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~
Akatua better be ready to talk today. Otherwise, I will gladly kick her out. I get that she's protecting me, but I don't need that right now. She's staring at me from where she's seated, her wide eyes apologetic and nervous at once. She inhales deeply and then slowly blows out her breath.
"I'm sorry for the way I've acted. You aren't a child, but you're my child, and it's hard to not treat you like an infant."
"You have to try." I know that she wants the best for me, but she has to try to let go a little. Otherwise, our relationship will be strained.
"I love you, Nya. I've missed out on being there for you, and I guess I'm trying to make up for it now."
"I'm happy that you have my best interest at heart. I just want you to be more open with me."
"That's what I'm trying to do now."
We sit in silence as Kwamé and I look at Akatua, waiting for her to speak. I can't help the slight twinge of skepticism as I wait for her to say something, but finally, she opens her mouth and speaks.
"I had heard rumors that there was a water spirit similar to the African "Mami Wata" living in the Rio Cobre. I heard that there were several of them, actually, but that there was one with particular power: Lu'lu. I needed to be stronger, better, because at the time, ol' higues were taking over the island, killing men women and children on a regular basis. What's worse, the slave owners blamed the slaves, said that they were using witch craft on them. I had to do something.
"I went to Lu'lu and explained my dilemma, and she seemed more than happy to help me at the time. I could tell that there was something off about her, but I ignored my instinct and made a deal with her, anyway. As I said, I wasn't planning on having any children. She gave me strength, immortality, and the ability to take the form of a river mumma, if I ever desired. I've never done so.
"With the help of Kwamé and one of his friends, we eradicated the ol' higues.
"After that... everything was perfect. For me, at least. Not for Lu'lu. She felt cheated. She seduced a man from Bogwalk, and told him to pour the serum into my drink. Next thing I knew, I was pregnant."
There is a deep silence after that, awkward even. No one says anything, and I feel as if it's something that I should break.
" Wow," I say, more loudly than I intended, and the awkwardness skyrockets after that. Why I couldn't keep my mouth shut, I don't know. I try again.
"Thank you for... being honest to me."
"Well, my shadiness was hurting my relationship with you, and that's the last thing I want."
It's true that I was about to kick her out if she kept hiding things from me, but still, she could have done what she always does -- clam up.
"I feel as if I've heard your name before. Before I met you, I mean."
"Really?" For once she looks as if she doesn't really know what I'm talking about, not just hiding things from me.
"Yeah," I say, the distant memory hanging right there out of reach, frustrating the hell out of me. I hurry up and change the subject before this drives me mad.
"Have you ever been in love?" I ask her. The question comes out of nowhere, and I don't even know why it crossed my mind.
"No," she says to me with a sympathetic look on her face. Why she's looking at me like that, I have no clue.
"I'm tired. I'm going to bed," I tell them as the tension in the room increases. They have both centred their attention on me, watching my every move. I turn and rush to the hallway, but not before I hear their mumblings.
"Please don't hurt her, Kwamé," Akatua pleads in a concerned voice. It's more than simply worried, though. It's frightened. I've never heard her like that before.
"I'm trying, but she won't give up. She's determined."
"Then be with her. I know you like her too."
"She deserves better." He sounds heartbroken, and in that moment, it takes everything in me to not rush out there and soothe him.
"She deserves you. You're the best."
"Don't make me laugh, Akatua."
I look down at my toes, hanging my head in sorrow. I never wanted to be the cause of any trouble, yet here I am, causing issues in the relationship between Kwamé and Akatua. I feel tears well up in my eyes as I stand under the bright, fluorescent light bulb in the hallway, and try to keep them from overflowing. Of course, I fail, as one of the tears fall and hit the white tiled floor.
"I'm sorry."
I jump a bit when I hear his voice, startled by his sudden appearance.
"I didn't hear you approach," I say, a bit embarrassed that he found me crying over him.
"It's okay to feel," he tells me with a small, sad smile on his face. "It's okay to hurt. Keeping your emotions bottled up inside... that's dangerous. It's not good for you, and over time, that negativity piles up. So cry, if you need to."
"Thanks," I mutter, sniffling a bit. He engulfs me in a hug, wrapping his arms around me. I cuddle into his neck, and the scent of Irish Spring body wash clings to his skin, soothing me.
"You smell nice," I mumble, exhaustion catching up to me and causing me to have an awful case of verbal diarrhea. A part of me is warning not to speak too much, in case I end up saying something that I will regret, and I know that by tomorrow morning, I'll probably be horrified by my words.
"Thanks," he says before kissing my neck and biting it a bit. Even in my tired state, I feel my body reacting to him. "You smell nice, too."
"I love you." it comes out of nowhere, but it feels good to get the confession off of my chest. "You're amazing, and wonderful, and if I could have little rolling calves with you, I would."
"Let's get you into bed," he says, picking me up Cinderella style and taking me into my room. "I'd play with you again, but I know that you're not up to it.
I yawn in response.
"So... tired," I tell him, stretching after he puts me down on the bed. He moves me around as he pulls back the comforter before tucking me in.
"Goodnight," he says before kissing my forehead.
"Kwamé?" I start. I look around me, and the white walls look especially dark tonight, despite the moon being visible through the window from where I lie. He hesitates a bit, and for a second, I regret asking, because I'm sure he'll say no. This feeling only lasts a few seconds, though.
"Yes," he says in a strained voice, and I know that he wants to say more, to tell me more. He chooses not to.
I move over, making space for him
"Goodnight," he says on an exhale as he cuddles into my side. A few moments of silence pass, and I begin to slip into a deep sleep. That is, until I'm interrupted.
"Nya?"
"Hmm?" I ask him, unable to form words. In return I'm met with silence as he tries to decide how to word his thoughts. After a few seconds, he simply sighs, before saying:
" I love you, too. "
~
***
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Exams are a bitch.
It's been a few days since Akatua visited. I woke up this morning quite happy and mellow, until Kwamé -- who apparently snooped into my business -- pointed out that I have an exam today. That woke me up.
Here's what happened:
"You look calm."
Kwamé's husky voice floats to me from across the kitchen as I prepare to stuff my face with ice-cream from the fridge.
"Yeah, what's there not to be calm about?"
"Do you know what day it is?" Something tells me that he knows that I don't know, that it's a rhetorical question. I answer it anyway.
"No."
"It's May 16."
I wrack my brain for anything significant, any important events that should be happening, but I come up empty. There's nothing. Nothing that I remember, anyway.
Kwamé chuckles to himself, and it had me wondering just what is so funny to him.
"What are you laughing about?"
"Are you sure that there's nothing happening today between 4 to 6 pm?"
"Just tell me."
He crosses the small kitchen, his bare feet making a soft noise against the tiles, and comes to stand beside me, wrapping his arms around me.
"Did you mean what you said to me yesterday?"
"What did I say?"
"That you loved me."
I tense up at the memory of it. I feel as of talking about it opens me up for rejection? I shouldn't be nervous, because he did say he loved me, too, and I know that he didn't mean platonic love. Still, I gulp before answering.
"Yes." I don't know what to expect next, but he smiles at me. I guess it's a good sign. He looks as if he's had a change of heart about the whole us being together thing.
"I love you too." I don't have any time to respond, because he kisses me. It's a sweet kiss, and I can feel all the love and passion that is present behind it. It brings tears to my eyes. When he pulls away, he looks at me with worry and concern.
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing, I'm just getting emotional," I tell him, my cheeks heating up in embarrassment.
"You sure?"
"Yeah."
We stand there for a few moments, hugging before he clears his voice.
"You have an exam today. Organic Chemistry B. Four to six."
I freeze for a few seconds as my heart sinks to somewhere in my guts.
"How do you even know that?" I ask him. It's the first thing I can think to say, because he isn't a uwi student and there's no reason for him to know that.
"You have a book with "Organic Chem B" written on it, and you have a file with the exam timetable on your laptop. It was open when I borrowed your laptop to use your iTunes."
Now that I think back, I did see something for organic chem in mid May. I pick up my phone that's lying on the counter, and sure enough, there's a notification from my calendar that says I set an event for today: 'organic chem b'.
Shit.
"Look at it this way," he says with a grin, "you have just under seven hours before the exam. Use them wisely."
He then takes a Red Stripe, the sorrel out of the fridge and walks out, chortling under his breath.
Wow. I'm so screwed.
The issue at hand is that I haven't studied shit. Nothing. Nada. I've been so caught up in this new (to me) world of mystery and magic that I forgot that my good luck isn't 100% anymore, and I can't just show up to exams, I have to try. Even now, as I sit in an organic chemistry exam, all I can think about is Akatua. Today, I'm once again plagued with thoughts of where I first heard her name. It's a question that I didn't think about for a long, but all of a sudden, it pops up and I can't shake it, and it feels as if my life cannot continue without knowing. Yes, that awful feeling.
It feels as if it's on the tip on my tongue, and my inability to pull the memory back is maddening. It's one of those times when the answer to a question that you've been asking yourself is right there, but you can't recall it. I jab the paper with the pen, the blue ink bleeding out onto the white sheet. I'm not stupid; I already finished the exam with the word "Akatua" bouncing around my head. My first draft, anyway. However, I should be double checking my answers, because I always get at least one thing wrong on the first try. But I'm not double checking. Guess I'm not that smart, after all.
Come on, Nya. You can do this later. Focus.
I growl under my breath in frustration, because I can't.
The invigilator states that we have one hour remaining, causing the temperature to feel as if it goes up by a few degrees. Or maybe it's just me.
"F*ckin hell," I mutter as my train of thought is interrupted. I feel as if this time, I was really close to the truth.
I get back to the matter at hand, wondering to myself again.
I've been examining the years of my life, thinking about all of my experiences, which weren't many. Besides getting Silver and learning to play the violin, I don't have many. Now that I think of it, the years in which I had most of my experiences were my early years, because I was forced to interact with other human beings.
I remember learning to read and write. I was at the top of my class. I always got good grades. I always did well, naturally. I remember when I realised that my good luck is more than what can be considered normal.
"Nya?" a girl named Amanda asked me once in the bathroom at our basic school. She was a nice girl. She just grossed me out because her nose was always running, but I always tried to be nice to her. Felt kind of bad for her.
"Yeah?"
"How is it that you always get one hunjid pu-sent in your test-ses?" she asked. She was only four, so her English wasn't great. None of theirs was. Mine was excellent.
As I stood there waiting for an answer to come to me, I realised that I didn't have one for her. I never studied, I just knew.
"I... don't know," I said as the realisation hit me. It was -- is -- an important memory. Just not the one I was looking for.
Maybe... maybe it's something attached to a milestone in my life, and that's why it's bugging me now. Learning to read was a big milestone, and so was my epiphany, but maybe I need to think bigger.
Learning math?
No.
The day the children found out Santa isn't real?
No.
...the day I was adopted...
"Has she ever had visitors?" Gweneth asked one of the caretakers as I looked up at the both of them. She stops for a few seconds.
"This lady and man used to check on her when she was younger. The lady would always introduce herself as Mary, but I heard the man call her "Akatua" sometimes. It's an odd name, stuck out to me."
At the time, it cough my attention, because I never knew that anyone outside the home gave half a shit about me. Now, though... the memory makes sense.
Akatua's slave name was" Mary", and she probably had issues separating from her newborn child. As I sit there in my seat, my eyes begin to water as I realise just how much she loves me.
Someone states that we have thirty minutes left but I can only halfway care about what he's saying. The rest of me is aching, and the only coherent thought that comes to me is:
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'Shit, I forgot mother's day.'
ns216.73.216.123da2
