「這一句話,我會記上一輩子。」1493Please respect copyright.PENANAwalSFKs99k
1493Please respect copyright.PENANAcDapmV736k
二十年前,我拋下這麼一句話,頭也不回,離開那個家。
某位於港島區的咖啡店內。淺啡木紋地磚和同調木紋膠板桌椅,配襯白色牆身和米黃色燈膽,輔以多個小盆栽和青色咕𠱸作點綴,簡潔得來帶有滿滿的溫馨。完全符合阿妹理想中「家」的形象。1493Please respect copyright.PENANA0fPvg4ArJF
1493Please respect copyright.PENANALkkdwDPSKM
我們齊齊長大於日本文化盛行的年代,對日系風格情有獨鍾實屬在所難免。惟鍾愛歸鍾愛,我不禁在心裡吐糟眼前的芝士蛋糕:虛假的芝士味道和香氣,甜得發膩的化學甜,有如焦土的乾癟質地。怎麼可以如此難吃?1493Please respect copyright.PENANAqpM6l5X6CB
1493Please respect copyright.PENANAEl1XbQLMaO
「不喜歡?」阿妹冷道,沒望我一眼,逕自品嚐她的芝士蛋糕和朱古力咖啡。1493Please respect copyright.PENANA7E5TAkxmt7
1493Please respect copyright.PENANAHHHqfQTCJp
「嗯。」我放下叉子,放棄價值五十元的蛋糕,暗嘆浪費。我寧可花同樣價錢,去茶餐廳吃鹹魚雞粒炒飯。1493Please respect copyright.PENANAdeHHP4Laic
1493Please respect copyright.PENANACkk8uxh0J7
「這是區內最有名氣的芝士蛋糕。」阿妹對我的口味不以為然。1493Please respect copyright.PENANAJdRFMMEagk
1493Please respect copyright.PENANAKawQuPS4gB
「以『難吃』見稱嗎?」我冷嘲,惹得鄰桌的情侣竊笑。1493Please respect copyright.PENANAFblc8cgr9a
1493Please respect copyright.PENANAhorUfqrjGJ
阿妹面色玄青,無視我,低頭享用她的下午茶。1493Please respect copyright.PENANACcp9G2sPrG
1493Please respect copyright.PENANACMDmx9GC4w
我沒趣地拿出手提電話消磨時間,目光時而在通訊軟件上遊走,時而偷瞄對座的阿妹。1493Please respect copyright.PENANANGJtYqantB
1493Please respect copyright.PENANAu6G7jjtPJ0
我倆之間,是一張深度六百毫米的枱,也是二十年的空白。見面之前,我記憶中的阿妹是個廿三歲大學畢業生,純真無邪,略懂打扮;碰面當刻,舊印象驟然消失,獨一無二的阿妹變成充斥中環的普通辦公室女郎。微卷深啡長髮,濃妝豔抹,粉綠色及膝連身裙,純白色短袖小外套,三吋高跟鞋。1493Please respect copyright.PENANA0PJOb28wCb
1493Please respect copyright.PENANAzJVtA8lzhp
曾幾何時,我深信自己會跟阿妹一樣,成為打扮斯文的辦公室女郎。1493Please respect copyright.PENANAZOJFYSzHtw
1493Please respect copyright.PENANAPpGovYtqV8
我的思緒飄到遙遠的平行世界去,直至阿妹放下叉子:「走吧。」1493Please respect copyright.PENANAXY96xwMQzs
1493Please respect copyright.PENANAUcLJNs5vfu
截下的士,我們直驅醫院去。車廂中,又是令人窒息的沉默。我從倒後鏡瞥望阿妹。她托著下巴,似是對著窗外景物發呆,亦似是從玻璃車廂的模糊倒影觀察我。1493Please respect copyright.PENANA8qYwsE1Fvo
1493Please respect copyright.PENANAO0hqehD2ks
「待會兒,態度必須要溫和。」阿妹的口吻帶有「命令」的味道。1493Please respect copyright.PENANAv5xT2AjH37
1493Please respect copyright.PENANAFNga8JEJ6c
「盡量。」我是個直腸直肚的人。1493Please respect copyright.PENANA2QLMjmM3Vf
1493Please respect copyright.PENANAAAMDPg9yF9
「難道你沒能大發慈悲,讓媽咪『離開』得安詳?」她略略加強語氣。1493Please respect copyright.PENANARFzGclHPZq
1493Please respect copyright.PENANAzsngstpHnU
「所以我沒有拒絕,而是答『盡量』!」我強抑怒火:「你不是不知道她的嘴巴就是不饒人!難道我要盲目啞忍所有過份要求?」1493Please respect copyright.PENANA388JzBcQha
1493Please respect copyright.PENANANQXXLCLXxo
「那天以後,她性格大變,嘴巴再也硬不起來。」阿妹神色放軟。1493Please respect copyright.PENANAGmQybPbTw2
1493Please respect copyright.PENANA4I4ZjZfITs
我沒駁斥,任由沉默張牙舞爪。
進入私人病房前,阿妹從手袋拿出一個小紙袋,塞到我手裡:「給媽咪的小禮物,佯稱是你買的。」沒待我答允,她已推門內進,不讓我有拒絕的機會。1493Please respect copyright.PENANAZwWNiCMmVI
1493Please respect copyright.PENANAlFtVPGQjIs
病床上的媽咪,戴著頸箍,缺了左腿,全身插滿連接儀器的喉管。床頭櫃有熱水壼和膠杯,櫃側有一灰色的膠椅,椅上有她最鍾愛的墨綠色的毛衣。出乎意料,毛衣多年以來仍忠實地守候在她身邊,活像她幻想出來的完美女兒。1493Please respect copyright.PENANA9Cg8OOLVK9
1493Please respect copyright.PENANAIL8NWOP33f
「送你的。」根據阿妹的指示,我奉上紙袋。1493Please respect copyright.PENANAdyVfsJ85MI
1493Please respect copyright.PENANApKJEFlKsaf
媽咪的頭動不了,眼皮使力地開開合合,眼珠子艱難地轉動著,幾經辛苦才成功對焦,看見我。眼淚暴瀉,雙唇微顫,千言萬語卻離不開齒間。1493Please respect copyright.PENANAhWQc1gHuyJ
1493Please respect copyright.PENANApU2gEE7ITo
「喚媽咪吧。」阿妹怒目相向,恨我的狠。1493Please respect copyright.PENANALICe1AkeBE
1493Please respect copyright.PENANAqwnUAjoaVX
縱先前對媽咪的病情略知一二,惟在此情此境,我竟反應不來,原地愣住。喜怒憂懼愛憎欲,好比混在一起的彩砂,沒能再分開。粒粒彩砂本來顏色鮮明,在此刻偏偏成了惹人眼花撩亂的雜訊,佔據每吋視線,令我看不清楚自己的心意。1493Please respect copyright.PENANAIikoCdUmIF
1493Please respect copyright.PENANAf2IBECkmLb
「媽……咪……」我耗盡力氣,千辛萬苦才擠出兩粒字。不情不願,因為找不到自己的位置;心甘情願,因為這是最後的聚頭,該盡力讓事情有個不差勁的結局,算是清還她的養育之恩。1493Please respect copyright.PENANA7bnYk5miqZ
1493Please respect copyright.PENANA6tBAZhV8qx
阿妹招招手,要我湊近媽咪,讓她看清楚多年不見的女兒。1493Please respect copyright.PENANAfnrKldptEt
1493Please respect copyright.PENANA7MVr9otBqi
一絲抗拒掠過。我沒打算捕捉它,隨它消逝。我的手腳開始沒那麼生硬,乖乖依從阿妹的指令,走近床邊。阿妹要我給媽咪奉水,我照辦如儀。阿妹要我為媽咪披上毛衣,好,沒問題……不知底蘊的人看見「母慈女孝」的畫面,定會誤會我仨關係良好,感情深厚。1493Please respect copyright.PENANANQGrxsaJRW
1493Please respect copyright.PENANA2ZeOaqmhh7
整個探訪過程,媽咪沒能吐出片言隻字:她的喉嚨受惡菌感染,非但沒能進食固體食物,甚至失去語言能力。1493Please respect copyright.PENANAyedNnaEXId
1493Please respect copyright.PENANABPIcSHgQYy
不得不承認,我賤格。表面和藹謙恭,底裡毒如蛇蠍。我幻想,如果二十年前的媽咪已失去語言能力,我會否仍生活在這個家,是個千依百順的好女兒?1493Please respect copyright.PENANAiiUxgBv940
1493Please respect copyright.PENANAZOc50FbhKi
兩小時後,媽咪倦極入睡。阿妹要我先離開病房,在門外等候她。1493Please respect copyright.PENANAyRPlTtVa0m
1493Please respect copyright.PENANAPbg9L1pS9U
甫踏出房門,我與阿姨碰個正著。1493Please respect copyright.PENANAORP4kmdcB9
1493Please respect copyright.PENANAY2clFwtaZt
婆娘!若非她當年在旁煽風點火,我和家人的關係未必會破裂收場。1493Please respect copyright.PENANAyHUsusKH2q
1493Please respect copyright.PENANAXBJfAitFgj
「我就是知道你會來。」阿姨擺出料事如神的姿態,以冷峻目光掃視我全身:「很缺錢吧?」講完莫名其妙的一句後,她掏出一張支票予我。「你的報酬。」1493Please respect copyright.PENANABb4icC88Tv
1493Please respect copyright.PENANAN0SRBeaS7U
我沒有立即接下,思疑她在打甚麼鬼主意。1493Please respect copyright.PENANATYqqrgRrjM
1493Please respect copyright.PENANA7RTyyVC9WA
湊巧,阿妹從病房出來,看見我和阿姨在門口僵持,立即上前解釋事情因由:「我沒有告訴她關於支票的事。」1493Please respect copyright.PENANANgjkEY5dRX
1493Please respect copyright.PENANAfK61cuXWRg
「你的意思……她不是為錢而來?」阿姨拿著支票的手緩緩垂下。1493Please respect copyright.PENANAHJ4mE3MCcF
1493Please respect copyright.PENANArcIj8Rht1K
「嗯。」受壓於阿姨的強勢,適才不慍不火的阿妹怯怯點頭。1493Please respect copyright.PENANAlsgsAojNCP
1493Please respect copyright.PENANArGnBMQHFdh
「那麼……」阿姨猶豫了半晌,最終還是決定將猜忌放進問題裡。「你為何而來?」1493Please respect copyright.PENANACIXEc5slGh
1493Please respect copyright.PENANAoCQ0Y771gE
「出於對老人家的憐憫和惻隱。」我胡謅,強裝正氣凜然。其實我未曾細想自己為何而來。1493Please respect copyright.PENANAOpVXBTcpEe
1493Please respect copyright.PENANAR7vjRMvJ8L
「很好。可以省掉。」阿姨有意無意地將支票在我面前晃來晃去。逗狗似的。1493Please respect copyright.PENANA7Rhxdhg5YB
1493Please respect copyright.PENANA3IsHCCZwV2
「如果沒有別的要事,我先離開。」我選擇了忍耐。
醫院外的大路上,人不多,三三兩兩的。探病的、求醫的、久病初癒的、迴光反照的。我屬於哪種?該是「半死不活的」:情況沒有差得要死,卻怎也活得不好。1493Please respect copyright.PENANAH7LPyZ9h8D
1493Please respect copyright.PENANAZSiQiz3XeC
缺錢?工作不順利?與丈夫婚姻不和諧?與子女有代溝?統統不是。1493Please respect copyright.PENANA7GsPS4U6mh
1493Please respect copyright.PENANA5nztJUCVZd
僅是純粹的不快樂,若有所失。1493Please respect copyright.PENANAhpxUO6l7HS
1493Please respect copyright.PENANAkl0VWD9kzq
每當我感到幸福時,記憶就會成為粘粘的漿糊,將我黏在內心的缺口上。1493Please respect copyright.PENANAb7uWZCxQs6
1493Please respect copyright.PENANA43PQ23nqxw
「等……我……」阿妹的聲音從後傳來。1493Please respect copyright.PENANABA3gAjKyVk
1493Please respect copyright.PENANAmsqVs1E0au
我佯裝聽不見,加快腳步,務求撇下腳踏三吋高跟鞋的她。1493Please respect copyright.PENANAdZOyc2XiSu
1493Please respect copyright.PENANAOCXVZ31XOE
「家姐!」豈料阿妹不顧儀態,高呼大叫,吸引途人們的目光。1493Please respect copyright.PENANAPbv5IJukig
1493Please respect copyright.PENANAIWiXiNnf7f
我的雙腳不自已停下來。1493Please respect copyright.PENANAiqoOS4OlHv
1493Please respect copyright.PENANAd811LckmNU
不消十秒,氣喘如牛的阿妹跑到我身邊來:「謀……殺……嗎?」1493Please respect copyright.PENANAlGotGFhOut
1493Please respect copyright.PENANAMk2E1KZQNv
我鐵著臉,沒意欲跟她開玩笑。「那張支票,是誰的主意?」1493Please respect copyright.PENANApeHqjb0z0K
1493Please respect copyright.PENANAm8o3XFW0bX
「媽咪。」阿妹不敢正視我雙眼:「她覺得你會拒絕到來。」1493Please respect copyright.PENANAuSFOLZNXJj
1493Please respect copyright.PENANAyEjCWRg1QS
「你們仍舊認為我是嫌棄家境窮困而離開嗎?」我本不欲重提舊話,奈何我忍不住要再次辯解。1493Please respect copyright.PENANA5TiM3rpA8W
1493Please respect copyright.PENANAQhDEPdnHBJ
「我們想不到其他原因。」阿妹的答案隱含委屈。1493Please respect copyright.PENANAgPXkapVpNt
1493Please respect copyright.PENANA5soXSfqamF
「我從不認為我們家境窮困。」我氣得開步走。1493Please respect copyright.PENANAX55P4yIhlL
1493Please respect copyright.PENANAB5Vr89VpMU
阿妹連忙拉住我的衣袖,轉換話題:「有興趣跟我和阿姨吃晚餐嗎?我們會與你討論遺產事宜。」1493Please respect copyright.PENANA66klK8ouFe
1493Please respect copyright.PENANAPjSp4ZDxwR
「沒有。」我乾脆利落地拒絕。1493Please respect copyright.PENANACmIbBTkRlF
1493Please respect copyright.PENANA0o3D8FkcVe
「僅僅一頓便飯而已。」阿妹屢敗屢試。1493Please respect copyright.PENANApXAfRjg5s7
1493Please respect copyright.PENANAqaLgPquLUm
「不了。」我稍稍施力甩開她的手。「你倆把錢分掉吧。無需通知我。」1493Please respect copyright.PENANAwwj4aa552X
1493Please respect copyright.PENANA7C1ew3iZrY
「我會轉告阿姨。」世故的阿妹知道我在顧忌誰。「但你可以和我一起晚餐嗎?只是我跟你!」1493Please respect copyright.PENANAjUIy3HAWnN
1493Please respect copyright.PENANAtVPqTYudtG
我意識到這是她最後一次的邀約,再也講不出拒絕的說話,迷迷糊糊地與她並肩而行,行到醫院附近的咖啡店。她為我點了抹茶蛋糕和朱古力砂冰,聽聞是鎮店之寶。1493Please respect copyright.PENANA2UPnHb2JYr
1493Please respect copyright.PENANASfsnEfMa63
我嚐了一口。1493Please respect copyright.PENANApRfWKdjczS
1493Please respect copyright.PENANA1xUMbDoPIQ
甜得要命。1493Please respect copyright.PENANAuWLhe8S1ni
1493Please respect copyright.PENANA3rm9p3EnUP
「你是否不再喜歡吃甜品?」阿妹從我的難受表情找到端倪。1493Please respect copyright.PENANAILKtQu3rPe
1493Please respect copyright.PENANA9r1CrNe41i
我傻傻點頭,驀然記起自己曾經是個無甜不歡的傢伙,對咖啡店的精緻甜品更是愛不釋手。1493Please respect copyright.PENANAhpbAyhZ6hz
1493Please respect copyright.PENANAIQX4DFqNBE
「我對你的印象停留在二十年前。」阿妹眼裡盡是懷緬。「溫柔的、膽小的、笨笨的家姐。」1493Please respect copyright.PENANAE5t08R2SXo
1493Please respect copyright.PENANA3B21zOq77D
「我自問從不是溫柔的傢伙,純粹是害怕開罪別人而假裝溫柔;我不是膽小的,至少我比你更有離家出走的勇氣;我不是笨笨的,起碼我有能力比你更先離開。」我努力提起叉子,再嚐一口蛋糕。很難吃。1493Please respect copyright.PENANAlSrYYD4drY
1493Please respect copyright.PENANAfG4Ch1TVT1
「難怪你要走。」阿妹噗嗤假笑,表情苦澀得複雜。「我們自以為了解你、明白你,不明白何以你最後竟捨棄我們……」她那握叉的手重覆戳向蛋糕,直至它成漿成糊。1493Please respect copyright.PENANAcDEuJkpjfj
1493Please respect copyright.PENANA83nGyGLESa
「其實我也不了解你們。至少,我沒有想過你們會利誘我來探望媽咪。」我苦笑搖頭:「我理解他們何以會不明所以。」由始至終,我在意的人只有阿妹。「你呢?你比他們更了解我的處境!別以為我不知道你當時同樣想走!」1493Please respect copyright.PENANA8mIh8ojVQj
1493Please respect copyright.PENANAdQF2UM3vUJ
「你終於承認當時是知道我的想法!」被我戳到痛處,阿妹失儀地將叉子擲在碟上。金屬叉子碰瓷碟,有如我的話碰她的心,發出響亮而清脆的碰擊聲。1493Please respect copyright.PENANAaqO2JtTcNK
1493Please respect copyright.PENANATK9UrnIAV3
「為何你不帶我走?我日盼夜盼,盼望你會聯絡我,帶我走。在意識到你不會帶我走時,我又開始催眠自己,說你遇到意外,說你被壞朋友騙了,說你尚未安頓下來……我不知道該要怎麼辦!1493Please respect copyright.PENANAGwR2QH3GWM
1493Please respect copyright.PENANAMJOvLsuyYR
我有很多很多問號!1493Please respect copyright.PENANAFKA9hFGCq6
1493Please respect copyright.PENANAfCmPpOeuCX
我不明白你的想法!我不清楚自己在你心目中的位置!我不明白為何我要為你編作解釋!我不明白為何我信任的人會拋棄我!我不肯定自己能否負擔起整個家!明明是我倆的共同責任,為何我要獨自承受?」1493Please respect copyright.PENANAkDKutxQnqm
1493Please respect copyright.PENANAIchPbBzpyD
「因為你是壓垮我的最後一根稻草。」思緒千迴百轉,最終我決定長話短說,淡然將描述她揮金如土的萬字怨言吞回肚子去。1493Please respect copyright.PENANAmdHeTLcP16
1493Please respect copyright.PENANAcyaYPUxl0U
霎時間,阿妹答不上話,直視我雙眸,似是觀察我的表情,希望能夠從中找出一絲歉疚,亦似是在乞求我大開金口,施捨半句道歉話。1493Please respect copyright.PENANAbbZhuCHGyt
1493Please respect copyright.PENANAuG9Mc836ih
可惜,我沒打算繼續在她的生命裡留下甚麼。1493Please respect copyright.PENANA5j9KobKHP3
1493Please respect copyright.PENANAEXXC8MV9S5
「算了吧。」為打圓場,阿妹選擇口不對心:「反正我們以後不會見面,不需要執著彼此。」若果她真的能夠放下執著,適才就沒能細數她的痛苦點滴。1493Please respect copyright.PENANA3eGwFTTpEG
1493Please respect copyright.PENANAmlpLkxv3WY
「是的。」我釋懷一笑,放下叉,不再勉強自己清掉碟上的蛋糕。
用餐過後,我和阿妹公式化地道別,從此分道揚鑣。1493Please respect copyright.PENANAMKbWuUoWyn
1493Please respect copyright.PENANAxH6pU83dXL
我看看手錶,晚上十時許。路人不多,疏疏落落的。黃光路燈斜照著路人們,照出多個長腿叔叔。故事中的長腿叔叔是個擁有美滿人生的紳士,現實中的我們卻是破碎殘缺的獨立個體。東一塊,西一塊,難以湊成一個家。1493Please respect copyright.PENANASLyL2opv0E
1493Please respect copyright.PENANAzIqtnq57my
需要感到遺憾嗎?無需要。1493Please respect copyright.PENANA9acikADMHC
1493Please respect copyright.PENANAHbbOjCxneH
曾有感到遺憾嗎?曾有。1493Please respect copyright.PENANAQyDYaEPAaJ
1493Please respect copyright.PENANAnO9rIIwlKj
會繼續感到遺憾嗎?不會。1493Please respect copyright.PENANAVKCUikPd4r
1493Please respect copyright.PENANAMYkH0iMduv
我慢步走向鐵路站。1493Please respect copyright.PENANAuAmfgdmvJV
1493Please respect copyright.PENANA5bwGDFhfCR
慢慢的,慢慢的,有如二十年歲月一樣慢。漫長的二十年裡,我一步一步走過來,無數次踏在內心的缺口上。自以為腳掌會感受到缺口的虛空與不平,自以為低頭就會看見缺口的廣闊與無邊,自以為缺口會永遠存在。殊不知缺口已在不知不覺間被時間撫平。1493Please respect copyright.PENANAZrjQcA1nDR
1493Please respect copyright.PENANAVyrD4mHK0i
剛才我不是故意將不快記憶輕描淡寫,而是無論我怎麼努力去回想,所有細節都經已模糊不堪。最清晰的,只有我當年留下的那句話。1493Please respect copyright.PENANAPdBCCQ1Xat
1493Please respect copyright.PENANABjz7k6GOt7
「這一句話,我會記上一輩子。」1493Please respect copyright.PENANAglbhxg9u2J
1493Please respect copyright.PENANAs2UNY55DYP
簡單的十一個字,濃縮了多年的壓抑和不滿,是負面情緒的頂點。1493Please respect copyright.PENANA83AKfVlKq1
1493Please respect copyright.PENANAQvULica8ah
說話離開了唇角,繃緊的情緒失去支撐物,慢慢紓緩下來。由最無關痛癢的,至最為要緊的,一點一滴隨年月悄悄消逝。我忘記了誰講出讓我記上一輩子的說話,忘記了對話的內容,忘記了對話的前因……取而代之的,是能夠被握在手心的現在和能夠被觀望的將來。1493Please respect copyright.PENANAxsq6T61Stb
1493Please respect copyright.PENANACIu5zRxm9u
我倏忽停下腳步,換個方向,走到便利店,買了罐冰凍啤酒。1493Please respect copyright.PENANAkCyVqUXQnf
1493Please respect copyright.PENANA5K4EGQA3m3
為何仍清楚記得那份恨意?1493Please respect copyright.PENANAHu1UG9EtGQ
1493Please respect copyright.PENANAIduHNxoykJ
我知道答案。1493Please respect copyright.PENANATkQbRD26q0
1493Please respect copyright.PENANAOejSQlm5MS
答案像啤酒。1493Please respect copyright.PENANAXJPusO67hK
1493Please respect copyright.PENANA32l0QAK2xs
啤酒不是必需品,但我習慣在心情欠佳時喝啤酒。1493Please respect copyright.PENANA4HyBUNE2pu
1493Please respect copyright.PENANA8HyQKzah8A
那份恨意不是必須存在,但我習慣了它的存在,習慣用它去概括描述我離家出走前的人生。久而久之,那份恨意就成了那段日子的代名詞。那段日子只有恨意,沒有願望,沒有七情,沒有喜好,遑論快樂。1493Please respect copyright.PENANANslzNVPLku
1493Please respect copyright.PENANAnurVafojNf
我將啤酒一飲而盡。空空如也的啤酒罐精準地落入垃圾桶裡。1493Please respect copyright.PENANAVNAwJJfZva
1493Please respect copyright.PENANA5ZXxn1hrn0
若果我可以同樣將記恨習慣拋入垃圾桶,該多好!1493Please respect copyright.PENANAsMopJgqlHX
1493Please respect copyright.PENANAAJ5ewcYN50
不要緊。給我二十一天,戒掉壞習慣。1493Please respect copyright.PENANAoX0HLyUe41
1493Please respect copyright.PENANAvTYkL4zfPE
我保證,往後滴酒不沾,吋恨不記。


