My hands can
hold your wrists
your hair twined
around my fist
Your heat
against my hips
Your name
upon my lips
To feel your need
with mine
To kiss your lips
and take my time
These emotions have me
so entwined
That my heart is awaiting to say
I love you.
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Three days later
In golden pavilion
On the upper terrace of the suite.
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"Damn!!! It is as though I am looking for a ghost. I just can't seem to find her."
Kumar Abhimanyu walked in grumbling to his friend who was lounging on the terrace having his afternoon tea. Turning a chair he plonked down on it.
"Who is like a ghost" ,Bharat laughed, amused at his friends frustration with not being able to find this certain person.
"Oh!! Don't damn me, Bharat." Not liking his friend laughing at his expense. "You know very well who!! The same person I have been hunting for, for the past month. Adira!!!!! I just can't seem to find her. It is as though she doesn't want to be found." He ground out.
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"Well!! You do know that you are here to meet a certain princess whom your parents want you to marry. The Kumari KamalLata........ He is hardy going to like seeing you pursue another women instead of her."
"Yes! Yes! I can hardly forget what, with both you and Joginder my man Friday, reminding me constantly. Joginder is on a special mission it seems to get me married as soon as possible. Just the right blood line is required. My mother's put him on to it. But I need to talk to Adira..... Just once." He sounded so miserable.
Abhimanyu and Bharat were childhood friends. Meeting in School at Mayo, they had forged a strong bond. Then both had gone to college together in England. If there was someone that Abhi could talk to it was Bharat.
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Taking pity on his friends misery finally Bharat let out.
"See here, this is where it pays to not be royalty. I have found out all about the Kumari Adira."
"Kumari Adira? As in princess Adira?"
"Yes my friend, she is princess of Ujjangarh. The eldest child of the Rana. Apparently she was married off as a child bride to a sickly boy. This sort of thing still happen here in the interiors you know. Anyway this boy passed away before he could turn twelve, making the Kumari a widow before she could ever be a bride. What a waste!!! So Kumari Adira has lived all her young life as a widow. Life was perhaps easier for her when her mother was alive but after her mother passed away, the stepmother Rani Charumitra has turned Kumari Adira, into a glorified house keeper. She manages the whole palace, the whole estate everything."
"The Ranaji seems like a decent sort of guy. One would think that he would be seeing to his daughter."
"Uhuh....not really my friend!! I believe he is quite a self-centred sort of a man. Not all that interested in what is happening around him. If it were up to him the estate would run down a long time ago. But I believe the first Ranisa, Kumari Adira's mother ran the entire management and Kumari Adira does it. The Ranaji is too busy in his books and horses to come out and see what is happening to his daughter. The Rani Charumitra treats her very shabbily you know. The Kumari has it quite tough in life.She is not someone to amuse yourself with. My friend!!! " Rebuking his for his actions. Then gently suggesting "I suggest you look somewhere else for amusement. If she wants to be a ghost then let her be one" he pondered.
Stunned into silence by all the information his friend had blurted out. He didn't know how to react for a moment. But all he could think about was this amazingly mesmerising women that he was attracted to like hell. There was no way he was not going to meet her again. After a long contemplative silenc.
"How......how did you find out so much about her." Amazed at all that his friend had just revealed to him.
"My manfriday, Hari," replied smugly. "I asked him to discreetly find out all that he could. He is a hardcore gossip and knows the art of making people tell their deepest secrets. The locals were more than happy to talk about their beautiful beloved rajkumari, and how amazing she is......They love her you know.... Her mother and she are much respected by the locals. Can't say the same for Rani Charumitra though."
"Now how do I get her alone. I need to talk to her." Not liking the track the conversation was taking.
"Abhi!!!"
"Bharat ! Damn it! I am serious, I am not asking this lightly. So God dammit!! now help me, for I will meet her one way or another with or without your help"
"Ok!!ok!! Man!!" Bharat sighed. "Fine !! I'll help you. But you better not forget that this is only to be once. Your meeting the Kumari. So........ about the Kumari. What I've heard is that she stays in a small cottage with an elderly nanny. It is an old out house. Since the Kumari Adira lives there none go there out of respect. It is quite far away from the main palace building. After dinner.............
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Later the same day, late into the night. It was a full moon night and the moon was shining high up in the sky. There was a silvery shine on the trees all around. It was very late in the night. The world seem to be at peace. The crickets
were chirping loudly. Walking down a dark narrow path Adira was retiring for the night. Usually Daimaa did not wait up for her. For it was common for her to come back late from work. The estate was a demanding mistress.
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"God! it was an exhausting affair dodging Abhi. He seemed hell bent on finding her. I had to create fictional work to stay away from the palace these past few days. How long this could go on I don't know. I hope he says yes to KamalLata and goes back home."
Walking the narrow path Adira was so deep in thought that she did not even look around.
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"So you have finally decided to show up"
The familiar voice in the dark startled her for a moment.
"Ahhhhh........ Abhi!!!!!" Her hand going instinctively to her chest in fear. Then realising who it was she stood there looking all incredulous.
"So you do know who I am.?" Walking away from beneath the tree that he had been standing under he walked slowly towards her. He was clearly visible in the light of the moon now. She could clearly see his beloved face.
"I thought you had forgotten me.....our meeting." He looked at her with accusing eyes.
"No... I..."
"Hardly worth remembering.....na......"
Ashamed at the behaviour that she had shelled out to him...
"You don't understand....." She said her tone regretful.
"Then tell me...make me understand. Tell me why you left the way you did. After telling me repeatedly that you loved me. After spending the whole night in my arms. Tell me Adira don't you think I have the right to know." Coming close now he held her by her arm. His warmth where he was touching her was burning her alive. He was shaking her agitatedly.
I knew this moment was coming, he would ask for an explanation and there was no getting away from it. Maybe after this we could make peace with each other, live our lives separately. Since there could be no future for the two of us together.
So freeing my arms from his grip, I stood at a distance from him. My body was screaming for his touch, his warmth, for him but................
"I think we need to talk and this is not the place. Come. Maybe it is better to get this whole thing over with now."
So saying I lead him through narrow paths till we came to a small gate. Letting go of his hand I unlocked the gate and pushed it open. Inside was a small garden. Even in the night it was beautiful. There was a high wall on one side with a natural cliff wall to the other two side. With the fourth side having a low wall overlooking hill on which the palace was built. There was marigold growing all around the garden. In the centre of the garden were steps leading to a small natural pond. There was clear water in it. Fresh water fed the pond from one side by a duct whereas all the extra water flowed away from another. It was a quite place. Peaceful even. Sitting on the pond steps she looked up at the full moon clear up in the sky. It was a beautiful night.
"I come here for my morning ablutions." She said to fill in the sudden silence. Shy all of a sudden.
"Why here? Why not in the palace?" He asked.
"Because I am a widow and this is my place, my penance." She stated simply.
"What ..... What went wrong that night? Why did you leave without tell me. Did I do something wrong. I thought we both wanted the same thing."
"I did..... We did..... We ......I ........you don't understand " she stuttered. Unable to phrase her thoughts.
"Then tell me Adira!make me understand.....this ... Do you have any idea how I have searched for you. You did not tell where you lived and I hunted for you in all the village around Rawal. I even searched for you in Rawal. If my mother hadn't forced me to come here............After this trip I was going to go back and look again in Rawal......."
"Abhi! Shsssssss" she put a finger on his mouth to stop his baricade.
"Why didn't you tell me that you were a widow." he finally asked.
"I don't know where to start from"she asked all confused.
"Why not from the beginning," he suggested.
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"Yes!! .........Abhi I am a child widow and I have never lived any other way. I have never played with other children. Been allowed to be happy. Known the joys of having friends. My widowhood took my whole life and made it into an unending penance which I have to live with whether I like it or not. I am not complaining about my life, just ........ stating what it is.... what I am.......I have accepted the way my life. I have"
Looking up I saw his gaze on me. I looked back at him unable to meet it with confidence So I looked away again and continued.
"Daimaa, you know has always been wanting to go to Mehsana to the Goddess Durga temple. It was the only thing that's she ever wanted. Her son could not have taken here there alone nor could she afford the trip. This trip was my way of doing something for her for all the years that she has dedicated to my mother and me."
Then silent for a few moments as thought contemplating something she spoke up again.
"This trip was just not for Daimaa but for me too. This was my one and only chance of getting to be a person again, of getting to live life away from this place for a few days. So when I left Ujjangarh I also left my identity behind."
He sat quietly. Seeing me pause again he gently held on to my hand. It was so comforting his action renewed my strength.This was the first time in my life that i was opening up to someone about my emotions, talking about my inner thoughts. His quite strength is what had attracted me to him in the first place. This ability to be able to talk anything to each other, this strange connectivity that we had with each other. Continuing where I had left....
"When on the way, near Rawal ...... when we met that... night during the storm" I looked up at him.
He nodded his affirmation.
"I....I .......I....was soooo..." I stammered too shy to say out loud.
"Attracted to me?" He completed for me.
I nodded. "Yes."
"Me too. I could take my eyes off you. Go on"
Waiting for me to go on, he urged me.
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"I didn't want to tell you that I was a widow because I was afraid that your attitude would change. You wouldn't want to talk to me even."
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"Did you think so little of me.........But why not later on once you came to know me?" He was immediately defensive. Hurt that she thought so little of him.
"No!! I .... I ... Before, ... I did not know you enough but later. .......By then I had fallen in love with you. I ddddd.....didn't want to change my image. And don't say no because you know that had I admitted to being a widow, a wall would have come between us. You know it."
She looked at him then, her eyes guarded. He was gazing back at her with regret.
Her eyes softened then, giving a soft smile, she continued.......
"I know we can never have a future together, that's why I left the way I did. So there would be only cherished memories no regrets. You are to marry KamalLata. Go spend time with her be happy."
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Going with her emotions till now he was enraged when she so lightly told him to go and marry KamalLata. How could she send me to another woman.
"Did that night mean so little to you that you take it so lightly" he asked nottready to let go. "Was it just physical."
"Abhi! No.... You don't know how much you mean to me." She exclaimed in reaction.
"Then tell me" his eyes all dark from the heat and intensity he was feeling.
"I can't, Abhi. What is the point? We can never be together? " she said feeling miserable.
"Why is it that you have taken all the decisions in this relationship. What you will tell me, what you won't. What we will feel. Where this relationship will go.... What about me Adira? What about my feelings." Her sadness was killing him, but how could he let her go. He needed her. He loved her. He wanted her so much. Unable to control himself he caught her face in the palm of his hands and bringing her close he latched on to her soft lips. Something he had been wanting to do since he had seen her.
Hell!! Her mouth was so soft and sweet. He felt he could go on and on and he did till they broke apart breathless. Her deep eyes were inviting him to get lost in them and he was... Losing himself ....fast. Spiralling into their innocent dazed depths.
"Say you love me!" He forced her with his look to answer him back. "Adira!!"
"I......can't. Abhi. I don't have the right."
Pulling away from him she got up moving backward....
"I am sorry!" She said softly then turning around she ran away.
Seeing her move away he yelled.
"This is not over yet. Adira Kumari. We are not over yet. You are going to be mine."
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"Adira" he yelled. " You already are Mine."
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