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1950 August
Somewhere in the desert near the city of Rawal. Rajasthan.
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Everyone had gone of to sleep. I was the only one sitting near the fire. One of the guards was sitting at a distance with his back to the camp keeping vigil. This was the last night of our journey together, tomorrow, we will reach Rawal and from there turn towards Ujjangarh. Soon we shall reach home, back to my old life. Back to being a widow.
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Daimaa had come to Ujjangarh with my mother twenty-five years ago. She had served as my mothers compaion, friend, lady in waiting, mentor and guide. After my mother had passed away four years ago she had stepped in to be my mentor and guide too. She had always wanted to go on pilgrimage to Mehsana , to the temple of the Goddess Durga, deep in the desert region. It was a difficult journey one could atempt even at the best of times, with sandstorms and dacoits, no water for miles and miles around, no settlement. Just sand and sand dunes. Dry heat which could test the strongest of men. It was the Thar desert after all. But taking her there was my way of thanking her for all the years she had devoted to my mother and me.
Turning I looked at the two tents, the big one for the ladies and the small one for the Kumar........RajKumar Abhimayu Singh Rathod of Kishangarh. Abhi as I called in my mind.
When Daimaa, her son Chandan, and I had left Ujjangarh for the pilgrim, the first night shortly after we had crossed the city of Rawal, we had got caught in a sand storm. While we were waiting out the storm in an old man's hut, Abhi had arrived with his grandmother Ranisa, also known as Rajmata Durga Devi.They too were going for the same pilgrim. We had teamed up for safety sake, since the journey was extremely tough and very few people went alone, and this was definitely not a safe journey. Also Rajmata had found a companion in Daimaa, and they were really keen to travel together. Normally a holy caravan goes during the winter months, when the desert heat was more bearable.But apparently both the elderly ladies were adamant about going now and less inclined to wait for the winters to come.
Seeing him for the first time I just couldn't take my eyes off him. Tall at six feet, he had brown hair blue eyes with a sportsmans build. Initially it could have been just a physical attraction but, through the journey I had slowly gotten to know him. His strengths, his weaknesses, his likes dislikes, the more I came to know him, the more deeply I kept falling for him. By the time we reached the temple I knew I was in deep deep trouble.
I was a widow, and as a widow I knew I could never have him. Here widows were nobody, as if with the death of their husbands they too stopped existing, that was the life of a widow in this country. I knew I could never have a family or children. I was with my family but still lived away from them. With the death of my husband, a child just twelve years old, I had lost my identity. I had become a widow at the age of eleven. Before I could even understand what marriage meant. I had stopped being a person, since then. This trip had allowed me to be myself for the first time in my life. This was my last night with Abhimanyu. Tomorrow we would be parting ways. From here onwards we shall be moving towards Ujjangarh in the east, and Abhi towards the south. I didn't want to leave him. I was not ready to leave him, but reality was knocking in hard. I wanted him, but my mind kept telling me that this could never be. He was beyond my reach. Knowing what I was, a widow and he a royal Prince.we could never be together, ever. He will never marry me.
But that did not stop my heart from beating for him. Wanting him with a painful intensity. Maybe just this one night if I could be with him, make him mine. It would be enough. The memories could last me my lifetime. They would be enough. They would have to be enough. Yes this was all I could have.
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Getting up I moved quietly towards the women's tent, seeing both Ranisa and Daimaa fast asleep in their cots. I quietly picked up the two blankets lying on my cot and turned to Abhimanyu's tent. Peeking in I saw he was lying on the cot but was awake, motioning him to follow me, I waited outside till he came out too.
"Come" I whispered to him.
"Where?" He said out loud.
"Shhhhhhh.........not so loud. You will wake up everyone in the camp. Be quite and just follow me, alright" I looked questioningly into his eyes.
He nodded in reply.
We moved silently away from the the camp. Walking for a few minutes we moved away from the camp, till we were behind a sand dune. Opening the blankets I spread them on the soft sand.
"Come sit." I motioned to him. Settling on the blanket, I patted to a space next to me.
"Hmmmmm..........It is such a clear night isn't it? You can see all the stars so clearly."
We just kept sitting their looking at the stars shining bright up in the cool desert night.
After a while..............
"Adira"
"You know.......I ....I love the peace and the quite. I have been alone for so long that, I think I have started liking it. It is so quiet here. Nothing for miles and miles around."
"Adira"
"Yes Abhimanyu'.
"Look at me."
I just couldn't turn. What if he saw and guessed what I was thinking?
"Adira, look.....at.....me." Holding my chin with his fingers he tried to turn my face. Although I let him, but I just couldn't get myself to look up at him.
"Adira please look up". He was so close, I could feel his breath on my face. We had never been this close to each other. I could feel the warmth of his body this close.
"Adira"
Reluctantly this time I slowly looked up into his eyes........his eyes.......they .were so intense. There was an odd light in them, it seemed to engulf me.
"Tell me, say it. Just tell me what we both know you want to say. No more game. We are over all that."
"Abhi.............."
"Yes ?"
"Abhimanyu...Abhi ...will ...you..... will you make me yours...... " I blurted out. I looked up into his eyes, unable to hide my love for him. Tired of hiding my feelings for him. If he refuses me now, I will die. Oh!! I wanted him so badly. I love you...... I love you....my heart was crying. It was wrong .......no........no! Something so beautiful could never be wrong.
I wanted to be his in every sense possible. Even if it was for just a night. It would be enough. Yes I wanted this night all for myself. Letting no one in.......just him and me....... In a world of our own.
" Adira" he choked out before pulling me into his arm. We were so close. I wanted to be one with him, merge into him. I didn't want anything between us. I looked up into his eyes, then closing them I offered myself to him.
"Adira....." He sighed, cupping my face with his palms, he gently placed a kiss on my lips, it was instant lightening. Then kissing me again he deepened the kiss. I was in heaven., no I was on fire, an uncontrollable fire. When he took my lower lip and started sucking it,I too followed his actions. Holding my chin slowly he push open my mouth and pressed his tongue in. I was in a whirlpool, out of my depths and happily drowning.This was the most amazing feeling I had ever felt. Like my body had just started waking up. Like it was starved and this was the fuel it was craving. I was like a dry kindle thirsty for his fuel. Burning with more n more intensity as he kept pouring the fuel on to the fire. Finally we broke apart for some air. Both breathless eating each other with our eyes.
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God!! I couldn't take my eyes off her. She was mesmerising. I had never felt like this before. Just this kiss had me more alive then anything else ever before. Damn!! I wanted her so so badly. I knew I couldn't stop now.
Taking her face in my hands I once again kissed her. Her lips.... Her cheeks ..... Her eyes..... Her neck... Her her.....
"Ahhhhhhh
I pulled her closer to me. Although I knew it would kill me if she wanted to stop but still I asked her. I had to ask her. She had to be there with me all the way, every second, every moment of it.
"Adira do you....?
I just couldn't say the whole thing.
Her blank look for a minute and then a nod was good enough. Latching onto to her lips I pulled the strings at the back of her blouse. Slowly ..... so as not to scare her but I need her naked. I needed to bask in her natural beauty.
Pulling her blouse away I bent down and gently took one tight nipple into my mouth. Her sharp intake of breath was so arousing. Immediately her hands came combing into my hair, her chest pushing open, as if she was offering herself to me. Ohhhhhh!! The taste. It was heaven. The sweetness of it. Her skin felt like cream. Removing her remaining clothes, I laid her down. Then made short work of my clothes.
Finally lying down next to her, touching her everywhere, skin to skin. I kissed her again my hands moving slowly over her body, touching her so intimately.
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The brightening sky woke me from a deep slumber. I was so warm and cosy. Mmmmm....I don't want to get up. I felt so lethargic. Suddenly I realised I was naked under the blanket and I was glued to another deliciously warm but naked........ Abhi...... My God!!! The night....I...... I quickly shut my eyes and lay still. Afraid to move incase he woke up. Once I realised that Abhi was not moving, I slowly turned to check on him. He was fast asleep. Thank GodFor a while I didn't move. I wanted to relive the whole night in his arms. It had been the most mesmerising, night. My whole body was tingling from the aftermath. But the brightening morning light was adamantly asserting itself. I knew I had to leave before Abhi woke up. I didn't have the strength to face him. I was too scared. Not of him but the questions he would ask or the answers that I didn't want to give. Or that I couldn't face him after repeatedly admitting my love for him in the heat of the night.
Moving his arm which was holding me tightly to him with, I moved away from his warm comfort. Picking up my clothes which were scattered around I quickly pulled them on and covering Abhi properly with the blanket I quickly stole back into the camp. ThankGod! It had just started stirring up, so no one realised that I had not slept in my bed. Quickly rolling up my bedding I got ready.
Seeing Daimaa sitting up in her cot, I walked up to her. " Daimaa let's leave. It will still take us almost the whole day to reach Ujjangarh. I will tell Chandan to get the cart ready."
"Yes, Adira, I think we should leave as soon as possible"
Turning to Ranisa who had also woken up, I touched her feet seeking her blessing. "Ranisa, we shall be leaving earlier than we thought."
"Yes, Adira, don't worry we shall wind up the camp, and leave too."
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Nodding I took my leave. Half an hour later we were waving farewell too Ranisa. She had wanted us to wait for Abhimanyu, but it couldn't be, it was the last thing I wanted. I felt like a petty thief slinking away in the middle of the night. But we had no future together. I did love him yes, but that did not mean he did too. Anyway I have to stop thinking about all this, it is not going to amount to anything. Guiding my horse to lead the way, I turned back for the last time to see the camp receeding into the far distance.
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