惡名之下
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致不想回想起的記憶
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我不是那種「一般」的孩子405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI2aEuXxt55
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但特殊得來，又不叫人驕傲的特別405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0HfLFGmAXq
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童年、成長、至今，我深知自己和其他人的不同，正因如此，我也因為這份特殊與我該在的地方、該有的身分道出分離宣言
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不是我害怕405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpb2yrxICee
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是害怕自身
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世界很奇怪，只是不一樣的，所謂之「特別」，往往引人恐懼，危險的出現405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPwo4IcM904
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因為不同，意味改變405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhES4QvfjYH
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縱然沒人希望遇上困難，但又想克服，就只能待困難自己解決、或是自身忽然學懂如何去使吹灰之力的程度405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjeIAZNuYKs
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卻現實中，是沒有可能發生此種事，萬物不由己生，正如沒有不勞而獲，其之獲的勞，純粹不是由自己付出而已405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbzM6TDsolZ
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這道理405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR5EV2SxpMl
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我是明白的405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQzUmE3pNhU
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但又現實中，我做不了什麼，我無法展現自己在這方面的認知405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfCCWA8mG6G
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—— 啪喇 ——405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXLbyjm9B9Q
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「廢物！」405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPNYX8FcGFm
「您是吃撐沒事幹嗎？！」405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwcH9FFAwnM
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見玻璃零碎散落，深紅沾在純黑的地毯，清脆響亮的聲響堪比硫磺一發，暗中的深紅滿滲若如蚊餐一地，儘管而言並非直對此方，隱約可見利片刺中了自己405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqOlATKRXSI
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「現在有毛有翼曉升天了，作反了哦？！」405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0k6qtX3K1C
「您究竟是不是真的弱智哦？！」405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdVzNbEKAFm
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「麻煩製造者⋯您可真是⋯⋯可不可以有點自知之名？」405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzmNEG3jmux
「該死⋯」405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp0ZvF1D2nQ
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使力擦著額，短棕髮的她伸手到黑木桌子，「咻」一聲扯開櫃門，反手便伸入其中，撥開文具，翻走書本，往當中內最深處伸去405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwUBV00ZAt0
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數聲粗魯的物品碰撞，還有其後那響亮至耳窒的拍門，女性在視野外掏出一白中漂黃的東西
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象牙製煙斗
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勾在嘴裏，同時從胸前口袋中拿出小圓盒，像口紅的造型，倒是金屬製，畢竟說到底才非打份用405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp4jYPLTWu9
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熟練地扭開蓋鎖，拇指彈上開蓋，倒轉在煙斗的填裝位，一滴405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmyV4zFjIT3
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「⋯呼⋯⋯」405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQwXbntuqVf
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雜草味，燒靑草的氣味，少許攻鼻，但並不濃，再者也未到刺激的程度，單純是蠻有葉綠味而已，連漂出來的白煙也幾乎不存在，室內散佈最強烈的，唯有植物的味道
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背對自己，她抽著煙斗，看往窗外
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不是特別高樓層，當然整座大廈也是己業前提，地方必是自己選址選樓層
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若是較高的位置，是可以看到海景，朝向東邊的海藍天，以及遠方一帶沿海的密集，高樓大廈又有，不起眼的小方塊亦有，熊本縣的各沿海城市，整個一起，掃望而入眼內405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8mURA9lip2
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但她不同，她的選擇往往比任何⋯一般人，自己所想的奇怪，然而又有其論點，要說的話，就是她擁有著不同自己，過於複雜而與別不同的想法405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡicevUSrqpj
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作風不一，思考的模式不一樣
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就好比她不打算把辦公室置於上面，而是這兒，這層，剛好不高於窗戶所面向，商店街的頂蓋，的一層
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看到車站、酒吧街街頭、商場門口，各種
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因為她要真正的「全景」
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我真的搞不清楚，嘛，無法理解
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好比她究竟是怎樣看待自己一樣
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我知道，我也明白自己現在可是搞出大麻煩了，不但引起了刑警的注意，還有引致本地一眾不良、暴走族的騷動，現在回望，嘛，還真是想也想不到自己有這麼的能力405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1iaOQ4BGNa
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抑或說，是我一直以來，低估了老姐她的聲譽及影響力405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT3fkp0MRdQ
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山松組的力量405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAOoWhMAEvT
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「您到底⋯什麼時候才會學乖呀？混帳⋯」405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFklLkHBXrO
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回神過來，她已經坐了在那辦工椅上，左腳放右腳膝頭，口中濃吐淡煙，即使口氣稍安定，放大的瞳孔凶剎不爾405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1v3jErQlKv
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她是我的姐姐405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSfAp8URl6y
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山松組的老大405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡToc9lSWtil
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大和英加405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaARVbjyELa
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「說話啊」405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz73eA2ScaR
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央百花405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3LZACotEUw
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我努力地站在原處，就這樣一聲不吭，但是視線一交上，就看不了更多，看不到，尋找不到視線可聚落之處，可是呢，她可還生氣著，直對自己405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3ciLUhmFp9
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「⋯我可不會當你啞的」
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「⋯⋯你要是不說話⋯那好⋯⋯好⋯」
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「就讓我倆在這，一直⋯一直在這」
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「在這一起浪費時間，反正⋯ 我 · 很 · 閒 」405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV0JngttGhd
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「⋯⋯」405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpZenyErot5
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呼吸聲由緊縫的唇瓣洩出，曾有再多的話，希望反駁、說理，又說不出，不在她面前405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWKMqMV0i41
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我不只是害怕，畢竟目前為止，一生中最敬重，亦最不喜歡的，也是她，我的姐姐405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTjgvwa5vHM
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她為我做了很多，太多，甚至我了解，自己所認知的，只是整幅拼圖的一小塊405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6KvTJuLTxD
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理應我該做好自己就好了，對她來說是最好了405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD1l5kis9hw
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所以說，我到底做了什麼？405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD9DxwDwnnV
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我在反叛嗎？可能405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGDDpECO2O8
為了什麼？
為了什麼⋯？
成為些什麼的身分？
為了她的認同？
⋯⋯
我不知道
我自己也搞不清楚
回去一開始談到的地方
我選擇了前者
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讓困難自己解決405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0GvuNKNBMd
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但困難就是自己405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡav4I1GueWv
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所以才裝模作樣，卻又成了反效果，或是說，我從來也沒有想清楚任何事情，而衝進去做405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡddBk40jkRk
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我做事沒腦根、理性，是後來的事情，日益嚴重，動不動就動氣，感性行事，這樣子便不用想了，不用想太多了405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1XeVeFWjJb
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不用去想更多平時的負面了405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEUdcXDcSHE
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單憑感覺行事405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbRMoeB4SgH
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這樣子便不用去研究他人的目光、想法，自己的得失，將來的後果，麻煩的各種405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFvE1CFTTE3
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反正本身裏頭已經積累了太多405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRcpfqTKSHh
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確實地問我，是不是很想孤立自己？405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0mR6jbdr1M
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別開玩笑405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzuPZEuCMvy
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但我有選擇嗎？405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGHCBaBU0Vd
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注定無法「正常」地生活的我，注定混混噩噩過日子的自己，大概⋯本身已經叫姐姐她傷心了吧？405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtW07gemjq3
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不過單是自己也是405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQkjoLgVIZ7
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我不想這樣子405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZaXgLBnBDB
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我不希望這樣子的「特別」405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUS69qdqNjY
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但對自己來說，所謂的「未來」已是注定的
不能做到什麼
不能實現什麼
那怕是已經放棄得崩潰、討厭自己
也不能有什麼改變
我看不到明天，也看不到昨天
但⋯有分別嗎？
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當初的命運已經被注定，因為自己是大和氏，因為和那混帳有關係，因為⋯因為405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFoo6LB0iQ9
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我根本沒有能力去保護自己405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpeklmzIGGs
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沒有能力405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡykTneqX16A
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一直以來也是405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfPlvUmRQ9h
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我⋯⋯405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTW0knblX2D
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我405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbquQWDvfPI
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我根本沒有選擇405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLBDAl7Og0d
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現在的話，選不選擇也沒差別吧⋯405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUXAYA4vcfG
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算啦⋯405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQwVsc45pGe
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就讓我自暴自棄吧
將我棄之不理吧
但一定，一定
一定會被反對為結果吧
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「⋯」405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGX7tx9XCls
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怎也沒所謂了405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAdmnTIHliZ
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反正我就是生下來那刻開始被詛咒了405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqk8g83r3n1
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反正是我自己弄到自己得如此下場405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAOoqwSxxHM
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「笨蛋」405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡph1n3iWDRY
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