give you the dates" she begins and I sigh. This conversation could go on for some time, I remind myself of the evening that I met her. How she could not keep her eyes away from me. My suit and how she pulled my jacket off and placed it over her shoulders, how she let me pin her against the hotel lobby wall.
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"Oh Em I have a busy calendar" I say as she huffs.
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"You're a dick" she surmises resulting to insults.
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"I'm not your boyfriend." I tell her clearly as she scoffs again my phone pinging a new notification from Charlotte. I'm drowning in women and their neediness. What Charlotte could possibly need is beyond me, she has my bachelors apartment to herself and her "girlfriends". All of which are more annoying than Rachel ever was. I left her this morning in the large bed and told her I'd be back soon. Leaving it all utterly vague as she slumped back huffing declaring that she would have a girls night in front of the flatscreen. Drinking my wine, like we're living together.
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"You're not huh!?" Em shouts and I sigh realising that apart from work my life is an utter shambles. Eventually after around an hour and a half of arguing and making up over the phone I see the lights of London, the traffic accumulates and I look down at my phone wondering if I'll make it in time for my reservation.
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"Bye Em yeah hope the meeting goes okay." I say vacantly after she has chatted my ear off. I once said I would never drive around London and as I sit in tailbacks, red brake lights illuminated before me. I remind myself of that statement scoffing that there's no shortcuts as all of the roads are blocked off or taxi only. The fines are hefty and it's not worth the money, I've learnt.
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The parking is no better than the actual queues to get anywhere. Overpriced, Practically daylight robbery as I manage to squeeze my state of the art Land Rover in a bay. Ignoring the suitcases in my trunk as I swing over to the elevators to the restaurant. Recalling the conversation I had upon reserving the table and how she had commented on how she wanted to sample the food in an upscale Italian and to judge the fancy outfits of the patrons.
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With short pixie hair, brunette like mine. And eyes that glow when they see me approaching her on the bar stool is my sister. Seeing her after months reminds me of who I am, the person I used to be pleads with me to make an appearance again and I sigh. It was easier pushing away both my memories and who I was in order to move forward, than wallowing in years worth of misery and empty promises.
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Hugging Kim as she eyes me and my new hair, trimmed back shorter rather than the fluffy curls that Taylor used to place her hands in. She squeezes me again and I laugh before guiding her over to our table. We're eating Italian and for what feels like the one hundredth time my eyes go over the menu pushing away thoughts of Taylor, girlfriend number one.
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It's somewhat ludicrous naming her my girlfriend, when in reality she is moved on with her husband expecting another baby. I briefly wonder whether the baby has been born before I shake my head and push thoughts of her out of my mind. Yet as I look up at my sister I know that Taylor is the first and only person she will ask me about, my mind tells me to be civil even though I want to admonish her for bringing up my ex when I have tried for months to stop thinking about her.
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"I have no idea how Taylor is? She's not part of my life anymore." I say bluntly as Kim frowns.
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"What you've not even messaged her ?" Kim says slowly watching my expression as I push away thoughts of sitting in the window seat in castle Combe and deliberating whether to message Taylor for hours on end. Typing and then erasing my words, breaking two iPhones in the process by hauling them against the stone walls.
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"No why would I?" I say feigning nonchalance as Kim eyes me with a smile grasping her own pristine iPhone. My eyes flick over to her manicured hands and I wonder briefly watching her swipe away at her screen as the food is set down before us. Lobster for myself and a more traditional lasagne for Kimberly.
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"Why?" I say wondering briefly, panic rising in my chest which I tell myself to push away as she eyes me before scooping up a forkful of lasagne. It's possible that anything could have happened and my mind rushes over scenarios. Because for me, I left Taylor in the airport about to board a plane with Jay to Italy and ever since that moment she has been frozen in time. Remaining pregnant, healthy and with the love of her life. I've left her untouched and unaltered in my brain but in reality could something have happened? Is she okay or has she suffered a miscarriage or worse?
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"Why she's no longer part of your life right?" Kim says simply looking down at her meal.
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"Taylor made a decision, it was time for me to leave" I tell her slowly and she nods with a small smile pulled over her lips. A smile that aggravates me.
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"What is it?" I say annoyed as she tuts placing her knife down and handing me her iPhone. The restaurant we're in on Kensington high street isn't loud, it's a high end exclusive sort of place, and as my eyes rake over the display I find I can tune into what Kimberly is showing me.
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"These date back months" I say scrolling through messages upon messages. Daily contact. For the first time in months my heart pounds in my chest and it's disconcerting at first.I tell myself not to think about it, not to get carried away by thoughts of her. Yet it's like a dam, one wall has been penetrated and all of the consuming thoughts come rushing back in. Invading my brain as I wipe my eyes, reading how the messages change in tone. How she lost hope that I would ever update her or even tell her that I was okay.
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"Read the first one, you'll have to scroll" Kimberley suggests eating her lasagne. My mind falters and I take a moment to decide whether I do actually wish to make room for her in my heart again before I scroll uncontrollably.
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Kim, I've messaged Matthew. He's in London- I hope he managed to arrive safely. I've decided that instead of badgering him and continually barraging myself into his life that I will talk to you instead. And I mean I know that is totally intrusive but if you don't wish contact then you can ignore me too. I just must know that he is okay, happy. It's not something I can pinpoint- the reason I need to know that he is but either way I miss you both. Taylor.
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"You messaged her back" I say slowly pinching my eyes shut and placing my cutlery in the centre of the plate.
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"Yes I've messaged her daily" she explains looking over at me. Ruffling my hair I sigh and look at my own phone, Charlotte is demanding answers as to where I am even though I have made her aware of my absence this evening. Em has sent me details of the wedding that I haven't agreed to be her date too. I scroll through my phone and find the last contact I had with Taylor, an invitation to Henry's birthday party and before that messages that she sent just days after I left for London.
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My phone rings and I swear openly answering the call, I had been planning on travelling to Scotland for the weekend with Paul, my manager. Thoughts of the snow and the fields fill my mind as I answer Charlotte's call. Kimberly sighs watching me clearly hearing her south London accent on the other end of the receiver.
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"Matthew literally we are out of the wine already when will you be coming back?" She blurts and whines down the phone.
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"I'm away for a little bit Char, hey I thought I told you" I say softly. Charlotte has mid brown hair, she wears a lot of makeup and tight clothes. We met on the south bank, at a bar. She asked me my star sign and when I told her that I am a Leo she said yes please and we've been around one another ever since. I tolerate her and she pleases me.
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"No way Matthew" she gasps drunkenly and I shake my head.
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"You have keys let yourself in and out and I'll see you soon" I say briskly ending the call.
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"Char?" Kimberly says laughing as I look up at her she gulps her wine down and I suggest that I pay for our meals. I'm distant from her for the entirety of the rest of our night, I pay and walk her down to her car. A small coupe type thing, she's staying in London on a fashion job and it's the first we've managed to get together. I stare down at the pavement littered with cigarette ends and fight the biting cold from freezing my bones as she lifts my face to her own.
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"'Matthew, call her or even better go and see her." She explains and before I protest she climbs into her car and revs the engine before driving away. The tears in my sister's eyes shocked me and I stand frozen on the pavement for a few seconds before I make myself fight the wind all the way back to my Land Rover. Clearly Kim and Taylor have always been close, and my sister is saddened by my lack of effort. Unlocking the car I and climbing into the warm leather seats I reflect on the whole situation for a few minutes, I had assumed Taylor had forgotten me and my continuous attempts to win her back. I had considered myself defeated.
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Eyes raking over the suitcases in the back with my clothes for Scotland inside of them, before I turn the key in the ignition and reverse the car out of the tight space. My playlist on as I drive to London Gatwick.
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