x
No Plagiarism!Zq2v9GJnJW6HXZ6Uk7Etposted on PENANA
【上集提要】8964 copyright protection449PENANAHwF8qCNVxd 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection449PENANAHw8x1oTjWE 維尼
接下來作品就會輪著上場。453Please respect copyright.PENANAIcsuVUiLUG
三位評審要說說評語453Please respect copyright.PENANAaDZGz74X18
給⭕️ 還是❌的453Please respect copyright.PENANADsfNUZTWHD
每個評審也只有七次給出⭕️的機會8964 copyright protection449PENANAX4lN3XcyhF 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection449PENANAH91URKlW3H 維尼
斜陽落月之間,和他的作品——8964 copyright protection449PENANAcyXVMzcM5f 維尼
逆時8964 copyright protection449PENANA7efoa3asQE 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection449PENANA3X3eBkcj8x 維尼
其實我覺得是相當有趣的作品,但當中砂石頗多,修改一下會更加好。8964 copyright protection449PENANAHO8zzbv88n 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection449PENANAKHO07PFkiP 維尼
作者的構思很有趣,也很成功,不過具爭議性的話題點過即止沒加深化有點可惜,這個其實是有方法解決的。8964 copyright protection449PENANAlSUDFk6uGZ 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection449PENANATNhytmGwLZ 維尼
兩❌一⭕️的結果453Please respect copyright.PENANAWZnO9seZ8J
是進不了候選區呢8964 copyright protection449PENANAyY6w0n3a0Q 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection449PENANARWUR5IrZ43 維尼
啊,等等……8964 copyright protection449PENANA63uBT6iYHD 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection449PENANAN7rQL6H1MJ 維尼
甚麼!8964 copyright protection449PENANAterLpoa16X 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection449PENANAXsqVevh6qB 維尼
QAQ8964 copyright protection449PENANAgcW3NIZOqo 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection449PENANAijsmiJpdjV 維尼
難道!8964 copyright protection449PENANAsi0mpTSEyo 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection449PENANAMqU1VehYNf 維尼
出現了!!!8964 copyright protection449PENANAcN50MPGIpt 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection449PENANABh9GwjLgAF 維尼
就是說我還可以叫他入戰隊的嗎?8964 copyright protection449PENANAL4uZhRgoXV 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection449PENANAIbhcIlKudw 維尼
真.大絕!!!8964 copyright protection449PENANALZRCGhvT4i 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection449PENANAQLhNhTX6i8 維尼
Nani8964 copyright protection449PENANAYXmlGuFLnd 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection449PENANA9kbQURt0vo 維尼
你想要使出那……8964 copyright protection449PENANAdG7uzpjkP8 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection449PENANAfLmGKrgk1R 維尼
對!8964 copyright protection449PENANAflew5BjfpD 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection449PENANAl6K53uteQ9 維尼
那傳說中的拳法……8964 copyright protection449PENANAHmGfTqJK6b 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection449PENANAdYH97gEjSv 維尼
就是傳說中的8964 copyright protection449PENANAO4alE33AvY 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection449PENANAyBbM1AVl4K 維尼
僅有一次的!8964 copyright protection449PENANADUQ6yWAi74 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection449PENANAfnvw2rbqvI 維尼
8964 copyright protection449PENANAl3DYxtrMHu 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection449PENANAzANo5DvPJz 維尼
❗️❗️453Please respect copyright.PENANAGFY2A7sxMG
你確定嗎?8964 copyright protection449PENANAUKyEYR13bO 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection449PENANAcbiFgVFBri 維尼
!!!8964 copyright protection449PENANAiE9ILcP03M 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection449PENANAAn3vieTDz0 維尼
確定8964 copyright protection449PENANA8SceJ7I240 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection449PENANAMP85Agbzcl 維尼
好的!8964 copyright protection449PENANAImrmDfMHNe 維尼
斜陽落月之間 得到了「誠意✊✊」的機會!453Please respect copyright.PENANAHtFbSm5pu8
直接進入東南戰隊的邀請列當中!8964 copyright protection449PENANA2wkcmvi7PJ 維尼
那另外兩位會有想給意見的嗎?453Please respect copyright.PENANAcFupZTjk7T
我不是說給東南本人哦453Please respect copyright.PENANAn7Z297GqMQ
是給參賽者的8964 copyright protection449PENANAyqRPaOmuAg 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection449PENANA7Am6VVaO6X 維尼
(被拳風帶到,昏迷中)8964 copyright protection449PENANAaWjpwFIybS 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection449PENANATPdnXlTvvh 維尼
哈哈,對他有多長我沒有意見453Please respect copyright.PENANATBq4lCXjPO
對於參賽者之後說的話,我有點不認同他說以「故事本來就帶乏味的方式」,因為我認為故事本身乏味與否除了故事本身,說書人也是當中的重要元素之一。453Please respect copyright.PENANABljaPtRHMY
以題材及推理凶殺方面而言,這絕對算不上是一個「乏味」的題材。453Please respect copyright.PENANAmRhLmDtBVv
獲得古拳法的幫助,我會期待他的進步及成長8964 copyright protection449PENANAc7855m58LF 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection449PENANA15eNAGHFft 維尼
明白453Please respect copyright.PENANA0ZvLzHxLEi
那紀言大大呢?有醒來了嗎?8964 copyright protection449PENANAYdF81M7OhM 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection449PENANAvkGrhpDi1a 維尼
如果他⋯⋯能改善我上面⋯⋯所說的地方,應該會⋯⋯更上一層樓的(再昏迷8964 copyright protection449PENANA3rG8JmoqIF 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection449PENANAP87w86n0Am 維尼
好的,再次恭喜!8964 copyright protection449PENANAN8zPyQCECl 維尼
那我們去看看下一位參賽者囉!453Please respect copyright.PENANAC87PioVYyQ
那是涼靜融,還有作品——8964 copyright protection449PENANAlAtSe1qttz 維尼
453Please respect copyright.PENANAbnSwBWd6Oq
8964 copyright protection449PENANAdSAHHpWF1U 維尼
天使的惡作劇8964 copyright protection449PENANAYHVcel3MD9 維尼
453Please respect copyright.PENANAQdCOXxpq7p
8964 copyright protection449PENANA8yIjcYJP6x 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection449PENANAUJ0pKQrcyO 維尼
他的回應都很短呢!感覺很有個性的!8964 copyright protection449PENANAECu1zgBcAL 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection449PENANAGpSCTHvCRT 維尼
這篇嘛⋯⋯(學楓成ing8964 copyright protection449PENANAoCMMhr3cTV 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection449PENANAFqZrEqtqdJ 維尼
又來了8964 copyright protection449PENANA3yLgwRKeQJ 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection449PENANAUq4jnNgNVZ 維尼
這篇故事十分完整,在有限的篇幅裏敍述一個完整的故事並不容易,這點作者做到了。453Please respect copyright.PENANAaMZCTFem3i
不過,稍微有點可惜的是前段的鋪排可以更改善一點,留下多一點線索,到真相揭盅時會更能顯示作者的用心。453Please respect copyright.PENANAEZPcru0FQd
文風也挺對我胃口8964 copyright protection449PENANA1ZNtihZkY7 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection449PENANAvur1WE4JSz 維尼
相對來說完整度算高的作品。453Please respect copyright.PENANAdFMs8IWYuD
對於小學生「小學雞」式的互相猜忌,其實都寫得幾真實,但同時問題都出在這裏。453Please respect copyright.PENANA0yjXwurfGj
因為幾個小主角的行為都太過兩小無猜,以至在羅生門式述說的過程中,未能把讀者誤導或者對他們任何一個生疑,以至很早很早階段我已覺得死者是真的意外死。453Please respect copyright.PENANAl7Mx5PrEze
但其實羅生門本身就是個高手向寫法,作者願意嘗試其實非常勇敢,下次嘗試同類型寫法時,嘗試把羅生門方面的設計再刁鑽少少,儘量讓所有人都會列入疑犯之中,這樣就會好很多。8964 copyright protection449PENANAPp5CF65aP6 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection449PENANAuVdosRb7Rw 維尼
我認為呢453Please respect copyright.PENANAnQQ4DrXXiC
故事的劇情佈局不錯,以一群孩子報案、並加以插敘方式洋洋灑灑寫出一部屬推理小說。453Please respect copyright.PENANA72P8mnC4to
只是正因為佈局以推理為主,如此短的篇幅在佈局、埋坑及各種描寫欠缺。8964 copyright protection449PENANAHcyb81WiuU 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection449PENANA1VbuTXaVP5 維尼
好的,事不宜遲!453Please respect copyright.PENANATWwVasm6JE
就來給個⭕️❌吧453Please respect copyright.PENANASVdTChY2qa
準備好8964 copyright protection449PENANAphJDBd9SfI 維尼
3453Please respect copyright.PENANA7cyMU9Sdzb
2453Please respect copyright.PENANANld8dZQ0TA
18964 copyright protection449PENANAraJ9OCGoJL 維尼
8964 copyright protection449PENANAwfcufCbbZf 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection449PENANAmGpHAnppDj 維尼
哦!是兩圈呢!8964 copyright protection449PENANA5B8xZwRYuP 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection449PENANASWJ5ptk4BJ 維尼
別怪我453Please respect copyright.PENANAgqW36dvDG3
節目組的錯,我本身想給圈的453Please respect copyright.PENANAx3bjak7mH9
(逃避mode8964 copyright protection449PENANATdX38AjwSg 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection449PENANAl6WzLk8PN5 維尼
……節目組表示:我不背!8964 copyright protection449PENANAsPscFJIyrQ 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection449PENANAjKGbo8az2A 維尼
恭喜恭喜8964 copyright protection449PENANAaV0bOMez3H 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection449PENANAWPkpdF9olx 維尼
(幸好進了候選....呼一口長氣8964 copyright protection449PENANADyk6IaWuN9 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection449PENANAUwOzNI9TOJ 維尼
恭喜8964 copyright protection449PENANAt2P5Hn8Aeg 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection449PENANAo3w1TsZJOS 維尼
恭喜涼靜融進候選區了!8964 copyright protection449PENANA7DPIIXcPRi 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection449PENANAYbEYxUFGUz 維尼
其實故事本身是不錯的453Please respect copyright.PENANAY2jrpRhkKy
這故事的格局至少需要再多些字數才能完整,我會期待他之後的表現8964 copyright protection449PENANAHovUCiKcW0 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection449PENANATGQvl0G6bv 維尼
明白,希望之後還能看到他的作品哦!8964 copyright protection449PENANAXk4Z5zHTar 維尼
下一位是:453Please respect copyright.PENANAeXNhK6QLi2
十分之一,和作品——8964 copyright protection449PENANAwNF1XTw9fz 維尼
453Please respect copyright.PENANA1VBrOqv3R1
8964 copyright protection449PENANAmmasB7tuzC 維尼
十年倒數8964 copyright protection449PENANACbY93cmvat 維尼
453Please respect copyright.PENANAHH4ME62Hx8
8964 copyright protection449PENANADIDUVRkv2Z 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection449PENANAjJx9SGmH3G 維尼
看來又是一個受到楓成荼毒的小朋友8964 copyright protection449PENANAGh03x7MFX5 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection449PENANANTAakCc24X 維尼
竟然453Please respect copyright.PENANAolwaNmXlEB
那我就先說吧453Please respect copyright.PENANAw942B9Tpc3
故事平鋪直敘,但在情感方面勾勒得不錯。雖犧牲了橋段及劇情,但情感處理得不錯,能令讀者心生感同身受。8964 copyright protection449PENANAWa8HArOjj6 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection449PENANAe7emV89Hap 維尼
連最愛「溫馨」作品的楓成也稱讚情感方面勾勒得不錯?453Please respect copyright.PENANA8lE1Q8P9f5
可厲害了!8964 copyright protection449PENANA7yEX9nDadv 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection449PENANADYEHD9uI3J 維尼
呃……453Please respect copyright.PENANAftkYPXvC0P
是的(尷尬笑8964 copyright protection449PENANAPr6LoXtA6u 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection449PENANAI7avIZx7oo 維尼
故事重點是患病男主最後的十年,最後也是感歎十年太短了。453Please respect copyright.PENANApkc7KezWDd
其實這個故事可以很虐,因為從一開始看到男主並不太在意自己生命的短暫,到與女主越來越近才開始感歎時間太少。453Please respect copyright.PENANAcdtrgUrNoM
但無奈女主出場真的不多,而男主心路歷程的描寫也不算多,所以就有種「不完整」的感覺。8964 copyright protection449PENANAxMDLJjCk3I 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection449PENANAN5ynhNBK2p 維尼
我認同是情感豐沛的作品,稍嫌主角心中的掙扎不夠強烈。8964 copyright protection449PENANAGreXCU7p8F 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection449PENANABAcgRJjn2o 維尼
在這種「劇情平淡」的故事裏,「情感渲染」就是最重要最重要的一環。453Please respect copyright.PENANAYjC8THeI3W
舉例鬼滅之刃其實劇情並非精彩,打鬥也非好看,但其情感渲染做到十足,讓讀者隨著角色的情感起伏,也能夠十分成功。453Please respect copyright.PENANAYs2hvHk6MX
所以,建議下次訂立大綱後,要找出自己故事想表達的重點。453Please respect copyright.PENANAAi6ISFi82T
然後故事的鋪排,角色的互動,就要圍繞重點展開哦。8964 copyright protection449PENANANJy4qRHSDo 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection449PENANAsmMfFof2pY 維尼
謝謝三位的點評!8964 copyright protection449PENANA3S2wOcUOtk 維尼
那我們一起來看看三位是給⭕️或❌!453Please respect copyright.PENANAnSj0YFVD0f
來8964 copyright protection449PENANAW3Fo00nwBc 維尼
3453Please respect copyright.PENANAcOgOTJdrCP
2453Please respect copyright.PENANA7t76jzGFjg
18964 copyright protection449PENANApahllyI0oE 維尼
8964 copyright protection449PENANAn99eWZFboP 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection449PENANAxDZ3TsaGid 維尼
……453Please respect copyright.PENANAjk42dqPL8Y
是三叉呢453Please respect copyright.PENANAqTJQsi9VGo
可惜了。453Please respect copyright.PENANAEfXsuRCiMP
希望 十分之一能從三位的意見中得到些甚麼8964 copyright protection449PENANAfcK8kQa4uc 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection449PENANAwwN0RWEbte 維尼
下一位是刹零和作品——8964 copyright protection449PENANAmmvPkGgdnc 維尼
453Please respect copyright.PENANAcU0KGYPAER
8964 copyright protection449PENANAV6ntbbpjGe 維尼
【十年】·房8964 copyright protection449PENANAPqWqPzZWAN 維尼
453Please respect copyright.PENANABITiBzc2D6
8964 copyright protection449PENANAYtWi5QIfjX 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection449PENANAUenzfwqRHv 維尼
故事整體想法構思不錯,但對於情景、角色等等描寫過多顯得冗長。另外對於故事那種悲哀、壓抑描寫尚能改善,可考慮參考類似作品【樓下的房客】。8964 copyright protection449PENANAoG8hqTgIYt 維尼
不過以這種字數而言,算是不錯。453Please respect copyright.PENANAO7paNXRM1u
另外可以注意正字及標點符號的問題,會有所改善。453Please respect copyright.PENANAImnTQzBMWj
(請看紀師父的小提示8964 copyright protection449PENANAUxz5xPbvFI 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection449PENANA6ToBOBG9Sn 維尼
我的意見跟成師父差不多453Please respect copyright.PENANACif0udTIUw
雖然被逼遷的無奈是寫到出來。但無奈情節真的太過兀長。8964 copyright protection449PENANAnZjEo8aOvK 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection449PENANANoEos4WGdz 維尼
感謝賣廣告(待會轉賬)453Please respect copyright.PENANAHZ3zZoeM2D
以初中生來說,這篇確實寫得不俗,小小年紀能對社會有一定理解也值得嘉許。453Please respect copyright.PENANAAPEqB9LlEP
不過,意象的跳躍稍嫌過快過大,使讀者的注意力容易渙散。453Please respect copyright.PENANAChZhLgh77k
如果想吸引香港讀者,文風就要作調整,繁簡體字也要多注意。8964 copyright protection449PENANAg4u3HggDTF 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection449PENANAdWLuMXMjri 維尼
來,一起來看看老黃賣瓜的三位是要給⭕️或❌囉!8964 copyright protection449PENANAi4L52nvSmQ 維尼
3453Please respect copyright.PENANAuaUGIAATWZ
2453Please respect copyright.PENANANZxC2LvbY2
18964 copyright protection449PENANA77N1UNLBgX 維尼
8964 copyright protection449PENANA5eZZHwLtBJ 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection449PENANAhWq4I16osm 維尼
三叉魔咒又回來了!8964 copyright protection449PENANAsEfB5g8nO0 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection449PENANAQmwkGRnxKY 維尼
可惜了453Please respect copyright.PENANAbNvbYEmNhG
初中生來說真的很不錯8964 copyright protection449PENANAeG7Vuw53cQ 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection449PENANAj0xntBfLlG 維尼
對,而且很年輕453Please respect copyright.PENANAFjKdD0FAsi
不要灰心!加油!8964 copyright protection449PENANAREzInprO2c 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection449PENANAMdensgTz3A 維尼
加油加油8964 copyright protection449PENANAJw54UMgr6s 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection449PENANAVoQZVShcr1 維尼
不好意思了,剎零要先到復活賽那邊休息一下了8964 copyright protection449PENANAnz3BBIStYY 維尼
下一位是泱和作品——8964 copyright protection449PENANAwKMFgXNolp 維尼
453Please respect copyright.PENANA8eOVbWfIy1
8964 copyright protection449PENANAF7jEXY66n4 維尼
十年之情8964 copyright protection449PENANAoEzT91NX9Y 維尼
453Please respect copyright.PENANAjdMz2hDXL3
8964 copyright protection449PENANAoIaSvTrtu5 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection449PENANA8ymUDL86e3 維尼
又是一份字數比較少的作品呢~8964 copyright protection449PENANAGUYEG0jqja 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection449PENANA6F2A1yc55K 維尼
這個是不錯的校園作品呢,不論是情感描寫、感情培養情節等等都是相對到位。8964 copyright protection449PENANAaubTaGOCfp 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection449PENANAIuLFRKziSe 維尼
我覺得文筆算是通暢,不差的。453Please respect copyright.PENANAnKxGdEqbed
可劇情構思上面需要多一點。453Please respect copyright.PENANAVnTN5CTJ2B
要突顯紫薇最後自殺的衝擊與哀傷,以下的鋪墊必不可少,還請留意。453Please respect copyright.PENANATkYV3YknVe
一,是鋪紫薇的壓力與自殺的先兆(先兆是有但已經太晚了)453Please respect copyright.PENANAZj7O9zhVzd
二,是鋪主角與紫薇的特殊羈絆453Please respect copyright.PENANAWOSQJ7AZBo
三,就是主角知道紫薇後反應的描繪8964 copyright protection449PENANAOtX8SyjPGx 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection449PENANAD499l877fB 維尼
自殺的話題本就沉重,作者的處理頗能讓人釋懷。453Please respect copyright.PENANAU0bvB05AxB
可惜兩個主角的性格都刻畫得不夠深入,行文也略見沙石。8964 copyright protection449PENANAprKaqaZxPI 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection449PENANAHfTXbkEmGf 維尼
看來,情況不太樂觀哦……453Please respect copyright.PENANAFNeMpNPqM4
三位準備好了嗎?一起來給泱 給⭕️❌哦!8964 copyright protection449PENANAJdP11X7USu 維尼
3453Please respect copyright.PENANA7yhB4pnPVO
2453Please respect copyright.PENANAmtUr4caOum
18964 copyright protection449PENANAcTJRuxPQgN 維尼
8964 copyright protection449PENANAGYAsqYBFTm 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection449PENANAqLcMZMFNWl 維尼
嗯……又是三叉呢453Please respect copyright.PENANAAkqqy0373l
泱,不好意思呢,看來未能進入候選區8964 copyright protection449PENANAwDlfi23K8I 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection449PENANALcq1mElHF8 維尼
比較可惜453Please respect copyright.PENANAMLR0dBV2XB
沉重的作品對於角色刻畫的要求也要相對提高,希望作者下次注意一點了。8964 copyright protection449PENANAj8LjwVrDuf 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection449PENANAQ4v2ZoVDlg 維尼
謝謝東南大大的建議8964 copyright protection449PENANAt1G5sis2Xe 維尼
接下的作品是8964 copyright protection449PENANAkYiIhzzRTc 維尼
453Please respect copyright.PENANAZEFhKB0E9P
8964 copyright protection449PENANAfCS0y9HJ4q 維尼
輪候者8964 copyright protection449PENANA4KCXAkT0FV 維尼
453Please respect copyright.PENANA5jmAcMBmRo
8964 copyright protection449PENANAsEOsoaZf7B 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection449PENANA62US2B9tCC 維尼
嗯...453Please respect copyright.PENANA5uREbIYfhZ
我記得這位作者是有兩篇作品的?453Please respect copyright.PENANAVeAChzfabu
要不要一次過說?8964 copyright protection449PENANAeed0bBJPpd 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection449PENANAfe7VSH2Jt4 維尼
被破梗了……453Please respect copyright.PENANAEPD3KWINGn
對453Please respect copyright.PENANAyFDS5GHZPi
另一篇作品是8964 copyright protection449PENANAo9Ltwjt13j 維尼
453Please respect copyright.PENANALqAlfBpGGh
8964 copyright protection449PENANAAYxk4CKhnM 維尼
時間小偷8964 copyright protection449PENANAQrzWUoonXd 維尼
453Please respect copyright.PENANALi9SQ1HrPG
8964 copyright protection449PENANAmzy4jLHnJP 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection449PENANAWklYTyOi6m 維尼
完全沒留意到的meeeee8964 copyright protection449PENANA7uyql4aEyN 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection449PENANAWF8jVs4iEV 維尼
心水清的me453Please respect copyright.PENANAPDrf1O99tW
但我還是先說吧453Please respect copyright.PENANAtFIxtEdLGd
這位作者我覺得實力算是本次比賽裏排得上中上的。453Please respect copyright.PENANAJvgPSwSIjw
兩部都是比較成熟的作品,以這篇輪候者而言,利用一隻天才豬的十年寫出某些人的黑暗,寫出動物的天真和不可改變的命運,其實都值得一讚。8964 copyright protection449PENANAM9hulLG5a3 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection449PENANA2hf0fgdIOh 維尼
同意,將豬擬人化的想法挺有趣,也能與作者想表達的道理相合,故事亦很完整。如果糧食短缺問題能再作鋪墊和深化,相信效果會更好。8964 copyright protection449PENANArpgW4MgTYA 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection449PENANA2ytliAh5dl 維尼
以豬為第一身的視角,相當有趣的故事。453Please respect copyright.PENANAM7BTjJaYGN
不論是人性的勾勒到後來追求自由的反抗,哪怕失敗也是笑著死去。453Please respect copyright.PENANARL1CTD7V50
整體實屬成熟作品,很是不錯。8964 copyright protection449PENANAUpsHYpbgMm 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection449PENANAJdo7mHNXFO 維尼
那時間小偷呢?8964 copyright protection449PENANADT8jRad43s 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection449PENANA6BA5rEuDnI 維尼
還是我先說吧453Please respect copyright.PENANAU7weoGkhPb
其實我頗欣賞男女主角用不同的方式描述這個方法(男主角用第一身,女主角用日記)453Please respect copyright.PENANA1yGlnyZ8pT
只是用日記寫其實頗高手向,而事實上女主角日記的部分未做到非常引人入勝,叫有點小缺陷。453Please respect copyright.PENANAPgK5uoJLIx
但都欣賞作者願意這樣嘗試。8964 copyright protection449PENANApNyA9itjyu 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection449PENANA90Q7XWXpQh 維尼
還是我第二個說吧XP453Please respect copyright.PENANA1lav7hOWXs
時間小偷的設定開首是讓人有點期待的,不過並沒善加利用,有點可惜。453Please respect copyright.PENANAkQg7XZSwqG
整篇小說圍繞鬱鬱不得志的小説家,內容有點過於灰暗,希望作者能找到寫作真正的樂趣,其實不過是寫作本身罷了,不需要靠外在的東西去支撐。8964 copyright protection449PENANAwWuDZJFJrW 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection449PENANAskIiygchxv 維尼
故事設定有趣。453Please respect copyright.PENANAuI7kyYnqEs
但比起這設定,表達出來的故事相對有待改善。以日記方式有優點有缺點,優點為時間性清晰並能夠交代大量事情,但同時因為比賽篇幅所限衍生的問題──反而陷入一個半湯不水的情況。453Please respect copyright.PENANAKJtAuDpHvo
若是用一個設定、同一個故事,採取另一種視角來看,或許會更加有趣呢。8964 copyright protection449PENANA54FYnUW1z9 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection449PENANAdIAaj392Uz 維尼
明白,謝謝三位!8964 copyright protection449PENANA0m8ZZApAfW 維尼
因為比賽是以參賽者為評比單位,不是作品。453Please respect copyright.PENANAr8lUTXMBph
所以請三位綜合兩篇的表現,給Blackative給出⭕️或❌!8964 copyright protection449PENANADGd01pXEJp 維尼
大家需要點時間想想嗎?8964 copyright protection449PENANAXYorN2gabR 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection449PENANAfYZfP0khQh 維尼
我好了8964 copyright protection449PENANAdmVDkyEhsf 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection449PENANAq2nvYoAujy 維尼
不必了8964 copyright protection449PENANANfqR5hylle 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection449PENANAJrUg9pd2RG 維尼
那8964 copyright protection449PENANAuThOrM4JPH 維尼
3453Please respect copyright.PENANAEnn7YB0BHu
2453Please respect copyright.PENANAVM77RcN0ee
18964 copyright protection449PENANAWDAaUiZBEa 維尼
8964 copyright protection449PENANAUaYL66KyZM 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection449PENANAM7oCuMJ3dS 維尼
抱歉我只剩下四個。8964 copyright protection449PENANASzYJYVDECG 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection449PENANAbHMoFmcjNZ 維尼
兩圈的成績!453Please respect copyright.PENANA2qoJtsxW9i
恭喜Blackative8964 copyright protection449PENANAs3PSGMnzgx 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection449PENANAxPi9kAWsfg 維尼
Yeah453Please respect copyright.PENANANxZP3D4Zof
呼一口氣8964 copyright protection449PENANAJOl3I6U23O 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection449PENANAm9Ig82duiQ 維尼
接來下的,是廣告前的倒數第二位!453Please respect copyright.PENANAJ8psq8sM36
旧落后和作品——8964 copyright protection449PENANAhM1bNoek13 維尼
453Please respect copyright.PENANAp1FFLHt3qZ
8964 copyright protection449PENANAae2eeaFw4r 維尼
平行8964 copyright protection449PENANANbICKxQza6 維尼
453Please respect copyright.PENANAY2NryxqBIo
8964 copyright protection449PENANAFZZPFCraId 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection449PENANAJxZNehunZg 維尼
Hmmm453Please respect copyright.PENANAC2aCv2HdOq
我建議角色如果只有兩個的話就盡可能突出唯二角色的性格。比如一些小動作,比如一些小心思。453Please respect copyright.PENANAqidc7YSRAJ
因為整個故事都是男主一個惡夢,但就以目前的篇幅兩個角色性格並不突出。8964 copyright protection449PENANAngJlz9doCc 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection449PENANA9DwGosTGJW 維尼
感情動人,但是以夢來反映要珍惜現在的套路確實有點舊了,另外簡體字方面也要多多注意。8964 copyright protection449PENANAbYpBTTwKLc 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection449PENANAGS1pmcXOoD 維尼
嗯……我認為該篇參賽作品於劇情、鋪墊有待改善。453Please respect copyright.PENANAvQHFy3h2cn
作者欠缺一般說故事的技巧,建議先寫出大綱整理好故事,然後再行嘗試把故事用一個讀者更能夠理解的方式說出來。453Please respect copyright.PENANAPIMLvhkleb
加油加油。8964 copyright protection449PENANAcAl43Acr54 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection449PENANAleCUfB2iVE 維尼
大綱、簡體字都是出現了好幾次的字眼呢。8964 copyright protection449PENANAco0Hbi8Wz3 維尼
好了,三位準備好給⭕️❌了吧?8964 copyright protection449PENANApgJQPgPq1l 維尼
3453Please respect copyright.PENANAn6rILnO5hN
2453Please respect copyright.PENANAs9osDRNj6F
18964 copyright protection449PENANABovah3P7Km 維尼
8964 copyright protection449PENANAInOZdQipnK 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection449PENANAF9Gl5ouySC 維尼
三叉呢453Please respect copyright.PENANA1U0Un1AgXW
可惜了453Please respect copyright.PENANA1tvB1dv7Om
希望下次看見旧落后更優秀的作品8964 copyright protection449PENANA9Kron5yLso 維尼
來到廣告休息前的最後一個喇!453Please respect copyright.PENANAsPco4suh7j
那是矇豬眼和作品——8964 copyright protection449PENANAiHFZJTOdaC 維尼
453Please respect copyright.PENANAXEosmivgtc
8964 copyright protection449PENANAg6qYB5x8Rm 維尼
此去拾年8964 copyright protection449PENANAP5mh2zYS0Z 維尼
453Please respect copyright.PENANAieQmrnZ16y
8964 copyright protection449PENANAlKAc5Bwsoe 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection449PENANAvoTtCTGHpQ 維尼
這篇的文字優美,到最後揭盅主角非主角也甚有驚喜,以拍攝主題去回應大會主題也蠻聰明的,是這次比賽中屬中上的作品。8964 copyright protection449PENANASIpqhh6GRI 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection449PENANABrPVZbbJV9 維尼
文筆秀麗,文中動靜切換場景做得不錯,但說故事能力相對進步空間。453Please respect copyright.PENANA0wdI6ll8wr
到底文中宇羲與司憶的互動是真是假,到好宇羲與司憶昏迷有無關係,到底宇羲為何如文中般頹廢。建議應該解釋一下。453Please respect copyright.PENANA7Vsji7R8DD
又或者如果想更意識流的話,就可能要寫得更「迷幻」一些。8964 copyright protection449PENANAiqdCbrubyd 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection449PENANA1gxsxKdLdR 維尼
個人認為作品不錯,但在後半段略有劇情不足。453Please respect copyright.PENANAeKDdM6beyB
在排序那邊數字更是直接欠缺,為此我有在網站PM該位參賽者想問他是否貼漏掉章節,但未能獲得回復,只好作罷。8964 copyright protection449PENANAN2OI7hyHjN 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection449PENANALckpEyf0SA 維尼
聽起來有點可惜呢453Please respect copyright.PENANAltjSu2zWyp
來!三位!453Please respect copyright.PENANAqFCuAvcOMZ
準備好了吧!8964 copyright protection449PENANASLggPm5rFT 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection449PENANABVQL58P6DR 維尼
來吧8964 copyright protection449PENANA4U2Ufpy3C9 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection449PENANA0WxN5ED8x8 維尼
come8964 copyright protection449PENANAxdJFBNRaHF 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection449PENANACx5eKTfD7P 維尼
一起來8964 copyright protection449PENANApiURAhg7Za 維尼
3453Please respect copyright.PENANAZnsZ1ngtD0
2453Please respect copyright.PENANAc8KQnCisqF
18964 copyright protection449PENANAl0RlWENYb8 維尼
8964 copyright protection449PENANA8K6XREvsAZ 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection449PENANAYqMMm7PxqZ 維尼
雖然得到紀言的大圈……453Please respect copyright.PENANANQP0xYhtY8
可是,看來是逃不過進復活賽的命呢8964 copyright protection449PENANAqURup6XezK 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection449PENANAnO0dpwnRoU 維尼
會有古拳法嗎?453Please respect copyright.PENANAMOsguB9eH4
會有嗎?453Please respect copyright.PENANA9zr3IHkdTP
@_@8964 copyright protection449PENANAdE0reDUjTL 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection449PENANA9bkPwtjhtI 維尼
會有嗎?8964 copyright protection449PENANAV624kCIzrz 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection449PENANA2eCzQhfkxl 維尼
看來沒有呢8964 copyright protection449PENANArS7sYAT2XB 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection449PENANA0iy3CGyeMv 維尼
嗯⋯⋯雖然有點可惜453Please respect copyright.PENANAalkTmq8AQt
但還是先不用吧><8964 copyright protection449PENANAdLtiK1NiXD 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection449PENANANNyOzJfjO5 維尼
噢!453Please respect copyright.PENANAvDnotf0GGS
是真的逃不過進復活賽的命呢453Please respect copyright.PENANAVKYIgQ2Deq
可惜了。8964 copyright protection449PENANAmDYtpAvkL0 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection449PENANAw6cjQKsMVL 維尼
加油453Please respect copyright.PENANAOIhDZsC2PH
文筆是很對我胃口的453Please respect copyright.PENANAdnzHKsrp0e
繼續努力8964 copyright protection449PENANAXxpk00Xwom 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection449PENANALmu2QsXFvg 維尼
矇豬眼 看見了嗎?要加油哦453Please respect copyright.PENANAi9h9oOgpQ3
那接下來先進一則廣告!453Please respect copyright.PENANA7UiAweqops
廣告回來再看看其他作品哦。8964 copyright protection449PENANApwjqbWc2UV 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection449PENANAqOH8vSdJO0 維尼
位元堂!453Please respect copyright.PENANAHdrDDcVYmL
養陰丸!453Please respect copyright.PENANAFh20wkvQG3
好似太陽咁溫暖!453Please respect copyright.PENANAm0eF6KF5AQ
【聲音被節目組淡出中……】8964 copyright protection449PENANA8C2wyHdFTY 維尼
【下集預告】8964 copyright protection449PENANAVYgxCSCf44 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection449PENANAXEQBeg7rct 維尼
我一直幫本篇作品改了個花名做下一站天后8964 copyright protection449PENANAyK0aAPlk7X 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection449PENANASIgQEk2eNV 維尼
可怕的三叉已經出現了三次8964 copyright protection449PENANAAYSDrlfxI9 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection449PENANAPEB3fZhHul 維尼
再恐怖一點,恐怕東南就不敢看了嘿嘿。8964 copyright protection449PENANAqJtbptHBrr 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection449PENANAEiy1LVI3GW 維尼
先別到下一篇!8964 copyright protection449PENANAdOFR330mL2 維尼
8月27日晚上6點,繼續準時觀看8964 copyright protection449PENANAhiRKNBX3gc 維尼
【第二階段:戰隊/復活賽】「太歲兵團 X 萌動學生小說集2021」寫作營8964 copyright protection449PENANArYq7MfzA4b 維尼
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