I can't believe he wants me of all people. As undesirable, miserable, as lost as I am, Maverick doesn't mind those traits about me, he shares them.
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The moment between us, so transient, keeps replaying over and over again in my head. Although it was passionate, magical in every way, I didn't expect our first kiss to happen under such an intense situation. One moment he's telling me he kills people, including our friend, and the next we're getting sweaty in the hallway. I almost thought we'd have a sentimental minute, a romantic atmosphere to make the kiss special. I've spent a long time imagining what our kiss would look like, where it would be.
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Even though the car ride to drop me back off at home was quiet, things felt right. For the first time, I'm confident in my decisions; kissing Maverick given the news was the exact path I should've took.
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With Maverick is where I'm meant to be.
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It wasn't difficult for me to accept the fact that Maverick was the cause of Kennedy's disappearance. Though it was harder than I predicted to pretend as if I know nothing in front of Bella and Quinton, my parents...everyone.
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As soon as I walked in the door to greet my parents that night, it felt like they knew. Maverick didn't come to school Monday, leaving me alone to face the world with the heaviest knowledge. Upon entering those double doors, it was like every person around was staring at me, like they know what I'm hiding.
Logically, there's no way a single soul is aware of Maverick and I's secret. So I popped a pill in the bathroom before first period, then I went the rest of my day with my head down and in the clouds, pretending I don't exist to avoid any opportunities for conversation.
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Lunch was a little tougher than any other part of the day. The more Bella and Quinton mentioned Kennedy's name, the more I was itching to blurt out the truth. I told them I had to get something from my car, not returning to the cafeteria at all.
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That isn't the only thing eating away at me.
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He had sent me a text Monday, telling me he wouldn't be at school. When I replied with an 'okay', he texted back that he'd be busy later too. But that wasn't the part that bothered me either...
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Maverick hadn't once checked in on me. He hasn't cared to ask how I'm doing after learning everything, if there's anything I want or need to talk about. It's like he's moved right on from it, acting as if he never confessed these things to me in the first place.
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It's driving me crazy that immediately after doing something to change my entire life, he's lacking the capacity to acknowledge it.
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Being apart from him, having time to think as clearly as the drugs will allow, it made me come to a terrible conclusion...
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Maverick didn't tell that secret for my benefit...he told me for his...
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Not telling me would consume him with guilt, tearing away at what he would consider his sanity. He can breathe now, which is why he's disregarded how hard it's been for me to take a single breath. It's impossible to remember how to function properly as my mind can't be torn away from keeping silent while everyone around me discusses her disappearance.
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While Maverick's weight has been lifted and his steps can be taken lighter, I'm losing my grip on myself. Not that I had much of one before but it was enough not to spiral, to not lose my fucking mind. It's reality that's slipping through my fingers...how am I to pay attention?
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"Lilliana!" Mrs. Thompson calls for me on my way towards the double doors of the school building.
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It's day three of Maverick not showing up and not giving a real reason why. Tuesday was the same as Monday; he's busy. I've given him his space without questioning but I've ran into a problem...my pouch is empty and I need a re-up. I've already texted Maverick to ask what he's doing but haven't gotten a response. The next best thing I can do is haul ass to my car and hope he's home.
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"Yeah?" I stop, turning around while trying to cover the impatience on my face and in my tone.
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"I just wanted to say I'm sorry about your friend." She says in a soft, nurturing way. "I can't imagine how hard it's been for you."
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I can hear my heartbeat and feel my palms become clammy. It's like I'm under investigation, like some huge light is beaming down on me and everyone is listening, watching. It feels as though cotton must have been stuffed in my ears, making everything muffled with a humming sound.
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Mrs. Thompson is staring at me, I'm staring at her and the longer we stand like this the more and more a worried expression grows on her face. Although I'm aware, I can't snap out of it. I'm locked in place, unable to move a muscle...as if I do, she might realize I'm hiding something.
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"Are you okay, Lilliana?" Mrs. Thompson is asking but it's still coming out faint, in slow motion.
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"Lilliana?" She repeats, stepping forward in concern.
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My lips are parted, mouth agape to say something but nothing comes out.
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Suddenly a hand is on the small of my back.
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I look to my left to see Maverick standing there with an easy stare down at me.
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"Relax." Maverick whispers to me before looking at Mrs. Thompson and flashing her that handsome smile of his. "Lilliana is going through a tough time, you'll have to excuse her."
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I fight the urge to roll my eyes. The audacity of him to be off doing whatever he's doing the past two days and then show up trying to help is ridiculous. Telling him to fuck off sounds kinda nice right now but since our teacher is right in front of us, I guess I'll just shut up.
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Mrs. Thompson's features soften but only a little. Her eyes flicker between the two of us before she addresses Maverick. "I didn't see you in class today, Maverick." She observes. "You don't appear sick."
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"I'm not." Maverick replies nonchalantly. "But I appreciate the thought, Mrs. Thompson." He then slides the hand on my back completely around my waist, turning me to leave. "Let's go, Lilliana."
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It's hard to focus on being mad at him...or anything when his arm is around me.
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"One more thing!" Mrs. Thompson says abruptly, stopping us right as Maverick begins guiding me towards the exit. Once we've turned our heads to look back at her, she adds, "I'd like to talk more about your writing...when you're ready, of course. Or if you'd like to talk about anything else, you know where I'll be."
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I give her a nod before finally making it out the doors.
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Stepping out into the fresh air gives me the ability to breathe normally again, chest rising and falling heavily.
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It only takes me a second to put a hand on Maverick's arm, shoving him off of me. He takes a step back but he grins instead of letting it annoy him.
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"What the fuck, Maverick?!"
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"What's the matter, Lilli?" He asks, amused. "I thought you'd be happier to see me."
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"Don't start." I warn, narrowing my eyes and pointing a finger towards where we came from. "Did you not see that back there?!"
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"I did." He answers. "And we will talk about that when we're not standing on the school's steps right after the final bell."
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I glance around me, now noticing everyone exiting the building and side stepping us while some shoot dirty looks and others curious ones.
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"What are you doing here?" I ask, following behind him as we descend the stairs. "And why did you come inside?"
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"You were taking too long." He answers, starting towards my car, not seeming to have much interest in conversing. "And you're out...are you not?" He glances over at me with an arched brow, not giving me time to answer before looking forward again and saying, "That's why I'm here."
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"You say that like I should've known." I press the button on my key fob, unlocking my car. "You haven't talked to me in two days."
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Maverick rests an arm overtop of the car from beside me. "I've texted you, Lilliana." I give him a dull look at his response as I open the driver's side door, throwing my bag into the passengers seat. "And I told you I would be busy. I'm not sure where the problem lies."
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I lower my voice into a harsh whisper, searching around us to make sure no one is close enough to hear. "You've told me so much shit, Maverick...and you can't tell me what you're busy with?!"
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"You aren't understanding." He observes, shaking his head. "There's a lot of in's and out's to this. I can't text you exactly what I'm doing; it's evidence. I may be crazy but I'm not stupid."
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"So leaving me for two days to fend for myself was the very best choice?!" I toss my hands in the air, letting them fall. I was just about to spring into a rant but I'm interrupted.
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"I tried to tell him, Lilli..." Malachi appears out of no where, standing next to the two of us with a lazy demeanor to match Maverick's. "I said you'd crash and burn out here on your own, that you'd never make it and buckle under pressure."
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I give Malachi a dirty look, slightly insulted.
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"Maverick insisted on taking care of some things." He explains further. "But don't worry, we knew you were okay."
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"Neither of you checked in on me." I point out.
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"I was watching you of course." Malachi responds as if it's the most natural thing to say, giving me a skeptical expression as if I mentally wondering what's wrong with me that I'd have to ask that.
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My eyes widen as they meet Maverick's who doesn't appear phased by Malachi's answer. "And you're okay with that?!"
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"It's for the best, is it not." He says in that gaslighting way he does. "Besides...you didn't mind too much when he was doing it before."
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I glance between the two of them, both seemingly amused by me being called out. "I don't know what about this is fun for you two but it's not fun for me." I narrow my eyes. "And how is this so easy for you guys? I'm not even the guilty one and I can't face the world."
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"When the consequence is a lifetime behind bars, there isn't much of an option but to maintain normalcy," Malachi states.
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"I'm reminding you both that we are still surrounded by people right now." Maverick observes. "It's best we finish this conversation another time."
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"Fuck that." I shake my head. "Let's get in the car, go to Malachi's and talk about it there." I point inside my opened door. "You guys can't just choose when to talk about this with me; it's not fair."
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Maverick and Malachi exchange glances, having a conversation with each other in their minds.
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"Very well, Lilliana." Maverick agrees, turning his attention back to me and holding my gaze. "But you won't like what I have to say."
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"Just give me something and I'm sure I'll be fine." I tell him, referring to the drugs I've been craving all day.
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Whatever Maverick has to say to me...it can't be worse than him telling me he killed our friend.
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