I wish I could say that the next day Nate woke up, my cancer was gone and everything was fine and dandy, but I can't. It's been eight months. Eight long, hard and painful months.
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Nate hasn't woken up, the doctor says that the longer it takes the less chance he'll wake up but I try to stay strong. I visit him everyday since I now go to therapy everyday of the week, Josh had recommended that I go all week to help the constant nightmares I now get. Only these nightmares have nothing to do with the bullies, they were always about Nate.
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It's scary to think that it's been eight months, Nate wasn't awake and I wasn't getting better. My hair was all gone, my body was thinner and I couldn't even stand straight for two minutes without being tired. I felt utterly miserable, and I often wondered if maybe loosing the battle is easier than trying to win it. I had finished my chemo rounds and now had two weeks of rest.
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As I walked into the school I heard the usual wheel of rumors. "I heard that she's anorexic." One said. "I heard that she purges all the time.". "Ugh she's fat, maybe she should go throw up some more." I shut my eyes at the hateful comments because that's all they were. Comments.
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I wasn't being bullied, they just said what they thought of my rapidly shrinking form. What would they think of me without my wig? I thought to myself sarcastically. After I shaved my head, Josh bought me a new wig that looked like my natural brown hair. "Hey Ann. How are you?" Jackson asked while slinging a hand over my shoulder. "I'm fine." I said roughly while shaking his hand off. He frowned, but ignored my bitter actions.
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"Ok well, at lunch we're all sitting in the cafeteria instead of outside. "Ok." I said simply with a shrug. He clenched his jaw but walked away, without even trying. I guess I deserved that, I said to myself. I've become what people call "bitter" but can you really blame me? My boyfriend is in a coma. I have cancer, and my parents aren't even in my life.
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I walked to my first class, which I shared with Jackson and decided that I should apologize. I found an empty seat next to him, and sat down but he spared my no glance. "Jackson? I'm sorry. I'm really sorry that I've been like this...I just...I don't know how to cope with it all and I know I have you guys with me so I promise that I won't be bitter anymore." I told him softly. He looked into my eyes with a hint of sympathy in his.
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"I forgive you Ann." He said while grinning, I smiled for the first time in a while and then turned my attention towards our teacher.
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. . .
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At lunch, everyone sat at a table in the cafeteria. Even Mason, who has changed from the tough, jerk to a sweet boy. Overtime I had learned to forgive him for his actions. "Angie your birthday is coming up soon! What are you doing?" Jesse asked. "I'm having a party, Josh is planning it and I'll give you guys invitations. Your parents are required to attend so Josh can have some company." I told them with a giggle.
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They all had a look of horror on their faces at the mention of bringing their parents. "Don't worry, not to brag but my house is huge. They'll be in the
west wing and we will be in the pool house." I told them reassuringly. They all let out a sigh of relief, earning a laugh from me. "It's good to see you laughing Ann." Jackson said with a grin. "It's good to be laughing Jack." I told him truthfully.
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"Guys I'm sorry that I've been bitter. I just didn't know how to handle the pain I guess." I said with sorrow overcoming my tone. "Angie it's fine, you're going through a lot right now so whatever you have to do to deal with it is fine by us. We care about you and we want you to be happy." Oct said causing tears to spring to my eyes.
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"I'm so lucky to have you guys.". "No Angie, we're the lucky ones."
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. . .
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A couple of hours later I found myself standing outside the door of Nate's room. My eyes closed as the familiar feeling of sadness washed over me. I slowly opened the door, allowing myself time to calm down. I entered the room and gazed at Nate's sleeping figure. The scars from his surgery had mostly healed well, now all that was left for him to do is wake up.
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"Hey Nate." I said while sitting down. "I'd ask how you are but you can't exactly answer now can you?" I said with a humorless laugh. "School was the same as yesterday. I woke up, got ready, went to school and then came here. That's basically what the last eight months has been like. Yeah, you've been out for eight bloody months, can you believe it? and I really want to know why you're not awake. You promised that you'd be safe, you promised that nothing would happen so why are we here?!" I found myself saying. I started to sob, my body convulsing as I fell to the ground.
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"I- I can't. Oh dear God help me. I'm weak, my hair is gone. You're gone. The only thing that isn't gone is this stupid cancer. Please come back to me. I just got you." I said softly this time. Of course there was no response. I didn't expect one.
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"I have to go do my therapy now, but I'll be back tomorrow as usual. I miss you Nate. I love you." I said for the first time. Those words shocked me, the irony of the situation was upsetting. Here I was confessing my love to someone who wasn't even present in our relationship.
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With that said, I walked out of the door and made my way to the therapy room. With few short steps, I arrived and turned the door nob. "Angelina come in!". Maggie said when she saw me. "Hi Dr. White." I replied with a soft smile. She rolled her eyes at her formal name but motioned for me to sit down.
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"Have you had any nightmares?". "No. The pills are working now that I'm actually taking them. I feel much better, it must be the antidepressants." I said. "Well that's good to hear. How is Nate?". I sucked a deep breath in, unsure of how I felt about talking to her on the topic of him. "Uhm...well I visit him everyday as you already know. His condition hasn't changed. I know that he probably wouldn't be able to hear everything I say but I- I said that I loved him. It wasn't consciously, it just slipped out." I said with tears falling out of my eyes.
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"I know that we were only together for a couple of days but I do, love him.". "Oh Angelina, nothing is wrong with that. You're scared that he won't wake up, and that fear is because you love him. Deeply. Anyone can tell from the look in your eye when you see him."
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I looked at her with a raised eyebrow. "I know...I just hope that he'll still like me despite of the fact that I'm bald and ugly. The rumors at school have gotten worse. They all think that I'm anorexic or something.". "Maybe it's time you tell your principal about this. It's utterly pathetic that they would say that about someone." She said angrily.
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"I know Maggie, I know. By the way, my birthday is in two months, on the 24th Of December, and I'm having a party. Maybe you can come and see my brother and hang out with him." I told her with a wink. She blushed deeply, It was hard to believe that she was one year younger than my brother and such a good therapist. I knew that she had a minor crush on my brother, but what she didn't know was that Josh also likes her. So me being me, I've decided to play Cupid and set them up.
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"I'll think about it." She muttered shyly. I nodded and looked towards the clock, realizing that our time is up. "Well, looks like our time is up. I'll see you tomorrow?" I asked. She nodded and gave me a huge smile before walking me to the door.
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: : :
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"Hey how was it?" Josh asked when I sat next to him in the waiting room. "It was great, she says that's I'm making progress. I've been really bitter and obnoxious over the past couple of months and I need to change that. I'm sorry that I was rude to you when you were only trying to help." I told him with a sad grin. "Lina, you don't have to apologize. You just needed time to adjust to all these things, and I hope you know that Nate is going to wake up, he's a great person and I trust him with you."
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I smiled at his acceptance of my relationship. "You're one really overprotective brother aren't you? It took you eight months to say that." I told him with a giggle. "Yeah well, be glad I accepted sister, or if you want I can still tear you from him and lock you in your room." He said jokingly. I laughed loudly, earning happy looks from the nurses who knew me, and who knew of me. Word travels fast in a hospital.
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"Let's go to the ice cream store! I want vanilla!" I yelled before racing out of the hospital, with a laughing Josh on my tail.
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